L E O N I E

London in November was a terrible fucking idea. Terrible. My tits were so frozen that they could knock someone the fuck out right now. I would never complain about the Florida heat, ever again.

We'd arrived this morning and so far, I'd spent about six hundred dollars on winter wear. Cute coats and beanies. It was shameless. But hoodies weren't going to cut it and I was sorely mistaken when I thought mom was exaggerating the temperatures. So back in the apartment suite that Heath and I were sharing for the weekend, I stood in front of the mirror and decided which new outfit I'd wear out tonight.

Sarah and Jazz had a studio across the hall and mom was up on the next floor. The arrangement had been unspoken. Everyone was more or less aware of my current status with Heath. We were seeing each other but it was unofficial. And while no one said it out loud, I had a feeling that they all knew it was me that was keeping things from becoming more serious.

Mom and Jazz hit it off from the moment they met at the airport. The amount of blabbering was migraine inducing. But it was nice. At least it wouldn't be an uncomfortable weekend with tension and drama. I had enough of that to endure at home. And mom drama was so much worse than high school drama. They liked to call us teenage girls malicious. But I've heard my mom and her friends sitting around with their wines.

I've listened to the complaints of middle aged women talking about how Karin in the apartment across the hall has men in and out all weekend but Susan can't land one man and it doesn't seem fair so Karin must be a prostitute. That's the only explanation. Or how Megan just landed that promotion that she wasn't even qualified for so she must be sucking the boss off. And they all cover their mouths and gasp with offence when someone makes such a suggestion. But then they all nod in agreement, wincing while they sip on their thousand dollar bottles of wine. But they don't feel bad. They love talking more shit than a TMZ article.

But the point is, Jazz and mom are getting along so well and it's a huge relief. Tonight we're going on the London Eye. I couldn't be more excited but I do hope that the glass orb thing that we sit in, is heated because it's colder than my soul right now. Which is why I had a pair of leg warmers pulled over a velvet pair of booties, jeans, a turtle neck and a huge thick coat that almost drowned me but looked super cute. I slipped a beanie on over my hair and took a moment to appreciate the chance to step outside of summer fashion.

"You look beautiful," Heath said and I looked in the mirror to see him emerging from the bathroom in nothing but a towel. Ooh. Shredded muscles. Wet muscles. Damp hair. Help. "That coat is huge."

"That's not all that's huge," I mumbled and turned around to see him shaking his head with amusement.

"We have to leave in a minute," he said, watching me, watch him. His body made me delirious. "We're already running late."

"Fine," I sat on the edge of the bed and gestured for him to go ahead and change. There was really no way that I could gracefully seduce him. I was wearing way too many big clothes for that. "I'll just watch."

He laughed, gripped his towel and pulled it off before he started to rub it across his head.

"Ah," I cried and threw myself backwards into the mattress, folding my legs and clenching my thighs. "Clitches. Strong Clitches."

I peeped through my fingers and caught him giving me a heated stare. His shoulders rolled forward and his head tipped back as he groaned. "If I come near you, we are never leaving this room," he was all hard on and I felt a little moment of self satisfaction to know that I didn't even have to touch him to do that. "Maybe we shouldn't have roomed together."

I stood up and started towards the door, slipping past him even though my entire body was aching and begging for some sort of release. "You won't be saying that when we get back later. Trust me. Just put some clothes on and get out here," I opened our door and slipped out backwards, still getting my eyeful. "I'm too irresponsible for this role. I'm two seconds from abandoning it and jumping you."

"Excuse me?"

I screamed and slammed the door shut, spinning around to find mom watching me with disbelief. She looked warm but of course, glamorous as ever in cashmere winter wear. That was when I realised that she wasn't alone. Sarah and Jazz we're leaning against the wall and while Jazz had her head down, avoiding eye contact. Sarah was all giggles.

"I can't talk myself out of this," I shrugged. "So I won't bother."

"That's a first for you," mom gave me an accusatory look while she slipped her gloves on.

"I know right," I shook my head and sighed. Gah. I had the best comment about how his huge cock had fried my brain. But I couldn't do it. Not in front of Jazz. If it had just been mom, sure, no sweat. Even Sarah. But not Jazz.

Heath walked out of the apartment a few moments later. He looked so good in a leather jacket over his hoodie, a beanie, fitted jeans and his new docs that I'd bought him while I was out shopping this morning. He'd put up such a fight about the fact that I'd spent that kind of money on him. But I refused to let him whinge and shoved them at him. I was glad that he'd come around because he suited them. A lot.

He looked between the four of us, awkward and red. No doubt he knew that I'd been heard shouting sexual rants just a minute earlier. "Good to go?" He asked.

I nodded and took his hand, which made him smile with surprise and relax. "Yeah."

The eye was beautiful. The sights were out of this world. The stars that had come out when the cloud cleared, became the twinkling of city lights which then became the travelling luminous of the cars and trains below. We were at the top. The glass carts were huge. Big enough to fit a large crowd of people in. But we were blessed to have our cart to ourselves. I had been worried about the fact that we were an odd number, but mom was deep in conversation with Jazz while Sarah FaceTimed Alex and showed him the view.

Heath stood behind me, chin on my head, arms secured around the front of my stomach while we hung out in front of the window. The cart was kept dark so that we could see out properly and absorb the city below without our reflections warping the view.

My arms rested on top of Heath's and I let my head rest against his chest. He smelled so good. Like fresh shower and cologne. Which aroused me to the point of pain. Whenever he pressed a soft kiss against my head or pulled me a bit closer, my heart thrummed and I knew that this was super romantic and sweet and it should have had me running. But I loved how it made me feel.

"You know what," I said. Heath asked me what and I sighed. "I was just thinking that we should have come up here alone. So we could have had sex up here. Crossed it off our bucket list".

He laughed, I felt his chest rumbling against my back. "I'm not even surprised."

"You'd be into it. I know it."

"I'm almost certain that there are cameras up here."'

"Do you think that would stop me?"

He laughed again and then spun me around. His large warm hands cupped the back of my legs and he hoisted me onto the hand railing that circled the cart. "No," he murmured and settled between my legs. "I don't think that would stop you."

"Okay," I felt breathless. "I love this take charge thing that you've got going on. But I draw the line at screwing in front of our mothers. And your sister."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, no. That's not what I was going for. But I'm glad to know that you have some boundaries."

"Some boundaries," I nodded, agreeing with his statement. He grinned and leaned in so close that I could feel his mint breath fanning my face.

"I just wanted to kiss that mouth of yours," he practically whispered and closed the distance.

I melt. That's what he does to me. I wouldn't have control over it even if I wanted to. I loved everything about his kiss. His full lips. His tongue moving against mine. The stubble of his jaw. His hands circling my waist.

Suddenly, we heard the sound of a camera shutter. We pulled apart and found Sarah beside us, taking photos on her phone. She grinned and turned the screen around to show us what she'd captured. Which stirred some real emotion. Heath towered over me. His body was so much more dominating than I knew. His hands swallowed me. His lips looked perfect fused with mine.

"That's what we should do," I pushed Heath back at the chest and ignored the mild surprise on his gorgeous face as I grabbed Sarah and dragged her to the other side of the cart.

She resisted. "Uh. No thanks. I don't want to make out with you."

"Ha," I found her humour hilarious but I still had to force the laughter. My stomach and throat were all thick and knotted. "No. I meant selfies. We need a lot of them. Come on."

We stood beside each other in front of the window and she lifted the phone. We smiled, but I let my focus move to Heath and saw him leaning on the hand railing, watching with a sincere smile that twisted me up inside. Fear was going to kill me if I didn't get rid of it as soon as possible. Heath was the sort of man that you held the fuck on to with both hands. Was I really going to keep pushing him away?

The next day, we did the tourist thing. The Buckingham Palace. The churches. The historical buildings. The wax museum. That was the best part for me. Sarah too I think. We took photo after photo with famous actors and singers. I got told off twice for being super inappropriate. But Bray thought the snapchats were hilarious. Our group chat had been a bit more quiet since Ethan and Amy became weird and hard to keep up with. But I brought it back to life with photos of me bending over in front of Tom Hardy. Or getting on my knees in front of Bradley Cooper.

Mom was so embarrassed.

After that we decided to split off. Heath, Jazz and Sarah went to get dinner together. Mom and I took some take out back to her apartment. Which was nice because it felt like it had been forever since we'd just lounged around together in front of the television with some good food.

"How's the apartment?" Mom asked, setting her box of Thai down after she'd finished it.

"Well. I don't know. I rented it out to some Russian thugs before I left. They promised me that any necessary murder or torture would happen at another location. But I gave them permission to snort drugs off the coffee table and host orgy's in the spare bedroom."

"Mhmm," she lifted her wine to her lips. "That's good."

I grinned and shoveled the last of my food into my mouth before I leaned back into the sofa. "So, met someone? Please tell me that it's not all work and no play here."

She set her wine glass down, swivelled to face me and rested her hands in her lap. There was a talk coming. All of the signs were there. I just had no idea what to expect. Was she getting married? Pregnant? She'd come out as a lesbian? I was teetering in anticipation while I waited. Of course, her actual statement made me deflate like an old balloon.

"What's going on with you and Heath?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Well, I thought it was a casual arrangement," she scratched her brow. "Which I didn't love. But you can make your own choices. However, after seeing the two of you together since you arrived, I don't believe it's casual for a minute. So tell me what's going on?"

Usually I would be reluctant to fess up and be honest about my emotional bullshit. But for some reason, I just needed to tell someone and I knew that I could trust mom. "Yeah I like him. But I'm not going to date him. Not officially. I can't. Because I'm a coward."

She arched a brow, puzzled.

"I've come to terms with the fact that losing Benny ruined me. Bad. And I never want to go through that again. Like, relationships just never end well. Someone always gets hurt. Somewhere along the line. I'm just not interested in doing it for a second time."

"Oh, honey," she looked devastated and I was reminded of why I hated talking to mom. She made me feel emotional. "That breaks my heart. I mean, I knew you were taking some time after Benny died but I didn't think you'd sworn off relationships all together."

You should understand Mom," I said. "You haven't moved on since Dad."

Her face fell, her brows pulling together with grief. "That wasn't because I was scared of getting hurt again," she pushed my hair behind my ear. "That was because I was scared of you getting hurt."

"What?"

She inhaled a breath and scooted closer, staring at her lap as she contemplated what to tell me next. "While it devastated me that you never knew Dad, I always felt this— sense of relief," she looked at me with a cautious expression. "A sense of relief that you never had to experience that kind of pain. And because I knew what it was like, I didn't want you to ever go through that and have to lose anyone that I might have dated and broken up with.

"It never occurred to me that history might repeat itself and when Benny died," she paused and exhaled as though her chest hurt. "Watching you in that much pain. I just hated myself for not being able to protect you. And then I thought, perhaps if I had been more communicative about what loss was like and shown you that it was okay to move on after relationships ended, you might not have reacted as strongly to his death as you did. Of course you would have suffered. But not—"

"There were other factors that came into that Mom," I said, wanting to dismiss her guilt.

"I know," she nodded. "I just wish that I had been a better example. Losing someone hurts. But it's not the end of all good things, if that makes sense. Without sounding insensitive. I suppose that it helped having you. You're just like him. Your face and eyes and that eccentric personality. Sometimes I believe that he's right there—" she poked her finger at my heart with a sad smile— "still watching out."

If she didn't shut up, I was going to start sobbing and I didn't do that in front of people. So I bit the inside of my cheek and swallowed. "So your dumbass didn't date for almost eighteen years because of me? Mom, that's so ridiculous."

She chuckled at the brash comment and shrugged a shoulder. "Since this is a moment of being honest, I haven't not dated. It's just been casual arrangements."

I stared at her with a blank but mildly horrified expression.

"A woman has needs," she blushed.

I stared at the floor with raised brows. "Seems I ended up with a balanced mix of both parents. Good to know."

She shook her head and waved me off. "The point is, Heath seems like such a good person. He seems to care a lot and I can see the way that you look at each other. The way you move and smile and kiss. It's beautiful. And look, you're never promised a happy ending in real life sweetheart. You're never promised painless experiences. You and Benny had this— whirlwind romance. Fast and strong and full of promises. But you were fifteen baby. You have no idea if you'd have worked out. You change so much as you age. You grow apart. It just happens."

I didn't want to accept or admit that she was right. But I didn't stop her from talking either.

"Your father and I were young when we married and got pregnant. And I'm not saying that I didn't love him. I did. A lot. But he was a country boy through and through and I'd always had that urge to venture out. Explore more of the world. The city really appealed to me. And I was happy to forget about exploring for your dad. I was happy to stay with him on the farm and have our family. But who's to say that in ten years I wouldn't have decided that I had to leave the farm. That I needed more. It might have driven us apart. It might not have. I have no idea."

She shrugged and I started to feel like my head was spinning.

"So I can't tell you that you and Heath would last forever. That neither of you would get hurt. But if things were to end, as they are, right now, would it hurt?"

"Yes."

"Yeah," she nodded. "It would. Risks are part of life. It might be the best one you ever take. It might not. But don't let uncertainty stop you from being happy honey. Embrace what you've got when you've got it. If you'd known that what you had with Benny wasn't going to last, would you take it back?"

I wiped a tear off my cheek and shook my head. "No."

She smiled and squeezed my hand.

I stood up and exhaled a breath. "I have to go. Love you bitch."

"Leonie!"

I ran out of the apartment and shut the door behind me.