"No matter what I give, it's not enough"

TW: discussion of self-harm & suicide

I didn't know what to do with myself.

I walked the entire length of the dungeons, then did it over again. I didn't know whether I was angry or heartbroken or insane. I just knew I couldn't look at anyone; couldn't talk to anyone; couldn't even be near anyone. One second I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs; the next I wanted to curl up in a ball and sob.

I need you to stay away from me.

Had I really said that to her? What was I thinking?

I was thinking that I loved her, and that love was going to destroy me. It wasn't fair for her to say all those things, to give me all that stupid, stupid hope... and then to walk away like it meant nothing. It wasn't fucking fair, and she knew it. What was wrong with her?

What was wrong with me?

That was what it always came back to, wasn't it? Me, and my past, and my reputation, and the fact that I would never be enough.

Sighing, I turned back in the direction of the Slytherin common room. I found my dormitory empty, but I didn't stay. I dug through my trunk until my eyes landed on the small, rectangular box I was looking for, stuck it in my pocket next to my wand, and left the room. There were a few people in the the common room, but they took no notice of me, even when I ducked through an often-ignored door that stood nearly opposite the entrance.

Behind the door was what most people probably saw as a closet and nothing more. There were shelves on both walls, scattered with cleaning supplies and other random useful things. Against the left wall beyond the shelf, a ladder leaned, looking apparently useless. This was necessary in case a professor decided to do a random dormitory search -- which, I might add, had only ever happened to the Slytherins. Anyways, if you looked more closely, you could see that there was a trapdoor in the ceiling, and in a few seconds you could be climbing the ladder right up to it... Which was exactly what I did.

The trapdoor looked dusty, but it was only a concealment charm -- no grime showered down on me when I lifted it and hoisted myself through. Crouching on the floor of the space I'd entered, I pulled out my wand and whispered "Lumos," illuminating the low-ceilinged passage in front of me. I crept down it cautiously, on the lookout for the rats that were known to hide out up here. It went on for twenty or thirty metres, then dead-ended into a wall with another ladder, this one built into the wall itself. No trapdoor above; this one passed through an open space in the roof of the passage and went on up quite a ways. I scaled it quickly, slipping through into the vertical passage of sorts that extended for three or four stories. I wasn't afraid of heights -- and anyways, there were all sorts of spells set on this ladder by the prefects to ensure nobody fell to their deaths. So I scaled it quickly, and ducked through the hole at the top of the ladder into the room that was the true secret of this place.

It wasn't a huge room, nor was it particularly pretty. The walls and floor were all the same bland, grey stone. It had some blankets piled in the corner (along with a few bottles of firewhiskey), and there were some lamps embedded in the walls, but I left them alone. The light of the late afternoon sun was spilling through the opening that made up one wall of the room. It wasn't totally open -- there was a railing, put up after a few close calls -- so the room felt less like one of those terrifying prison cells from Game of Thrones and more like a three-quarters enclosed balcony.

Walking over to the railing, I dug the box from my trunk out of my pocket and flipped it open, pulling out a cigarette. I lit it with my wand and took a long, slow drag, then let out a deep sigh as I released the smoke from my mouth. I knew smoking was a nasty habit, and I didn't do it often -- this pack had been sitting untouched in my trunk for almost a year. But I needed something to do with myself right now, something that would let me be alone, because I wasn't sure I could trust myself around people. So here I was.

I leaned against the railing, watching the way the sunlight glittered as it refracted over the surface of the lake. There were some kids out there in a rowboat; probably third or fourth years who thought they were being edgy by going out on the lake without permission. I wondered who they were; if I would know them or if they would know me. It occurred to me that if they did know me, it would be as I was generally known -- the Slytherin playboy who wasn't to be trusted.

Salazar, it was quite the hole I'd dug myself into, wasn't it? I wondered if there would ever be any way out.

The thought crossed my mind that a couple of years ago, this balcony could have been a way out. A quick and easy good-bye, life, and fuck you. I remembered I'd even figured out how to disable the safety charms, in case I decided to go through with it. I was fifteen.

That was before Albus found out I was cutting. After, I avoided coming up here, because it started to feel like something I had to confess. Every night for those first two or three months, he would sit down across from me and say, tell me everything you felt today. That meant, tell him every thought I'd had, even the ones I didn't want to say out loud -- especially the ones I didn't want to say out loud. It meant, share your pain, and I promise to show you all the love you don't think you deserve.

It wasn't easy at first, because I'd become an expert at hiding my pain -- I think if there's one think people excel at, it's pretending to be okay -- and it felt scary as hell to be honest about all the crazy stuff going down in my head. But day by day, it got easier, and after a while, it became the highlight of my day. When had we lost that? When had I lost Al?

Every important relationship in my life was going to shit, and there was nothing I could do about it. I'd tried with Al, hadn't I? Or at least -- I'd tried to try. But there was something off between us that neither of us knew how to correct. Sometimes it seemed like we'd both lost trust in each other... or maybe just the habit of giving it. We needed to do better. I needed to do better. But was I even capable of it?

I was starting to think the fates had decided stable relationships were too good for me.

---

I don't know how long I was up there. The sun sank lower by the minute, as did my spirits -- and the number of cigarettes left in the pack.

"Brooding all alone up here?"

I whirled around, startled by the voice, and dropped my cigarette in the process. "Shit," I muttered, rolling my eyes at the girl in front of me as I put it out with my foot. "The hell are you sneaking around for?"

Prissy Nott smirked, and walked over to lean on the railing."I'm not sneaking, you were spaced out."

I sighed and pulled out a new cigarette, lighting it before joining her there. "Did someone tell you I was up here?"

"No, I saw you go into the closet. You've been up here for hours, you know. It's past suppertime."

I nodded, absentmindedly blowing the smoke out of my mouth. "I know."

I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn't look at her. She was waiting for me to share, probably -- she wanted to know why I was up here alone. But I didn't really want to tell her, so I didn't say anything. And after a moment, she said, "Feel like sharing that cigarette?"

I held it out to her mutely, and turned to watch her as she took a drag. "So, what do you want?"

Prissy raised her eyebrows. "Why do I have to want something? We haven't seen much of each other lately... All I want is to catch up."

I let out a low hum. "And by catch up, I suppose you mean hook up."

She laughed softly. "I didn't think that part needed to be said out loud."

I leaned my head back to rest it against the wall, letting out a deep sigh, but didn't respond.

"Oh, come on, what's the matter? You've never objected to a bit of fun."

That was true enough. But I hadn't touched another girl since what happened with Rose the first time, and the thought of it was... unsettling, to say the least. It felt like it would be a betrayal.

I let my eyes fall closed, pondering the question. Maybe... maybe I should do this. Rose had made it clear, after all, that there was nothing more for us. I would have to get over it, sooner or later. Might as well not waste any time.

I felt Prissy's hand on my face, pulling my head down, then her lips on mine. She tasted like smoke and something fruity. It was a slow kiss, probably meant to be seductive, but it just felt empty. I kissed her back, but my heart wasn't in it, and after a moment I pulled away, shaking my head. "Prissy, I-"

She stood on her tip-toes and leaned against me, trailing kisses along my jaw. "Hush," she murmured. I felt her hand lifting up my shirt, and was about to push her away when someone cleared their throat from the entrance.

My head flew to the side, and I found myself looking at Albus Potter -- who, I might add, was wielding a murderous glare. Clenching my jaw, I stepped away from Prissy, ignoring the whine that escaped her throat.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted something," Al said, his tone making it pretty clear that he was not.

I ran a hand through my hair. "You didn't," I replied tersely. "Prissy was just leaving." Turning to her with a cool look, I added, "Right?"

The girl stuck out her bottom lip with a huff, but slipped out and down the ladder without another word. Then I returned my attention to my best friend.

"What's your deal?" I muttered, leaning back against the wall and crossing my arms.

Albus scoffed. "You're kidding. You disappear for more than a day, and that's all you're going to say to me?"

I sighed. "Merlin, what's the big deal? Surely I've been gone for twenty-four hours before?"

"It's not about the time," he snapped. "It's about the fact that you walked out yesterday morning looking devastated, and you didn't come back. I had no way of knowing where you were, which would have been fine most days, but you were clearly in a bad headspace, and I would have liked to at least know that you were okay. And then finding out that you came back this morning and the last anyone saw of you was coming up here? Can you even imagine how that felt? I-" his voice cracked, and when he spoke again, there was no anger in his voice. "I was scared, okay? I was afraid you'd done something... and that would be my fault for telling you about the stupid bet, and--"

I let out an irritated sigh. "Albus... for Salazar's sake. Have a little faith in me, will you? I'm not going to throw myself off the fucking building because Rose doesn't want to be with me. I do have some self-control, you know."

A pained laugh leaves my best friend's mouth. "Well, excuse me if it doesn't seem like it a lot of the time. And, anyways, there are... plenty of ways to hurt yourself that don't involve diving off a balcony."

That was it. "Holy shit, Al, what do you want me to do? Show you my fucking arms, just to prove to you that I'm okay? I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for the last five fucking years of my life. And yeah, there was a time when I wanted that life to be over. But that's not true anymore, all right? Even if everything's gone to shit... even if the girl I'm in love with is too ashamed to be with me... I'm not going to jump off the fucking balcony! And you just have to trust that I won't. I mean... for God's sake, Albus. If you can't trust me, after all the shit we've been through... nobody can."

There were silent tears running down my friend's face, and it was a long moment before he spoke. When he did, it was in a low voice, hoarse and empty of aggression. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, okay? I do trust you. I can trust you. I just..." He paused to sniffle. "Things haven't been right between us lately, and it freaked me out when you disappeared. Because honestly, Scorp...you mean everything to me, and the thought of losing you -- in any context -- is fucking terrifying. So I... I'm sorry. I just... I got scared."

I stared at him for what felt like an eternity. Then I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat and said, "It's all right, Al. We've both been idiots... we're even."

One corner of his mouth lifted up, forming the barest of smiles. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Albus gave a nod of satisfaction, raven hair falling in his face, then frowned as his eyes caught something on the ground: my pack of cigarettes. Sighing, he bent down to pick it up. "So," he said, tentative concern in his voice, "you wanna tell me what this is about?"

I grimaced, then slid down the wall to sit on the floor, my knees pulled up to my chest. "There's a lot to tell," I said, glancing up at my best friend and then patting the space beside me. "You might want to sit down."

---

The sun had gone down, leaving only a dim sliver of moonlight to illuminate the room. We sat in the same place we had been sitting for quite a while now, our shoulders pressed against each other as we stared out at nothing. I had finished my story, now -- all the way up to Prissy's ill-fated proposition. Al asked a few questions early on, but he had listened in silence for most of my tale. I wondered what he thought of it all... especially considering a lot of it involved his cousin. I had tried not to say too much about the sex part, because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, but it was, to an extent, unavoidable. I hoped it hadn't put him off.

Albus broke our mutual silence with this quiet statement: "I can't believe you told her you love her."

I couldn't help frowning. "I know it was too soon... But I-"

"No, idiot, I'm not scolding you." Al jostled me with his elbow. "I know how much those words scare you, okay? And I think it was really brave."

I bit my lip. "Considering how it turned out, I think I ought to have stuck with cowardice."

"Bullshit," he replied. "You were being honest, and she should have appreciated that. You weren't asking her to say it back. She just... I don't know. It sounds like she panicked, more than anything. She'll probably change her mind when she thinks on it a bit more."

I cringed. "Don't."

"What?"

"Don't give me that hope. Please... I can't go on living that way; it's wrecking me. I just... I have to move past it. No more questioning; no more doubts. No more wondering how she really feels, or what it meant that she caught my eye for half a second. No more wondering about her, period."

Albus sighed. "You love her, Scorp. It's not going to be that easy."

"I know it's not going to be easy. But I have to get over this, okay? No more going 'round in circles. A clean cut... it's the only way."

"And what happens if she changes her mind?"

I exhale deeply, leaning my head back against the wall. "It doesn't matter. I'm not changing mine."