TEARS AND SADNESS

My body rattled with sobs as wept in one of the toilet stalls.

What hurt me badly was the fact that it hurt so much. But I should have expected this to happen, if not soon, later. Friendships were just not for me. I wasn't sure if Jessica knew about what happened but she hadn't come to me in the morning like she always did, so I assumed she wasn't going to talk to me. I was supposed to go and at least start a conversation but being the terrible human friend I was, I couldn't take my two perfectly good legs to her desk. Saturday didn't end well between us. Nothing went down but I had the dreaded gut feeling that she wasn't happy with me.

"Toilets are made for doing nature's business and not leaking tears."

Olamide.

I wiped my tears quickly, as if she could see me. "If you were smart enough you'd know that crying is also nature's business." I couldn't think of any better comeback and I agree this one was just terrible.

"Kenya?" She scoffed. "Wait, you're crying in the toilet?" I could hear the bewilderment in her voice. I kept silent while I scolded myself. I could have just shut up and sat till she left the toilet but I just stupidly wanted to have the last words.

"So you're going to keep shut now? Never knew you could do that," Olamide chuckled. I wanted to say something so bad but I held myself.

Just do your thing and get out!

After some moments of silence, I heard a toilet flush and almost immediately a tap at the basin started running.

"Do well not to flood the school with your tears," I heard her snicker as she used the hand dryer. She just wanted a reaction from me and I wasn't going to give it to her. Soon enough I heard the door click shut behind her.

I released a sigh of relief. Good riddance. I walked out of the stall straight to the ceramic basins. As I splashed water on my face, I ordered myself not to cry again because of them.

"OMG wow. It's really you crying. In the toilet. I'm totally caught off guard. For real."

I turned and watched in horror as Olamide pushed herself off the wall. I did my best to suppress a groan as she stalked towards me, a smirk on her face.

"What are you going to do now? Broadcast to the whole school that you heard sobs in the toilet and guessed I was the one?"

Olamide cackled like the witch she was. "You're not making any sense madam. You're obviously so emotional that you can't give one of those brilliant comebacks of yours."

I made sure to give a sarcastic smile despite my situation as I looked down at her 5'4 frame. "From all your babbling I only heard that I give dope comebacks. Thanks for the compliment."

She gave me a venomous scowl and pointed a polished blue nail to my nose. "I'm not going to do this with you now, you family wrecker."

I felt that one hit me. She knew? Of course she would. Apart from Chijioke and Stephen, she was closer to Vincent than anyone.

"You hurt my friend and you think coming in here to bawl your eyes out would justify you?"

I felt the guilt rise to my throat, threatening to choke me. But I never meant for any of this happen. I didn't hurt them on purpose and it wasn't my fault that it even happened. Why were they hell bent on making me the only bad person in the matter?

"If there's anything I detest more than an irritating fashion blunder, it's people who hurt those I care about," Olamide stated still pointing a finger in my face.

"I didn't intentionally try to ruin the little relationship Stephen and Constance had!" I felt my lips tremble. Hell, I wanted to pull my hair in exasperation! I wanted someone not to try making me feel guilty for something that went south accidentally. "If anything, I was only trying to help!"

I hated being made to look like a terrible person. Somehow being told that cracked me and threatened to break me into a pile of emotional mess.

"To your hell with your help!"

"Don't you yell at me Olamide! I'm hurt too okay!" I felt my eyes itch with unshed tears.

Someone had to understand how I was feeling too. It definitely didn't have to be Olamide, hell fucking no, but I couldn't do anything because my mouth had a mind of its own now.

"I'm hurt too and this stupid guilt wouldn't stop choking me. And the funny thing is that Vincent is also at fault here. WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS SEE THAT? I like Constance so much and I honestly want to be friends with Vincent. With Stephen, Chijioke, Jessica, Aliyah, Amanda all of them. I knew about Vincent's mother somehow and I wanted to be good at least but I ended up ruining my only chance of not being lonely in my stupid wretched godforsaken life!"

Olamide brought down her hand and stared at me speechless. I sighed tiredly.

Fuck it.

I missed Richard. He would have said something at least given me an advice. What was I thinking? Ranting to Olamide?

"Well then this is all Ms. Daniels fault because if you never tutored him you wouldn't have known anything. None of this would have happened." She wasn't yelling or pointing her finger at me anymore.

Honestly, I was glad that I was made to tutor Vincent. I got a bit close to the boy and I met Constance. I just wished my little win hadn't been destroyed in seconds.

"And I don't understand why you want to tear up. Like are you trying to make me emotional?" She asked disgust evident in her tone. She didn't wait for me to reply before saying. "It's somehow working and I'm disgusted honestly."

I held myself from rolling my eyes. "I'm not trying to make you emotional. That's too pathetic for me," I managed to add a sass to my tone.

"Big time. Apology not accepted."

I wished that I could just roll my eyes and snap at her. I wasn't even apologizing. I was very sure I didn't say 'sorry'.

"Olamide, do you think you can help me talk to them?" I asked slowly watching her reaction. I knew she was going to say no in the most horrible way possible but I just wanted to try.

There's no harm in that ri–

"That's ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I don't like you. What makes you think I would want you close to my guys or worse want to help you get close to my guys?" She asked raising a perfectly arched full brow and looking at me like I was the biggest moron on earth.

Wow. She didn't even try to prove me wrong.

What was I even thinking? I heard the bell ring loudly indicating the beginning of the last test for the day.

"See girl please stop this pitiful act and go back to the previous Kenya I disliked. I prefer disliking that one. Bye!" She did a perfect three sixty, her black weave flipping at my neck.

"It's Nairobi," I growled.

"I know!" Then she closed to toilet door behind her.

I released a deep breath and rested my back on the wall. I had to call Richard when I went home. As I headed out of the toilet, I had to shake my head at something. I've always thought that if I and Olamide were ever left alone in a room, we would rip each other's head off. I just figured that wasn't the case.

*

"Nairobi calm the heck down!"

"Now you're yelling at me," I whispered back to Richard. I had gotten home and decided to call Richard but he kept ignoring my calls and busying them. It made me feel seriously insecure.

"I have to. Why on earth would I intentionally busy your call or ignore you?" He asked obviously frustrated by my insecure ass.

"Because you're busy with work." I would shamefully admit that I was still mad at him for leaving, but he had to live right?

I heard Richard sigh loudly at the other end of the line. "It was all network issues Naya. Please let's not do this now."

I rolled on the bed thinking of what to say to him. "I miss you," I told him sincerely.

"What's wrong?" I could hear the concern in his voice.

"How could you tell?"

"We started our call with an argument." He said in a duh tone. Then he softened his voice. "I can tell that you're holding back a breakdown. What's up?"

"Richard they hate me." I didn't cry when I told him this but I was doing my best to hold back the tears.

"Who is they?" He asked me.

"Vincent. All my. . .my friends, they hate me."

"I don't get you." He paused. I heard him draw in a breath. "Nairobi what did you do?"

"How can you ask me that?!" I asked dumbfounded. I didn't expect him to conclude that it was all my fault. Was I such a terrible person? A trouble attractor?

"What was I supposed to ask?"

"What happened!" I replied sharply.

"Okay sorry. What happened?"

"Okay. I was invited for Constance birthday. . ." I relayed everything to Richard, making sure not to leave anything out.

Richard said nothing. It was like the other line was dead.

"Richard?" I called.

"I'm here. Just thinking of what to say." I bit my lower lip. This couldn't be Richard. Richard always had something to say.

"See, from what you've told me I think your boy is also feeling guilty and he is just pointing fingers at you to feel better. . ."

"My boy?"

"Vincent."

"He is not my boy."

"VINCENT is also feeling as guilty as you are and he probably feels pointing fingers would pacify him."

What Richard said did make sense though.

"If you want to reconcile, which you most definitely should, start with his friends erm. . ."

"Chijioke, Stephen-"

"Yes both of them. First, apologize sincerely for what went down that day. Secondly, tell them what you told me. How you still want to continue being friends with them. Then tell them  how you want to mend your relationship with Vincent and how you want them to help you."

"Okay?"

"Then for Jessica, I would say I'm disappointed in you. If you really cared you would have gone to her-"

"I care. I just couldn't go to her."

"Not everyone would come to you. You really need a friendship advisor or you would end up without a friend in life!" He snapped taking me off guard.

"You don't have to yell."

"It has to get into your thick skull. As day passes I keep realising that it's seventy percent your fault that you don't have friends!" He puffed out air. "Nairobi, what am I going to do with you?"

I planned to keep silent because I was offended. "I've heard you. Bye bye."

"Don't tell me that you're offended sha?"

"Of course I am. How can you say-"

"Be honest with yourself Nairobi."

I kept silent.

"You're insecure. Very insecure. It's not dope at all. You're living your life like you're walking on glass. You're too scared of the bad thing that happens that you don't even enjoy the good things life offers.

" Nairobi, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR FALSE COMFORT ZONE. IT'S NOT HELPING YOU AT ALL!"

I flinch at his tone. And then the rage surfaced

"Stop it! Don't shout at me abeg!"

The tears try to leak but I blink them back

"It's not my fault! If you were in my shoes you would be worse. Imagine having a first friend who stabbed you in the back. And when you thought you've found another, he took advantage of your weakness. You don't expect me to want to go back to something that would scar me!" I yell over the line. "I know I act tough and strong and all but you know, you know I'm just a fragile girl who's trying to not let my pains push me down!"

Silence dwelt between us.

"Nairobi," Richard called softly.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I swear I don't understand what you go through so I don't know when I say the right or wrong things. But I'll try my best to help you. We're friends Naya. We'll share problems and find solutions together. Okay?" I nod even though he couldn't see me. He continues nevertheless. "Do what I beg of you and everything would be fine. Trust me."

"I trust you."

"It's all a phase. It will pass."

"I hope."

After our long session of talks and scolds, we talked about him and his work. We shared a few laughs too before the call ended.

I laid flat on the bed and stared at the wooden ceiling. Warm liquid rolled down the sides of my eyes. I didn't sob or make any sound. Tears just flowed and I allowed it.

I felt so sad.