TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SELF-HARM AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

Five days had passed since Lucy Weasley’s attempt to take her own life. The doctors, after much deliberation and discussion with her parents, had deemed it acceptable for her to return home, provided she wasn’t left alone. This development meant that I, who had been kept out of her hospital room because I lacked a legal familial connection, would be able to talk to her as Rose wanted me to.

We’d already talked to Lucy’s parents, explaining that I’d had experience in the things their daughter was struggling with and thought she might be more willing to talk to me because of it. She still had not uttered a word, either to her family or the psychiatrists, other than simple requests for food and other such things. The moment they breached the subject of her personal state, she clammed up and wouldn’t respond. 

Rose said that it seemed much worse than the last time. After the first attempt, she had been all tearful remorse and explanations. Rose thought that the other time had been a cry for help. This one, though, she believed to have been serious. That was what worried her, and Lucy’s family, and me. If Lucy really wanted to die, the path leading back to her stability would be much longer and harder than the one they had walked before. 

Still, I was determined to do what I could. Which is why I stood outside Lucy’s bedroom shifting uneasily on my feet, waiting for her mother to come out. She’d taken the first shift home from the hospital, in order to help Lucy settle in and all. In a minute or two I’d go in to replace her. I chewed on my lip, anxious for the conversation to come.

“You musn’t worry yourself.” Rose’s voice was gentle at my side, and the tension in my shoulders eased as she wrapped her arms around my neck, laying her head against my chest.

I sighed shakily. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to help her, Rosie. And if I can’t- I’ve failed you.”

Rose cupped her hand softly around my cheek. “You could never fail me… I have far too much faith in you for that.”

The door of Lucy’s bedroom creaked as it swung open, making me jump. Audrey Weasley, who had far too many worry lines for a woman of her age, managed a slight smile. “She’s not been very responsive this morning,” she told us softly. “I hope you can get through to her.”

I swallowed. “I hope so, too.”

Rose kissed my cheek. “I believe in you,” she whispered. Then, “Shall I come down and make some tea, Aunt Audrey?”

The woman smiled gratefully. “That sounds wonderful, Rose. Thank you.”

After giving my hand a last reassuring squeeze, Rose headed down the stairs with her aunt. And then, taking a deep breath, I entered Lucy’s room.

Lucy Weasley looked very small and frail, sitting on the side of her bed and staring out the window. Her eyes flickered to me only momentarily, then returned to the glass. 

"Hey," I said quietly. No response. Hesitantly, I stepped around the corner of the bed and sat down beside her. There was a large tree outside her window, bare branches reaching out in all directions. 

Humans, when you stop to think about it, can be a bit like trees. For months we thrive, until suddenly an autumn arrives and we begin to lose our hope. A period of winter will batter us harshly, and at times we seem unsure of if we can go on as we have. In the darkest of winters, as I well knew, spring can seem impossibly out of reach. But if we are willing to search for it, we will see the sun peeking through the clouds, ready to return us to life. I believed that with all of my heart, and I only hoped I might be able to help Lucy see the light.

I had thought long and hard about where I should start in talking to Lucy, and had known there was only one conceivable place to begin. “Has Rose ever mentioned my mother to you?” I asked.

The red-haired girl shook her head slightly, remaining silent.

“I didn’t think so,” I sighed, “seeing as she didn’t know her. My mum died a long time ago… I was thirteen when it happened.”

Lucy frowned. “I’m sorry,” she said in a voice that was barely a whisper.

Good, she’d spoken. It was a start. “It doesn’t pain me awfully anymore. At the time, though, I was crushed. Broken-hearted. I had watched her suffer for a long time, and I felt like there was no one to blame but myself.

“I really just fell apart after she died. I was only thirteen… still a child, really. I wasn’t ready to lose such an influential person in my life. So I sort of went insane. I did all sorts of things that I shouldn’t have been doing, and I pushed away all of the people who cared about me. 

“For the longest time, I didn’t let myself think about any of it. I was numb. I just ignored everything. And then it all came crashing down. I was almost fifteen years old, drowning in depression, and entirely alone. I had forced everyone out of my life, but I didn’t acknowledge it so I was convinced no one cared. I just wanted to escape. Drinking didn’t help anymore; girls were useless distractions. So I-” I swallowed the lump in my throat. It had been a long time since I’d really talked to anyone about this. “I started cutting.”

Lucy’s hand seemed to lift almost subconciously, going to touch the inside of her opposite arm. I thought, though I wasn’t certain, that tears had sprung to her eyes. I waited for her to say something, but she didn’t, so I went on.

“It went on for awhile like that,” I told her. “I think I would have tried to end it all eventually… but I was saved. Almost by luck, Albus walked in on me one day before I could hide the knife. He sat me down and wouldn’t let me go until I’d told him everything, and even then he didn’t let me out of his sight until I’d surrendered every sharp object in my possession and promised that I wouldn’t do anything stupid.

“Once Al knew, and I could talk to him, it seemed a lot easier to get through the days. Just talking helped so much, and before too long I even felt capable of happiness. It was still a long time before I was really well, but I got there eventually. And I want that for you, Lucy. I want you to find joy in life. But are you willing to try?”

Lucy swallowed, then spoke in a quiet voice that quavered just slightly. “I don’t know how, Scorpius. I keep trying to see the good; I keep trying to be happy… but I can’t. I only see darkness and pain and an easy way out.”

“I know,” I sigh. “I felt the same way for a long time. And maybe you can’t see the positive right now, but you’re not alone, don’t you see? There are so many people who love you, and it hurts them to see you like this. You don’t have to figure it out alone… but you have to decide to let them help you.” 

The redheaded girl sniffled, wiping tears from her eyes. “They don’t get it. They’re well-meaning and I know they love me, but they don’t understand.”

“I thought that too. It’s very easy to believe, isn’t it? But they do. Maybe they haven’t experienced depression in the same ways that you have, but they probably have in some way. Most people do, at some point in their lives. And even if you don’t want to talk to them, you’ve got me, haven’t you? I’ll come see you every day, if you like.”

A half-smile flitted across Lucy’s lips. “You needn’t come every day. You do have a life, after all. And I should hope that Rose will be walking in with an engagement ring on her finger before too long.”

I bit my lip. She was teasing; that was good. But… “I don’t know about that one, Lucy. We’ll see.”

She looked intently at me, brow furrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about this right now. “You would like me to come, though? As much as you like. We can stay here and talk, or go out and do things. Whatever you want. Alright?"

"Just the two of us?"

"Sure, if you'd prefer it that way. But hey, don't shut out your parents, 'kay? They're doing their best."

Lucy nodded slowly. "I know…" Then, in a soft voice, "Thanks, Scorpius,"

I smiled. "No problem, kid. Any time." I reached over and ruffled her hair gently. "I'm gonna go now, okay? Rose and I have plans tonight." Lucy smirked at me, and I groaned. "It's not like that."

"Why not?"

Rolling my eyes, I stood up from the bed. "You're quite persistent, aren’t you?”

“Horridly.”

“Well, buzz off,” I said amusedly. “It’s none of your business if I intend to ravish your beautiful cousin this evening.” Shooting her a last mischeivous wink, I waved and left the room. 

Alone in the hallway, I sighed deeply. My relationship with Rose wasn’t something I wanted to think about right now. These last few days, I had felt something changing. If there was one thing that had remained certain in my life throughout my struggles, it was my love for Rose Granger-Weasley, but now, suddenly… for no explicable reason, I was unsure. And that uncertainty scared me perhaps more than anything ever had.