I wait a while for the messages. By the time they come in, I've already taken off my shoes and vanished into the vortex that is Instagram for over an hour.

Aiden: McKay

Aiden: I need to talk you. Pick up

Aiden: Why arent you picking up?

Aiden: McKay, please

Aiden: I can see that you don't want to talk to me, but at least read it

Aiden: When I was younger, I went to this place with my mother in Wembley. It was a small cottage where my grandparents used to live when they were alive. I never met them, but I knew a lot of them. They loved their only daughter dearly and left the house for her when they passed away. My mom told me that her parents knew that my father was hitting her. Her father told her that it was good, because discipline shouldn't end in the home you grew up in or some other idiocy. But my grandmother knew what that was. She didn't want her daughter to have to endure the same things she did, non-stop. She told my mother to use the house they were leaving for her as a haven from my father. All these years, she has been using that house and well... My point is that I know you're afraid that I'll harm you physically, but I want you to know that it doesn't have to be like that. I don't want you to need a place you can go to feel safe. I want to be where you feel safe. I want to be your refuge. Please don't be afraid of me, Princess. I promise, you don't have to be. I can be your place of comfort if you let me. There's nothing else I want. Please forgive me.

Aiden: And please forgive me for not being with you physically. I promise, I will apologize to you in person.

Aiden: Are you there????

Aiden: Please say something Princess

Aiden: Please call me back when you can

Aiden: It's okay if you're busy...or mad

Aiden: Just text me saying you're still mad

Aiden: I need to know that you're okay

Aiden: MCKAY!!!!

Aiden: Jesus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm an idiot. I know I don't deserve you or a second chance, but please Princess. Please think about how good we are for each other. I know I'm not alone in this.

Aiden: Of course I love you. I don't need time to know that. Just thinking of losing you makes me panic

Aiden: I can see how it might seem like I'm saying that because I'm desperate to get you back, but I promise it's the truth

Aiden: Princess, please

I stop. I can barely squeeze through a breath with my throat this closed.

My poor Aden.

Aiden: You don't have to tell me that you love me back. I promise, I won't be offended

Aiden: I'm calling you tomorrow at noon. Please, I'm begging you. Please pick up

Aiden: You don't want me anymore. That's it. I can feel it. But McKay, I don't want to do this without you

Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I know his agony all too well and it's hitting a very sensitive nerve with me.

Aiden: I'm never going to meet anyone like you. I know it. I'm never going to be the same without you

Aiden: I never want to be the same...not without you

Aiden: I want you to know it's okay. I know I deserve this and so much worse.

Aiden: The truth is that I tried to get over you with other girls. Yes, I kissed them and Christ... I almost did something really stupid in the name of forgetting you. It all makes sense now. This is the ultimate karma for what I did. After all I put you through, I get to be the one begging you to come back to me and I get to be in love with you while you move on. This is so ironic. You weren't even trying to get over me but seeing me trying to get over you, made you completely give up on us. I get it.

Aiden: I don't know if you'll ever see any of this, but know one thing Princess: I will never ever forget you

Aiden: McKay, I changed my mind. I need you back. You have to come back. This can't be it. What we have is too valuable and you know that

Aiden: I'm going to call you non-stop until you answer me

Aiden: PICK UP!!!!!

Aiden: Dammit, McKay

Aiden: McKay

Aiden: MCKAY!

Aiden: McKay

Aiden: McKay

Aiden: McKay

Aiden: McKay

Aiden: I'm going to get to you one way or the other. Even if I have to run away and miss an entire day of recording to come to Cleveland.

Aiden: I could get in serious trouble for this.

Aiden: You really think I won't do it? I'll send you a picture of the ticket I purchased

Aiden: Yves found out and stopped me. He says he can't let me go because it's breach of contract.

Aiden: But I'm going to get to you. Mark my words.

Aiden: I don't want to force myself into your life, Princess. I want you to want me there. Please. I want to be with you. Be my girlfriend, McKay. I want you so bad. I miss you too damn much. I can't take it.

Aiden: If you don't pick up tomorrow, I'm going to Danatha. I suggest you pick up if you don't want me to involve her

Wow. I never imagined that Aden would be in such a panic to get to me. Oh my God. And why the hell didn't he notice that something was amiss? I knew he blocked me the minute he did it. Fuck, he's dense. I'm so confused. I text him the truth.

Me: I don't know what to say again

Aiden: You can be honest. I can take it.

Me: I can't be in a relationship with you

Aiden: McKay. Please reconsider

My heart squeezes. I'm simply having trouble communicating what I really want to say. My phone pings again.

Aiden: I can't lose you. Please give me a chance to show you that this can be good. I promise you, you're going to feel so loved that you'll forget all of this.

Me: Firstly, you haven't lost me. I'm still here, willing to give you a chance. I can't let you rush us into a relationship when you clearly don't know if you want one.

Aiden: How can you say that? Of course I want to be with you. Havent I made that clear enough with all those messages I sent you?

Me: Kissing other girls fresh off a break up sends a very different message. Add the fact that we had never even kissed on the lips before that and I think you can see for yourself that your behaviour was beyond dubious

Aiden: I said I was sorry about that. I thought I could forget about you, but the love that I have for you is much stronger than all of that.

Me: Yes, but you never showed me that you're sorry. Secondly, please do me a favour and stop talking about love. I can't hear that after the way you threw it all back in my face. It's all way too fresh.

Aiden: But it's how I feel

Me: Aden, understand me. I can't believe that right now. So, for your own benefit, stop it.

Aiden: I think you're being too harsh with me

Me: Honestly Aden? You're smart. I think you know you deserve much worse. But I have no desire to see you suffer. I still want you and I still care deeply about you. I'm trying to say upfront what's going to make things worse for you. I want this to work and it never will if I secretly resent you every time you tell me that you love me.

Aiden: If you still want me, then why not be with me?

Me: It's as simple as this: you lost ground when you did all those things. Win it back.

Aiden: You lost ground with me too.

I start losing my patience - fast.

Me: I fought to gain back ground, Aden. I did everything short of prostrating myself at your feet back in Cali. I begged you to kiss me again and you wouldn't. I side-lined my frustrations to help you through whatever you were going through. I debased myself by begging you to touch me and sleep in my bed. I searched for you and most of fucking all, I let you take my kisses then snap at me as if nothing happened. How could you be so cold when you knew how much kissing you meant to me?

Aiden: ...

Me: No, don't answer that. I obviously expected too much from you.

Aiden: ...

I glare the response onto my screen.

Aiden: I'm sorry

Me: Don't be sorry. Just remember to refrain from saying things before thinking about them

I frown, roll my eyes and quickly correct myself.

Me: I didn't mean to say it like that. I can't hear that right now. Not after everything

Aiden: I really don't want to fight

Me: Neither do I. But the minute I remember what I put up with, I get so mad. That never should have happened.

Aiden: Can I call you?

I throw my phone on the bed and let my face fall straight onto my pillow. My phone starts vibrating and of course, I answer it.

"Aden," I sigh into the speaker.

"I'm sorry."

His voice is so low, I can hardly hear him.

"I know."

"No, I really need you to know how sorry I am, but I don't know how to show you." He rasps.

"Are you crying?" I ask, but I know the answer.

His voice only sounded like this when I spoke to him on the roof in LA.

"I know it's stupid, but-"

"No, it's not stupid. Fuck, Aden. I don't mean to hurt you so much. I'm trying to be as transparent as possible. But doing that is bringing back all the fucking turmoil from those days. It fucking hurts."

"I know."

"I'm sorry. Please, I'll do anything to get you stop hurting. Well, anything within reason."