Shawnie's POV

I sat in the living room watching as they rolled my mom out of my apartment on a stretcher, she covering her body. Mercedes tried to turn my head but I just couldn't take my eyes off of them. I was numb. I was in shock. My aunt, Mercedes and my Dad were all there by this time and we were all just in shock.

Mercedes dialed Marcel's number nonstop from my phone, but he never answered. I wondered what he was doing but I also told myself to just forget it because I wasn't talking to him anyway. I knew he would want to know about my mom but all I can do is try to call. I just thought eventually call back.

"He'll call back." She says, rubbing my back.

"I don't understand why he's not answering his phone. He should be waiting by the phone for my niece to call." It may sound like a joke but my aunt was dead ass serious.

"Whatever mom. People have things to do. No one knows if an emergency is gonna happen. He's probably busy or something." Mercedes said. I looked at her funny because why is she defending him. It's true, but I never thought of see her defending him.

"I don't care. That little fucker has given us hell, the least he could do is be here when she calls him." My aunt said.

"Why are we arguing about Marcel when my mom just passed away?" I said

"Right." Mercedes said

"I should've known something was wrong..." I said crying.

"There was no way of knowing. They said her heart just stopped. Natural causes." She says laying her head on my shoulder still rubbing my back.

"Natural Causes? I don't believe that." I said. "I don't know why but I don't. It's my fault. I gave her too much medication. I was so stupid. Running out of here because of my final."

"Don't blame yourself for this. This isn't your fault." My dad said

"But it's the truth. I gave her the meds, not Mercedes. There was no one else here. I should've known something was wrong. She's never slept that long." I said, sobbing.

"Shawnie, you couldn't have known that."

"I should've checked to see if she was breathing. I was so selfish because I was rushing to get to school, when I should've taken a couple of extra seconds to really check on her."

"Shawnie, there was no way of knowing. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's okay for you to feel sad but don't take this on." My dad said.

He was right. I couldn't have known this was going to happen but I still feel like it was my fault for not being present enough. I couldn't shake that feeling.

After a few hours had passed, I guess Marcel finally got our calls and just showed up at my apartment. I could hear Mercedes going off on him from my bedroom. I didn't care, he deserved it. It's ridiculous he couldn't answer when I know he's someone who always keeps his phone on and volume loud enough for him to hear.

I decided to lay down because there was so much going on and so many people in and out of my apartment. I needed some privacy and I just simply wanted to be alone during this time. I just laid there thinking about my mom. The conversations we had, all of the things she taught me.... How she felt about Marcel. I was feeling guilty about everything.

Marcel walked in without knocking, and got in bed with me. He comforted me for a while but left about an hour later. I begged him to stay with me but he said he has business to handle. He was just giving off the vibe that he absolutely didn't care that my mother had just passed and that her didn't want to be there with me. I just let him leave. There was no point in fighting with him.

I was beside myself. I really don't remember pretty much anything after that. Everything was a blur. I passed my final and passed the class. It was a time where I should've been excited but I just wasn't. I just lost my mom and now I had to help plan a funeral. I was devastated.

********

The funeral took place about a week and a half after she passed. It was a very hard day for me. I just wasn't myself. I finished up school and was waiting for graduation to happen. All I needed to do was take the bar exam and pass and I would be an official lawyer. I wasn't supposed to be attending my mothers funeral; she was supposed to be celebrating these events with me, right by my side. To be honest, I didn't even want to go to my graduation because she wasn't going to be there. It just didn't seem right.

Marcel didn't attend the funeral because he had a last minute business trip and he would've been returning on the day of the funeral, so he wasn't gonna be able to make it. I thought it was total bullshit that he couldn't make the arrangements. That was something else I was upset about. We were together and after all of the bullshit and his lies, he couldn't be there for me. I was livid but I wasn't about to let him hijack my feelings again.

The funeral was very sad. I just wasn't able to function. I can't even begin to tell you how I really felt about the whole situation because I was numb. And I wasn't numb because I was just fed up with everything. I was numb because I literally couldn't feel anything. I knew I was sad and I knew I was hurting because my mom was gone but it just didn't feel real to me. I kept looking at her lying in a casket thinking that she was going to sit up and say just kidding but that never happened. It just didn't feel like she was actually gone but I knew she was. It's hard to explain. It still has to this day.

During the burial I was just there. No emotional feelings. I mean everyone knew what I was going through but I was just numb. I stood there just watching her casket be lowered into the ground. I didn't have any words. I just cried. My mom was really gone and I wasn't ever going to see or hear her voice anymore.

After the funeral and the burial, we all went back to my aunt's house for the repast. I didn't want to be around people so I was just laying in Mercedes' bed. I wasn't doing anything or talking to anyone, I was just laying there. Didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to process my feelings.

I heard someone lightly knock on the door, then it opened. I saw Christian peek his head through the cracked door.

"Hey!" He said, smiling. "Can I come in?"

I nodded my head. He walked in and closed the door behind him. I didn't think Christian would come. I haven't talked to him in a while. I didn't even know he knew.

"Lock it." I said. If Marcel decides to pop-up this will be a horrible situation and I didn't need that. We would literally be planning another funeral for Christian if he saw us together.

He locked the door and walked over to the bed. He sat next to me, leaned down and hugged me.

"How are you?" He said softly.

"I'm not okay, Christian." I wrapped my arms around him and cried. He held me and didn't let go until I was ready. I swear we probably laid there for about 30 minutes. It was what I needed.

We finally pulled away and he just looked at me. I could see it in his eyes how hard he was taking it too. He was trying to remain strong, probably for me. He knew how much my mother meant to me. My mother was like a mother to him. He loved her too. This was a loss for both of us.

"When I found out I didn't know how to come to you. It's pretty obvious that you didn't want me around—."

I cut him off, "Stop it. I want you around, it's just Marcel...he's so controlling. I can't do anything and he doesn't want me talking to you."

"Where is he now?" He asked

"I don't know. Not here."

"He didn't come to your mom's funeral?" He asked

"No." I said, trying not to get too far into details.

"I'm sorry. I don't care what he says about me but if you ever need to talk to me or see me, all you have to do is ask. Don't worry about what he's gonna say, I'll take care of that. You shouldn't be going through this alone. He's supposed to be your boyfriend and he's nowhere to be found. I have a major problem with that. You should've called me."

"I don't want to talk about that. I know it's wrong." I said. "I can't do anything about it."

He didn't say anything for a couple seconds. He took off the jacket to his suit, unbuttoned the top three buttons on his shirt, then he kicked off his shoes and got in bed with me. He pulled me onto his chest and arms around me and we laid there until the next morning.

We talked until the sun came up. No relationship talked about me and him, or Marcel and I, we just talked about life, what he's been up to and how he has been. We talked about his parents and what's going on with them. We also talked about what's been going on with my parents and how things are going to be different now that I only have my dad. This was something I was always able to do with Christian and something that I loved. I'll be honest, it did make me miss him a bit but with how everything was going our lives were taking us in different directions. He was so proud of me for passing all of my classes and that I would be taking the bar exam soon. It made my heart smile. Which was something I really needed because I was very depressed.

Christian also talked to me about talking to someone to get my feelings out. I don't talk much about t deep feelings and he knows that. I think therapy for grieving the loss of a love one is stupid because the only thing that can help is bringing them back and that's not possible. So I think you can learn to live with it and of course it'll get easier over time but I think talking about it is just stupid.

It was around 7 am when Christian looked at his watch.

"Are you going to be okay if I leave? I don't want to but I do have to get into the hospital for observations." He said, looking at his watch again, then he looked at me. "Actually, I can stay..."

"No, I'll be fine." I said, "Thank you."

"Are you sure? I don't want to leave if you need me." He said

I smile. "You've done way more than enough. I appreciate you staying with me."

"Just trying to learn from my mistakes." He smiles. "...showing that effort."

"I see..." We get out of bed and I walk him to the door.

"Hey, fuck what that nigga talking about. If you need to call me, you do that." He said opening the front door.

"I completely understand what you mean when you tell me that but I also don't wanna make my boyfriend upset. I don't want any problems, anymore problems, between us. Shit is already a little rocky, a lot rocky, with us and I don't wanna add to that."

He looked at me for a second, he was thinking. I know he wanted to say more but he just didn't. I know he had a lot of questions but he didn't ask.

"Is everything okay?" He asked

"I'm fine." I said

He stood there looking at me for a couple seconds and then he reached for my phone.

"I'm going to store my number in your phone but I'm gonna put it under my mom's contact. Just so you can have it. I'm not getting a good vibe from this conversation. I need to make sure you're able to get in contact with me if you need to." He gave it back to me.

"I won't call."

"Well... it's still here." He pulls me in for a hug and kisses my forehead. "Don't be stuck in this mindset. I know you lost your mom and it's gonna be hard but it'll get easier. You know who you are, don't let anybody change that or take you for granted." His hand reached for mine and I held his hand.

"Okay."

"Please reach out if you need anything." He said, "Call my parents if you can't speak to me, but please don't shut people out and don't isolate yourself. This is a time where you need people around you."

"Okay."

"I'll see you later..." He smiled slowly, pulling away his hands from mine. He walked away with his head down.

I watched as he got in his car. He waved before backing out of the driveway. Then he drove off.

I went into my phone and deleted the contact.

That was the last time I saw Christian.

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