❗️Triggers: Anxiety, Panic Attack, Blood, Self Harm, Body Dysmorphia

Nick's POV

Charlie and I wait a few minutes in each other's arms before I stand up, lifting him with me. "Are you okay to walk?" I ask him and he just nods his head. I pull his one arm around my shoulders and the other behind his back, holding his hip so I can support him. I can feel how shaken he still is from Ben. We make our way to the front of Baby Jo's before crossing the street to the square. Charlie and I take a seat on a bench before I pull out my phone to call for a ride back to his flat. I hold his hand tightly, my leg bouncing as we wait.

"We should text the Squad." He whispers. He is about to let go of my hand to grab his phone from his pocket but I keep a hold of his hand tightly. "I got it, don't worry." I assure him. I start to write a text to the group when Charlie's phone starts to ring. He looks at the screen and lets out a quiet sigh. "It's Tori." He says as he stares at the screen. "I should answer." He adds but he doesn't answer. "Do you want me to?" I ask, letting go of his hand. He looks at me before nodding his head. I take the phone quickly and hold his hand again before answering.

"Hi Tori." I say.
"Nick, did you find him? Did you find Charlie?" She says, her tone full of panic.
"Yeah, I found him. We are waiting for a ride. We are going home."
"What happened?"
"He's okay Tori. I got him."
"Nick! What happened to my brother."

I look down at Charlie who is resting his head on my shoulder, a small tear streaming down his face. I close my eyes, trying to hold back my emotion.

"Tori, I can call you when we get back to his place. I can't talk about it right now."
"... Are you in the square?"
"Uh, yeah?"
Immediately she hangs up.

"Is everything okay?" Charlie asks quietly. I nod my head. "Everything is okay. She was just worried about you." I say as calm as I can. "I hope she's not mad at me." He says, his voice cracking a little. "She's not mad at you. There is no reason for anyone to be mad at you, Char." I reassure him.

"Charlie!"

I look up and see Tori running towards us. Neither of us move or jump off the bench. "Charlie, are you okay?" She says as she squats down in front of him. I am about to stand up and let go of his hand but I feel him tighten his grip, giving my hand a little tug. I squeeze his hand, reassuringly before resting my cheek on his head.

"Charlie, what happened? Where did you go?" She says frantically. I have never seen Tori like this. "I'm fine." Charlie says. I can feel his head shift so he is looking at her. "Charlie, you can tell me." She says a little calmer. "It's nothing Tori. Nick found me. It's over now." He says flatly. I shift my gaze to look at Tori who glances up at me. "I am really glad that Nick was there for you." She whispers as she rests her hand on his knee. I give her a small smile before kissing Charlie's head quickly. "Can you let me know when you're home?" She asks and I can tell she is directly asking him but he doesn't answer. "Charlie, can you let me know?" She reiterates. He shakes his head slightly. Tori slowly stands back up and I make eye contact with her as she does. I give her a single nod and she mouths a thank you before taking a step back. "I will see you later guys." She says, slightly defeated. She seems dissatisfied with how this went. She looks at me one more time before walking back to Baby Jo's.

Right as she gets inside, the vehicle pulls up. Charlie and I get in and we sit in silence. He doesn't hold my hand in the car. He just rests his head on the window as he looks up at the sky. I am so nervous that all I can do is watch him. I'm so afraid that he's just going to disappear. No one from the Squad answers the message I sent during the ride. Probably because everyone is dancing or drinking. The ride back to Charlie's is incredibly slow and I can't wait for it to be over. When we pull up in front, he quickly climbs out of the car and starts to walk to the lobby door. I give the driver a polite thank you before jogging to catch up with him.

We make our way up and into his flat before anyone says anything. "I need to check the kitchen." He says as he tosses his keys on the table in the basket. I follow him as he looks inside all the cabinets, pressing on each shelf to see if the maintenance people actually came and fixed the shelves. He lets out a sigh as he wraps his arms around his elbows before turning to face me. "I am so sorry." He whispers. I take a step to him and pull him into a tight hug. I kiss the top of his head as I rub circles on his back. "Char, please don't." I whisper. I lean back, pressing my index finger under his chin so he looks up at me. "You don't have anything to apologize for. I promise." I say, giving him a small smile. He just closes his eyes before taking a step back.

"You were really excited for tonight and I ruined it. I made you leave because of my stupid problems." He says, his tone full of defeat. I wrap my arms around my chest, grabbing my biceps. "You didn't make me leave, Charlie. I wanted to leave with you and make you comfortable. Wherever you go, I go." I whisper, looking at the ground. Way to sound cheesy Nick...

There is a long pause before I feel hands over mine. I look up a little to see Charlie looking at me. He slides his hands down to mine so I am forced to let go of my biceps. "Can we get out of our costumes?" He asks me. I shake my head. He takes my hand and leads me back to his room. When we get inside, he shuts and locks the door. I go in the drawers and get out some clothes for both of us. When I turn around, Charlie is standing near the door with his hands on his elbows. "I can get changed in the bathroom." I suggest but he starts to shake his head. "I want to get changed in the bathroom. You can change in here." He says a little too quickly.

I look at him for a few moments as I hold my arms again. I draw circles around my bicep as I try to push back all of my racing thoughts. "Uh, yeah." I say and hand him his pajamas. "I will be out in a few minutes." He says, giving me a small, forced smile and I just nod my head. He quickly goes into the bathroom and I hear the door lock a few seconds later. Instead of changing, I sit on the edge of his bed and stare at the bathroom door. I can't control my leg bouncing and I start to use my fingernail to draw circles on my arm.

Almost 10 minutes pass by and he doesn't come out. I quickly make my way to the door and press my ear slightly against the wood. I don't hear anything. No movement. No sounds. Nothing. Just silence.

What if...

"Hey Char," I knock on the door lightly. "Everything okay?" I ask. I still don't hear him. "Charlie, please answer me." I say, trying to swallow the anxiety down. I try to open the door but it's locked. I knock a little harder. "Charlie, please just talk to me. Make a noise. Anything. I just..." I hold my breath for a moment before continuing. "I just n-need to kn-know you're s-safe." I say softly, my words cracking.

He still doesn't make a noise. "A knock, anything. Please." I'm begging now. I can feel my heart beating faster and it starts to get harder to breathe. I place both my hands on the door. I straighten my arms out and hunch over, just trying to relax. "Ch-Char." I whisper before I quickly turn around, my back pressing against the door. I quickly collapse to the floor. I bring my knees to my chest and press my head between my knees. I start to feel a pressure in my head the same time my body starts to tingle. All of a sudden, it feels like a large boulder pressing on my chest and I can't get any air into my lungs.

I quickly lift my head and press it against the door as I look up at the bedroom ceiling. I close my eyes as I try to get any sort of air going but nothing will go into my lungs. When I open them again, I look around and see that everything is going blurry. I blink my eyes a few times before I slam my head back against the door. I try to let you a scream but only an almost inaudible puff comes out. My vision starts to get black and I feel myself slide slowly to my side until I can't see anymore...

"Nick... here... going... look... me."

I feel my eyes slowly open. It takes some time before my eyes can tolerate the light. When my eyes adjust to the light, I slowly start to see fuzzy images and hear things a littler clearer.

"You're okay. Nick, you're okay."

I blink a few times and I can see him. Charlie is here. He's okay. I let out a small groan as I try to sit back. "Nick, just hold on." Charlie whispers. He sounds like he's crying. I slowly raise my one hand until I reach his face, cupping his cheek in my palm. I try to take a deep breath and when I let it out, my vision almost clears and I realize where I am. I'm laying on the ground, half in the bathroom and half in Charlie's bedroom. My head is resting in his lap and he's stroking my hair softly. I close my eyes, enjoying the comfort. "Ch-Charlie." I groan and open my eyes.

"I'm here Nick. I'm right here." He says. His eyes are red and there are tears streaming down his cheek. "I am so sorry." He whispers, his words shaken. "I am really sorry, Nick." He repeats a few times quickly and I start to shake my head. I slowly sit up and turn around carefully to face him. "Char," I whisper and place both my hands on his cheeks. "You have nothing to apologize for." I say in my normal sounding voice. He starts to shake his head but I brush my thumbs across his cheekbones, smiling a little. "I am just so happy you're okay." I add before I kiss his cheek.

It isn't until I lean back that I see it. I see the blood on his shirt. I quickly look down and see some blood on our clothes."Is this-" I start to say but he cuts me off. "It's... It's not your's." He says hesitantly and tries to get up but I touch his shoulders. "It's okay." I reassure him. "I know it was a bad day." I add with a small nod. He doesn't say anything. "Charlie, I am not mad or upset with you. I promise. Can we make sure they are cleaned?" I ask. "They are." He mumbles. "Can I make sure?" I reiterate but he still doesn't answer. I feel like someone punched my gut. "Char, please." I whisper.

I move my hands from his shoulders to hold his hands. I can see some blood on his sleeves. I shake his hands softly. "I would feel so much better if I can clean them." I whisper and tighten my grip slightly on his hands. There is a long pause. "Okay." He whispers and my heart starts to ache. I stand up slowly and take his hand to help him up as well. We go into the bathroom and I lift him onto the counter. I grab the first aid kit under the sink and open it on the counter next to his hip. I am about to slide up his sleeve but his hands quickly grip my knuckles. "Please, please don't be mad at me or be grossed out by me or hate me. Please don't hate me Nick." He says, his voice becoming more frantic as he speaks. I move my hands to hold his again. "I promise. I promise I will not see you any differently than I already do. I can never hate you, Char. I really care about you." I say confidently.

He looks me in the eyes and nods his head softly. I slowly lift his sleeves and see that he rushed cleaning his cuts, probably because I passed out. I slowly and carefully clean them before wrapping them lightly. "Stay there." I say and quickly go back into his bedroom to grab a new shirt for him to wear. "You should switch into something clean." I say. I am about to take a step back and turn around but he holds my hand. "Um, it's okay if you want to stay the night." He says, looking me in my eyes. "I think I would feel better if you stayed." He adds. I open my mouth and before I can say anything, he quickly says, "Unless you don't want to. You don't have to. I am sure you don't want to. I bet-" but I cut him off this time.

"Charlie, I would like to stay here with you." I assure him. He takes the shirt from his lap and holds it in his hands. He plays with the fabric and lets out a small sigh. "I can do it." I say softly which causes him to look me in the eyes. He opens and closes his mouth repeatedly, trying to find the right words. "I would like to. You can change mine?" I offer with a small chuckle. He doesn't say anything but nods his head.

I place my hands on his hips, my fingers slightly under his shirt on his skin. "You tell me if want me to stop. Anytime, I will." I say and he nods. I place my entire palm under his shirt and lift only a few inches. I look at him again and he nods his head. I move my hands again until they rest over his ribs. His breathing starts to pickup and I look him in the eyes again. "I can stop." I repeat but he shakes his head. "You can keep going." He says, rather confidently which makes a smile flicker on my lips. I lift my hands until I slip his shirt off over his head. I keep looking in his eyes as I lean forward a little and rest my hands next to his hips as I hold the countertop's edge.

His face flushes slightly. "Would you feel better if you took mine off?" I ask. He breaks our eye contact as he looks down at himself and then at me again. "I don't know." He whispers. "I haven't looked. I will only look if you want me to." I say. I feel his hands against my cheek as I look into his eyes. He tilts my head down so I am looking at his torso. I take a step back, admiring him. "You are beautiful." I whisper. I take his hand in mine. I slowly look up his body until I am looking into his eyes again. "You don't have to lie." He says, his head shaking a little. "I am not. You are so beautiful, Charlie. You are amazing." I whisper as I move to stand in between his legs.

I move his hands and place them on my hips. He quickly pulls my shirt above my head and off my body. We are both standing there, looking at each other. I move my hands to rest them on the top of his thighs. He looks at me before quickly moving, wrapping his arms around my shoulder to hold me tightly. I slide my hands up his body until they rest in the middle of his back. Small goosebumps rise on his skin with my touch. He rests his face in the crook of my neck. We stay like this, skin to skin, enjoying the new physical sensation.

"Can we lay down?" He whispers into my skin. His breath causes a shiver to roll down my back. I smile to myself before slipping my hands down his body and under his thighs as I lift him up. He giggles a little as he wraps his legs around my hips. I walk over to his bed and place his down gently. I take a step back to look at him again. "Do you want your-" I am about to ask but he shakes his head before I can finish. "If you're okay with it, I will-" Now I cut him off by bending down and pressing my lips to his softly. There is a longing with this one I know we both feel. When I lean back he's smiling. Truly smiling and I can't help but feel incredibly lucky.

"I will turn off the light, why don't you text Tori so she knows we are here and going to sleep." I laugh. I hear him grab his phone off the nightstand and I quickly turn the light off. The light from his phone helps me make my way back and when I do, I crawl in next to him. I pull him tight against my chest as he moves to rest his head on the center of my chest. He draws small circles on my chest as I slide my hand up and down the back of his shoulders. He moves so I can rest my head on his bare chest.

And in that moment, all I want to do is tell him how much I care about him. How much I admire him. How crazy and madly in love with him I am... Instead we fall listen to the soft sounds of each other's breathing.