"A loss is a loss - regardless of the magnitude. At the end of the day, you end up with less than what you started with.
It's something you can anticipate years in advance and still never be fully prepared for, and there's no right way to go about it. There's no right way to react when it sends chills down your spine, then proceeds to set you on fire.
There's no right way to cry when it breaks your skin, and then has the audacity to ask you why you're bleeding. -"
- Connotativewords | jl | Cigarettes and Loneliness.

**

Please be okay.

I try my best to tamp down the sudden spike of fear inside me and scramble up from the couch so fast that I almost fall back onto it when a wave of dizziness takes over. Addy quickly takes hold of my sides before I can. "Woah there." She rubs my back and tries to sit me back down slowly.

"No. I need to go to the hospital." I say and start to walk away from her.

"You are not going anywhere. He told me to come." Calum says and heads for the door, giving Montana a quick kiss on the forehead.

"You leave without me and our friendship is done," I say sternly, not ready to make jokes or argue with anyone.

"Sierra, you're not well enough to go anywhere. I'll go with him if it makes you feel better." Ashton tries to reason with me but I cross my arms across my chest stubbornly.

I look around the room at everyone's faces and feel like crying my eyes out but I swallow down the lump in my throat and look back at Calum. "He's my boyfriend. Either you take me with you or I'll take a taxi."

Calum sighs deeply and finally nods his head. "We're all going then." Addy intercepts and everyone hums an agreement. I leave them to do whatever they want and head into my room to change into a big jumper and pants.

Luke can't see me like this. If he's hurt and he sees me hurt, he will go crazy.

I take off the T-shirt and cringe at the purplish bruise on my side when I catch myself in the mirror. I ignore it and quickly change, pushing all my stringy matted hair up into a ponytail away from my face. "You need anything?" Montana pops her head in from the doorway.

"No." I sigh and give myself a once over in the mirror to make sure none of the bandages are visible.

Good.

I slip into my shoes and follow everyone out of the house, into the elevator and down to the idling car.

The entire way to the hospital, I lay my head against the cold glass of the window and count every single building I possibly can.

Luke will be fine. If he called it means he is fine. He is fine.

I take deep breaths and cringe every time my rib cage pokes at my bruised skin. Montana pats my knee comfortingly from time to time, her shoulders tense.

Dave pulls up at the front of the hospital and I all but stumble out of the car, pulling my sleeves all the way down so that my wrists are covered. I feel them burn a little under the bandages as I rush into the lobby.

I hear everyone's hurried footsteps behind me and Dave asking for Luke, but before the nurse can say anything, I spot a head of blonde hair leaning against the wall in the waiting room nearby.

"Luke!" I shout before I can stop myself and speed walk towards him as fast as I can, I would have run if I could.

He looks up when he hears my voice and I almost trip over my own two feet at the look on his face, his eyes are rimmed by the darkest circles I've ever seen on him and his face is pulled with tiredness. His soft lips are turned down in a sad frown. "Luke," I whisper, coming to a stop in front of him. I look him up and down to check if he's hurt but there is nothing visible.

"Baby." I lift my hand up to his cheek and he sighs, deflating into my arms with sadness. I pull him into a hug and he buries his head in between my shoulder and neck like the weight is just too much for him. "I'm sorry." He croaks and I run my fingers through his hair, doing my best to hold up both of our weight.

"What happened?" I ask him, ignoring the chatter of the group behind me but I'm thankful that they are giving us space. "I'm sorry I didn't show up for our date." He says so softly I barely hear him.

"Forget the date, my love. It's no problem. Are you okay, though?" I tug at his shoulder and he raises his head again to look down at the little bit of space between us.

I place my fingers under his chin and tilt his head up. "Look at me, Luke."

He drags his eyes painfully up to my face. "Ana was in an accident." He murmurs and a tear slips free from his eye, falling onto the sleeve of my jumper.

I feel dizzy again at his words but I blink rapidly, focusing on his hold on me. "I—I'm so sorry. Is she okay?"

"We don't know yet. She has been in surgery for hours."

"We should sit down." A voice interrupts and I turn to see Addy, she signals for me to sit down or I'll pass out again and I nod in agreement. I take Luke's hand in mine and walk us over to the line of chairs along the wall and seat him, sitting down next to him and keeping his hand in my lap.

Calum sits on Luke's other side and Ashton squats in front of him. "How are you feeling bud?" I hear Calum murmur.

I notice a tall guy talking to Dave and Michael and it takes my clustered mind awhile to recognise who he is. He sees me looking his way and gives me a weak smile. "I'm Jamie, Ana's fiancée."

Oh.

He extends his hand to me and I take it. "Sierra." I introduce myself. A blonde woman nearby who is on the phone perks up when I say my name, scrutinising me.

"What is that on your wrist?" Luke asks suddenly and I quickly pull away from Jamie, tugging at the sleeve of my jumper to cover it.

"It's nothing—" I start to say but Jamie turns abruptly when a woman in light blue scrubs calls him "Mr. Jackwall?"

"Yes?" He asks hurriedly and Luke stands too, walking up to the nurse.

"How is she?" Luke asks her and I silently stand behind him, everyone tensed to hear what she had to say.

"Come with me." She motions and we trail behind her quietly. She leads us through corridors, passing patient rooms with people plugged into machines and family members sat outside, some crying.

I never liked hospitals.

The nurse comes to a stop in front of a room. "Four people at a time please." She looks at our group before sliding the glass door open.

Jamie walks in first, followed by the short blonde headed woman who was talking on her phone distractedly.

Luke walks in after her and I step away to stay outside but he tugs at my hand, giving me a look.

Come with me.

I follow him into the room and the first thing I see are the wires and the machines attached to the figure on the bed. There is a harsh intake of breath as my eyes drift to her face.

Ana, bandaged and bruised throughout her entire body. She is almost unrecognisable; a side of her head is shaved off, her shiny brown curls gone, and tubes sticking out of her arms and chest with a larger one going into her mouth. There is a blanket covering half her body so we can't see anything else.

Jamie scans all the machines with his eyes and gulps and Luke squeezes my hand. "What—uh..." Jamie drifts off like he cannot fathom what he is seeing or what he could possibly say.

I feel a jab at my heart and I pray for good news but the doctor who walks in wearing dark blue scrubs does not look happy as she clutches her chart against her chest and looks us all in the eye wearily.

"Six of our best surgeons were in the operating room with Ana today and we got to all the damages in her body, we fixed all her broken ribs and the puncture in her heart. There were a lot of complications and unfortunately, mid-surgery, she coded but we were successful in resuscitating her. However,"

I feel the air around me go cold like it was building up for a hail storm. "—a clot made its way into one of her major arteries which were supplying oxygen to her brain and we couldn't get to it fast enough before she had a stroke."

I feel my throat constrict and my heart drops all the way to my feet. "Our neurosurgeon, the best in the country, tried to salvage what he could but it was too late and she was already brain dead." The doctor explains and I cover my mouth with my free hand as Jamie drops onto his knees like a collapsing mountain next to Ana's bed, his body starting to shake.

Luke stands in the same position, unmoving. "I'm so sorry..." The doctor looks at all of us, a helpless look on her face.

"She's still breathing. Her chest is moving." Luke says suddenly and I wrap my arms around his waist.

She's gone. I want to say but I don't.

"The machines are breathing for her. We have put her on the ventilator and her heart is on bypass. Her body is thriving for now but her brain is dead and in a couple of hours her organs will start to fail—" Luke puts up a hand to stop her "Please, stop. Talking." He orders slowly and I feel the dizziness take over my body again.

Luke stares at Ana for a long while and I stand by his side, afraid to say anything. I cry in silence, my heart aching at hearing Jamie's helpless cries.

"Baby, please. You can't do this to me. Come on Ana. Please come back to me." Jamie begs Ana's unconscious form, clutching onto her bruised body.

"Can she hear us?" The blonde woman asks silently and the doctor shakes her head. "Yes, but it won't register."

Luke shuts his eyes and leans against the wall next to him. "I'll give you all a few minutes." The doctor tells us and quietly steps out but Luke turns abruptly and follows her.

I look between Jamie and the woman and follow Luke after giving them a silent. "Excuse me."

"Is there no way that you can save her? Do something. You're a doctor, do whatever it takes. I'll pay anything. Save her life, please." Luke holds his hands out in front of him, begging her.

"We tried everything we can, son. There was just no way to see it coming. It's a risk we took by repairing her heart." Luke almost falls to his knees in front of the doctor but Calum clutches onto his arms, supporting him.

"Even if she did not have a stroke, she still had massive internal injuries. She would have needed many more surgeries to heal them and multiple organ transfers and her rehabilitation period would have been excruciatingly long."

Seeing the pain etched in every single visible part of Luke's body and the doctors words bring back a rush of memories.

Heath, laying on a gurney in his bedroom as I clutch onto his body, begging him to come back to me.

"Ma'am we need you to step back please."

"We tried to resuscitate him."

"Sierra, there is nothing you can do."

Gravity and pain finally tug hard at my barely held together body and I feel myself falling backwards.

"Sierra!" Someone yelps and I feel arms go around me quickly. My eyes go in and out of focus so I close them as I feel a weight on my chest and the cuts from the ropes around my wrists and ankles start to throb.

I feel the familiar warmth of Luke as he lifts me into his arms. "Why are there bandages around her wrists?" I hear his voice faintly and I hear someone murmur a reply as I drift off.

I'm fine.

---

Luke's Point of View

"Please," I beg the doctor in front of me to do something. To save Ana's life. She can't be gone, not like this, not this way, not now.

Forgive me.

I focus on the dark blue colour of the doctors scrubs so I don't pass out with the pain shooting through my entire body.

It was an actual physical pain. Like someone was ripping at my insides a bit at a time, it felt colossal and earth shattering but I stare at the blue of her scrubs so I don't fall apart.

"—transfers and her rehabilitation period would have been excruciatingly long. It should—" The doctors words are cut off when I hear Michael yelp Sierra's name. There is hurrying feet behind me and I turn to see Sierra collapsed in Michael's arms, her eyes half shut and her entire face blotchy with tears.

For the first time in hours, my thoughts stop spinning, coming into focus and I rush to her side. "Sierra?" I panic and she murmurs something when I take her from Michael, cradling her in my arms.

The sleeves of her sweater slide up her arms a little as I stand up with her cradled to my body and I see the bandages again, I quickly check her other wrist too and it's got more gauze around it. "Why are there bandages around her wrists?" I ask and everyone stays silent.

"I asked you a question." I look up at Michael from searching Sierra's face. "What happened?" I ask again as a nurse and Ana's doctor tells me to put Sierra down on a bed in the next room so they can take a look at her but I don't let them take her from me.

"Someone tell me why the fuck there are bandages around her wrists!" I roar and Calum appears at my side. "This is not the time for this." He says calmly.

"What happened to her?" I turn to Dave since no one seems to have the answer and he rubs a hand over his face tiredly.

"Luke, this conversation is for another time. Just lay her down on the bed will ya? Or give her to me?" He tries to reason, reaching out his arms to take her from me but I scoff.

"I'm not putting her down anywhere. She is the only part of me I have left. I'm not losing her too." I look down at her face tucked into my chest. She doesn't look like she is in pain and her breathing is steady so I know she is okay. I turn and walk away from everyone, cradling Sierra close to me as I leave the hospital not daring to look back.

---

I wake up, hot and sweating profusely because I'm covered in two blankets with pillows placed around my body.

The curtains are drawn but my eyes are in focus again and I see that I'm in my room. "Luke?" I call but there is no reply. I sit up in bed and check the time on the clock hanging on the wall.

2am. 

How long have I been asleep for? I look down to discover one of Luke's oversized t-shirts covering my body and I place my feet on the ground, the cold wooden floor sends some relief through my overheated body and I sit on the edge of the bed for a few moments, getting all my bearings. I stare at the bandages around my wrists and ankles, breathing deeply.

I passed out at the hospital.

Luke carried me.

There is a glass of water on the side table and I gulp it down, standing up slowly when I'm finally sure I won't topple over and start to make my way out of the room.

"Luke?" I call groggily and I hear a hum from the living room.

I step out of my room and feel like I'll pass out again when a gasp leaves my lips. The sweet fragrance overwhelms me first, surrounding me like an embrace. There is a sea of flower vases and pots filled to their brims with water and purple roses. Purple roses of so many different shades and forms and they cover every single available space of my living room. 

Some are wilted and some are still in good condition. I blink several times to make sure I'm really seeing all the different hues of purple and whites fading into dark purples and soft lilac colours.

I wonder if I'm hallucinating but then I see Luke leaning on the arm of the couch, watching me. "You're awake." He states and his voice is too raw for this to be a dream. 

"What—where are all these from?" I ask him, bending to pick up a single rose out of a vase of water near my feet.

"I bought all these for you, for our date. They were going to throw it all away because we didn't show up but I—I had them brought here a couple of hours ago. I wanted you to see them at least." He looks around the room like he's lost and I slowly make my way to him through all the flowers on my living room floor. 

"You bought all these? There's so many." I whisper, bewildered beyond belief. 

He smiles weakly at me. "I didn't forget about you or our date. Please don't hate me." He tilts his head back to look up at me when I step into the space between his legs. His hands run up the backs of my bare thighs and come to rest on my hips under his t-shirt. I try not to flinch when his fingers touch the bruised area as he lays his head on my chest.

"I'm so...tired." He whispers and slides to the ground, sitting down on the floor and leaning his back against the couch. He tugs at my hand and I sit down sideways in between his legs.

"The flowers are absolutely breathtaking. No one has ever done something like this for me." I kiss him softly on the lips and he runs a hand through my hair.

"I'd do anything for you. You know that right?" He asks silently as we sit among the hundreds of purple roses he has somehow managed to get for me.

"I know," I reassure him.

"And you know that I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone else in the entire world?" He asks me and I close the space between our lips. I feel a wave of absolute elation at having him back in my arms, regardless the circumstances of the day.

My heart soars out of my body and floats above our heads and all the flowers and then jams back into my chest just like the love I feel for Luke. There is a little pop as our lips separate and a look in his eyes that I cannot quite understand, so I give him time to find the words I know he wants to say.

He takes the purple rose in my hand and breaks off the stem, tucking the rose in my hair, just above my ear.

"There were six surgeons in there with her. They say they are the best in the country, yet not one saved her." Luke shakes his head, sniggering.

"The last thing she said was to forgive her, and she said it to me," Luke recalls.

"Forgive her for what?" I murmur, running my fingers through his hair and down to the hollow of his neck as he closes his eyes, staying quiet for a long time.

The fragrance from the roses calm my mind with every breath I take in and I almost feel like I'm being selfish.

Luke finally opens his eyes after some time and there's strength behind them for the first time in a long while. He kisses my forehead, looking straight into my eyes.

"Ana and I, we had a baby."

A/N:

and now you know. Mostly.