A suffocating vignette fell around Amy as the worst of her doubts regarding Caleb were confirmed. She clawed at her throat, fighting the bile that was rising rapidly, as all thoughts concentrated towards self-preservation. Run, her subconscious echoed.

Amy staggered away from the bed, her feet getting entangled in the blue sheets. A crinkle shattered the silence; something had broken under the weight of her left ankle. Like a game with a bad frame rate job, the world around her seemed to materialize with a second's delay. Amy felt a sharp jab of pain.

Caleb's voice rang hollow as he reached out. "You're bleeding —"

Looking down, Amy realized she had stepped on the glass vial in which she had tried to put a strand of Caleb's hair, all those nights ago. The largest piece had nicked her heel. Wounded on several fronts now, Amy squeezed her eyes shut and reached for the bathroom door, barricading herself inside.

For the longest time, there was blessed, cold silence. With her back against the door, Amy slid to the white tiles peppered with an angry copper from her blood. The roof of her mouth was dry as she nursed the injured limb in her lap.

Before he spoke, Amy offered a silent prayer to the gods that Caleb couldn't just reach across the door and hurt her further. She felt him breach the distance as close as he could though.

"Please don't do this, Amy... we can talk this through," Caleb said in an unsteady voice. "I need — I need you to understand..."

Fighting the urge to never speak in her life and to blast the spectre into oblivion with the nastiest words in history at the same time, Amy choked out an otherworldly sound. All this time, she had been searching for a sign and finally, the universe had provided it. Caleb was a selfish, hurtful, and malevolent creature that did not deserve her or anybody else's sympathy. Fear and pain like she had never felt in her life, now reigned supreme in the recesses of her mind.

"I would never hurt you like that," continued Caleb. "All that I said before... it was just a stray thought. A split-second mistake. I knew it was terrible and wrong and pathetic the moment you came to the roof last night. Just open the door so I can make this right..."

No! Amy thought. Caleb didn't care about her; he never had.

Caleb's pleas devolved into a mantra. "Just open the door, Amy... please... just open the door..." But just like an obstinate god, Amy did not answer.

To have come so far and have it all crash and burn before her eyes was exactly what she deserved. You destroyed your sister and now he'll destroy you. A queer sensation crawled under her skin. Amy heard it clearly – that voice in her head was not hers. But it wasn't Caleb's either. Who are you?

"You're not coming out," Caleb said in a low voice. He took a shaky breath. Amy believed his final words weren't meant for her.

Flattening her ears shut until she could hear nothing but the rush of her own blood, Amy curled into a ball, feeling as if her bones were collapsing inwards. Her body shook with tremors.

Bruised and battered, she finally gave in to exhaustion. A trial by fire for Caleb's soul ravaged her dreams for the remnants of the night — all the evidence she had ever gathered before and after the spectre had ruined the predictability of her life staked for the jury and the executioner. Weirdly, they all had Amy's face. The prosecutor, the defense, and even the stenographer looked exactly like her. He is good, he is bad, he is good, he is bad... they argued relentlessly.

For a while, Amy forgot the difference between awake and asleep.

Although, when her back joined the protests of her other aching body parts, Amy groaned to some veneer of lucidity and slowly opened the bathroom door. Peeking like a little kid, Amy assessed her bedroom. The room which mere hours ago had warmth, music, and laughter, was now still.

A lonely sheer curtain fluttered by the window.

✧

"Peach, I have some errands to run but I'll be here after the seminar. Give me a call if you get done sooner," her father said as they neared Sirencester High. Nodding without really paying attention, Amy watched the murky sky with unease. Tempestuous clouds had heaved the dark before dawn well into the afternoon — as if the night had never ended.

When she made her way into the gym, Amy wondered if she would see Caleb there. The search-and-rescue was in his honor after all, it would be a shame if he didn't show up. Maddeningly, she wanted him near but not enough to hurt her. Maybe she could find the optimum distance...

No, we're not doing that, Amy controlled her thoughts. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Disorienting white light from the rafters illuminated the Panthers' roaring mascot in gold and deep purple banners speckled across the ceiling. She managed to occupy her favorite spot at the very top corner of the wooden benches. Conversation faded as eyes found Amy walking past groups of people discussing Natasha's party. Just over half of the student body had shown up to the voluntary seminar. Their everyday clothes appeared in stark contrast to their finest that night. Little boys and girls playacting sloppy adulthood.

Securing the cover of her sweatshirt over her Braves cap, Amy looked around.

There he was. Standing a little to the left of the chairs and dais arranged for Principal Staves and the teachers to address the students from, Caleb looked different than Amy remembered in a school setting. Every time someone walked in his direction, he stepped away, looking unsure of his own presence. No self-assured smirk or crowning swagger. When their eyes met, he looked away first.

"You look like shit," said Robin, plopping down beside Amy.

She scowled at him. "Don't start with me please." In similar red and black hoodies, they looked like twins from a bespoke chess set. Or frumpy bank robbers.

"Listen," Robin hugged himself and muttered, "I need to talk to you about your... situation."

That's one way to put it, Amy thought. She had spent hours analyzing her 'situation' and still had nothing. Was he wrong to even consider the possibility of Natasha being like him if she had jumped? Would Amy have thought any different if she were cursed to be like Caleb? He was going to do something horrible but she had intervened after all. Maybe she was meant to save him from his worst instincts. He did say it wasn't completely intentional. With a set protocol, stops and measures, she could help him without letting the thoughts endanger anyone except her.

Not my circus, not my —

Robin snapped his fingers. "Dude, what is wrong with you? You are worrying me."

Blinking at him, Amy said, "I didn't sleep well last night. What happened?"

"Henry thinks —"

"Y'all didn't tell me we were doing matching outfits for rescue day," said Kristine. "Robby, I could've worn white."

Robin grimaced. "No, thank you."

Lumbering in her usual gusto, Kristine remarked, "Awful waste of time, don't you think? I mean the guys did say he usually turns up sooner or later. Why ruin a perfect holiday?"

Amy and Robin turned in unison.

"What? I ain't wrong," Kristine argued, smoothening an errant dark fringe over her eyes. She gestured to the guys below them. "They know him better than any of us ever could."

The jocks were huddled in the front, speaking in hushed tones, shifty by all accounts. Amy knew something was amiss when Stefan Calder did not look twice at Carmine Trovey's stockinged legs. Was it her imagination or everyone seemed on edge?

Before Robin could retort, Principal Staves slapped his hands onto the podium, and the crash chased away the chatter of the crowd. He began in a vigorous voice, "Ahem. Is this working...? Yes, of course! SO! What do we have here, juniors and seniors of this prestigious high school... why, all of you did receive an email regarding our meeting today, I don't really need to be telling you this but for those of you who disregard everything your superiors say, let me summarize it for you. ..." Ruffling his notes, the elfin man breathed deeply and then slammed his hands on the podium again. "DRUGS, SUICIDAL PARTIES, AND A MISSING QUARTERBACK!"

"I'm guessing the teachers know about Nat's party," Robin voiced in Amy's ear.

Kristine said, "Wes and Caleb too, obviously."

The seats on either side of Principal Staves were occupied now. Mr. Hanes, Mrs. Aplin, and Ms. Leadbelly were listening to their boss enact his wrath on the students. Sheriff Burwell passed his handkerchief to a sobbing Mrs. Dawson as she clutched her daughter Emma's hands. Amy felt a knot of guilt twist in her heart.

"... I don't know what responsible and mature students such as y'all from god-fearing families are up to these days but the TIKTOKING STOPS NOW," Principal Staves decided with a threatening twitch of his hands. "Y'all need to get your act together or Lord knows you lot ain't goin' nowhere with these morals."

"Oh no, what a nightmare!" Cecile Presley whispered to her posse of shiny cheerleaders who promptly burst into suppressed giggles.

Principal Staves went on, "... After careful consideration — and since we cannot go back to the good ol' days of the Christian cane — the school board has agreed that the precarious teens of this institution require professional support —"

At that moment, the doors to the gym flung open with a bang and a lady with close-cropped silver hair walked into the room, a large floral umbrella by her side dripping water over the vinyl floor. She marched to the empty chair next to the principal and said in a peevish voice, "My apologies, Randal, the rain got the best of me —"

"Not at all, Dr. Abernathy, that entrance could not have had better timing." Principal Staves bristled but did not skip a beat. "As I was saying, Dr. Abernathy has graciously accepted the position of temporary school counselor for all y'all's troubled minds. Each day will begin with mandatory group therapy sessions..."

"Now that is an actual nightmare," Amy remarked as a collective groan went up around her.

"Doesn't she hate all people ages twelve to eighteen?" Kristine said, her voice struggling to rise above the din. "Why would she even agree to this...?"

"Oh, if anything I hope she can sort you out," Robin shot at Kristine. "With your ridiculous tips and your stalking —"

"Excuse me, I thought you liked my stalking." Kristine reached across Amy to hit Robin.

"Um... guys — ouch!" Amy tried in vain to stop the pair from swatting at each other.

Kristine pulled Robin's cheeks. "You seem to like it rough —"

"Let — me — go!"

"CUT IT OUT!" Amy yelled in an unceremoniously quiet room.

Everyone turned to gawk at her. But Amy only noticed the tall boy in a dark jacket by the exit. Caleb had the tiniest of smirks before going back to ignoring her.

Principal Staves gave Amy a scornful stare and continued his rant on waning morals among twenty-first-century youth before finally addressing the paramedics and SAR volunteers in the gym. "... Sheriff Burwell and Mr. Hanes from AP English, along with Sirencester's paramedics and SAR volunteers will lead two teams in search of Caleb Dawson today and tomorrow as the urgency of finding our missing student takes precedence over Thanksgiving this year. We will spread out from the school into Burke's End till we hit the creek. The second batch will continue from that point onwards...

Mrs. Dawson, we promise you that we will do everything we can to bring your son back to you," Principal Staves said in a grave voice, its serious edge reminding Amy of the stakes. Caleb's mother nodded weakly.

"However, the weather is less than ideal so if any student wants to opt out today simply do not sign up near the equipment station." Staves pointed at a table near Caleb where fluorescent orange flags, high visibility vests, water bottles, whistles, camera drones, and flashlights were stockpiled.

"Now, I believe that the student body has a message," Staves read out from his notes. His caricatured anger seemed to have run its course. "Miss Presley, if you will please."

The cheerleaders lined up in front of the pulpit as Cecile climbed up with a bullhorn. "Hi, guys... thanks y'all for showing up today as we fight for one of our own. Sirencester High is an empty shell without its pearl, Caleb Dawson. He is lost and —" her voice broke and she rubbed her dry eyes with a gloved hand, "— sorry, this is just so hard, y'all. He was — is — such a good friend. Girls!"

With their backs to the audience, the cheerleaders unzipped their jackets and let them fall to the ground, exposing the bright green shirts underneath which bore the phrase '#CalebComeHome' in pearly glitter. Cecile continued over the static, "Good luck out there, you guys! May Jesus watch over y'all."

Scattered applause met this atypical announcement. Staves shook his head. "Lastly, Sheriff Burwell and Ms. Nancy Kim will go over the basics of first aid and other procedures to be followed..."

"Have they copied this cringe-fest from some show?" Amy asked. She hadn't missed Cece's slip of tense while declaring her closeness to the spectre.

"Don't know, don't care," hissed Robin. "Who's even buying this crap?"

Kristine laughed. "If Caleb could hear her, he would barf so hard."

Robin looked at Amy questioningly. Seeing his arms folded across his chest, there wasn't much to say about Caleb's stoic reaction anyway. He looked just as tired as Amy felt. Never the one to reach out first in the aftermath of an argument, Amy didn't know how to talk to Caleb. Her anger had burned them both, and now the future seemed bleak.

Not my circus, but maybe some of my monkeys?

As Robin and Amy made their way toward the volunteer check-in stand, they spotted Henry walking out of the gym with Kristine. Much of the student body had decided not to participate in the search. "Hey, what were you going to tell me before?"

Robin cast a glance at the girls behind him and lowered his voice. "Henry... has been acting really weird lately."

"Gemma thinks so too," Amy said. If only her best friend were here, things wouldn't be so hard. "He has been avoiding me."

"He told me to stay away from you." Robin frowned. "Do you think... it can't be..."

"What?"

"You really don't see it?"

Robin was not one to hand over answers easily. A sweaty prick of annoyance gathered in Amy's temples. "Why do you always do this?"

"Do what?"

The cheerleaders had migrated to the benches and now that the teachers were out of earshot, Cecile held court over her little minions, growing louder and more incautious with her statements. "... trust me if she would've jumped, we wouldn't have gotten yelled at, we would be at her memorial instead."

Amy clenched her fists, struggling to fill out the form that had been handed to her by one of the SAR volunteers. He was tall with shoulder-length blond hair that framed his sharp, hooded eyes. Amy had never seen him before. Her concentration was stretched too thin. "Why would Henry tell you and Gemma to stay away from me?"

Robin rolled his eyes. "I don't think I should spell it out for you right here —"

"Do you even want to find Dawson?" Amanda Chabert asked, shuddering. "What if he's all wormy and bloated?"

"Ew! That would be such a waste of a hunk," Lacey Siegfried said.

"Oh, I want him to be dead," Cecile answered. "The gnarlier the better. Imagine how good it'll look on my college application, the essay writes itself —"

"Amy, no!" Robin exclaimed, but it was too late. Amy flung the pen she held at Cecile's face and went for blood. Her vision turned red.

Fuck the circus and the monkeys.

The fight that broke out was pure mania. Amy's last surviving brain cell knew she couldn't actually seriously hurt Cecile because the girl would just straight up die. But her mouth needed to be smacked; it wasn't all Amy's fault when she missed a mark a little in the scuffle.

"YOU HIT MY BOOB," Cecile screamed, flailing under Amy's weight. "GET HER OFF! GET THIS CRAZY OFF OF ME —"

"You take that back!" Amy said.

"OW! Someone, save me!"

"That's for Natasha, and that's for Caleb, you sociopath!"

"ARGH!"

Even when it was four cheerleaders against one science junkie, Amy impressively held her own. A discordance of yelps, scratches, shrieks, and whimpers rang through the gym. Amy had Cecile in a full nelson as she struggled to get away. Robin and half the football team almost had to surgically extract and restrain the pair before Principal Staves showed up.

"Miss Irvine, what on earth is happening here?!"

"SHE ATTACKED ME!" Cecile was panting, her carefully cultivated demeanor shattered. Stefan Calder released her. "She fucking hit me in the —"

"Language, please, Miss Presley!" Principal Staves cried. "Miss Irvine —"

Amy wiped a cut near her lip with the back of her hand. "She insulted Caleb and Natasha —"

"So, you attacked her? Haven't we visited this rodeo before, Miss Irvine?"

Amy shut her mouth.

"I was serious when I said that you'd be suspended if this behavior continues and I will stand by my word today," Staves spat out. "I want to see your parents after Thanksgiving break. Look around you! For shame! Is this the time and place for this nonsense?"

"She started it!" Cecile said.

"— And Miss Presley, I want a full, written apology on my desk by Monday."

As Cecile and her friends quarreled with the tired principal, no emotion stayed in Amy's heart for longer than a tick. Faces blurred together, leaving her warped from shame, anger, and desolation to hope, release, and indifference.  It was not long before she understood what she had lost the night before.

Amy wished someone could tell her what was right and what was wrong when it came to Caleb Dawson. For now, letting him go felt like the worst mistake of her life. 

Dr. Abernathy regarded Amy with familiar disappointment in her eyes. Sheriff Burwell carried suspicion in his. But Amy realized that the only person she truly cared about was nowhere to be found.

What would your eyes hold for me?

Robin gently drew her away from the crowd. "C'mon, Ames, let's get you home."

✧

A/N: I'm back! Did you guys miss me? 2023 started on a very tragic note but I am happy I somehow crawled my way out of there. It was hard. I'm sorry I can't be any more specific than that. And I'm sorry for being away for so long. The tardiest possible New Year wishes to everyone 🎆. 

Are you ready for the endgame?