"What I don't understand is how biting people is a turn-on," Aiden said.

They were at the counter in Luke's, like always.

Thea wondered how Todd's mom's book, titled True Confessions from a Bombshell Bank Bandit (which is what the media had dubbed them, because they were hot and they robbed banks), somehow got to what Aiden said.

Sage looked at Aiden, "I don't know. You tell me." Then he proceeded to bite Aiden straight on the side of his neck.

Aiden had to shove him away, "What is wrong with you, you fucking vampire?"

"I'm not a vampire," Sage said. "I've seen the hickies you leave behind on Thea."

"I've heard plenty of things in my life and that just made the top five," Luke said.

"Hey, I was just talking about my mom's book, and it turned into that brand of weirdness," Todd defended himself.

"If Todd thinks it's weird, then it's weird," Thea said. "So, it just got really weird in here."

Todd grinned because someone finally agreed with him on what just happened being weird.

Thea looked at him, "Hey, if you were to get a tattoo, what would you get?"

Todd shrugged, "I don't know. Something to confuse people over. Maybe get a tattoo of a foot on the bottom of my foot. And I can say, 'what to see my foot tattoo' and when they go what? I can take off my shoe and then sock and show it to them. Just to confuse the hell out of them."

Everyone looked at Todd and then one of the babies from one of the two families started making sounds.

Luke and Liberty both looked over at the families with matching looks of pure loathing.

Thea started, "So, if I were to get—"

"What do you know?" Lorelai interrupted, "Your faces really can freeze that way." She and Rory had joined Thea and her friends at the counter, shoving their way in between Aiden and Sage.

Liberty and Luke were both glowering at the two families that always came in every weekend morning and did not bother to order anything besides two iced teas to go.

Rory noticed the bite mark on Aiden's neck, "Nice bite mark. Did Thea give it to you?"

"No, Sage," Aiden said.

"I regret asking," Rory said as Sage grinned wickedly at her.

"Business looks good," Lorelai told Luke.

"Yeah, the place is packed," Rory pointed out.

"Sure, it's been taken over by the J. Crew catalog," Luke said, motioning to the families at the table.

In a weirdly excited tone, Rory said, "Oh, look, babies!"

Lorelai said, "I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again."

"Now it's yellow ball time," Liberty said.

A woman was saying, "Find the yellow ball."

Her husband was looking through the diaper bag, "Yellow ball, yellow, yellow ball..." He held a rubber duck, "Yellow duck."

"Ball," the woman told him.

The man continued, "Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball."

Luke explained, "Every weekend, the same stupid group comes in here and take up all my tables and every chair they can get their sticky hands on, and they do that. They sit, they stand, one person holds the kid, another person holds the kid."

Liberty said, "It's Choo-Choo Joe time."

A man said, "I've got Choo-Choo Joe."

Luke explained, "This guy runs in and out and back and forth, the other guy never takes his head out of that stupid bag, the women can't figure out which kid is which, and they do it all morning long, and then order two iced teas to go, and that is it."

Lorelai said, "I'm sure you two are exaggerating."

Liberty slammed her hands on the counter in front of Lorelai, giving her a wild look, "Do we look like we exaggerate to you?"

"Libby," warned Luke. To Lorelai, he said, "We are not exaggerating."

The first woman said, "Oh god."

Luke said, "Oh, now, this is good, you see – Choo-Choo Joe will not be working."

The second woman ordered, "Get the Bongo Bear. Get the Bongo Bear."

Rory asked, "How'd you know that?"

Liberty said, "Because it's the same crap for the last six months."

Luke said, "Personally, Libby and I don't think he's broken, we think he killed himself to get away from that family."

"I would too," Aiden said. "I'd rather die than get dragged back home to that family. They're a nightmare."

Lorelai looked at the families, "Oh, now that kid's a major drooler."

Rory was disgusted, "Yeah, it's like a fountain."

Luke said, "Okay, that's it, they have to go."

"I agree," Thea said. She would be irritated if some families showed up in the bakery and did not order anything all morning and only took a cookie to go or something.

Lorelai said, "Luke, come on, it's just spit. Pretend you're at a baseball game."

Liberty said, "It's not the spit. It's the fact that they don't spend any money here."

"Let them go not spend money at Al's, I'm through," Luke said. He started to walk toward the people when a woman stood up and started unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walked back to Lorelai and Rory.

Luke asked, "Is that woman doing what I think she's doing?"

Thea looked over at the woman who started nursing her baby. "She's just feeding her child?"

Lorelai said, "Um, well, I can't be a hundred percent sure, but...oh yeah, that's lunch."

Luke ranted, "Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here."

"Dad, just go upstairs. I'll deal with it," Liberty said. She glanced at the breastfeeding mother. "After she gets done feeding her child."

"I have to do something. I just can't stand here and let the lactating continue," Luke ranted.

Lorelai started, "Luke."

"Gross!" replied Rory.

Luke said, "I'm gross? I'm not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That's it."

"She has her back to the other customers," Sage pointed out. "They're not seeing it."

"Just go upstairs, Dad," Liberty said. "You're working yourself up into having a stroke or something. Just go. I'll deal with it."

"Fine," Luke replied. He went upstairs, giving one last dirty look to the family for being there and not spending any money.

"Wow, he really hates breastfeeding," Lorelai pointed out.

"He just hates that family," Todd said. "They don't spend any money so they earn his hatred. He doesn't hate breastfeeding."

Thea nodded. She recalled a few memories when there had been a few times when a mother was breastfeeding in the diner and Luke didn't care. "It's just that family he has a problem with."

Jess walked down the stairs, maybe Luke woke him up or something. He spotted the woman breastfeeding, "Oh geez." He turned around and went back upstairs. 

"You know," Rory started. "I never asked what your PSAT scores were."

Thea wondered why Rory brought that up since that thing happened last year. "Uh...770 for both verbal and math. Why?" She frowned, "What did you get?"

"How did you beat me?" asked Rory. "I got 740 for verbal and 760 for math."

Thea almost laughed, because take that private school education. She said, "Let's just assume our scores got mixed up along the way, okay?" 

Thea was checking the mail when a tiny guy came up to her. Okay, he wasn't that tiny, but he was short compared to Thea.

The guy said, "Hey! Hello there, neighbor!"

Thea frowned, because she was sure that this guy wasn't her neighbor. "Hi. Are you my neighbor?"

"Yes, yes we are," the guy said. "I just moved in across the way."

"Oh, so you were the one who moved into Beenie Morrison's house," Thea said.

"That's right," the man said. "Hey, is your mother home?"

Lorelai and Rory had just pulled up.

"She is now," Thea said.

Lorelai and Rory were talking about something or other, it sounded like Lorelai had gotten after Pete and it sounded like he gave them hot cheesy bread.

Lorelai came over to Thea and the man, before going inside the house with Rory.

"Our new number killed some people," Thea told Rory.

Rory asked, "What makes you say that?"

Thea said, "You should've seen his shirt. Only murderers wear shirts like that."

"Okay," replied Rory, chuckling.

"Ethan sometimes wears shirts like that and he killed his wife," Thea said. "So, murderers wear shirts like that."

"Okay, Norman Bates," Rory replied. "Quick, take some pizza and cheesy bread before Mom eats it all. I can't believe I was raised to believe that the way she treated you was all right."

"You were a kid," Thea told her, taking some pizza and cheesy bread.

"So were you," Rory replied. 

Thea took her plate and went upstairs.

At school there was homecoming.

Since someone stole the wooden slabs for the bleachers in the gym the day before homecoming, they had to have it outside on the bleachers that was reserved for games.

However, it looked like two teachers were having issues with the sports sheds. One teacher opened the door and slammed it shut, jumping back before another teacher went to check the shed, but also closed the door.

The principal was trying to get everyone's attention on him but of course everyone was looking in the direction of the sports shed.

Two security guards had gone into the shed.

There were whispers and murmurs about what was happening.

The two security guards eventually dragged a brown-haired girl out of the shed. It looked like she was foaming at the mouth as she growled at everyone.

Emiko poked the back of Thea's head and whispered, "Madison just done PCP for the first time."

Then Craig proceeded to accidentally shatter the glass on a vending machine by launching a thumb tack at it using the rubber band.

Everyone in the hallway made a dash to clear out the vending machine, including Thea who stole a bunch of chips and pretzels.

Emily and Richard were surprised by Thea's purple hair and said they liked it, even though they were surprised by it.

So, they were eating dinner when Emily asked, "What do you of the pork? Rory?"

"It's good," Rory said.

"I'm not sure," Emily said. "Thea?"

"It's nice," Thea said, even though she was mostly eating the rolls that were in front of her. 

It reminded her oddly of the Mexican restaurant that Francine and Straub took her, Aiden, and Sage to one day. Thea proceeded to mostly eat the chips and salsa that had been placed out there.

"I'm not sure since you've eaten at least five of those rolls in front," Emily replied. "Richard?"

Thea wondered why Emily counted the rolls. She set down her sixth roll and cut up another section of her pork to eat.

"It's fine," Richard said.

"I'm not sure," Emily replied.

"It's really good, Mom," Lorelai told her.

"Yes, well, I'm not sure," Emily said. "Even Thea ate something else besides the pork."

"Pork is bred leaner these days," Richard explained. "It has a different taste. Less fat equals less flavor. Yet another example of the great advances man has made, flavorless pork. Hurrah for the opposable thumbs."

Emily said, "All right, enough talk about pork. Please, someone change the subject." She looked at Thea, "Thea, what horrors lie in your public school?"

Thea decided not to mention the PCP incident. "Well, someone stole the wooden slabs in the beachers the day before Homecoming so we had to have it outside on the bleachers used for games. And one of my friends accidentally broke the glass on the vending machine, by launching a thumb tack at it with a rubber band. I also looted the vending machine."

"That explains all those pretzels and chips," Rory said. She had snagged some pretzels from Thea's pile of snacks.

At least Emily seemed relieved that it was minor vandalism compared to naked students falling from the ceiling. "Okay. What else?"

"Mom had a really good time at the auction the other day," Rory said.

Yeah, she had a good time because she met a man.

"Did you?" asked Emily, surprised.

"Yes, yes, I did," Lorelai replied.

"Well, I'm glad," Emily said, grinning. "Did you see anything you liked?"

Rory was enjoying herself, "Yeah, Mom, anything look good to you there?"

Lorelai said, "Yes, actually, I, uh, bought a couple of end tables for the inn."

Emily said, "I must say I was very impressed with the selection this year. I even wound up purchasing a couple of pieces for myself."

Richard said, "Yes, how nice to have yet another chair you can't sit in."

Emily countered, "It's one hundred-years-old."

"Wonderful," Richard said, "We can put it next to the two-hundred-year-old footstool you can't put your foot on."

Emily said, "Oh, Richard, please."

Richard continued, "I'm only teasing, Emily. It is one of the great pleasures of my life to be able to surround you with a house full of useless objects. No, I'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner staring at our furniture."

Emily said, "Eat your pork, please."

Rory continued, "You know, I believe there was something at the auction that Mom wanted but she didn't get." To Lorelai, she said, "Isn't that right, Mom?"

Emily asked Lorelai, "Oh really? What was that?"

Lorelai said, "I think it was a steamer trunk for Rory to take with her to military school, wasn't it, honey?"

Emily said, "I don't remember a steamer trunk, but I can check on it for you if you like."

That's not necessary, Mom," Lorelai replied. It got a little quiet so Lorelai continued speaking, "Uh, so, Mom, it was a very nice bunch of people you had at that auction."

Emily said, "Yes, very nice."

Thea chose to eat another bread roll.

Lorelai said, "I was surprised at how many young people were there. I mean, you know, younger people. Um, in fact, uh, like, for instance, this guy that I talked to for quite awhile, he was...younger."

Emily asked, "What man was that?"

Lorelai said, "Oh, I didn't get his name, but he was a nice looking guy. He had a gray suit and he was paddle number seventeen. He likes Merlot."

Emily asked, "Are you talking about Peyton Sanders?"

Lorelai said, "Oh, I don't know, maybe."

Emily said, "Wait one second, I'll look it up."

Lorelai said, "Oh, no no no, Mom, you don't have to—" Emily got up to get some paper. She whispered to Rory, "she's looking it up."

Emily looked at her paper, "Paddle number seventeen, Peyton Sanders." She sat down.

Lorelai said, "Oh great, oh, Peyton Sanders. Well, that's great that it's Peyton Sanders...'cause that's, uh, great. How well do you know this Peyton Sanders?"

Emily asked, "Why?"

"What?" asked Lorelai.

Emily said, "Why do you wanna know how well I know Peyton Sanders?"

Lorelai said, "I don't wanna know. I was just mentioning that he was, you know, seemed...uh, you know..."

"Young," finished Emily.

Lorelai said, "Yes, young. Okay, Mom, uh, Peyton and I kind of hit it off and I wondered if you possibly had his number...okay, there, I said it. Pass the flavorless pork."

Emily was smiling, "You're asking me for his number?"

Lorelai said, "If it's not a big deal, then yes."

Emily said, "Well, well, well. Richard, Lorelai's asking me for a man's number."

Richard said, "So I heard."

Lorelai said, "But if it's a big deal, forget it."

Emily said, "It's not a big deal at all. I don't have his number."

Lorelai said, "Okay, then, never mind."

Emily said, "I can get his number. Would you like me to get his number?"

Lorelai said, "Um, it's up to you."

Emily said, "It can't be up to me. I didn't ask for his number, you asked for his number, therefore it has to be up to you as to whether or not I get his number."

Lorelai said, "Okay, Mom."

Emily asked, "Would you like me to get his number?"

Lorelai said, "Yes, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all," Emily said.

Lorelai said, "Thank you."

Emily said, "You're welcome."

Lorelai spoke to Rory, "I wasn't kidding about that military school."

"Pass me a roll," Rory told Thea.

Thea handed one over. Rory took a bite, "Can I get another one?"

Thea stuck the bowl of roll in between her and Rory.

"See, even Rory doesn't like this pork," Emily pointed out.

Apparently the clock was on the wrong time, so Thea wanted to punch whoever set it incorrectly.

Lorelai rushed down the stairs, "Okay, the clock is right! If we hurry, we still have time to hit Luke's for breakfast." She went to a table. "What'd I forget?"

Rory ran in from the kitchen, "Pants."

Lorelai paused in her rushing, "Uh! Ooh, don't do that. Come on, let's go!"

Rory grabbed her binder from the table, "I can't."

"You can't have breakfast?" Lorelai said, "You have to have breakfast."

Rory said, "The clock is wrong, I'll miss my bus."

Lorelai said, "Forget your bus, I'll drive you to school."

Rory said, "You will?"

"Yes." Lorelai and Rory headed for the door, "Oh shoot!"

Rory asked, "What?"

Lorelai said, "Dwight's lawn."

Thea could do it, but it was more fun and entertaining to watch Lorelai and Rory freak out.

"Aw, there goes the breakfast sandwich," Rory whined.

Lorelai said," No, no, let's hurry, we can still do Luke's."

Rory said, "Mom!"

Lorelai ushered Rory to the door, saying, "Let's go!"

Rory said, "Agh, my shoes!"

Lorelai joked, "You don't need shoes! In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes!"

Rory said, "Aw, come on."

Thea went after them because she was curious to see the potential serial killer's house.

They went up the pathway and Lorelai messed with the sprinkler system. "Okay, come on, sprinkle." She turned the sprinklers on, "There, drink up boys, we've got a breakfast to get to."

Rory continued up to the porch and took down an envelope, "Mom."

"What?" asked Lorelai.

Rory showed her the envelope, "I think this is for you."

Lorelai looked at the name written on the envelope, "Lorelai? No, it must be someone else. Hey, don't read that. Do not read that. I'm telling you, no good can come from you reading that."

Rory proceeded to open the envelope, to read the letter. She read, "'Dear Lorelai...'"

"And she's reading it," Lorelai said to herself.

Rory continued, "'Just a couple of things that came to mind after we talked.'"

"Oh great," Lorelai said.

Rory continued, "'First of all, thank you for this very kind favor you're doing me. I still can't believe that any one person would be so kind to someone they just met.'"

Lorelai said, "Yeah, apparently Dwight's last home was Oz, and not as in 'The Wizard Of.'"

Rory continued reading, "'Second, since you are already coming over to take care of my lawn, I was hoping you wouldn't mind stopping inside and watering my African violets. I have written the directions on a separate piece of paper, there's a key in the planter by the door. Please go in, make yourself at home. I have food in the fridge, satellite TV, and a great collection of board games. My oasis is your oasis.'"

Lorelai said, "I'm not going in that house. Rory, do not pick up that key." Rory had gone to the planter to take the key.

Rory said, "But we have to water the violets." She picked up the key.

Lorelai said, "No, I didn't agree to violets. He threw the violets in after he'd already rooked me into watering his lawn."

Rory said, "Don't you at least wanna see what his house looks like?"

"I do," Thea said. "I want to see the serial killer's house."

Lorelai said, "Absolutely not. Key, please. Let me just say, if we walk in there and his dead mother is sitting in a rocking chair, not a bit surprised."

Lorelai took the key and unlocked the door. They walked in.

The Oasis truly looked like it was beach themed.

"Oh, yeah, Dwight," Lorelai said, sounding impressed.

Rory said, "This place is great."

Lorelai said, "Someone took the whole lounge craze very seriously."

There was a large cabinet that was filled with board games.

Rory opened the lid to the other side of the cabinet, "Oh my."

"My god, that's a lot of board games," Thea said.

"He wasn't kidding," Lorelai said.

Rory said, "I have never seen this many board games. He's got Monopoly from every country in the world."

Lorelai started, "Hey, when you finally meet him?"

"Yeah?" replied Rory.

Lorelai said, "Remember he owns Twister – there's a great visual awaiting you."

Rory said, "Got it." She looked at the tiki bar, "Hey, how come we don't have a tiki bar?"

Lorelai said, "Well, we are not two wild and crazy guys."

"Three," Rory pointed out. "You forgot to include Thea in that statement. And you like piña coladas."

Lorelai joked, "And getting lost in the rain."

"It's caught in the rain," Thea corrected with an eyeroll. How can a person who loves movies and songs get something like that wrong?

Rory said, "I love it here."

Lorelai said, "It's quite a statement, I'll give him that."

Rory said, "Hey, African violets." She went over to the violets with Thea following.

Lorelai said, "Oh yeah, right." Her cell phone rang and she answered it. While Lorelai talked, Rory picked up the tray of the African violets and took it to the tiki bar.

Thea followed.

"It was a good surprise," Lorelai whispered to Rory.

"Yay," replied Rory.

Lorelai continued talking to Peyton while Thea read the instructions on watering the African violets. Rory picked up a watering can and looked at it like she never saw one before.

"David Bowie?" asked Lorelai.

"What?" asked Rory.

Thea tuned out until she heard Lorelai saying, "No, I think that sounds just crazy enough."

Rory asked, "What sounds crazy enough?" She added water to the violets.

Lorelai said, "Well, that sounds great, Peyton. It's a plan...I'll see you then, okay, bye." She hung up her phone, "We're having dinner tomorrow."

Rory asked, "What were you saying about David Bowie?"

Lorelai said, "Well, first, he asked me to the David Bowie concert next week."

Rory gushed, "You're so lucky!"

Lorelai said, "I know! And once that was set, he said that a week was an awfully long time to wait."

Thea took the watering can and added water to the violets.

Rory said, "He did not."

Lorelai said, "So we're having dinner tomorrow."

Rory added, "And Bowie next week."

Lorelai said, "And Bowie next week."

Rory said, "Two dates in one phone call. Talk about not wasting any time."

Lorelai said, "He sounds very cool, and not just 'cause he owns his own jet."

Rory added, "Well, remember to tell him that the way to get to you is through your daughter, who desperately wants to go to Amsterdam or your other daughter who wants to go to..." She trailed off. She didn't know where Thea wanted to go.

"Ireland and Switzerland," Thea said.

"Ireland and Switzerland," Rory finished.

Lorelai said, "I will remember."

Rory said, "I think this place is lucky."

Lorelai said, "I think you may be right. Of course, creepy's the other word that comes to mind."

Apparently Peyton was really boring, according to Rory.

While Thea was filling out another college application, Rory said, "Come with me to the Oasis. I need to water Dwight's lawn."

"Why do you need me to hold your hand to water some grass?" asked Thea.

"Because I wanted to play some board games while there," Rory said.

"Okay," Thea said.

Rory asked, "But can we keep our clothes on?" She looked like she was having a flashback to walking in to find Thea, Sage, and Aiden in the middle of strip Monopoly.

"Yeah," Thea replied, a little disgusted at the thought of playing a stripping game with her sister. 

Thea and Rory went next door.

"I'll find us a board game," Rory said and Thea turned on the sprinklers.

She went into the house and Rory took out a board game.

The phone rang.

"Hey, it's Dwight, leave a message, I'm listening," Dwight's voicemail said.

A woman on the answering machine said, "Dwight, hi it's Doris. Doris, your wife, remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spineless little worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling little pond scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? From me? I would've found you sooner if I had bothered to look, but now I have, I found you, and all I can say is this – I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! And I will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth until I get them back – especially the Trivial Pursuit!"

"Jesus Christ," Thea said. "If I was married to that woman, I would sneak out the window too." Rory nodded in agreement. "It wouldn't surprise me if she used to hit him too on top of that verbal abuse."

"The sprinklers!" yelled Rory, looking up from the violets she was watering.

Thea went outside to turn them off but accidentally turned them up higher. "Shit!" She tried to turn them off, but turned them on higher. "Goddamn it!" She decided to turn them up higher for good measure, getting soaked in the process.

Rory came out, "Whoa!"

"Get help!" Thea said.

Rory took out her pager, "Dean, please have your pager with you, please, come on. Dean, come on!" Apparently there was no reply. "Damn you and your Unabomber tendencies! Aw man!" She ran through the sprinklers and down the sidewalk.

Eventually Jess and Rory returned. Jess ran up the pathway, took the spigot and turned the sprinklers off. His upper torso got soaked.

Rory came up the pathway, "Aw, you made it look so easy."

"Yeah, it was loose," Jess said. "You two just had to press and give it a good twist, that's all."

"Well, thank you," Rory said.

"You're welcome," Jess replied. "How did you both have trouble turning it off?"

"I was busy replaying Dwight's wife's awful voicemail," Thea said. "I turned it the wrong way. Three times."

"Three?" asked Jess.

"I had to make the same mistake a third time," Thea said.

"Well, you both should change before you get sick," Rory pointed out.

Thea guessed she had a good point there. "Come on, I got some clothes you can borrow."

"I don't know, Thea," Jess said. "I don't think your Neapolitan sweater would look good on me."

"As if I will let go anywhere near that sweater," Thea replied. "Besides, Aiden and Sage left some clothes at my place."

Rory's pager went off, "My pager."

"Yeah, I figured," Jess replied.

Rory checked the pager and put it away.

"Let me guess," Thea said. "Dean?"

"Yeah," Rory said. "I paged him earlier to come over and help Thea and he just got the message, so he's..."

"Yeah, you better go," Thea said. Coming from the last time Dean came over, Thea held a knife to his throat.

"Yeah, you better," Rory agreed.

Jess turned the sprinklers back on and took off.