❗️Triggers: Mention of OCD Tendencies, Anxiety, Panic Attack, Self Harm

Charlie's POV

I wake up to the sound of my phone vibrating against my wooden nightstand. I blink a few times and as I reach for my phone, I feel Nick's arms tightly around my waist. I smile to myself before I carefully reach for my night stand. I look at the caller ID, Tao.

Me, whispering: Tao?
Tao: Charlie, Charlie is Nick with you?
God what is that music it's blaring and there is too much talking and shouting in the background
Me: Yeah, why?
There is a long pause
Tao: Can he pick us up? Please?
I can't control the loud sigh I let out before checking the time. It's almost 04:00.
Me: I'm sure it's fine but there is too many of you for his car.
Tao: Elle's car is here, she was supposed to be DD... Can you drive with him and drive Elle's car?
Nick stirs next to me before opening his eyes. I sit up and press my index finger and thumb against the bridge of my nose. He looks at me and mouths, What's wrong? I just shake my head and hold up a finger.
Charlie: Let me go wake him up to ask. Text me where you are.
Tao: You both are the best!
And with that he hangs up.

I sit up completely and place my head in my hands, trying to not overreact. I know I said if he needed anything to call, but I meant like an emergency or something... There is Uber and Lyft...

"Char, what's happening?" He asks, his voice full of concern. It's dark in the room but I can see the slight outline of his body. He moves his hand to rest it against my cheek. Before I can say anything, he brushes some of the hair from my eyes. I sigh again and move my hand to place it over his. "Tao called. He asked if we could go pick them up and then I could take Elle's car back." I feel his hand move to the nape of my neck, his fingers twirling my curls. "That's okay, I don't mind." He whispers before pulling me close, his lips pressing softly to mine. "Let's get ready. You can text them when we get to the car." He is so caring and selfless.

"You wake up grumpy, don't you?" He asks, chuckling as he climbs out of my bed. I hear him move around until the light flashes on, almost blinding me. I squint before answering. "No I don't!" This just makes him giggle. He walks over and plants a kiss on my forehead before running his hand through my hair. "Sure you don't, Mr. Grumbadumbasaurus." I open my mouth wide before giggling myself.

We make our way down to the parking lot and to his car. Once we hop in and buckle up, I text Tao for the address. A few moments later he messages back the addresses.

"Have you heard of 'Livewire?'" I ask him, showing him my phone screen. He nods his head before putting his car in reverse. As he drives he holds onto my thigh, his thumb brushing softly over my pajama pants. I scroll through his Spotify until I put on the "Spotify DJ" feature so we can listen to something random. We drive over 25 minutes to get to this place and when we pull up, I see Darcy leaning on Tara. They look like they are asleep on her shoulder. Tao looks like he might throw up, Isaac looks really out of it, Imogen is actually throwing up on the ground...

We slowly approach them, Elle starts to wave. Nick puts the car in park and right when I open the car door, I am hit by an overwhelming stench of vodka, puke, and sweat. "Charlie!" Elle says and pulls me into a tight hug. Thankfully she doesn't seem that drunk, maybe just a little tipsy. "Hi Elle, are we all good to-"  My sentence is cut off by Darcy throwing up on my Converse. I turn back to look at Nick, who is still sitting in the car, and he looks incredibly disgusted. I close my eyes before I step out of the puke pile, shaking my shoes off my feet so I am standing on the wet pavement in my socks. "I am going to just leave these here..." I say, trying not to freak out.

Why is everything getting out of control? First Tao's call, now my favorite pair of shoes being ruined... All I wanted to do was sleep with Nick, go to breakfast, and go Halloween costume shopping...

I feel an anger bubbling inside me at the same rate as my anxiety. The way I am feeling is almost unbearable and this feeling I have causes me to start shaking. My breathing starts to catch a little and I feel less and less air enter my lungs. I feel a hand on my shoulder but I don't look. "Elle, why don't you walk to where your car is and we will meet you there in a second?" Nick suggests. I close my eyes tightly and lean back, falling off the curb and sliding down the side of Nick's car. When I open my eyes, Nick is squatting in front of me.

"Charlie. Hey it's me, it's Nick. You're okay." He says shakily, panicked almost. "N-Nic-ck." I breathe out. "Baby, you're okay. I am right here." He says and places his hands on both sides of my face. I shake my head, saying no but he shifts my head to look up at him. "I cc-a-n-n't..." I stutter and grab at my chest. I look at his face and his facial features start to become fuzzy. He runs his hands through my hair softly, tears softly running down his cheeks. When I feel his hand in my hair, I feel my heartbeat calm down a little and my breathing isn't as shallow. I think Nick notices this and takes both of his hands and brushes his fingers through my hair softly. He sits down on the curb and continues this, humming some tune softly.

He quickly takes my hands and places them on his hips before moving his own hand back to my hair. He moves to kneel in front of me just in time for my head to fall on his shoulder. I move my hands from his hips to tightly around his back. We stay like this until my breathing evens out. "Nick?" I speak first. Nick falls from his knees to sit on the edge of the curb. He moves his hands to hold mine, his fingers brushing my knuckles softly. "I'm right here. You're okay." He whispers. I finally can see his facial features again and see streams of tears running down his cheeks. I reach up to brush away the tears with my finger.

"I am really sorry. I don't know what happened." I say genuinely. "We should get up and find our friends." I add before trying to get up, but Nick tugs my hands trying to tell me to stay down. "Char, please tell me what you're feeling... I was so scared." He tells me. Way to go Charlie... Way to freak out one of the people you are closest to. Way to suck. "Charlie." Nick says breaking me from my self hatred thoughts. "Please."

I shake my head... "Nick, I can't." I whisper. "I just don't want to annoy you or burden you. I don't want you to think I'm some fragile, broken mess. Like you need to fix me. I would hate that." I whisper. Nick immediately shakes his head softly. "You're not and I wouldn't." He whispers before kissing my cheek. If you tell him, he's going to leave you. He's going to walk right out on you. I just shake my head, tears streaming steadily down my cheeks.

"I..." I trail off. Don't tell him. You are going to regret it.

"Charlie, please. I just want to help and I can't help if I don't know how you are feeling." His voice breaks before he leans down to rest his forehead against mine. I close my eyes before speaking.

"I got this overwhelming feeling of anger and anxiety when we showed up. I sorta felt it when Tao called but it was much worse when my shoes got ruined. I just..." I trail off and bit my lip anxiously before continuing. "I just felt like everything was out getting out of control and... and I was losing control. I was scared..." I completely break down now. "I-I am sc-scared." He pulls me in so tightly, probably the tightest he's ever held me. "I have you Charlie. I will always be here to catch you." He whispers.

What feels like hours is quickly interrupted. "You two coming or what?" Elle shouts, as she starts to come back over. My eyes widen up at Nick who smiles softly at me. "Hold on." He shouts, his eyes never leaving mine. "Are you okay to drive? I will be right behind you the entire time." He whispers and I nod my head. "Charlie is coming." He says before standing up. He reaches out his hands to help me up and when he does, I feel a warmth slide between our hands. I pull my hands from his and see that my palms are cut up from the gravel of the road. I rub them on my pants quickly, little pebbles falling to the ground as they are knocked from my skin. The bleeding isn't bad at all, just like a few paper cuts all together. Good, you deserve this...

"We will clean this up when we get back to your flat." He whispers before kissing my cheek. "Elle! Where are we all going?" Nick shouts, causing Elle to skip over to us. "Tao said it would be okay if we slept at your's?" Elle asks, directing her question to me. I just nod my head before she wraps her arm in mine and walks the two of us to her car behind Livewire. "Issac, Tara, Darcy. You're with Nick in the front. Tao, myself, Sahar and Imogen will be in my car with Charlie." Elle instructs and everyone just stares, probably too drunk to process what she said. She physically moves the three towards Nick's car before shouting for Nick. Then she walks the others to her car before we hop in.

________________________________

When I park Elle's car in a parking spot, Nick pulls his car up right next to us. He gets out and immediately comes up to me, linking his arm in mine. Tao and Isaac lead the way up to our place, everyone shouting and laughing loudly. So loudly that I am nervous someone is going to come out of their flat to yell at us. I think Nick feels my anxiety because he pulls me closer to him. When we get inside our flat, Nick quickly shuts the door, locking all of us in our own, loud world.

"Why don't you go lay down in bed and I will help everyone settle in?" Nick asks. I just shake my head, a shiver almost running through entire body. "I need to shower." I say before I walk to my bedroom to find new clothes to change into. I quickly go into my bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I turn the shower temperature up all the way, letting the room steam up quickly.

I am about take my shirt off and quickly catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I put my sweater top back down and I look away, ashamed. I am overwhelmed with my urge that I need to stop it immediately before I panic. I reach into the drawer and pull out my small pouch, taking a small blade from inside. I look at myself one last time in the mirror.

You got angry at your friends... You had a panic attack... You told Nick how you really felt which you swore you'd never tell anyone...

I let the blade slide across my biceps three times each. Each time, stinging and burning with the movement. I am about to clean my blade when a wave of overwhelming emotion crashes over me and my urge intensifies. Tears start falling down my cheek. My breathing starts to increase. A cold sensation runs through my body and my brain forces me into my shower, clothes and all. I start to cry and I am so shaken up, my legs buckle from under me. With a loud clunk, I fall down to the floor of the shower, the water soaking me, and the blade clattering in front of me.

I pull my legs to my chest as I cry into my knees.

Nick is never going to love you, not like this...
Your friends are never going to ask you for a favor again, not when you acted the way you acted...
Why can't you just be normal...

"Charlie, are you okay? Can I come in? I heard a loud noise." Nick says as he knocks on the door. I try to say something but my mouth fills with a mixture of shower water and tears. A few moments pass and I hear the glass shower door slide open. "Char, oh my god." He breathes. I can't even look at him I just repeat "I'm sorry" over and over and shake my head. I hear the blade clatter as he picks it up, tossing it out of the way before he climbs into the water, getting completely soaked with me as he holds me in his arms.

We stay like this until the hot water turns ice cold and I start to shiver in his grip. "Char, please come out with me." He whispers, spitting some water out between his lips. I don't say anything, just nod my head slowly. He lifts me up and carries me to the countertop, placing me on the granite. I still can't look at him but I hear him opening all the drawers and cabinets until he places a first aid kit next to my hip. "Can I please clean these up?" He asks softly but I don't acknowledge him at all.

He lifts my chin up with his index finger, forcing me to meet his eyes. He is giving me a small smile, not a pitiful one. Not ashamed or embarrassed. Just his normal, caring smile. "Please?" He asks. I close my eyes and nod my head. I lay my arms up against my soaking wet pants as he cleans my cuts properly, careful not to hurt me. When he finishes his, he lifts me off the countertop and into my bedroom. I let him take my soaking wet clothes off and change me into the clothes I pulled out. Again he lifts me into his arms and places me into my bed. He looks at the floor and then back at himself, he is soaking wet. "Your green jumper is hanging in my closest. I might have a pair of boxers in my drawers." I say, my voice wavering.

He goes looking around until he finds a pair of shorts. He takes the jumper from my closet, but instead of putting it on himself, he climbs into bed holding it. He places it over my head and helps guide it over my body. He lays down and pulls me to lay against his chest. I think he knows I am about to apologize because he shushes me. "Char, I want you to just try and get some sleep. I will be right here if you need me." His hand reaches up and plays with my hair softly, calming me down.

I am so drained in every way, my eyes slowly flutter closed and my body melts against his. Him and his jumper keeping me warm, maybe even safe? I start to doze off when I hear him whisper, "I am not going anywhere, baby."