"this is my therapy, don't fuck with my therapy."
- m.razon

**

"You're late by three minutes! Get your asses on stage!" Sammy shouts at the band as I run behind them with a hairspray. If this was any another situation, I would have laughed but seeing Sammy pissed off drained all the funny from my system.

"Good luck." I raise my hand to high five Ashton, he returns the high five and runs onto the stage. Sydney. Sydney was absolutely nuts tonight. The crowd was so alive you could feel it in your blood. I envied artists sometimes, they were able to experience that rush first hand, the buzzing that was made just for them and their music. Making so many people happy at the same time. I had wanted to be a singer so badly when I was in my teens, but then I found fashion and singing sort of just became a hobby with the band in university. 

"They look great tonight don't they?" Addy nudges me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

It was the second Sydney show of the tour and there was way too much energy around us that you couldn't help but sway from side to side with the music.

"Hmm." I hum to Addy but I figure she can't hear me so I nod with agreement. My eyes trail to the blonde hair, he's smiling at the crowd and singing his heart out to their fans. I don't think anything made him as happy as performing did now, even with a broken hand and not being able to play his guitar.

I have successfully avoided Luke for three days. What happened at the house party that day had been a reminder to me, a reminder about how I couldn't afford to open myself up to anyone. I have to carry on the way I had the last couple of years, solving my own problems and clearing my own head. I cannot depend on anyone to explain things to me, this way there won't be a repeat of what happened and I won't have to go through the tears afterwards.

Fifteen minutes into the show, Michael throws water at the crowd from his bottle and the girls on his side scream even louder. I can't help but smile wide at their happiness. My fangirl side was a little sad that she couldn't join them in the crowd too. I guess I could if I wanted too but I would be screaming back lyrics to a guy who told me he wanted nothing to do with me. I shouldn't have gone into his room. Sigh.

I'm twenty years old but I'm still such a naive child sometimes. I like to think that I make adult decisions for myself and that half the time I know what I'm doing, but I don't. Unfortunately, I had to grow up fast and apparently, I've missed out on those life lessons.

"Should we go pack up?" Addy asks me. I nod at her and follow behind. I have been avoiding her and Montana in the past few days too, walking around the city alone or locking myself in my room. I had been so excited to come here to Australia and explore but now I just didn't have the energy to figure out where to start looking first.

Maybe another day, another time.

Ross had dropped by my room this morning, asking me if I wanted to come along with them on a miniature safari tour but I had refused him and gone back to bed, only to be interrupted by a call from my therapist. She had the usual routine questions for me.

"How are you feeling?"

"Are you taking your medication?"

"Is the travelling stressing you out?"

"Any hallucinations? Any bad dreams?"

"Anything else you want to talk about?"

My answer had been a simple "no" and "yes" when appropriate like I would really tell her I actually felt like I was losing my mind. 

I felt bad for shrinks sometimes, you talk shit at them and they listen to you. I hated all my previous ones but my current one gave remotely good advice when I needed it. She was quite old and reserved and my father had insisted on paying for it. Not that I needed financial help but I guess it helped him sleep easier at night. 

"Ashton has actually booked this entire week that we have off before Perth to do random exploring stuff." Addy giggles, rolling her eyes like she can't imagine what a great boyfriend he is.

"Exciting." They would be in couples and I would just be third wheeling their time together.

"You don't sound excited." She frowns.

"I am! I am. I really am." I repeat, trying to convince myself more than her. Thankfully she nods and leaves it alone.

---

Luke's Point of View

Just walk up to the damn door Hemmings.

Fuck.

I take two steps towards the door with my bandaged hand raised to knock but stop myself half way.

Should I be doing this?

No you fucking shouldn't be, idiot. You will regret this. 

I knock on the door. I never did well with people telling me what to do, I didn't take orders from anyone. Not even my own damn conscience.

I impatiently wait for Sierra to open the door and I hear shuffling from inside but the door doesn't open. What the hell is she doing? I needed to do this before I chickened out in the next three seconds and we are stuck with this hate for each other forever.

"Come on," I whisper and knock again.

"One minute!" she calls from inside and I feel like my heart just dropped all the way down to my feet.

She had ignored me since that day at the house party. It is expected, seeing as that is exactly what I had told her to do. She had stormed out of there and I was too fucked in the head to go after her. Pride always ruined my life.

I had watched her standing on the side of the road, probably waiting for a über to come pick her up. She looked so defeated, the amount of stress I had caused her pressing down on her shoulders like a shit tonne of bricks and she was dragging her feet to keep going. She had looked back at the house and for a second I think she looked right at me before I disappeared behind the curtains, I couldn't stand to look at her, to see the pain I had caused with just my words.

My forehead is against the door and I almost fall in when it swings open to reveal Sierra who is standing there in pyjama bottoms and a Disney Peter Pan t-shirt with her hair wrapped in a towel turban.

I almost laugh at her choice of clothing but my eyes move up to her face and any impending jokes vanish into thin air when I see her scowl.

---

I quickly pull on my clothes when I hear someone knock on the door and rush to open it almost tripping over my suitcase on the floor, I was such a clumsy mess. I put on the Peter Pan t-shirt I had gotten from probably one of my favourite places ever, Disney Land. Whoever it is, impatiently knocks on the door again.

"One minute!"

I swing open the door and Luke's tall figure almost falls into the room. I had just gotten out of a shower that I had spent too long under. The hot water had eased the tension in my muscles but now it's right back, seeing him standing in front of my door.

"What do you want?" I snap at him almost immediately after my initial shock fades a little.

His eyes had gone over my clothes and I could see the tiny spark of amusement in his eyes when he saw my t-shirt. I'll kill him right here if he says anything about it.

"I—" he runs a hand through his hair, his usual quiff flattened and messy now.

"I came to tell you, uh—I came to apologise for all the stuff I said..." He looks so frustrated that I want to laugh in his face but I'm too confused to even shut the door and leave him outside.

"Did one of the boys put you up to it?" I ask sarcastically. He had told me he was only putting up with me so he doesn't get lectured by them.

"No. Look, can I come inside for a minute?" 

"No," I say and go to bang the door closed in his stupid face. I was just about to order room service and have a relaxed night catching up with my TV shows. But no, life had to do something about it. 

He puts out his good hand and blocks the door before I can close it in his face.

"Please?" He begs. I shake my head at him and walk into my room, leaving the door open so he can do whatever he wanted. I'm obviously losing my mind again.

"I really am sorry for all the things I said." He apologises and I sit down on the floor by my bed without saying a word. I don't know why I liked sitting on the floor, I always have.

Stop trying to think of stupid things. He won't go away.

I stare at my laptop screen, not looking up at him. I have no idea why he is apologising to me right now and I didn't care to know either.

"Can you stop ignoring me?" He asks, his voice clipped.

"You don't get to ask me questions. I don't answer to you." I repeat his words from the other day, still refusing to make eye contact.

I see a smile spread across his lips from the corner of my eye. "If we look at this technically, you work for me."

"I'm sorry, Sir, did you want something? Excuse my behaviour, I was told four days ago to get out of your face so I simply thought that you didn't want to communicate anymore."

"What... No that's what I'm trying to say to you. I'm sorry I said those things."

"I don't really care. You made it all pretty clear and unless you want something work related done, please don't come to me." I smile at him, hoping that it tortured him the way he tortured me. The words give me a sense of déjà vu. I had said the same thing to him at the stadium in Japan. How screwed up.

"Why are you doing this?" His voice cracks. I'm not buying his bullshit today. This was probably another one of his many acts. He says things to pull my defences down and then throws rotten eggs at me.

"Doing what, Sir?"

"Stop fucking calling me that!" He yells stepping closer to me and I get up on my feet.

"You just told me that I work for you. Isn't that what I should call you then?" I bat my eyelashes at him.

He takes a deep breath, ignoring my comment." I just came in here to apologise to you. I didn't mean any of the things I said. Addy told me you didn't want to go exploring with them even though you wanted to see around badly so I thought I'd be your tour guide to make up for the shitty things I've said and done." He finishes and exhales.

"Excuse me?" I shake my head at him, bewildered at his proposal. He wants to take me exploring? Was this guy actually insane?

"I know you heard every word. Please don't make me repeat that again, please." He begs, his face red.

"Why exactly would I go anywhere with you? I can't stand you and you can't stand me." I scoff.

"I can stand you. I know you had questions, I'll answer them all too. Just come with me. Please, I'm sorry." I can't look away from his blue eyes and the sincerity in them. It's almost like he needed me to forgive him. I can't think straight, my thoughts are swimming away in his eyes that look so much like the sea...

"I don't understand you." I blurt out. He wanted nothing to do with me and he practically kicked me out of his house the other day, now he wants me to forgive him?

Forgiving...

"Learn to let your worries flow over and around Sierra. Don't let them build and clog up your judgment and free will. Forgiveness will help you do that."

"I don't know why you're doing this." I sigh, removing the towel turban and pulling my hair down around me. I already had a fresh headache pounding at my skull.

"I'm just offering you peace... Between us." He waves his hand in the space between us and sits down on my bed like he couldn't hold himself up anymore.

"You do remember the things you said to me in your room right? Or are you drunk right now?" I ask sarcastically, sitting down on the bed far away from him.

"Look at me. Do I look drunk to you?"

I look at him, he didn't look the slightest bit drunk, just tired and drained like coming here to apologise to me seemed to have taken everything he had in him. 

"You have been nothing but cruel to me when I have tried time and time again to fix whatever this problem between us is, but you haven't let me do that. You can't just walk in here and demand I forgive you and ask me to go places with you." I frown.

"I'm just always really angry. I don't know half the things that come out of my mouth. I'm so sorry." He confesses but I see that he instantly regrets telling me that.

"Why are you always angry? You don't have to be." I say softly. I shouldn't be asking him questions. 

He scoots closer to where I'm sitting on the bed. "Let's just not talk about this, please? I don't want this to turn into another fight and I don't want to say some shitty thing to you and have to apologise again. Can you please just say yes to me showing you around here?"

Forgiveness.

He looked so sad right at this moment and I didn't have it in me to say no. No matter what crap he says to me I can't be bitter to him for long. I can't be bitter to anyone. I'm not that kind of person and it will get me killed one day. But for now, I put the boy in front of me out of his misery, compressing my own.

"Fine. You can show me around." His face instantly brightens a little, and he reaches for me but then pulls back like he was stung.

"I'm sorry. I—um, I'll come by your room around noon. Be ready." He rushes and gets up off the bed, moving towards the door.

"Okay," I mutter under my breath. I had no idea where we were going to go or how I should dress. I couldn't believe I agreed to this in the first place.

"Thank you for accepting my apology. See you tomorrow." He smiles at me and walks out the door like he couldn't stand to be in here any longer.

Forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness.

---

One Year Ago

"Sierra, my dear. If you don't cooperate with me I am afraid we will not get anywhere today." Dr. Sandra states, snapping me out of my daze. I always block her annoying voice out and go into my own world.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

She stares at me over the top of her glasses. "I was asking you what you mean by this line in your journal."

I will never forgive him for leaving me behind. Never. He left me behind, remnants of us still floating in the sky.

I internally cringe when she reads my own words back to me. It felt like the biggest invasion of privacy. I don't know why I agreed to write in this stupid journal for her but once I started, I couldn't stop.

"Isn't it obvious what I mean? Do you not understand English?" I snap at her. I'm not a rude person but this woman was on my last nerve today.

"I can understand very well, Sierra, but I just wanted to clarify how you, felt about it." She gives me one of her thin lipped smiles.

"Does it matter? Does it matter how I feel about the stupid line or if I forgive him or not? Nothing is going to bloody change!" I yell at her.

She doesn't so much as flinch at my words. "I'm very sorry that you feel that way about things. But learn to let your worries flow over and around Sierra. Don't let them build and clog up your judgment and free will. Forgiveness will help you do that too. "

"I don't want to." I cross my arms in front of my chest like a stubborn child.

"My dear, I know this is all very hard for you. Forgiveness is not something that comes easily to some people. Just know that it is what's keeping you from taking back the control you have momentarily lost over your life. Let him go, my dear, forgive."