Once I'm back in school, it's easy to not think about Aden. All I do is think about other people's business and schoolwork.

I focus on biology - my weakest subject compared to math and physics. I sit with Sybil at a different table from our usual one, so she can have a better view of her crush, Antwan. I excuse Danatha from most of her activities, citing sickness, when I know she's with JD. Then there's Tonya. She's acting out again - big shock there. I don't even care why.

This morning, I got the preliminary results from one of the programmes. Two had already rejected me this week, so I couldn't bear to open the envelope at school. The chances are so slim - slimmer than the chance of ever seeing Aden Arrington ever again.

I know it makes no sense, but I miss him, and that makes me mad. Why am I already missing him when I know I can't have him?

It's cruel when I see his name on my phone screen later in the day. It says to expect his call at 11 p.m. to which I reply that I can't because I need to sleep to be alert in class the next day.

Talking to him would be like applying to these scholarships again after being rejected the first time. I need to move on instead of fighting for an impossibility. Even if he can speak to me for a bit, he still wouldn't be consistent. There's no point. I'd be setting myself up for disappointment.

He replies with a question mark and I send him a full stop. He doesn't reply after that, so I go straight to bed after studying, feeling my stomach grumble but taking it almost as penance for ever thinking I could successfully be in charge of my future.

That's when the doorbell rings, and Olive bursts into my room to tell me that Mackenzie is waiting for me. She brought a blueberry pie for Nancy; courtesy of her dear sister Leona.

"There's a party at Henry's. You coming? Nope, forget I asked."

"I will."

"When will you stop being a social slave to the melancholy posse?"

"I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth." I sigh, plunking the pie in one of the containers and covering it with a tablecloth.

"Come on, I need my cousin to be in my circle. You make me look bad."

I don't say anything at first, even though I'm mad. Mackenzie is always harping on about being cool and it's obvious why. Her beer belly and her chunky face are nothing to be proud of. No wonder she's gone and dyed the bottom half of her hair a tacky dark blue. She needs to set herself apart to seem confident - especially with the bombshell of a mother she has.

From Leona's tall and slender but curvaceous physique, luscious black long hair(Nancy is the one who dyed her hair red)and enticing feline eyes, all Mackenzie was able to get from her mother was her bad chin. What's more, she gets to look like trailer trash while her mother is a literal Instagram model.

And yet, here she is trying to tell me I make her look bad, insinuating she's better than me off the fact that people like having her around because she's their private stand-up comedian?

I really wish I could one up her. I cringe as I imagine appearing at one of her precious parties with Aden Arrington on my arm. That would make her tumble off her high horse. But I can't. Why? Because Aden is an impossibility and I'd do well to remember that, no matter what he says.

"Ever stop to consider that maybe you make me look bad?"

Mackenzie makes a face before responding.

"On your best days, you look like toothpaste that fell on top soil."

"Alright, tell Aunty I got the pie and it shall be delivered. You can go now."

"I don't mean it in a bad way, McKay, but you dress like the worst version of Mick Jagger's stylist."

Did I mention her humour is as pedestrian as it gets?

"I'm not even sure I know what that means."

"Oh, it might mean you're doing great, sweetie."

"Bye, Mackie. It was lovely to see you and please let it be long until the next time."

I slam the door in her face as I imagine throwing the kitchen chair at it. That's when my ringtone comes on, interrupting my line of thinking. I take out my phone and answer blindly.

"Hello? Sleeping beauty?"

Well, I guess he's not tired of his pretend game where it's totally fine for us to keep talking even though we'll never see each other again. If you can't beat them, join them, right?

"Uh... Unwilling hostess but forget it. What's up?"

Okay, I couldn't help being the slightest bit petty.

"I told you I'd call."

I roll my eyes, sitting on my desk chair.

"Good for you. Are you coming to collect your participation trophy, or do you want it delivered?"

"Ha! Look, I need to speak fast. We're all getting dressed and I said I needed the john."

"Hurry then."

"When can we talk?"

"Why? Did something happen?"

"No, It's... I was thinking that maybe we could talk sometimes.
"I miss you." He continues when I don't reply.

Now what does that matter in the grand scheme of things?

"That's not a good idea, so."

"It was a few days ago."

"We never discussed anything like that. Plus, I have school."

"I know, and I have shows, but we can make this work. How about we do afternoons? I can make up a thing. I'll say that I've taken up meditation for fifteen minutes a day."

What a load of crap. He seriously couldn't come up with a better line then. Wow. He has another thing coming if he thinks I'm going to fall for that weak bullshit.

"I have activities, and Olive and I have to study."

"I-"

"No, Aden."

"Do you even want to make this work?"

"Make what work?"

"Us."

"What the fuck is us? How can you mention an us when you're still in love with another girl?" Shit, where did that even come from. But then again, it is a valid point, so... "Do you think I'm stupid? If you want a friend, we can be friends. But there's no such thing as us."

"So now I'm being punished for telling the truth?"

"That's not fair." Or the point, for that matter.

"You're the one not being fair here, McKay. Was I the only one developing feelings at that carnival?"

"We were pretending!"

"Well, I'm not pretending now. I want you in my life."

"I'm here." Wait, am I? Well, there's still the issue of longevity, I guess. "But you're not interested in me long term, are you?"

"How can you expect me to know that at this stage? It's too early. That's why we should talk."

"No, I need to set boundaries if I'm the only one who's fully invested in whatever it is that's going to happen."

"You're scared."

What the fuck? How dare he? I'm scared? Is he insane? Anyone would be scared. But it's not even that. I'm not. I just happen to know the realities he's still trying to pretend don't exist.

"That's not fair, Aden. I'm trying not to be rude and unkind, but you have nothing for me! You're in a famous band. You signed away your time and energy. I know it's not your fault, but it isn't mine either for protecting myself. And all that is already when I disregard that you're still in love with Denise, whoever she is.
"I've given as much as I could give right now. I jumped state lines for you. But what can you do for me? When will I see you again, huh? A few months? Years?!"
I pant into the receiver, alone for a while.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not for you to be sorry; I'm the one who is. I have to deny you and deny myself."

I go into full rant mode as I remember him kissing my skin at the shrine. I was so stupid. I should have known I would want more, even without kissing his lips.

"How can you expect me to carve out that amount of time when I have insanely busy days while you don't know what we are? When you can't know? I'm sorry, but-"

"But what is going on with you?"

"I don't know. I'm...tired and now is not a good time. Can we speak later please?"

I dismiss, feeling the onset of a headache. He's not right, but I'm too mad to explain myself properly.

"You're in a bad mood."

"Saying that makes it worse, but yes. Please, just... later."

I hang up unceremoniously and get into my blankets. Well, that was quite the shit show. But hopefully he won't call me ever again.

Once I'm fully covered, I fall asleep. But it's exhausting to push such a strong feeling towards someone away. The truth is that I'm angry because I want him in my life, despite knowing what I'm up against and that it'll probably last less than a week. Of course, I want to speak to him. How could I not?