The substitute taking over Mrs. Landry's position was creepy. No – Ms. Collins wasn't a sexual creep, but she was weird. She wore a black ren faire cloak, which Thea thought looked cool and made her want one too.

The first thing Ms. Collins said to Thea was, "You have beautiful eyes, can I have them for my collection?"

And then once, Ms. Collins was showing them a math problem and without turning around, said, "Neil, if you poke Noella in the neck with your pencil, I'm sending you straight down to the principal's office." Then she continued and turned around, throwing the chalk at Neil, hitting him in the face with it, yelling, "That's it! Principal's office! Now!"

Neil took his stuff, left, grumbling something. Then Ms. Collins continued on with her lesson.

Sure, it was cool and funny and all, considering how she knew that and all, but then she perched on the desk, as in, crouching down on the edge of the desk like a vulture and staring at the class unblinkingly while they took a test which was just creepy.

Then she took them all on an impromptu field trip to the cemetery to write down the names and birth- and death- dates of twenty kids, twenty adults, and twenty infants for some reason. It was a pretty weird project, but Thea, oddly enough, kind of enjoyed it. It was assumed that Ms. Collins had a very important phone call to make during school hours and instead of making them take a test, she just had them go to the cemetery and turned them loose.

Some guys had gotten into an argument, with one saying, "Go away! This is my grave!"

"Hey! You came over here!" the other argued.

Then Ms. Collins appeared over to them, "Not arguing in front of the resting spots of the deceased, are we boys?"

"N-no, Ms. Collins," one said and took off because tiny 5'1 Ms. Collins just glared them down.

Then a girl yelped four rows over and Ms. Collins suddenly appeared over there because the woman must've teleported to get over there so fast.

Then Ms. Collins put porcelain dolls on the desk or on the windowsills to 'watch over the class' which was strange.

Once, when it was extremely windy, Ms. Collins opened the windows a bit and paused the class so they could listen to the 'screams of the damned'.

Another time, she once stopped a class and said, "Look at the crow. What's it doing?" She hopped a little, "It's walking like this—" She hopped a little. "So weird." Then she continued her lesson like nothing happened.

Honestly, she was probably the best and coolest teacher that Thea ever had.

Somehow Emily roped Lorelai into having Thanksgiving in Hartford, since Emily and Richard were going to be gone for Christmas and it'll be the last holiday they'll spend for the rest of the year.

So, there were going to be three Thanksgiving dinners that they had to go to: Lane's, Sookie's, and the grandparents. Luke's really didn't count since he and Liberty don't celebrate the holiday. 

At school, nothing much happened, other than a pregnant sophomore girl stabbing her now ex-boyfriend in the back with a mechanical pencil because he dumped her after she told him she was pregnant. She had twisted the pencil to get it stuck so that an ambulance was called to take him to the hospital to get it removed.

Then the calculus teacher had a breakdown of some sort, took off his clothes, and ran around the building yelling at people.

Kirk was coming out of Le Chat Club with a bunch of cat supplies, when Thea and Georgia came up to the store. Thea wanted to get some cat food for her two cats.

"Hey, Kirk," Lorelai said, coming up with Rory. "Discover a new freaky fetish?"

Georgia glowered, still holding a grudge from Lorelai calling her a freak. Thea wondered why that was Lorelai's first thought.

"What?" asked Kirk.

"Nothing," Lorelai said. "You buy a cat?"

"Yup." Kirk said, "I'm very excited."

"You don't sound like it," Thea pointed out.

Lorelai looked at the pet supplies, "So what's all this?"

Rory joked, "I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store."

Kirk didn't seem to get it, "Actually, there are a number of things left."

Rory said, "No, I meant you seem to be buying a lot of stuff."

"Oh, sorry," Kirk said. "My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole."

The only thing that was clearly clouding him was that lack of understanding Lorelai's and Rory's sense of humor.

Lorelai asked, "So where'd you get the cat?"

Kirk said, "A lady had a bunch of them at the grocery store and Kirk seemed to take an instant liking to me."

Thea asked, "You named your cat Kirk?"

"Yes," Kirk replied.

Lorelai repeated, "The cat's name is Kirk?"

"Yup," replied Kirk.

Lorelai was clearly judging, "Weird coincidence or...?"

Thea thought it was rich coming from the woman who named her daughter after herself. But then again, Thea named her cats River and Phoenix, essentially naming her cats after the late actor, River Phoenix.

"I named him Kirk," Kirk replied.

Lorelai said, "Isn't that confusing?"

Kirk replied, "Not when you think about it.

Lorelai seemed to be thinking about it, "No, it's still confusing."

Kirk said, "I like the name, and whenever I call Kirk's name, I obviously won't be calling myself."

Lorelai replied, "True."

Kirk said, "Although when my mom calls for Kirk, that may be confusing. Maybe I can get her to say Cat!Kirk when she's calling Kirk, and Human!Kirk when she's calling me."

Georgia grabbed Thea's shoulders and forced her to enter Le Chat Club.

They went to Lane's first for Thanksgiving and Lorelai rang the doorbell. Mrs. Kim answerthe the door, "Ah, the Gilmores. Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving," Lorelai said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Rory and Thea said in unison.

"Come in," Mrs. Kim said, letting them in.

"She's in a good mood this year," Lorelai whispered.

"Downright chipper," added Rory as they walked in the house.

Lorelai started, "So, um, Mrs. Kim, we, uh, we brought gifts." She opened the paper bag.

"Flowers," added Rory, holding out a bundle of flowers.

"And cranberry sauce, our little Thanksgiving tradition," Lorelai added, holding out a can of cranberry sauce.

"Thank you," Mrs. Kim said, "can never have too much."

"That's what we say," Rory said.

"Plus, a chocolate turkey," Lorelai said, handing over a chocolate turkey.

Mrs. Kim was confused, "What should I do with this?"

"Oh, I don't know," Lorelai said, "let the kids share it."

"And then send a blank check to their dentist?" asked Mrs. Kim.

"They don't have to eat it, they can play with it," Lorelai said.

"Play with chocolate?" Mrs. Kim looked at the chocolate turkey and showed it to them, "It's missing its head."

"Ooh, that one's ours," Lorelai took it and handed her a different chocolate turkey. "Here, this one has a head. There ya go."

"Okay," Mrs. Kim said, walking away.

"My arms are too short to box with Mrs. Kim," Lorelai said.

"Mrs. Kim will knock you on your ass within ten seconds and be crowned the winner," Thea told her as she took off her overcoat and adjusted her white sweater.

"True," Rory said and Lorelai looked offended at that. "The singing's already begun."

Lorelai looked at the guitar player, "Mm. Who's that playing guitar? He looks familiar."

Rory said, "Oh my God, that's Lane's Dave."

"Oh, yeah, it is," Lorelai said. "He's all neat and tidy."

Rory said, "He's gone corporate."

"He's gone Korean," Lorelai said.

"That's just wrong to say," Thea said.

Lane walked up to them, "Oh, hey, hi."

"Hey yourself," Rory greeted. "Hey, how'd you get your mom to let you—"

"Come on, girls, let's get you some punch," Lane said, leading them to the other room.

"What's going on?" asked Rory.

"That is not Dave Rygalski," Lane told them.

"So, he has a twin brother?" asked Thea, confused.

"Oh, intrigue," Lorelai said.

"Who is it?" asked Rory.

"I mean, not the one that I'm in a band with," Lane explained. "That is Dave Rygalski, local Christian guitar player that my mom and I met very briefly and innocently at the dance marathon, and that I coincidentally ran across again when I found his ad seeking Christian guitar accompaniment gigs up on our church bulletin board."

Lorelai said, "Complicated."

Lane said, "I even put the fake ad up at church and pretended to find it with my mom next to me."

"That's sneaky," Thea said. "I'm proud of you."

Lane smiled at her, "Thanks."

"You're good," Rory added.

Lorelai asked, "So, are you guys dating?"

Lane explained, "We're laying the groundwork. If she gets to know him before we date and she approves of him, we won't have to hide anything."

"Right." Lorelai pointed out, "except how you met."

Rory added, "And who he really is."

"But other than that, it's completely fib-free," Lane said. She spotted her mother, "Shh, shh!"

"Watch it," Mrs. Kim warned a person. "You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces."

Thea, Rory, Lane, and Lorelai walked into the room where the food table is set up.

Lorelai was greeting Lane's relatives, while Thea went to Dave, "Hey, Dave."

Dave nodded at her.

Mrs. Kim looked at Thea, "You know him? From church? With your dyed like that?" She gave a judgemental glare at Thea's newly blue dip-dyed hair. She looked like she was going to say something but didn't.

"We pass each other on the sidewalk sometimes," Thea said as she got a plate to get some food.

"Oh, Mrs. Kim," Lorelai said, coming up to them. "Just a beautiful table, as always."

"Try the tofurkey," Mrs. Kim told them. "Turkey made from tofu."

"Oh, we definitely will," Rory said.

Lorelai hummed an agreement. Thea got some tofurkey.

"And meet the guitar player," Mrs. Kim said, motioning to Dave. "Thea knows him. Nice young man, big fan of tofurkey. David?"

"Yes," Dave said.

"This is Rory Gilmore and Mrs. Gilmore," Mrs. Kim told Dave.

"Hi, nice to meet you," Lorelai told him.

"Oh, same here," Dave replied.

Rory added, "I think I've seen you around town."

"Yeah, that might be a possibility," Dave replied. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"Same to you," Lorelai said.

"Hymn 17 please," ordered Mrs. Kim.

"Yes, ma'am," Dave said, going to play the guitar.

"Wow, he seems like a very upright young man," Lorelai said.

"Not a bad sight-reader either," Mrs. Kim added and walked away.

Rory said, "You're taking tofurkey?"

Lorelai replied, "Uh huh, and some extra napkins to slip the tofurkey into when no one is looking and then toss them away."

Rory added, "Very smart."

Lane went to her mother, "Um, Mama, just a thought, but maybe we can take a break from the hymns while we eat?"

"No break, he's paid to play," Mrs. Kim replied. "We can quit singing for now, but he should play soft in the background, okay?"

"Yeah," Dave said. "Yes, ma'am."

Throughout the dinner, Mrs. Kim watched Lorelai to make sure she ate the tofurkey. While Mrs. Kim was distracted by Lorelai, Thea tossed olives to Dave, who caught them in his mouth, so he can at least eat something.

Rory tried to help, but she nailed Dave in the eye and Rory decided to stay out of it.

While Rory and Lorelai talked about the dinner, they headed to Sookie's.

Sage and Sookie both looked miserable, but Sage perked up when he saw Thea and went over to kiss her, while Lorelai and Rory went to Sookie.

"Ah, thank you," Sookie said. "Thank god, more civilization has arrived."

Sage had Thea sit close to him on the picnic table, that she was half on his lap and half on the bench. He kept one arm around her, maybe because he was cold.

Lorelai asked, "What's wrong?"

"Jackson's side of the family is going to deep-fry a turkey," Sage said.

Sookie nodded and pointed at a vat, "That is the vat of boiling oil they're going to use."

"Where's Quasimodo when you need him?" joked Lorelai.

"This is not a joking matter," Sookie said.

"So, they're going to deep-fry a turkey?" asked Rory.

"And to pour on visigoths," added Lorelai.

Sage groaned.

"Lorelai!" snapped Sookie.

Lorelai asked, "When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material?"

"And they're going to deep-fry a turkey," Sage said.

"The turkey," Sookie repeated. "Our beautiful, expensive, organically grown turkey." She motioned between her and Sage.

Lorelai asked, "How did it come to him deep-frying a turkey?"

Sookie explained, "A couple of days ago, Jackson asked me if he could cook the turkey. I thought he was gonna roast it, stick a couple of onions around it, something simple. So I said 'yes', figuring that the minute he put it in the oven and leaves the kitchen, I can sneak in and give it a nice herb-butter rub and stuff it with a pancetta-chestnut stuffing."

"Sure, 'cause he'd never notice that," Lorelai replied.

"Exactly," Sookie said.

"Then I noticed the propane tank arriving along with the industrial burner and I counted out the fifteen gallons of peanut oil," Sage said.

"Then he springs it on us – 'I'm gonna deep-fry a turkey,'" Sookie finished.

Lorelai repeated, "Deep-fried turkey."

"Interesting," Rory said.

Sookie explained, "Sage and I tried to talk him out of it, but I'd already promised and now Jackson's excited about it."

"Hey, what's keeping Jackson?" one guy asked Sage and Sookie, "Is he on the pot or something?"

Sookie said, "Lots of precious memories in the making here."

"One that we'll never forget," Sage said. "Even though I wish I could."

The guy yelled, "Hey Jackson, get your butt out here with that gobbler!"

Sookie said, "A gobbler."

Rory said, "Maybe it won't be that bad."

Lorelai said, "Yeah, deep-frying's kind of in now."

"I don't care," Sookie said. "You don't deep-fry turkey. Uh, filet of fish, yes. A batch of fries, yes. A donut, yes. Not turkey."

The guy yelled, "Come on, let's get going!"

Another guy said, "Yeah, we're hungry!"

Jackson's family started chanting his name, "Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson—"

Jackson pushed the door open. He was wearing a protective visor, rubber gloves, and a black apron. He held up the turkey. "Did someone say...Jackson?"

His relatives cheered.

Lorelai said, "Wow, it's like Thunderdome in here."

Sookie said, "He should've just driven it out on a monster truck. He's shamelessly catering to his demographic."

"Are you ready?" asked Jackson.

His relatives cheered.

"Oh my God, I can't look," Sookie said, covering her eyes with her hands.

Jackson's relatives started counting down, "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six—"

"Oh my God, they're counting down," Sookie said.

"—five, four, three, two, one!" Jackson's relatives counted down as Jackson lowered the turkey into the vat.

"And it's now in the vat," Thea said as Sage rubbed circles on her back.

Sookie said, "It's like a death in the family."

Lorelai said, "Look at the bright side, Sookie. At least this took your mind off the dinner at the inn."

"Bad idea," Sage said.

"Oh my God, the inn," Sookie said. "What if Bob decides to do something equally awful to the turkey at the inn? I have to call him."

"Mom, everything's fine," Sage told her.

Jackson came over, "Oh, hey guys."

Lorelai said, "Hey."

"Neat, huh?" Jackson said, "And it only takes forty minutes."

Lorelai said, "Cool."

Jackson asked Sookied, "How ya doing, hon?"

Sookie said, "Oh, fine, Sweets." Lorelai handed her a beer. "And keep 'em coming."

Jackson asked, "How about you, Sage?" He looked at Thea, "Never mind. Thea's here so you're not grumpy anymore."

Sage grunted as a reply. 

Lorelai, Rory, and Thea walked in the diner .

Lorelai said, "Hey, everybody."

"Oh, hey there, dollfaces," Babette said. "Happy Thanksgiving."

Morey said, "Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving."

Rory went to hand Luke a bouquet of flowers and they had their usual banter about it while Thea watched.

"That's our table over there," Luke said, pointing. They headed for the table.

"Hey, Kirk," Lorelai greeted. She gasped when she spotted a bandage on Kirk's face, "Oh my god."

"What happened?" asked Rory.

"I'm scratched over sixty percent of my body," Kirk said.

"Aw, Cat!Kirk again?" asked Lorelai. She touched Kirk's shoulder.

"Ow," replied Kirk.

"Sorry," Lorelai said, removing her hand.

"I'm so mad at that cat," Babette said.

"Very uncool cat," Morey added.

Babette said, "I love cats, but I love Kirk, too. It's pretty much fifty-fifty, and that's a high compliment, my friend."

Lorelai asked, "How did this happen?"

Kirk explained, "Well, the tension of our standoff was unbearable, so I got on the floor and tried to play with him."

Lorelai asked, "It's a him?"

Kirk said, "I caught a peek."

Lorelai said, "Go on."

Kirk said, "I rolled this cute little ball of yarn over to him all nice and gentle. He tried to garrote me with it."

Thea wondered how that happened.

"Oh my God," Lorelai said.

"Very uncool," added Morey.

Kirk continued with his story, "Just grabbed two ends with his paws and came at me."

Rory said, "But he doesn't have opposable thumbs."

Kirk said, "He's beyond them. And he's smart. He knows things, sometimes before they happen."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," Lorelai told Kirk.

Kirk said, "You haven't heard the worst."

"There's more?" asked Thea, horrified.

"Oh geez," Rory added.

Kirk explained, "When the attacks got particularly brutal, I had no choice but to strip naked and hide under water in the bathtub. I read that cats are afraid of water."

Babette said, "They are, they are."

Kirk said, "Kirk isn't. He found me, and he seemed to derive greater power from the water. That's when the bulk of the scratching happened."

Lorelai said, "Well, then, I think it's good you're giving Kirk a little space right now. Just relax and enjoy your food."

Kirk said, "I can't taste my food."

"That's rough," Thea said.

"Well, then, just try to relax," Lorelai said.

"Thanks," Kirk said.

"And think of calling an exorcist on Cat!Kirk," Thea told Kirk. "That might help."

"Yeah, I will," Kirk said.

Lorelai, Rory, and Thea went to a table. Of course Thea sat at her own table, which was something that she and Liberty had sat at every year.

Jess came over to sit with Thea, "Hey."

"Hey," Rory said.

"Hi," Thea said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Lorelai told him.

Liberty came over with a plate of turkey club sandwiches and fries for Thea and some kind of salad for herself.

Lorelai asked Jess, "So, are you joining us?"

"Actually, I'm joining Belle and Thea at their table," Jess replied, sitting down at the table.

Luke and Caesar brought plates over to Lorelai and Rory's table.

"God, I'm starved," Jess said as Luke placed a plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of Jess.

Lorelai asked, "No turkey?"

"I'd rather not take a fork to my balls courtesy of Belle," Jess told her.

"You could've eaten," Luke told Jess.

"You kept telling me not to eat," Jess defended himself.

"I did not," Luke replied.

"You did, too," Jess said. "You said you were waiting for them."

Lorelai said, "Aw, you didn't have to wait for us."

Luke was obviously lying, "I wasn't waiting for you, it just worked out this way."

"Right," Liberty said.

"Looks great," Rory said, looking at the food.

"Tasty," added Lorelai.

Luke said, "Shouldn't we give thanks first?"

Jess, Thea, and Liberty started eating their food.

"Thanks for what?" asked Liberty. "That we're not Native Americans who had their land stolen and given smallpox infested blankets?"

"Exactly," Luke said.

"Amen," Lorelai said.

"So, where were you guys in your day?" asked Luke.

"We hit the Kims', we hit the St. James', and we go to the grandparents from here," Rory said.

Lorelai added, "Full day."

"Yeah," Luke said. "Well, you can skip eating this one if you want. Just have cokes or something, it's no big deal."

Lorelai said, "No, no way, you're the main event today, my friend."

"Oh, good," Luke replied.

"What's good are the yams," Rory said.

"Definitely." Lorelai asked, "Got some more marshmallows?"

"Yeah, I can grab some," Luke said. "Hey, refill some coffees." Luke and Jess walked away.

When evening fell, they went up to the grandparents' house.

"You ready for this?" asked Rory.

"Of course," Lorelai said.

"Even with the Cold War?" asked Rory.

Lorelai had been pissed with Richard and Emily over the Yale Interviews, despite knowing about them ahead of time and Rory agreeing with it.

"That's been going on for thirty-four years?" Lorelai replied, "I can manage."

"It's been a bit colder these past few weeks," Rory said.

"Oh no, I'm fine, you know why? Because in two hours – and I do plan on extricating us from here in exactly two hours – the night will be over and I won't have to see them again until next year. Oh, start your stopwatch," Lorelai said.

Emily opened the door, "Hello."

"Hi Grandma," Rory said. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"Thank you, Rory," Emily said. "Happy Thanksgiving, Lorelai and Thea."

"Happy Thanksgiving," Thea said as Rory handed the flowers over to Emily, who passed them onto a maid.

"Happy Thanksgiving." Lorelai whispered to Rory as they walked in the house, "One hour, fifty-nine minutes, and forty seconds."

Lorelai spotted something, "Oh, wow, it's a piano player."

"That's Brad," Emily said. "I found him at Nordstrom's."

Lorelai asked, "Was he on sale?"

"I thought a little background music would add a nice touch. He knows every song ever written," Emily explained.

"Free Bird!" Lorelai said, "Hi Brad."

Emily said, "Lorelai, please. Now come along, everyone's here." They walked into the living room. "We're all here."

Richard said, "Oh, good. Happy Thanksgiving, Rory, Thea."

Rory said," Happy Thanksgiving, Grandpa."

"Happy Thanksgiving," Thea said.

Richard greeted, "Lorelai."

"Dad," replied Lorelai.

Richard said, "These are our guests, Natalie and Douglas Swope."

Emily said, "You two have met."

Lorelai said, "Yes, at the auction."

"Good to see you again," Natalie said.

"Yes," replied Lorelai.

"Nice to meet you," Douglas said to Lorelai.

"Yes, you, too," Lorelai replied.

Rory said, "Same here." Thea nodded.

Richard motioned to two more people, "And this is our international contingent, Claude and Monique Clemenceau. They're just in from France."

"Ah, Clemenceau, huh, I'd have guessed Spain," Lorelai said.

Claude said, "Hello, how are you?." He kissed Lorelai's hand.

"Oh, ooh," Lorelai said.

Monique said, "Hello."

"Hi," Thea said.

Richard spoke to Monique, "Monique, voici ma fille et ma petites filles."

Monique replied, "Ah. Elle sont si jolies."

Maybe Thea should've learned French instead of Spanish because she had no clue what they just said.

"My Monique speaks only French, so please excuse the inconvenience," Claude said.

Lorelai said, "Oh, no, that's fine. I love French."

Claude said, "She really wants to learn English, perhaps tonight will inspire her." He spoke to his wife, "Je leur ai dit que tu voulais à prendre l'anglais."

Monique replied, "L'anglais, oui, je veux à prendre, mais je suis tellement parasseuse."

Richard said, "Ah, ça prends de temps, Monique. Ah, t'en fais pas."

Monique replied, "Merci."

Richard said, "Oh, no no no. That's why I love it when the Clemenceaus visit. It gives me the opportunity to haul out my rusty French."

Claude said, "Your French is wonderful, Richard. It always has been."

Richard said, "Aw, non, tu es tres gentil. Please, sit, sit, sit."

"Merci," Claude said. They went to sit down, "So, Rory, you speak French at all?"

Rory said, " Just a tiny little bit."

Claude asked, "Un tout petite peu?"

Rory replied, "Oui, un tout petite peu."

Claude asked Thea and Lorelai, "And you two, my dear?"

"No, sorry," Thea replied.

Lorelai said, "Even less. Uh, voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir? That's about it."

Thea gaped at Lorelai, because did she seriously ask Claude, 'do you want to sleep with me, tonight?'

Richard admonished, "Lorelai."

Emily said, "Oh my God."

Lorelai said, "It's just a joke."

"She heard that part in a song," Thea said to Claude. "I doubt that she even knows what it means. She wasn't seriously asking you to sleep with her."

Richard said, "Asking my friend to go to bed with you is a joke?"

"Like Thea said, it's a song," Rory said.

"It's just a joke, Dad," Lorelai replied.

Claude and Monique spoke to each other, before Claude said, "Oh, voici c'est un chanson du pop. It's a pop song, ah, Monique...I did not know that."

Monique said, "Lady Marmalade."

"It's very rich," Claude said. "It's very, very funny."

Thankfully he wasn't offended and laughed it off.

Lorelai said, "Oh, well, thank you."

"You need a drink, oui?" asked Claude.

Lorelai said, "Very astute, Claude." She spoke to Richard, "Martini with a twist, Dad."

Richard said, "All right."

Douglas asked, "Is this your first American Thanksgiving, Claude?"

Claude said, "It is, it is. I've seen it in the movies. People seem to eat and eat and eat until they can't eat anymore."

Lorelai replied, "That's about it."

Natalie said, "It's about giving thanks, gets you thinking about the good things."

Douglas said, "We have a lot to give thanks for in this country."

"Definitely," replied Emily.

"Me, I start each day giving thanks for three things – Cuban cigars, French champagne, and gorgeous women. And I must give extra thanks for the extraordinary group here tonight," Claude said.

Lorelai said, "Douglas, Richard, leave us, won't you?"

"What?" asked Richard, clearly not getting the joke.

Emily told him, "Just another joke."

Claude said, "Oh, I missed another joke?"

"Believe me, you're not the only one," Thea muttered.

Natalie spoke to Lorelai, "You have your mother's wit."

"Sometimes I wish she'd give it back," Emily replied.

"Emily mentioned that you were coming from another function?" asked Douglas.

"No, this is your second dinner?" asked Claude.

"Fourth, actually," Rory replied.

Natalie said, "Fourth?"

Thea nodded.

Richard said, "Oh, thank you for fitting us in, Lorelai."

"Don't worry, Dad. You're the main event," Lorelai said. She whispered something to Rory. 

Later, everyone sat at the table.

"Beautiful table, Emily," Natalie said. "You've outdone yourself yet again."

Emily replied, "Oh, it's nothing."

"Well, is everyone settled?" Richard asked, "Is everyone comfy?"

"Yes," everyone replied.

"Yes, Dad, we're fine," Lorelai said.

Richard said, "Well, then, let's get going." He sharpened a knife.

Emily rang a bell and the maids brought out the turkey.

"Gorgeous," Natalie said.

"Oh, wonderful," Douglas added.

"Is it for us or the whole neighborhood?" asked Claude.

Natalie said, "Very nice."

Richard carved a piece off of the turkey and the maids started to take the turkey away.

Lorelai said, "Oh, ho, who gets the big piece?"

"I'm sorry?" asked Richard.

"Aren't you supposed to keep carving?" asked Lorelai.

Richard said, "That was strictly ceremonial."

Thea frowned at that.

Lorelai said, "Ceremonial?"

"Ceremonial," repeated Emily.

Claude said, "Cérémonial."

"Cérémonial," repeated Monique.

Emily said, "Please, start on the salads everyone."

"Is there anything ceremonial about the salads?" Lorelai joked, "Do we carve a crouton, then have them taken away?"

Emily said, "No, no ceremony."

"Salad's great, Grandma," Rory said.

Emily said, "I'm surprised you can eat at this point, even salad."

"There's still room," Rory defended.

"And if there isn't room, we'll add on. I know a good contractor," joked Lorelai.

Claude said, "She's like your Jerry Lewis. She's very, very funny."

Natalie said, "Rory, Thea, did your grandmother say that you two were high school seniors?"

Thea nodded as Rory hummed an agreement.

Natalie continued, "So you two are going through this horrible period of applying to college."

Rory said, "It's not so horrible."

"I applied to like fifteen," Thea said

"Wow," Natalie said.

Richard said, "They both got it pretty well covered."

"That's right," replied Lorelai.

"All your applications are in?" asked Natalie.

"I've applied," Rory replied.

"Yeah, same," Thea said. "Fifteen."

Douglas said, "We have a grandson your age, he's going through hell."

Natalie said, "He's already been turned down for early admission to Stanford, his dream."

"That's rough," Thea said. She'll probably cry if she gets rejected from Yale.

Douglas said, "Took it pretty hard."

"I would too," Thea replied.

Natalia said, "Children put so much stress on themselves these days."

Rory nodded, "It's pretty stressful."

"It is," Thea said.

"He's waiting to hear from his backups," Natalie said.

Claude said, "I have a grandson who lives with his mother in Orlando, you know, he's going through a very similar thing, poor boy."

Emily asked, "How do they like Orlando, Claude?"

Claude said, "Well, it's all Mickey Mouse this and Mickey Mouse that, you know. They want to die."

Emily said, "That's too bad."

Natalie asked Rory and Thea, "Where did you two apply, dears?"

Rory said, "Harvard."

"Yale," Thea said.

Douglas asked, "No word yet?"

"I'm not supposed to hear back for awhile," Rory said.

"Yeah," Thea said.

Douglas asked, "Where else?"

"Princeton, Cornell, and some other colleges," Thea said.

Rory asked, "Where else?"

"Where else did you apply?" Douglas pointed out, "Your alternates?"

Natalie added, "We're so curious, it's like we've been going through this ourselves."

Rory seemed uncomfortable, "Well, I'm pretty much counting on Harvard."

Douglas asked, "Well, you didn't apply to just Harvard, did you?"

"Well, no," replied Rory.

"No?" asked Lorelai, confused.

Natalie asked, "Am I prying?"

Thea shook her head as Rory replied, "No."

Lorelai asked Rory, "We applied elsewhere?"

Douglas pointed out, "You can't just apply to one place. Even Thea applied to fifteen different colleges."

Natalie said, "Chilton wouldn't allow that."

"Not even Stars Hollow High allowed that," Thea said. "They told me to go with seven, but I applied for more."

Lorelai asked Rory, "Is that true?"

With a nod, Rory said, "Pretty much."

Lorelai asked, "Why didn't you tell me that?"

Rory said, "I was going to."

Natalie told her, "You have to be safe, like Thea."

Claude said, "My grandson – six schools."

Douglas added, "Same with Dustin – but with six schools."

Lorelai said, "Where else did you apply?"

"Just at some other schools," Rory said.

Douglas said, "Well, if you're aiming at Harvard, that would be Princeton, Yale, maybe Vassar, Wesleyan."

"I think I applied to Vassar and Wesleyan," Thea said.

Douglas smiled.

Claude asked, "Certainly Yale because of Richard's connections, yes? Just like Thea?"

Natalie said, "I would assume so."

Rory said, "Those are the kinds of places, yup."

"The kinds of places or the places?" Lorelai said, "Rory?"

Rory said, "Princeton...um, Yale."

"Yale?" asked Lorelai.

Richard said, "Yes?"

Lorelai said, "Yale, Dad?"

Richard, looking very happy and proud, said, "Oh, this is the first I'm hearing about it, Lorelai."

Lorelai said, "Oh, bull."

Rory said, "Mom."

Emily said, "Lorelai."

"My friend, Todd's mom, Elowen, wrote a book about being the leader of the Bombshell Bank Bandits," Thea said, while Lorelai argued with her parents.

Natalie perked up a considerable amount, "She did? I idolized her when I was a freshman in college."

Douglas seemed stunned at that information, "You idolized a bank robber?"

"Some people idolize Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer," Thea said. "At least they never killed anyone."

"Mom, wait," Rory started.

"My friends and I wanted to be like the Bombshell Bank Bandits," Natalie continued. "We were stressed out when they broadcasted the South Atlantic Shootout, because we didn't want them to die. We cheered when they got away with the money and they got away without any deaths. They robbed a bank a week for three years."

Douglas just seemed surprised by this news, "Yeah...they were impressive for that."

"And they showed that women can rob banks too," Natalie said as Lorelai and her parents continued to argue.

Claude spoke in French, "Lorelai ne veut pas que Rory aille à Yale."

Richard replied, "Je suis désolé de ce qui ce passe ici."

Lorelai said, "Stick to English, Dad."

Rory said, "Grandpa didn't force my hand."

Lorelai replied, "Honey, you weren't aware he was doing it."

Richard said, "She is not a puppet, Lorelai."

Rory said, "I needed a backup."

Lorelai said, "But why Yale?"

"I could live at home and Thea wants to go to Yale," Rory said.

Lorelai spoke to Emily, "You."

Natalie said, "So, Elowen wrote a book about her bank robbing days?"

"Yeah," Thea said. "She's just waiting for the reviews to come in."

"Wow," Natalie said. "I can't wait to tell my friends about this. They're going to lose their minds over it. I finally have something that I know that they don't."

"Well, you got to her. That was your thing," Lorelai said.

Natalie looked apologetic, "I'm afraid we started this."

Emily said, "This is not your doing, Natalie."

Richard said, "Encore une fois, je suis désolé."

Emily said, "I never spoke to Rory about that."

Lorelai said, "I don't believe you."

Rory said, "I figured it out on my own, Mom."

Lorelai said, "You're saying there have been no conversations, no emails?"

Rory added, "I can read a map."

Lorelai said, "This is unbelievable."

"And past indelicate," Richard said. "We have guests."

Lorelai said, "Yes, I'm sorry, I apologize, I'm sorry you have to see this."

Emily said, "This is paranoia, Lorelai. There's been no conspiring."

Lorelai added, "I'm not being paranoid, Mom. For seventeen years, she was going to Harvard, and now all of a sudden, she's applied to Yale and she's mimicking everything you say. This is just crazy." She left the dining room.

Claude said to his wife, "Elle a dit que, 'c'est de la folie.'"

Emily said, "Excuse me, please." She took off to the back patio, and spoke for a moment before returning. She looked at Natalie, "You idolized a bank robber?"

"This is the first time I'm hearing about it too," Douglas said.

Lorelai and Rory talked on the way back to Sookie's yard.

Jackson said, "What else are we putting in the pot? Come on, let's think of something. Uh, a raspberry, a deep-fried raspberry. How 'bout a rasquat?"

One guy said, "Cake!"

"Cake!" Jackson said, "Deep-fried cake!"

The guy that said cake called out, "Dibs on the deep-fried cake!"

"You haven't even eaten your deep-fried biscotti," Jackson told him.

Thea, Rory, and Lorelai sat down at the picnic table with Sookie. Thea looked at Sage, who was passed out at the table.

"Hey, Sookie," Lorelai greeted.

"Ah, hi there," Sookie said, clearly drunk.

"Are you—" Lorelai glanced at Sage, "And Sage okay?"

Sookie pointed at the drink she held, "This tastes good."

Lorelai said, "Yeah, it looks like they're deep-frying—"

"Everything," Sookie said.

"Huh?" asked Lorelai.

Sookie said, "Vegetables, mashed potatoes, butter, pickles, salt, a napkin."

Rory said, "And yet, you're very serene and Sage is passed out on the table."

"Uh, you're practically floating," Lorelai said.

Sookie said, "Well, you caught me at a good time, ladies. I've already gone through the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger...I don't remember these two, but they were served on the rocks with salt! Now, I'm just happily enscotched in acceptance. Enscotched—"

"Ensconced?" asked Rory.

Sookie said, "Ensconced – that's it! I do believe I heard Phil suggest throwing Junior in."

"Junior?" asked Lorelai.

Sookie said, "His nephew."

Lorelai said, "Whoa."

Sookie said, "I chimed in on that one. Just earlier, they wanted to throw Sage in the vat but Jackson chimed in, using a lot of words I never heard before." She nodded at that.

"What happened over there?" Lorelai looked at a patch of burnt grass.

"Mm, about a half-hour ago they set the lawn on fire," Sookie said.

Lorelai said, "Ah."

Sookie explained, "But Phil says it's okay and everything 'cause it'll grow back twice as lush. Though that's what he said when he broke my salad bowl that I brought back from Belgium. That'll maybe grow back, too, huh?" She laughed, "Phil is a riot. Am I crying or laughing?"

"Laughing," Lorelai said.

"Good," Sookie said.

Rory's pager went off.

Thea asked Sookie, "So, uh, did Sage fall asleep or...?"

"Oh, he thought he could outdrink me," Sookie said. "He passed out at—" She pointed at a bottle of beer, "Whatever stage of grief that one was. It's okay. He has plenty of time to practice at college to try and outdrink me next year." She lovingly patted Sage on the head.

Lorelai spoke to Rory, "Honey, we should get going?" She spoke to Sookie, "You gonna be okay?"

"I'm Sookie," Sookie said.

Lorelai replied, "Yeah, I know, but you're gonna be okay, right? You'll go to bed soon."

Sookie said, "Unless they deep-fried it."

"I'm sure they haven't," Lorealai said, "Okay, we'll see you tomorrow."

Lorelai and Rory start walking away, but Rory stopped to look at Thea, "You coming?"

"I should probably take Sage to bed, before he fuses with the picnic table," Thea said, looking at Sage.

Rory and Lorelai walked away

Jackson called out, "Deep-fried shoe!"

A guy said, "Deep-fried shoe!"

Everyone except for Thea cheered as she put one of Sage's arms around her shoulders to help heave him into his home.