"No one can rewrite the stars"

TW: discussion of self-harm & suicide

I was lying in bed with Scorpius Malfoy for the third time in as many weeks. And it felt... right? It shouldn't, but it did. I'd never felt so laid bare, and yet... I'd never felt so secure.

"What are you thinking right now?" Scorpius murmured, his thumb running in gentle circular motions over my hand. His voice was slightly hoarse, and something inside me - my last fragment of sense, perhaps - was collapsing as he spoke.

I smiled softly, rolling over to look at him. "That I much prefer this sort of conversation to the yelling-at-you kind." He let out the slightest laugh, and I returned with, "What are you thinking?"

Scorpius' eyes met mine, his gaze a silver tide sweeping over me and drowning out the world. "That you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never forgive myself if I fuck this up."

I recognized the look on his face — it was one I'd often seen in the mirror. The look that said there would be no giving up. I ducked my head, suddenly intimidated by that stare, and heard him chuckle.

"For a Gryffindor, you really do scare easily, don't you?"

I flushed, sinking back onto the pillow and shutting my eyes. "I'm not... scared of you."

I felt his fingers brush my hair to the side, then the briefest kiss on my forehead. "Hey. Open your eyes," he coaxed. Hesitantly, I did, and the gentlest of smiles crossed his lips. "There's nothing wrong with being afraid, you know. It's only human."

I nodded hesitantly, but still shied from his gaze. Without meaning to, my eyes landed on something I'd never noticed before. I lifted my hand to brush the inside of his forearm, frowning. "What are-?"

His muscles tensed, and I didn't finish the question, because I'd glanced up at his face and the expression he wore was pained. We were both silent for a few long moments, and then Scorpius fell back onto his pillow, exhaling heavily.

I watched the blond boy carefully, wondering why he suddenly looked like he was carrying all the world's burdens on his shoulders. What weight could a question about some marks on his arm hold? He looked so affected that I was ready to change the subject, but then he spoke.

"Remember when we talked about my Mum?" I nodded, and he continued. "After she died, I was... I was in a really bad place. I hated the world, and I hated myself, because the whole thing seemed to be my fault. These..." I watched his fingers trace the slim lines, which were scattered across his forearm almost from his wrist to his elbow. "...They were my own form of self-punishment." His voice cracked on the last word, and he let out a shaky breath. "Sorry, I... don't really talk about this very often. I usually... I put a charm on the scars, to keep people from asking questions. But it sort of slipped my mind this morning."

Godric. This boy... he'd suffered so, so deeply. I hated that I'd spent so long judging him, having no idea what he was going through. I wished there was a way to get those years back; a way to find fourteen-year-old Scorpius and wrap my arms around him and never let go. I took his hand, intertwining our fingers, and squeezed gently. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"No," he said, "I... I do want to. I just..." Scorpius shook his head, looking at the scars. He was silent for what felt like a long time, then said, "Almost three years. That's how long I spent slicing open my skin, pondering the idea of letting myself bleed out. If Albus hadn't found out when he did...if he hadn't devoted every second of his time to pulling me out of that place... I dunno. Maybe I wouldn't be here right now."

I squeezed his hand tighter. "I don't even want to think about that possibility."

"I think about it," Scorpius says, his voice a whisper. "Maybe more than I should. I guess I wonder if people might be happier without me around. I... I think I cause a lot more pain than pleasure, most of the time."

My heart swelled with an emotion I didn't understand. I shifted, needing to look him in the eye. "Scorpius... please don't think that way. You mean a great deal to the people in your life, and I know it would break their hearts to lose you. I... I know it would break my heart."

The silver eyes staring into mine swam with tears, but I think they were the happy kind. Scorpius lifted himself up, and brought his mouth to mine for a short, gentle kiss. I felt him inhale, then he said something I never expected to hear.

"I love you," he whispered, his voice hoarse as he continued to stare into my eyes. "I do. You don't have to say it back; I know we haven't had that much time together and maybe it seems like it's too soon, so please don't feel like I'm trying to put any pressure on you, because I swear I'm not. But I just... I just think that here, more than anywhere, is the place where we should be honest with each other. And the honest truth is, I love you."

I stared at Scorpius, opening my mouth, then closing it. What did one say in response to a confession of love? Especially when... well. When I wasn't sure if I could, or should, return it.

But before I found something to say, he kissed me again, and I felt his hand on my waist, drawing me towards him. And I understood, then, that he'd meant it when he said he didn't need me to return his words. We could still just be... whatever we were. It wasn't meant to change anything.

Little did he know, it was about to change everything.

---

Yesterday's lunch was staring back at me from the toilet bowl. Letting out an irritated sigh, I twisted my hair into a messy bun as I sunk to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chin. Godric, would this awful stomach bug ever run its course? Just as I was settling in to my spot on the cool floor of the bathroom, the all-too-familiar feeling stirred, and before I knew it I was once again retching. I really should have had Aunt Hannah whip me up a few extra settling potions...

"Rose?"

My head jerked up at the groggy voice, coming from the door of the space the Room of Requirement had so generously supplied. Scorpius stood there in boxers, concern spread across his features. I tried for a smile as I straightened up, but didn't quite manage it. "Sorry if I woke you."

He shrugged. "It's no problem. Are you okay?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, it's just this stupid virus or whatever... I hope you don't catch it; I'd feel terrible."

The blond boy advanced from the doorway, getting close enough to cup my face in his hands and kiss my forehead. "Even if I ended up in the hospital wing, yesterday would be worth it. You are... you're everything to me."

I smiled half-heartedly, then stepped back from him. "And you are going to smell like vomit if you stay in here much longer. Go get dressed, alright? I'll be out in a moment."

A smirk played across Scorpius' lips. "I was thinking I'd just walk back to the common room like this... give the people something to remember me by -- you know, since I won't be open for business anymore." He winked, and I looked away, suppressing a smile.

"I'm serious, you idiot. Put some pants on."

"Ugh. I didn't realize being in a relationship meant not being allowed to have any fun." With that offhand comment, he finally ducked out into the bedroom.

His words started to sink in a few seconds after he'd left, and a knot formed in my stomach that had nothing to do with being ill. You're everything to me... won't be open for business anymore... being in a relationship...

Holy shit. What in Merlin's name was I doing?

Was I dating Scorpius Malfoy? The death eater's son? The descendant of a thousand generations of blood purists? The Slytherin fuckboy whose father had bullied my parents? Yes, I'd had sex with him -- a number of times -- once after a date -- but he wasn't my boyfriend. We hadn't had that discussion. I hadn't even thought about having that discussion. But here he was, tossing around the word relationship. Tossing around the word love, for Godric's sake.

The worst part was, they weren't so revolting, those words. In fact, I almost liked them. But it didn't matter if I liked the idea, did it? Because at the end of the day... where was this going? Nowhere. It couldn't. Shouldn't. Wouldn't. Taking into consideration all the facts, all the history, all the tension... it was utterly, completely impossible.

And now, I realized, I had to make Scorpius see that. Before this got any messier than it was already going to be.

Pausing only for long enough to arrange my face into what I hoped was a composed expression, I slipped through the doorway into the bedroom that had been ours since that first date. The blond boy had put on his trousers, at least, and his shirt was halfway buttoned. It was more clothes than I had on -- I was in a camisole and panties, and felt exposed. Since he wasn't done, I quickly slid into my jeans -- damn, why were they so tight? I swear they were comfortable when I bought them -- and pulled yesterday's jumper over my head. This done, I sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Scorpius wander around gathering up his things until I couldn't take it anymore.

"I think we need to talk."

His head lifted slowly. Calmly. Did he not sense the tension? Or was he ignoring it? "About what?" he asked, his tone one of complete innocence.

I swallowed the lump quickly forming in my throat. "About this. About... us."

Scorpius' grey eyes met mine, and he must have read something serious there, because I saw the corners of his lips turn down. He bit his lip, hesitated for a moment, then walked over to the bed and sat down next to me. "Talk," he sighed, and although the word was a demand, it came out more like a plea. A plea not to hurt him. A plea I knew I could not satisfy.

"Look," I said, already wondering how I was going to make it through this conversation. "I... like you, Scorpius. I really like you. And I like... I like us."

A sound left his mouth that could have been a laugh, if it wasn't so obviously pained. "But...?" he prompted.

"But..." I gnawed on the inside of my cheek, searching for the right words. There were none. "It can't go on. Not now... not ever."

A long pause. Then, "Are you trying to dump me right now?"

Panicked by the emotion in his voice, I said the first thing that popped into my head: "We were never together."

Scorpius inhaled sharply. "Are you really going to say that now? After yesterday? After all the things you said to me out by the lake?"

I blinked, taken aback by the resentful tone. "I didn't make you any promises, Scorpius," I protested. "Yesterday was... it was nice. Beautiful, even. But that doesn't make it any less of a mistake."

"There were unspoken promises," he snapped, "-- and if not promises, then at least intimations of ones to come. But I guess they were just more lies."

His voice cracked on the last word, and I winced. Venturing a glance up at him, I found his grey eyes stormy, clouded with tears. It was too much -- I stood up, and paced across the room, speaking as I went. "I haven't lied to you. Not intentionally. But I thought you would understand--"

"Understand what? That I should be okay with you walking into my life every time you feel like being fucked, and running away the second it's done?"

I whirled back to face him, suddenly angry myself. "It's not like that! It's never been like that! I don't want to be friends with benefits, Scorpius. But you have to face the fact that it is utterly impossible for us to be more than that. If we left the Room of Requirement this morning and walked down to the Great Hall together, we would never have another moment of peace. You and I are... we're from different worlds. We're supposed to be enemies. Nobody would ever accept us as a couple. Not my family, not yours... Not the professors, not our housemates. That disapproval would follow us around for as long as we were together. Maybe even longer. Don't you see my point? This isn't about what we want, this is about how it needs to be. And if you—"

"Salazar, will you just shut up?"

My mouth fell open. The exclamation, from a now standing Scorpius, was entirely unexpected. "Excuse me?"

"Don't bother trying to justify this to me," he said, a sharp edge to his shaky voice. "I could care less what people say, and I think that's obvious. We both know that you're only afraid for yourself. For your precious reputation. Merlin forbid it should be known that Scorpius Malfoy has corrupted the Gryffindor Princess... that the death eater's son has left a mark on Ron Weasley's daughter."

"Scorpius, that's not—"

"Stop denying it!" His voice broke, and when he spoke next, it was in a trembling whisper. "I understand, Rose. I understand that it wouldn't be easy. But Albus and I have made it work pretty damn well. Why couldn't it be the same for you and me?"

I hated that there was still hope in his voice. I hated that I couldn't stop until it was gone. "It's not the same, and you know it."

The blond boy let out a long sigh, then lifted his head to meet my eyes. "Fine. If you say we're done, we're done. But we do it on my terms."

My pulse quickened, wondering what he might ask of me. A part of me... far too big a part of me... hoped he was about to propose something continued, but discreet. Something that meant continued contact within the walls of this room -- the only place where nothing threatened us. Was that wrong?

I nodded my head. "Name them."

There was a moment of silence, and then he said, "I need you to stay away from me." I had to clamp my mouth shut to keep it from falling open. What? "I know we have classes together," he continued, "But I don't want you to talk to me, unless a professor forces you to. I don't want you to look at me -- even if I'm looking the other way. I don't want you anywhere near me -- near my person, my sight, or my hearing -- if you can at all help it. Don't come to speak with Albus when I'm around. Stay away from the Slytherin dorms, and tell your friends to do the same. Don't come into the library and sit down if I'm there first. If you want to go out by the lake, make sure I'm not there before you go. If we're in the Great Hall at the same time, you sit as far away as possible, with your back to me. And... definitely stay the hell away from here." He glanced over the room, at the beautiful bedframe and the silk sheets and the pillows that were softer than any I'd ever slept on, and scowled. "I wish I could burn the whole fucking place to the ground."

Finally, I recovered the power of speech, and started in on him. "You cannot be serious."

He levelled a stare at me, and his grey eyes were dark, but free of tears. "Completely."

I shook my head, disbelieving. "How could you possibly want that?"

Scorpius laughed, but it was harsh. "It's not what I want," he said, his voice hoarser than before. "But it's how it needs to be."

Before I could string together the jumble of thoughts in my brain into a reply, he was out the door -- gone. I had an awful feeling that he meant it to be for good.