After that shitshow of a party, I made it back to work for the night portion of my shift. Theresa was kind enough to adjust the other nurse's schedules to help me cover until eleven. Though Tiffany and Denise still hadn't warmed up to me, at least I could trust that they were competent enough to do the job as well as me. In fact, I had begun to hate when they weren't here. I had begun to hate most things at this point.

I sat alone at the nurses' station, secretly streaming an episode of the period drama I never seemed to have time to finish watching. Theresa said she had been leaving Ziggy alone to sleep for most of the day, but he had been abnormally quiet since I got back. When my episode was over, I decided to go check on him.

I walked in and found him lying in his bed, shivering. I went over to check on him and found that he was awake. "Do you need another blanket? I can bring you a warm one."

"What's the point?" he grumbled.

"You look cold. What do you mean, 'what's the point?'"

"I'm fucking dying. It doesn't really matter if I'm cold or not."

"Ziggy, stop it."

"I shouldn't have agreed to this. I should have just left it alone. The pain before was nothing compared to how this feels." I stared at him speechless. He glanced up at me before settling back onto his pillow.

"What are you saying?"

He looked me right in the eyes and said, "You should have let me die."

His words hit me like a punch to the chest. My eyes clouded with tears. I felt I couldn't breathe. I couldn't take any more of this tonight. I left his room and ran for the bathroom.

I started crying before I made it, but I waited until I was alone in a stall before I completely lost it.

I sobbed, leaning against the partition as my shoulders shook. I felt like my chest was tearing apart with the amount of guilt that I felt. I did this to him. He didn't know it would be this hard, he didn't know whether it would be worth it. But I did. I had seen all this before. I hung my head in my shaking hands and cried harder, the tears streaming down my cheeks faster than I can wipe them away.

When I heard someone else come in, I stifled my sounds. I gripped fistfuls of my hair and let out a silent scream. I stand in my painful, silent stupor while I listened to the other person use the sink, and then eventually leave.

I sat down on the toilet seat and wiped my face. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes and focused on taking deep, even breaths.

It was too many reminders for one night, too many failures and regrets. Painful memories gathered in a knot in my throat, but only one thought filled my mind.

I can't let him give up. I just can't.

Awhile later, I walked back into Ziggy's room with the warm blanket. He glared at me, but when he saw my face, his anger diminished. "You've been crying."

I laughed once, knowing my face must be a mess. My eyes were so puffy they were barely open. I draped the blanket over him. He tried to sit up, but he was too weak. I pulled the stool over and leaned my elbows onto the bed next to him. He ran his hand back and forth over my arm while I collected my thoughts.

"When I told you about my mom, you never asked if I had healed or accepted it. You said I hadn't gotten used to it yet." He nodded. "Because you never get over losing someone that close to you, right?"

"Right."

". . . How did your dad die?"

He straightened up, still looking concerned. "Car accident." I nodded and want to cry again. "How did you lose your mother?"

I looked at him and my brow tensed again. I didn't want to tell him. Tears build in my eyes, but I take a deep breath to fight them away. "She had cancer."

When I glanced back at him, he looked as if he expected me to continue. "Tell me what happened."

I hated talking about it, but I knew it was time I did. I took in a quivering breath for courage. "She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was sixteen. She fought hard and beat it, but she came out of remission my senior year of high school." I shook my head at the memories. "Treatment was rough on all of us, and it took a toll on my parent's marriage. After she beat it again, they called it quits. Their divorce was so hostile . . it felt like they were making us choose a side. Natalie and dad hated me for choosing to stay with her, and I hated them for leaving us."

I still had animosity towards them. The only reason I saw them twice a year was because I felt it would be selfish to punish my nieces for the actions of their mother. Ziggy seemed to understand the words I wasn't saying.

"When mom came out of remission my senior year of college, we knew it would be difficult. She fought it again, but it was so much harder on her. I sat with her during my entire winter break while she was hospitalized through treatments. The nurses would quiz me on anatomy and various medical terms every time they came in," I said, remembering it fondly. "I found out I got accepted into the medical program at Yale, and she was so excited to tell her the news. But . . ." my voice trailed off.

Ziggy placed a hand at my cheek. I grabbed it with mine for comfort.

"But . . . I found out her cancer had metastasized." I felt the tears building again and I took a breath to calm myself. "They had told her she could try to fight it again or live out the next four to six months in hospice. She said she didn't want to tell me in my last semester. The truth was she didn't want to tell me because—" I sobbed, my entire body aching with the shame I felt. "Because she knew I would tell her to keep fighting. She knew I wouldn't want her to leave me." I started to cry again.

"She had already decided not to fight, hadn't she?"

I nodded then I looked at him. "I know I have abandonment issues, and I know that going through all that with her really fucked me up, but . . ." my breath quivered. "Please, Ziggy. Don't give up now. You're so close," I pled through my tears.

His brow creased. "I'm not going to. I promise you," he said to me. "Come here." He lifted the blankets and without a second thought, I climb into the bed with him.

I wrapped myself around him, burying my face in his chest. "I know it's selfish of me, but I can't let you give up now," I wept. "Please, please, don't give up."

"I won't. I won't." He hugged me closer to him as I continue to cry.

"I'm sorry I convinced you to go through this. That wasn't fair of me."

"You didn't convince me of anything." I lifted my head to look him in the eyes. He wiped my tear away with his thumb. "I asked you what I should do and you told me the complete truth. You said it would be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and you were right. It is." I broke down again. "But I decided the rest of my life was worth the fight, and I decided that on my own." He strokes my hair gently with his hand. I take deep breaths until I calm myself to only sniffles. "You've done nothing but be the most dependable person I've ever had in my life."

My breath quivered while I looked at him. I felt my guilt melt away beneath his sincerity. I stared into his hazel eyes and try to convince myself everything was okay.

I leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. I meant to pull away, but he leaned forward and kissed me back. I tightened my arms around him and kissed him with desperation. He hums against my lips and pulled me closer.

His hand slid up the back of my shirt. The feeling of skin against skin sent an excited flutter through me. My anxiety shed away with a shiver. He slid his tongue over mine and I began to lose myself to his touch. I pulled his hip against mine, wanting to be as close to him as possible. If he tried to take things further, I had nothing left in me to stop him.

I started to notice his kisses did not match the fervor of mine. After a moment, they tapered to a halt.

I felt Ziggy's hand fall from my head and opened my eyes to find he had fallen asleep. I waited a few minutes, staring at the way the moonlight traced his handsome face. When his breathing became deep and even, I slowly climbed out from beneath his arm and slid out of the bed. 

With one last look, I left him alone to sleep.