Maddy

Instead of actually going out out, we decided to skip the bar and just come to dinner. We're currently sitting in a bigger than a normal-sized booth at a Mexican restaurant. It's only six of us tonight. Cgc, Valdez, Rhys, Nova, Max, and I. We invited Max after Xander made plans not to come tonight. I figured he wouldn't. Not after what happened between us three days ago. I hope that the guys just believe that he didn't feel like coming out tonight. I have no idea what excuse he made this time since we haven't spoken.

Three days ago, Xander told me he loved me. Two day ago, I realized that I regret my decision. As much as it kills me to say, I regret letting him walk out that door. Not because someone saw us, I couldn't care less honestly, but because he left. For two nights straight I've been replaying that horrible fight between us. I don't know what little thing clicked in my brain that told me, Maddy, you need this guy. This guy has made you feel things you haven't felt in forever and you know it. I just pushed those feelings down because getting disappointed is my worse fear.

I've been hurt by a guy before, but that isn't why I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been disappointed by so many people in my life that I don't think I have the capacity to get hurt again. I act like the toughest person in the world, but deep down, I hurt like everyone else. I might now show it all the time, but I do. I've gotten better at not getting hurt so easily which is why it happens less, but this? It hurts. But Xander didn't hurt me. I hurt him. I messed things up, not him.

He loves me.

I only hear those words from a select few people so when someone new expresses them to me, I appreciate them so much. But this time, I pushed him out of my life. I think Xander Williamson has the capability to break my heart and that is the last thing I want. I don't think I can afford to go through something like that. Not right now at least.

Still, I'm secretly hurting. I miss him even now. There are times when I've gone three days without seeing him, but these past days have hurt worse. It's because I know that I lost him. He's not going to come back because I told him not to. There is not going to be a second chance for me and I have to accept the decision I made.

I can't believe I actually fell for him. I didn't realize my feelings immediately, not until he actually left. Not until it actually hit me that this was happening. And it's not just sex. It was at first, but during the time we spent together, something shifted. We got closer, and I started giving him more of my time than I gave anyone else. What is wrong with me? No matter how much I care about him, I cannot be doing that. There are other people who I should pay attention to more than him. Myself included. I'm not about to go all fucked in the head over some guy.

This guy may be utterly different and possibly made for me, but I need to look at other people too. Important people like the ones sitting in front of me. My whole life, I experienced nothing that felt like love or family. When I moved to Oak Hill, I gained all of that in a couple of years. Love, family — even though it's not blood. These people mean more to me than they will ever know and while I care about Xander, I need to care about them just as much.

I needed to come out with them tonight. They're possibly the only people who can take my mind off of things.

Our waitress comes back with our drinks and appetizers after a couple of minutes. We all got here not long ago. I take a long sip from the margarita I ordered. It's the only alcoholic drink I got but it won't even give me a slight buzz. I also ordered a backup glass of water. "Is it good?" Nova asks, sitting next to me. I nod at her and smile. We carpooled here together and the car ride was a little quieter than usual. She's typically not much of a talker unless she's with me and people she's comfortable with, but today was different. I figured she'd fill in the empty space since I didn't talk much but she didn't.

We both only exchanged a couple of short sentences. I haven't been in the mood lately. I would've been better off staying in tonight, but I promised Rhys I'd hang out tonight. So here I am.

"Alright. I'm just gonna say it," Cgc starts. We all look towards him and I furrow my brows. His gaze sits on me. "We know about you and Xander," he says, easily. Just like the past couple of days, my face remains expressionless. I really hoped that just because Sara and Julianna saw Xander walk out of my dorm, no one would find out about it. Of course with my luck and the shittiest floor mates. It happened. Everyone knows and there's nothing I can do. No more hiding, Maddy.

"Oh. Well, we're not anymore. Doing anything I mean,"
I tell them honestly. I'm scared to turn to Novalee and her boyfriend who sit beside me. They were the two people that I didn't want to find out the most since they're best friends with both Xander and me. "Who told you?" I add before they can say anything else. "Xander," Cgc says. Of course. Max chuckles, "Wait? I'm sorry did I fucking hear that right? You're with Xander?" he says too loudly. What a late fucking reaction. I glare at him.

" I am not with him. I was with him. I mean we were just having casual sex that's it." I explain to Max, my voice firm. He continues to gawk at me, his mouth open a bit. Cgc pats his back twice. "Don't act so surprised, it was bound to happen," Cgc says to Max. I glare at him next, but he doesn't react, like always. He's immune to it, always has been.

"I don't want to talk about it, seriously. Can we move on?" I say. I turn to Nova by accident and she smiles small at me. I don't think she's mad at me for hiding it from her. Valdez remains expressionless, I can never read him, so I have no idea how he feels about this. No one has really said anything else about it. I thought they'd react worse for some reason, but I guess they don't have the big of an opinion on it.

"Yeah, let's talk about something else," Valdez says. I don't thank him out loud, but in my head.

We don't revert back to the subject for the rest of the dinner, but the energy is definitely off. I didn't want to come out tonight and not give off my usual energy but that's exactly what happened. I just can't think straight right now. I keep dozing off into my own thoughts and barely join in on any of the conversations being made. I just hope they're all having a better time than me. My phone buzzes in my purse and I pull it out.

Nat: Hey, do you want to come to a party with Peyt and me tonight? Invite Nova if you want.

I think about it for only a couple of seconds. I have work tomorrow in the morning.

Me: sure, i'll be home in a bit.

Fuck it, why not, right? I thought this one margarita would make me feel a little more loose going into this dinner but it didn't. And now all my friends know about my secret hookup with Xander, so I think this will help me somewhat forget about the past couple of days.

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After dinner, Nova drives us back home. I completely forgot to invite her out tonight, but she was going back to Valdez's place anyway. The car ride was the same as before, quiet only a couple of short sentences shared better us. It has nothing to do with her. It's just me being a miserable human being at the moment. Nat has noticed I've been moodier than lately which is why I think she invited me out tonight. She doesn't know about the whole Xander situation yet.

It's over and done, so I don't think I'll bother to share the details with her unless she finds out on her own.

She suggested we come back to the bar my father's friend owns and Peyt and I agreed to the idea. The place serves good drinks after all.

We've been here for a good hour but I've only consumed two shots. Peyt and Nat dance on the dance floor near the table we're sitting at. I sit miserably at the table and watch my two friends have fun. I occasionally smile at them but they know I'm 100% off my rocker. They've asked me what's going on about a million times already. I made up an excuse about being tired from both work and school. I know they know I'm lying, but they haven't pushed me for more information.

I love that they're patient with me.

"Hey." A deep voice beside me gets me out of my thoughts. I shoot my head to the voice. A guy dressed in jeans, a white long-sleeve button-up, and dress shoes, sit next to me. What is he wearing? "I'm Alex," he adds when I don't say anything. "Cassie," I return my name. Or fake name. His lips lift into an ugly grin. Ugh. He's not even that ugly, but I'm not at all interested. Also his fashion sense? Yeah no.

"Can I buy you a drink?" he tries to say smoothly. I look at my two friends who still dance and then back at him. "Sorry, I can't leave my girls here alone and then return with a drink. They'll get mad I didn't get them one," I lie. His eyes flit to where I once gave my attention to. His eyes linger on them a little too long as they dance against one another. I roll my eyes. He looks back at me shortly after. "Come with me and I'll make sure they get drinks too," he smirks again.

I think about it for a second. "Sure," I say.

Fifteen minutes later, I return back to our table. A waitress walks closely behind me with the drinks the guy bought me. She places it down on the table and Nat and Peyton rush to the table. "It worked?" Natasha says. They both saw me leave with the guy. I told them I'd be back in a little. I'm surprised how many drinks 15 minutes of mediocre flirting can get you. He got me a round of shots — 12 shots— and three drinks.

"Of course, it worked." I pick up a shot and they follow shortly behind me. We all clink our glasses against each other before taking the shot. I grab a lime from the table for a chaser. "I haven't had straight liquor in a couple of weeks," I make a disgusted face at the taste. My throat burns, but I decide to take another one. We take the next ones straight after. I feel a little bit better now, my body beginning to feel a bit looser from the shots.

"Okay, I want to dance now," I say and pick up my daiquiri. The girls leave theirs behind and we all go to the spot on the dance floor they were at previously. We spend the rest of the night dancing, drinking, and forgetting. At least that's what I do.