"Maybe won't you take it back, say you were tryna make me laugh, and nothing has to change today, you didn't mean to say 'I love you'. I love you and I don't want to."
~Billie Eilish, "i love you"

~~~

*Yoongi's POV*

"I love you, Yoongi."

Those words echoed in my head, swirling around and making me dizzy. Was I supposed to be feeling this way? Wasn't I supposed to be jumping over the moon to hear that the boy I had pinned after for years was actually in love with me?

Except I wasn't.

All I could think about was my own fear. Fear of making myself vulnerable to someone. Fear of one day being left behind. Fear of people turning against us, making our love become ugly and bitter. Fear of people attacking Jimin for loving me.

Jimin.

I can't do this to him. I can't risk him being the center of hate just because he loves someone like me. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

Trying to play it off, I forced a strained laugh. "Ha... good one, Jimin. You almost had me there."

Jimin's eyes widened and he stepped towards me, shaking his head. "I'm not joking, Yoongi. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for three years."

I paused at that. Three years? That's nearly as long as I've been dreaming about making him my own.

Stop. It doesn't matter. It's not going to happen.

"Jimin," I said firmly, "you need to stop. This isn't going to happen between us. You need to accept that."

Tears began to well in his beautiful eyes, and I had to turn my head away. There was no way I was going to keep my resolve if I watched him cry.

Hands gripped my shirt as Jimin pulled me back to him. "Yoongi, please... I love you. Please don't just walk away from this," he pleaded with me. Fuck. My chest constricted, not being able to bare that I was causing him pain.

"I don't love you, Jimin," I coldly told him. As I grabbed Jimin's wrists to pull him off of me, I left something wet drip down onto my hands.

Tears.

Jimin was standing in front of me, crying and begging me not to leave him, and all I could do was push him away as harshly as I could. It was for his own good. He just didn't know it yet.

"You could learn to," Jimin whispered, voice breaking. I felt my heart begin to crack, and I knew I had to get out quickly before I broke down too.

Right when I was about to make my escape, Jimin latched onto my collar and pulled me towards him. On instinct, I turned my head away to keep his lips from touching mine. That didn't seem like it was going to stop him though, as he grabbed my chin and tried to force my head in his direction. Before I could stop myself, I threw my arms out in front of me, hearing a loud thud as Jimin's back slammed against the wall.

I had pushed him. Physically hurt him. It was bad enough I was intentionally breaking his heart, but now I had assaulted him.

Jimin's legs gave out and his back slid down the wall, letting himself fall to the floor. He stared at the ground, tears flowing down his perfectly round cheeks, and I could see the brokenness in his eyes.

I quickly ran from the room, needing to get some distance between us. Sitting down on my bed, I let my tears flow freely. It hurt like hell to treat Jimin that way. He deserved all the love in the world, but unfortunately I just wasn't the man who could give it to him.

***

I woke up with a pounding headache, having cried myself to sleep earlier. I checked my clock and saw it was only eleven o'clock at night. I had only slept for two hours. Clearing my dry throat, I decided to get up and get a glass of water. I peaked out of my room, making sure the coast was clear. No sign of Jimin. I quietly made my way to the kitchen and got myself a glass of cold water.

Placing my empty glass in the sink, I gripped my hands on the edge of the counter, letting my head hang low. Closing my eyes, I tried to will away this vicious headache.

"Hey Yoongi, are you okay?" A loud voice echoed through the kitchen, making my head throb.

"Not so loud, Hobi, please," I mumbled, shuffling to the living room.

Hoseok furrowed his brows. "Are you drunk? Or hungover?"

I scoffed at his accusations. "Neither. Just not feeling well." I sat on the couch, leaning forward and rest my head in the palms of my hands. The couch dipped as Hoseok sat next to me.

"You know," he said gently, "if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here."

Normally, I wouldn't have even considered opening up to Hoseok about something like this. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I would tell Namjoon. He would probably smack me upside the head for breaking Jimin's heart. But in this moment, I really did need someone to talk to. I just needed to get this off my chest, and Hoseok was a willing ear.

Taking a deep breath, I started by telling Hoseok about how I fell for Jimin four years ago, continuing to when we first started hooking up. I didn't give him any graphic details, though. No one else in the group needs to have mental images of Jimin sweating and moaning underneath me.

I opened up to him about my concerns with letting our relationship go public. Hoseok stayed silent while I talked, nodding along as I poured everything off my chest. I told him about what happened tonight, Jimin's confession and how I pushed him away for his own good. I didn't even realize I had started crying until Hoseok handed me a tissue.

After I finished telling Hoseok about everything that happened, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Hoseok placed a hand on my leg, giving my knee a sympathetic squeeze.

"Do you love him?" He asked in a quiet voice.

I wasn't sure how to answer that. Was it love that made me want to protect him? Maybe. But if I were really in love with him, I would be better for him. Instead, I was a coward who had to hurt him to protect him. To protect myself.

Hoseok read my silence. "It's okay if you don't know right now, Yoongi. Love is complicated. If you need time to figure it out, then you owe it to yourself to take it."

"But I don't have time, Hobi. I'm leaving next week. Jimin is better off finding someone else. Maybe he'll meet a nice guy during his service." Talking about Jimin meeting someone else left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I knew I couldn't be so selfish as to push him away and still hope he'd be waiting for me when I returned.

"How about we watch a movie to get your mind off of it?" Hoseok offered. "We have that new cartoony Spider-Man movie."

Giving him an appreciative smile, I accepted his offer. "Thank you for listening to me rant, Hobi. It really helped to get it off my chest."

"Anytime, bitch," Hoseok said sassily. I laughed, finally feeling as ease.

About halfway through the movie, Hoseok had already fallen asleep with his head resting on my shoulder. I didn't mind though. He had let me rant to him, so I owed it to him to not act like a dick by shoving him off.

My ears perked up as I heard a door creak open. I watched the hallway for a moment before the small form of Jimin came into view. His eyes were puffy, as if he had been crying for the past few hours. My eyes met his, and when I didn't immediately look away, I saw his eyes brighten. There is was. Hope. He was still hoping that I could fall in love with him. I needed to extinguish that hope once and for all, forcing Jimin to realize he needs to move on.

I'm sorry, Jimin.

I'm sorry for being such a coward.

I'm sorry for not loving you like you deserve.

And I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do.

I grabbed the sleeping Hoseok next to me, and slammed my lips against his.

Hoseok's eyes immediately shot open in surprise. He tried to pull away, but I tightened my grip to keep him where he was.

When I heard footsteps running towards the front door, slamming it shut behind them, I knew that had done it.

I released Hoseok, who stared at me in shock.

"Sorry," I grumbled.

Hoseok let out an incredulous laugh. "You're sorry? What the hell was that about? Does Spider-Man just make you horny?"

"Jimin was watching," I told him, not feeling the need to explain any further. Realization dawned on Hoseok's face, changing his expression from shock to pity.

"So. You decided to just put that final nail on the coffin, huh?"

I shrugged. "I did what I had to," I said nonchalantly, trying to make it seem like what just happened didn't completely kill me inside.

Jungkook jogged into the living room. "What was that slamming sound?"

"Jimin," I flatly told him. Jungkook's brows furrowed as he took in Hoseok's and my demeanor. Without asking any more questions, Jungkook ran out the front door, chasing after a broken-hearted Jimin.

We sat in silence for a second, processing everything that just happened. Finally, Hoseok broke the silence. "If either of them takes this out on me, I'm gonna fuck you up," he warned with a light-hearted tone before heading back to his room.

Laying my head back on the couch, I reflected on this past year. I never should have started something with Jimin. I should've pushed him away the first time he placed those beautifully plump lips against my neck. I let it go too far, and now Jimin was hurting.

I'm such an idiot.

Not being able to stand being in this house a second longer, I went to my room and grabbed a bag, shoving random clothes and objects into it.

I pulled out my phone and sent a brief text to Namjoon.

<Me: I'm going to my parents' home for a bit>

Grabbing my jacket and my bag, I tossed one last look around the room before heading out the door.

~~~

Short chapter, sorry 😬

We're coming to the end of part one! After the next chapter, part two will begin with chapter twelve

Me to me as I continue to write a story that I'm pretty sure no one is reading:

Oh well 🤷🏼‍♀️

Until next time!
-Gumbie