Chapter 19: Breathless

Nagising ako na mas maayos ang pakiramdam kesa nitong mga nakaraang araw. I sat up on bed, chest raising while I take deep breaths. For the first time in days, I could breathe without the pain blocking my chest. Sumulyap ako sa bakanteng silya sa tabi ng kama. Hanggang ngayon tila isang panaginip lang ang lahat. Zackary had been in this room.

Nagayos ako ng sarili bago bumaba sa hall. Anabeth was waiting at our usual table to have breakfast. Agad niya akong sinalubong at tinanong habang nakapila kami para kumuha ng pagkain.

"Maayos na ba ang pakiramdam mo?"

Tumango ako. There was still this discomfort but I could move now without pain. Maging ang iba pang staff ng apothecary, madalas din akong tanungin. They indeed treat everyone as their family.

Pagbalik namin sa table, panay ang sulyap ni Anabeth sa'kin.

"May problema ba?"

"You do realize that the future alpha took care of you for an entire night last time, right?" Anabeth seems more interested to the topic than to the meal on our plates.

"Is it... supposed to be wrong?" Hindi malinaw ang mga bagay na natatandaan ko noong gabing 'yon, but I remembered Zackary staying until morning the next day.

"He's a good person," I told Anabeth. "He tried to help me because of Zanra."

Anabeth frowned, dismayado sa narinig niyang sagot. She leaned closer to me over the table. "Let's look at it this way, Eleanor. Do you like  me?"

Agad akong tumango. "Yes, I like you very much Anabeth."

Tumaas ang kilay niya. "How about Zanra and the rest of the staff in the apothecary?"

Nagtaka ako sa takbo ng usapan namin. "Yes, I like them too. They're good people."

Gumuhit ang kakaibang ngiti sa labi ni Anabeth. "How about Sir Zackary, do you like him?"

Sandali akong natigilan bago sumagot. "Y-Yes. He's a good leader..." I bit my lips, unable to answer any further.

Tumango-tango si Anabeth. "Is your like with me similar to your like with Sir Zackary?"

Tuluyan akong nanahimik.

"Can you compare the way you like Zackary to everyone else?" Anabeth probed.

"I don't know..." I whispered. I like a lot of people in Van Zanth. Anabeth, the senior staff, Sir Sebastian's family and Ms. Laura's family, even Alexander... but in the middle of it all, there was Zackary who stood among everyone else.

Bumuntong-hininga si Anabeth at tinapik ako sa balikat, seeing how confused I was with her question. "Forget it, Eleanor. I'm just messing with you. I mean, there's a lot of people in town who likes Zackary anyway."

Tahimik akong tumango. I was just probably one of the thousand people who look up to him.

After a few days of recovery, Anabeth and I finally had the chance to visit Zanra in the mansion. Matagal itong hinintay ni Anabeth and according to the staff, Zanra had also been wanting to see us since she woke up.

Nasa kwarto ko si Anabeth at nagaayos ng buhok sa harap ng salamin. She insisted I wear my yellow dress. Nagalok din siya na ayusin ang buhok ko, doing a half braid to my hair na napansin kong medyo  mahaba na din.

"Why are we preparing like this?" tanong ko habang busy siya sa pagaayos ng buhok ko.

Humagikgik siya, eyes sparkling in mischief. "Ano ka ba, Eleanor. It's the mansion, remember? We should be presentable. Isa pa, baka makita mo si Sir Zackary."

"Does he need something from me?"

Bigla niya akong hinampas sa likod. I almost lose my balance sitting on the chair in front of the mirror. Anabeth, whenever she's excited, could be really physical.

"Eleanor, ikaw lang ang hindi nakakakita..."

Sinundo kami ng sasakyan mula sa mansion. Hapon na nang magbyahe kami. Anabeth was excited to see Zanra once again. Ganoon din ako. Pero may kung anong kaba akong nararamdaman at the prospect of seeing Zackary again.

Ibang-iba ang mansion kumpara sa huling pagbisita namin dito where everyone was in a panic weeks ago, searching for Zanra. Today, the servants greeted us with a smile. Maaliwalas ang buong mansion. The windows were open, curtains swaying in the breeze, the garden roses were in full bloom.

Dinala kami ng isa sa mga tagasilbi sa kwarto ni Zanra. She opened the door for us. We were greeted by the well-lit room and several vases of fresh flowers all over the room.

"Anabeth! Eleanor!" Zanra, who was sitting comfortably on the soft white bed, stood up to approach us. Nabigla ako nang pareho niya  kaming yakapin. Anabeth pulled her lower lip to a pout, a bit emotional seeing Zanra in front of us.

"I've been wanting to see both of you."

Nakaabang parin ang tagasilbi sa pintuan until Zanra told her it was fine to leave the three of us alone. Nang tuluyang maisara ang pintuan, nagkatinginan kaming tatlo, hanggang sa bumungisngis si Anabeth and Zanra giggled.

"So, mukhang okay na ang prinsesa," ngiti ni Anabeth.

Inalok kami ni Zanra na umupo sa maliit na sofa sa kanyang kwarto habang nagk-kwentuhan.

"Thanks to you and Eleanor," mumbled Zanra, sitting on her bed, feet swaying lightly. "I didn't expect you guys would do that for me. You searched for me in the forest and treated my pain. I heard Eleanor suffered a great deal because of it."

"'Wag kang magalala. Nandoon ang kapatid mo para alagaan siya," hagikgik ni Anabeth.

Maging si Zanra hindi napigilan ang ngiti. "I know! He almost lose control when he heard about it. He's a calm person pero nakakatakot siyang magalit."

Nagkatinginan si Anabeth at Zanra, giggling, like they had a common understanding, hanggang sa seryosong nagsalita si Zanra. "You're selfless to a fault, Eleanor. No wonder my brother took a liking to you."

Isang katok ang pumukay sa'min. Pumasok ang tagasilbi dala ang ilang makukulay na tasa ng tsaa, plates of cookies and some pastries on a wooden tray. Mahinahon niya itong nilagay sa kalapit na mesa bago muling lumabas ng kwarto.

Zanra asked to open the terrace door to let the afternoon breeze in. Habang kumakain, isang bagay ang nabanggit ni Anabeth. "So, the horrible girl, wala paring balita?"

Zanra gently rest the teacup on the saucer before shaking her head.

"I still couldn't believe anyone would have the audacity to leave Sir Zackary," Anabeth muttered. "I know she's not just anyone, but how could their relationship be so terrible?"

Tuluyang bumuntonghininga si Zanra. "All our lives, we were told that our parents love story was one made for the books. Maybe, that's the  reason why my brother tried to make things work between them. But  she didn't deserve him."

Tinitigan ni Zanra ang tasa ng tsaa sa kamay. "I'm more worried about the upcoming transition. Sa susunod na linggo na ito and the council might be the one to choose the beta."

Maging ako ay nanahimik. Isang tao ang bigla kong naalala. Callahan. Anxiety brewed in my stomach. Does it mean... he's going to be the beta of Van Zanth.

"I'm still hoping that Alexander would come around," sighed Anabeth. "Wala akong ibang maisip sa position kundi siya lang. I think he had proved himself enough."

"Alex," tahimik na sabi ni Zanra habang nakatuon parin ang atensyon sa inumin. "I heard he was with you when you found me in the tree  house."

"Well..." Napatingin sa'kin si Anabeth. "He was actually the one who found you. Siya din ang dahilan kung bakit maayos parin ang tree  house."

Zanra's fingers brushed the teacup. Alam kong may malalim siyang iniisip.

"Bumisita na ba siya dito? Nagkita na ba kayo?"

Zanra raised her head before shaking. "I don't think he would want to visit me. It's been a long time since he's been here in the mansion anyway." Ngumiti si Zanra para maitago ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata. "I'm just grateful he was there to help me that day... like he used to."

Nanatili kami sa kwarto ni Zanra buong hapon, talking about things such as her recovery and the upcoming transition of leadership and the programs that comes with it.

"Magpagaling kayong dalawa." Anabeth reminded both of us, hands folded in front of her chest. "I'm the youngest here, pero kayo ang pasaway."

Nagkatinginan kami ni Zanra. Zanra couldn't help but smile. She was far from the girl I saw for the first time in bed, with pale face and a weak voice.

"So we could go together to downtown and shop for our dresses for the party!" Anabeth was becoming more excited at the prospect of us hanging out together. I never had that kind of experience... hanging out with friends.

Bago umalis ng kanyang kwarto, muling nagpasalamat sa'kin si Zanra. But seeing her free to be herself was worth the risk. They think I was selfless but... it was all for me. I was unable to help myself when I was young. I was hoping by helping others, I could heal my traumas and deserved forgiveness from my past.

Lumubog na ang araw nang magpaalam kami kay Zanra. Hinintay ko si Anabeth sa living room habang naguusap parin sila sa kwarto. Habang naghihintay, I couldn't help but stare at the large painting hanging near the staircase. A family portrait of the Van Zanths.

Kahit sa painting o litrato, hindi maipagkakaila na makapangyarihan silang pamilya. Minsan nakakalimutan ko ang bagay na ito, lalo na tuwing malaya ko silang nakakausap o nakakasama. But seeing them together in such a powerful form, the confidence in their gazes, the authority in their postures, no wonder people looked up to them... and I was one of those.

Napatitig ako sa mukha ni Zackary. The familiarity of his face, his lush eyebrows, sharp jaw and pointed nose, his piercing gaze. He seems so close and yet out of reach.

Lumingon ako nang bumukas ang main door. Mula sa labas, Zackary walked inside the mansion. Nagkatinginan kami at parehong hindi nakapagsalita, hindi inaasahan na makikita ang isa't-isa. Naglakad siya papunta sa'kin.

"Are you feeling better?"

Tumango ako bilang sagot. Bigla kong naalala ang tanong ni Anabeth kaninang umaga. Can you compare the way you like Zackary to  everyone else?

Umiling ako. I just look up to him, that's all.

Muling bumukas ang pintuan at pareho kaming napatingin ni Zackary. Ms. Laura and the alpha just got home from Fabrice, tulad ng nabanggit ni Zanra kanina.

"Eleanor," bati ni Ms. Laura. She stared both Zackary and I, slightly wondering with a smile, bago niya ako pinuntahan at niyakap. "I'm glad to see you here."

Ilang segundo din ang lumipas bago ko nagawang yumuko at bumati sa magasawa. "Magandang gabi po."

"Are you heading back to the apothecary?" tanong ng alpha, voice deep and heavy. Hindi parin ako sanay na kausap ang tulad niya. "You should join us for dinner."

Nagtataka si Anabeth nang bumaba sa living room. Instead of heading back to the apothecary, we were seated at the dining table with the  family. Hindi na ako nakatanggi sa alok ng alpha. It was a rare chance specially for people like me.

Panay ang sulyap sa'kin ni Anabeth, ang mga mata niya nagtatanong, habang magkatapat ang mga silya namin sa mahabang mesa. I tried to smile, eyes as confused as she was. Katabi niya si Zanra na kasabay namin sa pagkain.

Naihanda ang pagkain sa harapan namin, a series of grilled meat, stir fried vegetables and mashed potatoes. Nagsimula kaming kumain  habang naguusap si Zackary at ang alpha, and Ms. Laura checking up on our visit.

Maya-maya pa bumaling sa'kin ang alpha. "Have you recovered, Eleanor?"

I paused from the meal bago nakasagot. Napansin ko na maging si Zackary ay napatitig sa'kin. "I'm doing better, sir."

"Is there something you wish in exchange of helping my daughter?"

The rest of the people on the table turned to me, waiting for my answer. Anabeth eyed me, motioning for me to grab this opportunity from the alpha himself.

But I didn't need anything. I was already given more than what I expected. I had work, I had the place like apothecary, and with people who care about me.

Humarap ako sa alpha at ngumiti. "Wala na po akong kailangan, sir."

He raised an eyebrow, nodding lightly at my answer. At first I thought I offended him, hanggang sa umaliwalas ang kanyang mukha. "You can come to us if you need anything."

Muli akong ngumiti. "Thank you, sir."

Panay ang yugyog ni Anabeth sa braso ko when we were back in the living room after dinner. "Eleanor, this is so awesome," she whispered. "We just had dinner with the Van Zanth and God, they were so fascinating."

Hindi ko siya masisisi sa kanyang reaction. I never thought I had  another chance to have dinner with the family. Being in front of them  was like being with the royalties of books and fairy tales I could only read.

Bumalik si Anabeth sa kwarto ni Zanra para paalalahanan siya sa huling pagkakataon tungkol sa kanyang mga bagong gamot. Muli akong naghintay sa living room, hanggang sa naisipan kong lumabas sa garden mula sa nakabukas na pintuan sa side porch. The crescent moon was watchful, hanging from the clear evening sky. Huminga ako nang malalim, inamoy ang samyo ng mga namumukadkad na rosas sa maluwang na hardin.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad nang mapansin na may nakatayo malapit sa fountain, holding a half empty glass of liquor in one hand. There were several steps between Zackary and I... and I couldn't help but watch  him in silence.

Earlier in the dining hall, all he and his father talked about was the upcoming transition. Everything in his life leads to this moment. I wondered if he get to experience a normal childhood or teenage years. I wondered if he's happy.

Natigilan ako nang magtama ang paningin namin. I blinked, not knowing what to say so I averted my gaze. "I'm sorry... I didn't realize you're here."

Tumalikod ako para umalis, pero tumigil ako sa paghakbang nang marinig ang isang salita mula sa kanya.

"Stay."

Lumingon akong muli sa kanya and for the first time, I didn't see Zackary who was resolute with his actions and measured decisions. I saw him confused.

Mahinahon akong lumapit sa kanya. In the middle of the dark surrounding, his eyes seems glowing, the way his hair disheveled glistened under the moonlight, almost soft, and how the lights from the mansion settled on his side profile.

The next time I would see him, he's gonna be the alpha of this town. I might no longer see him or talk to him like this. This might be the last time I could see him this close.

"Are you nervous?" I asked, eyes still fixed on him. "About being an alpha? About handling people and the numerous responsibilities that come with the title?"

Isang malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan niya. For a moment he didn't seem to be the Zackary I know, calmly leading the orders, giving instructions. In front of me was... Zack, someone who I could talk to about anything.

"Not really," he said to me. "I've been prepared for this all my life."

But there are things thrown at us that we're not prepared to deal with. Sometimes all we could do is jump right in and that was what Zackary was doing all these time.

"Do you ever wish that Alexander would come back as your beta?"

Zackary glanced at me. "What made you ask that?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. "It seems like one of your worries."

He took a gulp of the liquor from the glass. "The beta position is always open for him. But I won't ask him to take it or give him the responsibilities he wasn't prepared for. He must take the position  himself once he realized he's worthy of it."

We stared at the same dark sky with thin clouds slowly hiding the  moon.

"Zack..." I breathed, taking the chance to ask him. "After a long day of being you, is there something you search for? Is there something that makes you feel better?"

"A rest beyond sleep."

I bit my lower lip before stepping closer to him. I raised my hand and reached for his chest with my open palm. Naramdaman ko siyang huminga nang malalim sa ilalim ng aking palad.

"I've learned this while taking a rest from work," I said to him. "This could calm you a little..." Pinakiramdaman ko ang tibok ng kanyang puso.

"Eleanor..."

Nakatitig sa'kin si Zackary, his dark eyes now a steady golden gaze. Naramdaman ko ang pagtaas at baba ng kanyang dibdib sa ilalim ng aking palad.

His heart... it was beating fast. Zackary raised a hand to clasped my  palm on his chest while staring into my eyes. His gaze traveled to my face, searching, until his eyes lowered to my lips, gazing at them.

Pareho kaming napatitig sa isa't isa, a vulnerable silence in the little space between us. Even without my hand on his chest, I could feel his breath and the warmth of his body.

Unti-unting umakyat ang palad niya sa aking leeg, up to my jaw, until his thumb reached my lower lip. Isang malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan ko nang haplusin niya ang labi ko.

Humigpit ang kapit ko sa kanyang dibdib, nahihirapang huminga. "Zack..." Why am I so nervous, and yet unafraid, breathless, yet my heart was beating fast?

Nanghina ang mga palad ko, trembling lightly with the foreign emotions flooding me. Zackary must have saw the confusion in my eyes. He took a deep breath and step away.

"I apologize for startling you," he told me.

He held my cheek and planted a light kiss on my forehead before whispering.

"This is enough for now."

***