Chapter 50: Golden

Anabeth came knocking at the door. Kagagaling niya lang mula sa foraging kasama ang ilang staff ng apothecary. Tinatanong niya kung naghapunan na ako.

Under the sheets, I wiped my tears and cleared my throat. "Not hungry," I managed to say.

Huminto siya sa pagkatok sa pinto. "'You okay?"

"Yes, it's just... my wound. It's hurting a bit," I lied, trying to make it sound like it was about my gunshot.

"Do you want me to check it?" tanong niya mula sa likod ng pintuan.

"I'll just sleep it out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please..."

She hesitated to leave before she sighed. "Just tell me if you need anything."

I heard her steps fading from the hallway. Muli kong siniksik ang sarili ko sa ilalim ng kumot.

I don't even know what I need. I thought I've finally built the confidence to face people and be who I am. But a simple kick brought me easily  back to the ruins.

Because I knew what I heard from the council member was all true. I didn't have a good past. I couldn't change who I am because of it. All I can do now is do my best to survive my everyday. But no matter what I do, it wouldn't be enough.

--

The day of the celebration arrived. Everyone was in high spirits, including the people at the apothecary. It was the day the hope of Van Zanth were born twenty two years ago.

At the breakfast table, Anabeth shared a story about the day the twins were born and how her uncle, Sir Sebastian, was in the mansion when  Ms. Laura was about to gave birth. It was the first time the former beta felt genuine panic because he didn't know what to do. Maging ang mga staff ay napangiti sa kanyang kwento.

Matapos ang agahan, pabalik na kami sa kanya-kanyang kwarto nang tanungin ako ni Anabeth.

"Are you still in pain?" She knew it wasn't completely about the wound. Naging tahimik ako nitong mga nakaraang araw at alam kong nagaalala siya.

"A bit."

"Will you be able to go tonight?"

Hindi ako sumagot.

"The alpha is expecting you."

Dumating ang hapon. Anabeth had to leave first because Sir Sebastian asked her a favor to help the pregnant Ms. Venise to prepare for the  event.

Bago umalis, nagpaalam sa'kin si Anabeth. "We will be waiting for you at the party," muli niyang paalala.

Evening arrived. The invited staff were leaving the apothecary one by  one to attend the party.

"Aren't you going, Eleanor?" tanong ni Senior Violeta nang pagbuksan ko siya ng pinto. Senior Rowena was also standing by the hallway of  my room, both dressed in elegant gowns.

Umiling ako bilang sagot.

"Are you not feeling well?"

I'm in pain.

"The party is until twelve midnight," Senior Violeta told me. "I hope you feel better later on."

Pilit akong ngumiti nang magpaalam sa kanila. The car left the driveway. Silence surrounded the apothecary. My heart was caving in inside my chest.

Lumipas ang oras na nasa loob lamang ako ng aking kwarto. Kalaunan lumabas ako sa garden para huminga. Malamig ang hangin mula sa kakahuyang nakapaligid sa apothecary. I pulled my coat closer to my body.

Pinagmasdan ko ang mga halaman sa garden mula sa kakarampot na  ilaw ng mga posteng nakapaligid sa'kin.

It's fine. I'm doing the right thing. I can explain to Zackary later on. I hope he understands. I might look like a coward but I'm doing the right thing.

Hindi ko namalayan na tumutulo na pala ang mga luha sa aking pisngi. Agad kong pinahid ang pisngi ko nang marinig ang mga yapak sa  garden.

"Hindi ba dapat nasa mansiyon ka?"

Agad akong lumingon nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses. Alexander was standing in the pathway, under the light of one of the garden lamp posts.

"Alexander..." I tried to hide the crack in my voice. "What are you doing here?"

"Accompanying an order in the infirmary," sagot niya nang makalapit sa'kin.

"Aren't you going to the party?" I asked.

"We're on field work. Outsiders usually consider events as lesser security."

Nanatili siyang nakatitig sa'kin habang nakasiklop ang mga braso sa dibdib. I worried the tears were evident on my face so I averted my  gaze from him.

"And you?"

"I... I don't feel well..." My words faded before I could let them out. Because I knew I was lying. I wanted to go. It's his special day. I  wanted to be with Zackary.

Namuong muli ang luha sa aking mga mata. I dried them out with the back of my hand.

"Alexander, what should I do?" I asked in between tears. "I don't have anything to offer to Van Zanth. I don't even have anything for myself. But I wanted to be with him."

Patuloy ang pagbagsak ng aking mga luha.

"I didn't know it would be this painful. I was starting to like who I am now and it took me my entire life to have the strength to. But why is it  not enough?"

"Who the hell told you that?"

Alexander had his knuckles crumpled in fists.

"Do you think anyone is enough in this town, Eleanor? We are always lacking. Me, the alpha, even the former leaders before us. There is no  one who can satisfy the need of every single individual in this entire town."

Ramdam ko ang pagtitimpi sa kanyang boses.

"And no one has to. We are not saints. We are here to do what our job requires and give our best everyday. It's the only way we can move forward. If we keep on worrying being enough for everyone, we will never move forward from where we are."

I lowered my gaze, unable to face him.

"If this is your best version right now, then it's good enough. When you put a stop to all the expectation of you, that's the only way you can determine for yourself if you're enough."

Para akong isang batang kanyang pinapagalitan.

"That's the thing about you, Eleanor. You grew up pleasing people trying to belong to somewhere, that you don't even belong to yourself anymore."

My tears turned into sob. But it wasn't because of how furious  Alexander was while saying those words, it was because no one had told me those words before.

Alexander voice soften. "You don't have to be the perfect person beside the alpha. You just have to be there. Sure, it won't be easy. But you can work to overcome one barrier at a time until you clear your path. It is  not a single-person battle, Eleanor. We are all gonna be there to help you."

I raised my head to meet his gaze. "Do you think I'm strong enough for this battle?"

Mahinahon siyang tumango.

"I used to know a kid who run around with makeshift swords of dry branches in her hand. I was never able to beat her because she was  lively, clever and kind to the point of giving away her swords so other kids could win against her."

He placed a hand on top of my head. "You reminded me so much of this kid."

"Where is she now?" I asked, voice more composed.

"She had changed a lot since then, but I still see the same kid in her  from time to time."

For a swift moment, I noticed the tinge of guilt in his eyes before he stepped away.

"Believe in yourself, Eleanor."

Ito ang huli niyang sinabi bago naglakad paalis sa garden.

"Alexander," tawag ko bago siya tuluyang lumayo. "Can I... ask you a favor?"

--

My tears were now dry on my cheeks. I was staring at myself in the mirror, wearing a gorgeous green gown with the hem reaching the hardwood floor. I was finally able to wear it, the first gown I've purchased.

Hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong gagawin ko. I might regret this decision in the future. Maaari akong masaktan nang lubusan at mahirapang bumangon.

But for once... I want to take this risk.

I approached the driveway where Alexander was waiting for me. Siguradong hindi matutuwa si Anabeth kapag nalaman niyang hindi  man lang ako nag-ayos ng buhok ko naglagay ng kolorete sa mukha.  Pero malalim na ang gabi at wala na akong oras para gawin ang mga  ito.

"Thank you for doing this favor," I told Alexander.

Binuksan niya ang pinto ng sasakyan para sa'kin. He barely said  anything while we were in the car. Pero nakikita ko sa kanyang mga mata.

He was proud of me... of my decision to go.

Mabilis ang pagpapatakbo ni Alexander sa sasakyan. Habang tumatagal, tumitindi ang kabang nararamdaman ko. This is the biggest risk I'm willing to take.

Narating namin ang paanan ng burol kung saan makikita ang mansiyon ng mga Van Zanth. Sa daan palang ay kita na ang mahabang linya ng mga sasakyan.

Napailing si Alexander sa driver's seat. It was nearly impossible for a single car to pass through and reach the mansion. Lahat ng bisita ay  nasa loob na.

"Dadalhin kita sa mansiyon, 'wag kang magalala," mahinahon na sabi ni Alexander mula sa rear view mirror nang makita ang pangamba sa  aking mukha.

Pilit siniksik ni Alexander ang sasakyan sa daan. He was a skilled  driver to even do so. We were halfway through nang tuluyan kaming huminto. The line of parked cars were now completely blocking the  road.

"I can walk from here," I told Alexander.

Lumingon siya mula sa driver's seat. "Masyado pang malayo."

"Okay lang sa'kin."

It was a small inconvenience compared to what Zackary had suffered  for me. How he would drop everything to see me and make sure I was safe. Just the thought of it made my heart swell. I was aching to see  him.

Bago tuluyang lumabas sa sasakyan, lumingon kay Alexander.

"Thank you, Alexander. I'm grateful I have you with me."

After stepping out of the car, I grabbed the hem of my gown and begun walking. I could already see the mansion from where I was standing, golden lights shining from the windows behind the walls and towering trees.

The cold breeze caressed my bare face as I rushed to the gate. Golden sparkling lights erupted in the sky. Tuluyan akong tumakbo para  marating ang mansiyon.

From the doorway, I could already witness the hall where the party was being held. Everything in the mansion was in color black and sparkling gold. From the lights scattered to the garden and patio, to the  breathtaking people in suits and elegant ball gowns facing the center of the hall.

I stood by the doorway, searching for familiar faces in the crowd... searching for his face. The party had mellowed down. The celebration was almost over. I barely made it on time.

Ilan sa mga bisita ang nakapansin sa'kin. The glances automatically turned to murmur and turn of heads. It was all too quick when their  stares and whispers surrounded me.

"That's her..."

"She did come..."

"The rumor must be true."

"How can anyone accept someone like her?"

Hindi na ako nakaiwas pa. Parang alon na isa-isa silang napalingon  sa'kin with their glares drilling holes on my skin. I've told myself a  dozen times before arriving here that I would no longer hide or look away.

But I could see it clearly how their eyes narrowed, how their lips pursed in disappointment. I've been in the same situation when the wine was spilled on my dress. I was wearing a neat dress now but it didn't make any difference because they already made their judgement before they met me.

My hands were cold and sweaty as I grabbed the fabric of my gown. Hindi ko alam kung saan babaling dahil lahat ng makita ko ay ang kanilang mga mata.

I was about to take a step back when Zackary appeared from the crowd.

"Alpha..."

The people automatically dispersed stepped aside to give him way. I stood still as Zackary walked towards me, standing tall and dignified from the crowd.

Ilang beses ko lamang siyang nakita sa ganitong ayos. Formal attire suited him so well. The black tuxedo, black tie, his hair tousled back exposing his forehead, making the features of his face more prominent than usual.

Tuluyan siyang nakalapit sa'kin.

"Zack..." I mumbled. "I'm sorry, I'm late. I got scared-"

Zackary's hand reached for my face. Marahan niyang hinaplos ang pisngi ko.

"You're here... you've made it."

I nodded, trying so hard not to let my tears show. "Yes... I'm here now..."

The silence from the crowd was deafening. Bumalot sa'kin ang  kanyang mga braso at mahigpit akong niyakap. I could hear the beating of his chest against my ear. Tulad ko, pareho kaming natatakot sa kahihinatnan ng lahat ng ito.

"Dance with me, Eleanor."

I stared up at Zackary. Nilahad niya ang kanyang palad sa aking  harapan. Napatitig ako dito kasabay ng mga salitang biglang pumailanlang sa paligid.

"This is unacceptable."

"Is the alpha really going to accept her?"

Marahan akong pumikit at huminga nang malalim. Kahit ngayon lang, gusto kong kalimutan ang kanilang panghuhusga, ang mga mata nilang nakatitig sa'kin at tahimik na sinasabing hindi ako kailanman magiging karapatdapat.

Kahit ngayon lang... pakiusap hayaan niyo akong makasama siya.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay na tinanggap ko ang palad ni Zackary. Nakangiti siya nang marahan niya akong hinila papunta sa gitna ng hall kung saan makikita kami ng lahat.

"Zack..."

Pinisil niya ang palad ko, telling me it's alright. Nagsimula kaming magsayaw. I didn't know how to dance. I had no reason to learn. But Zackary led the movements, gently guiding me in every step, in every sway.

I caught glance of familiar faces in the crowd. From his parents  watching us by the grand staircase, Zanra and Anabeth standing in the patio, to Sir Sebastian's growing family and the senior staff from the apothecary.

Hanggang sa dumako ang tingin ko sa isang grupo. The group of the council members and the elders in town. Sir Philip watched us with narrowed eyes. Most of them were shaking their heads, disappointment in their gazes.

In the middle of the soft music playing, I couldn't help but ask. "Zack... am I really worth all of this?"

Huminto kami sa pagsasayaw at nanatiling nakatayo sa gitna ng hall. Zackary's thumb caressed my cheek, wiping away the tear. In the  middle of the golden lights around us, his eyes were the most radiant of all.

"Among all the things expected of me, over all the responsibilities I was chained from the very beginning, you are my only choice I have made."

Marahan akong nakapikit nang magdikit ang aming mga noo. "I would never let them take control over me, over us. We will never be  tamed."

His face leaned down and in front of the whole Van Zanth, Zackary kissed me.

***