"Yeah, no. That is not gonna happen." Michael shakes his head at me.

"But Michael, you have to understand. I don't...I can't do it." 

"You're taking this job, you are coming on this tour with us because we need you, and you're definitely not backing out because of Luke." he scoffs like I'm a mad woman. 

"Let me at least think about it okay? Please."

"We have a crew meeting on Monday and I expect you to be there, no questions asked."

I narrow my eyes at him. "You can't be serious."

"Oh I'm dead serious Sierra." he looks back at me pointedly, getting up off the couch.

"Look, I need to go, I have some things to get done. Think about it. I hope you're okay now." he says with genuine concern.

I get up too and give him a hug. "I am, thank you, Mikey. This means so much to me."

"No worries, call me if there's anything you need." he leaves with a wave.

He would never understand why I didn't want this. I can't explain it to him or anyone. I'd never be able to keep this professional... Not with Luke. If the smallest thing today made me this upset with myself, I don't know how I would make it through a couple of months.

There were promises I had made years back, things I had said I would never do and today made me think about the fact that if I were to take this job, I might break those promises.

You can't.

---

Three years ago

This dress is too big on me. I think to myself as I stare at it in the mirror. It didn't really matter. It was just another shell covering the shell I was already. 

Dad appears at the doorway to my bedroom. "Sweetheart...we need to get going or we'll be late. The—" his sentence stops short, his voice hoarse with emotion. 

"—funeral starts in half an hour."

I nod. Because that's the only thing I can manage to do.

Dad takes my hand and we walk down the stairs and it feels like it takes forever. I see my mother and brother waiting by the front door, dressed all in black.

My mother's eyes are bloodshot and she hugs me to her chest because I couldn't reply to her question which was if I was ready to go. I hear everyone, I hear everything. But I can't think. I don't know why there are no thoughts going through my head right now. Maybe there are, are these ramblings even proper thoughts? Yeah, I think so. I felt emptied out. 

Somewhere deep inside me, I just knew that I no longer had the energy or willpower to keep existing.

Dad pulls up at the gates of the cemetery after what feels like a million years and mum gets out, opening the back door for me and taking my hand. Why was she so nice to me today? She was never this nice to me. I don't know what's wrong with everyone today.

Cool air fills my lungs as we start to walk through the trees, passing gravestones. It was peaceful here. Grass and trees cover the entire parameter. Peace for the dead after struggling through life, funny how we all ended up here eventually—trees and grass planted six feet above us so that the people who loved us could mourn and move on, while the dead rotted away underground for the rest of eternity.

I see a group of people in black surrounding a wooden coffin. Closed casket, so the pain was less.

Someone comes up to me and I know its Adelaide just by the smell of her perfume. "Baby girl, I'm so sorry." She hugs me, crying into my shoulder.

It's okay

I want to console her but I can't hug her back, my arms won't move from my sides so I nod instead. 

I see Carrie and her parents sitting in the front, crying heartbroken cries that pierce through my eardrums. Her dad staring off at nothing, almost as if he was lifeless himself. Everyone was in pain, so why couldn't I feel my own? I wanted to feel all of it.

People come up to me and say things while holding my hand. I don't hear what they say.

I just stand there, staring at the wooden casket.

Maybe this was a game of hide and seek...

Maybe I could hide, hide forever.

My dad seats me on a chair next to my baby brother who stares up at me with his big green eyes. "I love you Riri," he says softly, wiping at my cheek. When he was a baby, he couldn't say Sierra, so he made his own version of my name and it has stuck around to this day.

I don't feel the tears, but they flow on their own anyway. My brother takes my hand, wrapping his tiny fingers around it.

My neck hurts from the strain on my body, I can't seem to relax. Everyone around me settles down into chairs. Why are they all sitting? Why am I sitting? I wanted to walk forever. A man walks up to the tiny podium. A priest.

He starts speaking but all his words blur into nothing. My gaze drifts to the stand next to him that is holding a picture. I stare at it for a while but then I feel it, a snap, a pounding scream inside my head. All the emotions my mind has been holding hostage rush back to me, my treacherous thoughts consuming me whole...Oh.

I didn't say goodbye

Everything goes black.

---

Present Day

Addy comes by right after Michael leaves, storming through the front door like a pit bull and interrupting my Friends marathon. If I had thought I knew angry Adelaide, I was wrong. She was nothing short of furious now.

"How fucking dare you not answer my calls?! I was so worried about you. How could you just walk out of there and not tell me!" she throws her hands up in the air and slaps them back down on her thighs. 

I put my hands up in front of me to calm her but she slaps them away.

"I leave for ten minutes! I get back and I see your car racing away. Explain yourself, right now!" she shouts at me, anger evident on her beautiful face and that is when I can no longer hold in the tears.

"Sierra, I—oh god, I'm sorry." she runs a hand through her blonde curls and sits down next to me. The anger draining from her face as she pulls me into her side and I cry into her shoulder. She knew all the things I've been through and stuck by me for all of it, making her angry was one of the things I hated most.

"Tell me what happened," she whispers.

So I tell her.

She frowns when I'm done, deep in thought. "Well, I don't know what his problem is but I suggest you steer clear from him." She smooth's a hand over my hair.

"I know you once had a fangirl thing for this guy but he's just being a jackass now."

"I'm not taking the job." I rush the words and she stares at me for a long time after.

"Believe it or not, I knew you would say that." Addy finally says. "I know you don't want to do this after what happened today, but this is huge Sierra, for your career. These boys are the biggest thing in the music industry right now and imagine what it'll be like for you, making them look good."

"Not that they need help to look good, but you know." she nudges me, making me smile.

"Don't throw this away. You can get past this, ignore Luke, I'm sure it's just a rough time for him. He'll get over it. Just think about your career."

I nod at her. I didn't want to discuss the rising levels of anxiety I was starting to feel and I knew she was right so I don't argue. I'll just learn to always put my job first.

"And, guess what?" A slow smile spreads across her face.

"What?"

"You now have yourself two new assistants for the tour as well."

My eyes widen a bit as I take in her expression. "I have assistants? Two of them?"

"Yes! Assistants."

"Do you know who they are?" I ask excitedly.

"You're looking at one of them." she winks.

I quickly turn to her, squealing. "No way!"

"Yes, way! Wait till I tell you the other one... Or maybe not today." she teases. 

"Who is it? Tell me." 

"Montana."

"No way." My jaw drops and I clamp my hand over my mouth. "Now tell me you don't want this job."

"Is this what you guys were doing all day? Conspiring against me?" I question.

"Well, if there's anyone who knows you, It's me. So I told Ashton and Calum, they agreed."

"Oh? Well if it's the boys' idea I don't think they want you two along for my benefit." I laugh.

"Shut your face."

"I saw the look that passed between you and Ash today. Tell. Me. Everything." I shout excitedly. The sadness of the whole day forgotten for a second.

"Okay, okay, hold your horses." she mutters, blushing.

"The day of the party, uh, well, we sort of went back to my place afterwards." she mumbles, looking everywhere but at me.

"And you didn't tell me till now, why?"

"I didn't want you to think I was turning into some groupie." she defends herself. 

I laugh loudly. "Addy, you're my best friend, I know you. I would never think that of you all right? You're so cute right now you should see your face." she blushes deeper at this.

"So is he true to his name? Is he daddy?" I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Oh god, yes." she pretends to look mortified.

"I ship you guys," I say, trying to give her a serious look and she bursts out laughing at my expression.

"Thanks for the seal of approval."

---

Addy stayed the night so I wouldn't feel lonely. We watched the entire season two of Friends and she tortured me with a very detailed story of her night with Ashton.

I squint at the morning light and go through my schedule for the day in my head. We have work today and a fashion show to attend later this afternoon. It was going to be a busy day and honestly, I didn't feel like getting out of my bed.

Smelling pancakes, I stretch out my arms, arching my back while smiling to myself. Addy always woke up early to make pancakes for me when she slept over. I couldn't cook that well... At least that is what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

Someone clears their throat and I open my eyes wide, letting out a shriek and getting up so fast that I almost fall off the bed. "What the hell!" I pull the duvet up to cover myself when I finally see who it is.

Luke is sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." he tries to smile but fails.

He looked so vulnerable with the morning light shining on his face I wanted to move closer to him but then slap him at the same time. "What are you doing Luke? Who let you in?"

"Adelaide."

Of course, she did.

"What are you doing here?" I repeat myself, running a hand through my hair. Shit, I must look like a zombie.

"I—the boys wanted me to apologise to you."

"Oh, the 'boys' wanted you to apologise to me?" I scoff.

He stares at me like he was seeing right through me. Those blue eyes that used to shine like sapphires were just dull now. "Michael told me you didn't want the job. Don't quit. We'd like to have you on tour with us." he speaks in a monotonous voice. He was like a robot trained to repeat after its master.

Before I can respond he whispers, "I'm sorry." and gets up, walking out of the room as fast as he can.

I hear voices and then the front door opens and bangs closed. I sit there bewildered while Addy pads into the room with one hand on her hip and a plate full of blueberry pancakes in the other.

"Well, that was awkward."

Authors Note -

You'll be getting a few flashbacks into Sierra's past from now on so watch out for 'em!

You're all precious to me.
- Rhythmwithlove