I've been asking the wind to whisper in your ear.
Have you been getting my messages to come home?
I miss you so much. Home hasn't been home without you.
- m.razon

***

Today is yet another first show. And this time, in the Philippines. I could tell that the band was thrilled. It was quite amazing to see such an enormous fan base halfway across the world.

I'm sitting on a plastic chair by the side of the stage with Montana and Addy, quietly watching the boys at sound check. There were about fifty fans gathered at the front of the stage, squealing and murmuring excitedly. 

Michael and Calum thought it would be funny to forget their pants to sound check so they were currently running around the stage in cartoon boxers that one of the fans had gotten them.

Ashton is seated behind the drums, shirtless, joking with the fans. Luke is seated at the front of the stage, his bare feet dangling over it and a guitar in his hands, coming up with weird lyrics and yodelling when he felt like it. We haven't talked much after that day at the amusement park but I feel like we're on much better terms now.

They really did put on a show for their fans, though. No one would guess that just an hour ago they turned the dressing room upside down, screaming at each because they couldn't agree over which song lyric sounded better. Mackenzie has stepped in and saved the day. Someone had to give her an award for dealing with their ugly mood swings.

"Do you guys want to do a Q&A?" Sammy asks the crowd, seated next to Luke on the stage with a microphone.

"Yes!" The fans shout excitedly.

"Okay, we will start over here. You, there, wearing that neon pink shirt." Sammy points at a girl. One of the sound crew hands her a microphone.

"Oh my god I love you guys so much!" she squeals almost immediately, making everyone laugh. The band choruses "We love you too" back at her and she grins wider.

"My question is for Calum." She says.

"Shoot." Calum puts his bass down and squints at her.

"Will you go to prom with me?" She asks and the crowd hoots.

"Ohhhh" Ashton says into his microphone. I look over at Montana and she shrugs, laughing at the awkward situation.

"Honestly? I'd love to sweetheart but I don't think my girlfriend over there would approve." He points over at Montana. The crowd starts to shout again, this time in awe. 

"Take him!" Montana shouts from next to me, loud enough for everyone to hear and the fans laugh.

"How easily you dismiss our love, Jade." Calum pouts.

"Oh shut your mouth, Thomas!" Monti laughs.

"Next question," Ashton says, pointing at a girl in the front of the crowd.

"What's your question, love?" The girl visibly shakes at the attention but her voice is steady as she speaks into the microphone.

"When are we getting to hear the new song that you guys recorded with All Time Low?" She asks and the crowd agrees loudly.

"It will be out in December," Ashton says.

"Or January," Luke adds and the fans protest loudly.

"I know, I know that sucks guys but there is stuff that needs to happen before we can release it. Patience young ones." Ashton huffs.

"Patience. Pft, sure doesn't have that in bed." Addy mutters from next to me, making me laugh uncontrollably.

"How's the bed life going?" I ask her, grinning.

"Great. More than great. Fans don't approve of me, though." She says, her tone a little sad.

"They don't know much about you, Addy. Their first instinct is to hate a new girlfriend. It's a normal thing. Let it slip, don't let it get to you." I wrap my arm around her shoulder.

"I guess so." She smiles at me with a nod.

"Hey man, what's your question?" I hear Michael ask so I turn my attention back to them.

There is a tall boy in the front of the crowd, probably the same age as me. I knew the male fan base of the band grew immensely over the years but it still felt quite odd.

"Uhm, it's not exactly a question, I just have to give you something."

---

Luke's Point Of View

"I'm supposed to be here with my sister today." The boy Michael just pointed at tells us.

"Where is she?" Michael asks.

"She's—she passed away a month ago." He says, voice cracking

Oh god.

"You guys were everything to her. We bought tickets for this show a day before she passed away." His words make my heart falter. There have been incidents like this over the years but it will always be painful to hear. An angel we never got to see.

I wish I could save them all.

"She made me promise that I would go. So here I am. She wanted me to give this to Luke." He says, pulling an envelope out of his bag, the entire crowd was silent. Watching him.

I jump down off the stage and walk up to him.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Ashton says sadly into the microphone as I walk up to him. When I'm only a feet away from him I see that his eyes are bloodshot. He must be in so much pain. I could see the heartbreak in his eyes.

"I am so very sorry. I wish we got to meet her. How old was she?" I hug him, because that's all I can do.

"She was eighteen." He sobs into my shoulder.

Fuck.

I take the letter from his hand. "I will read this as soon as I am alone, I promise you," I smile at him and he nods, wiping at his eyes.

---

Luke gives him a hug and takes an envelope from his hand. It must be a letter from his sister. The look on his face broke my heart to a million pieces as he got back up on stage.

A year back when a fan had passed away from a car accident, Luke had visited her grave. Paparazzi got pictures of him sitting at her grave and crying, telling her how much he loved her. Their bond with the fans was so strong and unbreakable it was beautiful.

"Girls, we need you backstage. The shipping with the new costumes just came in. It needs sorting." Sammy says, coming up to us.

"Okay, we will be right there."

---

Luke's Point Of View

"This last song, Beside You is one of our old songs. And it's dedicated to a special young lady, Celiné. I hope you're watching from wherever you are, darling. I got the letter you gave your brother. You were such a beautiful person I wish I was lucky enough to meet you. Thank you for giving me hope tonight. For reminding me of what's important. I will try to be better for you." I say as the song starts.

The crowd sings along with us. It never gets old, the magical feeling of thousands of people singing your own lyrics back to you. I just wish none of them were taken away from us.

She sleeps alone.
My heart wants to come home.
I wish I was, I wish I was beside you.
She lies awake.
I'm trying to find the words to say.
I wish I was, I wish I was beside you.

Another day and I'm somewhere new.
I made a promise that I'll come home soon.
Bring me back, bring me back to you.

When we both wake up underneath the same sky
Time stops, I wish that I could rewind.
So close but so far away.

Yet another show ends and we get off the stage. This was so mundane to me. This was what we did every day but I was happy with it. This was my life, I accepted it. Reading the letter I got this morning made me realise that the worst things in life don't define us. That I don't want to hide behind this mask that I have put on to shield myself. There were people I needed to be better for. But I was stuck with the mask, it was clinging onto me and I didn't know how to save myself.

We're not letting you go.

**

Dear Luke,

I just found out that you guys are coming here on your new tour! My father promised to get me front row tickets. I hope I get to see you. The doctors told me that I won't make it for long today. I have a brain tumour growing inside my head and it's only getting worse. My brother told me not to worry, that they're just saying that. But doctors don't just say those things, do they? And I can feel it Luke, my life slipping through my fingers. But it's okay because that's the only negative thing in my life. I'm happy, I have lots of things to be happy about like my family, friends, my fandom, your band, you.
I don't know if this letter will ever reach you. My brother promised me he would give it to you somehow, someday. I will go in peace knowing that one day you will know how much I loved you.
You're family to me Luke, not just an idol. My world revolves around you, literally. Haha. I wake up every morning after going through lots of chemotherapy and my entire body aches but I smile because I think of you. You're the first thing I think of when I see the sunlight. I love you so much it hurts me, but in a good way. I would never be able to show you or write it down for you. So maybe in another life, I would be closer to you than I am now so I could tell you every day.
I see that you have been sad these days and it breaks my heart. Your smile isn't as bright as it used to be, your blue eyes that I love so much don't shine anymore. I know life kicked you down really hard baby but I want you to get back up and be happy again. I know it's easier said than done. But happiness is all that anyone ever wants in life, it's the one thing that matters and you are exactly that to me, happiness.
So be happy, be happy enough for both of us. For the years of happiness that I'm losing, I hope all of it is transferred to you. And I hope one day you find someone that is worthy enough to love you and I hope she loves you as much as I do because I know for a fact that no one can love you more than I do. I wish I got to stay so I could witness that day, see that shine in your eyes again but my time is running out.

I will carry you with me, Luke, wherever I go next. Please tell the boys that I love them too. You guys have helped me through unspeakable things in my life. I have always turned to you and I assure you that there are thousands more like me. You boys represent hope for a lot of us. So please, always be happy. You have such a long way to go and I am so proud of you. I will never not be proud of you.

As you read this, I might be haunting you, you never know. Just kidding. It's okay if I don't get to see you live either because then it would be harder for me to let you go.

I will love you till my very last breath Luke and my last wish is for you to be happy because you have done so many things for me that I will never be able to thank you enough for.

Love you forever,
Celiné