"I think I met my soulmate today," Newt said as he threw his mask on the floor and flopped down next to his best friend on their couch. It wasn't the most comfortable couch in the world, but it came with the apartment so they took what they could get. Moving in with Minho was an easy choice. Funny story, when Newt first became the infamous Deadpool, he was paid to kill Minho. When he effortlessly broke into the Korean boy's house and held a gun to his head and said "if you want to live don't say a word," Minho looked him in the eye, snorted out a laugh and said, "a word...honestly it's bold of you to assume that I want to live." Newt was so shocked at that response and a little intrigued, so he denied the job, ordered four pizzas and sat on the couch with his new found friend and played a game of "well you think that's bad listen to what I went through this one time." That night they decided to move into a vacant apartment together which Minho chose because he wanted to bone the landlord Eran, and that was the start of their very unique yet beautiful relationship.

Minho snorted out a laugh as he shook his head. "If you had a soulmate it would definitely be like a cactus or something repulsive like a blobfish."

Newt grinned. "I'm serious Min, I knew it the second I saw his ass. I am meant to be with this boy."

"Wait you fucked him?"

"Not really."

"What do you mean not really?"

"I think he hates me."

"What? No way. Who could hate you?" Minho fake gasped which made Newt roll his eyes.

"I'm gonna tap that ass or die trying I swear on that."

"The only detail I get is how round his ass is?"

"Well if you shut up and listen, I'll tell you the story."

Minho nodded and folded his hands on his lap. "Okay, I'm all ears."

~ five hours earlier ~

"Well if I shot that ass I think it'd be considered a crime because bloody hell pretty boy." Newt grinned as he lowered the gun that was pressed against the base of the boy's skull.

The boy slowly turned around, his hands held up weakly by the sides of his face.

Newt's smiled widened. Of course Newt knew who the boy standing in front of him was. The tight red and blue spandex suit gave it away. "Now are you going to tell me exactly what spider-man is doing in my apartment?"

"T-this is your apartment?" Spidey croaked out before he cleared his throat. "I mean of course this is your apartment, I knew that."

Newt would have rolled his eyes if he also didn't have on his red and black mask, it would have been pointless doing the action where spandex man couldn't see it so instead he let out a forced laugh. "All butt no brain I see. Honestly just be grateful that Minho isn't home because he probably would have been jacking off and that is a sight that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy."

"You're selling drugs," Spiderman said plainly which made Newt laugh again.

"Selling? No. More like, I'm keeping drugs that happen to keep getting stolen. I can assure you Spidey that I do not have a drug business running out of my apartment. I may be stupid but I'm not an idiot." Newt plopped himself down on the couch and kicked off his boots. He patted his lap. "Why don't you plop that pretty thing down where it belongs and we can talk about this problem further."

"C-can you stop with the cocaine?"

Newt shrugged. "Possibly, not like it works much for me anyways." Newt stretched his arms back and rested them behind his head. "I suppose I could help you out because you asked so nicely."

"Really?" Spiderman asked in almost disbelief as if he expected Newt to be totally unreasonable.

"Sure." Newt tilted his head at him. "But that just means I'm going to have to pull some more stunts for you to bring that ass around here again huh?"

Spiderman shook his head before shooting a web at the wall with the open window, pulling himself over to it as he perched above the windowsill like some weird looking bird.

"Oh come on, you're no fun." Newt stood up.

"I mean it, with the drugs," Spiderman said in a voice that Newt assumed was supposed to sound threatening but the way it slightly wavered erased all chances of intimidation.

"Or what?" Newt asked, mostly just to be a little shit.

Spiderman let out a loud breath. "Goodbye Deadpool."

Newt found himself grinning as he watched the boy swing out the window. Oh this was going to be so much fun.

_____

Thomas pulled off his mask, letting out a breath as he laid back onto his bed. Weird was a good way to describe the night. The last thing he expected was to see Deadpool when he went into that apartment. He guessed it made sense, he didn't know anyone else who would be stupid enough to hoard that much cocaine in their home. He expected a shoot out, a fight even, but all he got was a mass string of compliments on his butt and an agreement to stop. He'd heard of Deadpool before from overheard conversations and of course the internet. He wasn't exactly a criminal but he definitely wasn't a hero either. Deadpool had a very weird sense of humour but he wasn't totally bad.

Thomas got up, feeling his cheeks flush red as he opened his closet door. He turned slightly in the mirror, following the curve of his butt with his eyes. It wasn't even that nice of a butt. His cheeks heat up bright red as he realized what he was doing. He wasn't sure why he was even taking Deadpool's words seriously. He was an impulsive talker who probably just spewed that nonsense to make Thomas uncomfortable. Well, mission success.

Thomas sighed and slammed his closet door shut, flopping back onto his bed as he pulled the blanket over his face. It was weird. He never wanted to run into the red vulgar man again.

He pulled out his phone, squinting at the bright light of it. He texted his best friend Teresa.

Tom: I met Deadpool tonight.

The response came almost immediately.

T: WHAT?! Oh my god did you survive?

Tom: That's the weird part...he didn't even try and kill me. He sat on his couch and took his shoes off.

T: ...was he broken?

Tom: I almost feel like something else is coming you know?...like that wasn't the last I'm going to see of him. It doesn't seem like him to be so chill about his apartment being broken into.

T: probably not, I didn't even know he lived around here

Tom: Me either honestly

T: he didn't tell you what he was doing here?
Tom: He didn't say much of anything, besides the fact that I have a nice butt

T: LMAO he actually said that?

Tom: Several times actually

T: what the fuccccckkk...is it bad that I'm lowkey laughing? this is fuckin hilarious.

Tom: I think I'm just going to stay away from him

T: probably a good idea, I heard he can't die

Tom: Well this just gets even better

T: i wish you luck my friend

Tom: goodnight bitch

Thomas sighed as he turned off his phone and rolled onto his side. Having Deadpool in the neighborhood would be bad, he killed for money and was borderline a villain, but he had to be there for a reason. Thomas flipped his phone between his fingers, mentally debating if he should call someone.

He groaned loudly as he turned onto his back. He could handle this by himself. Plus Deadpool agreed to stop with the drugs right?

____

"Wrong," Newt singsonged as he dropped two giant bags of weed onto the living room floor.

Minho's eyes widened comically. "Okay Newt, what the actual fuck?!"

Newt shrugged as he tugged off his mask and unzipped his suit, letting it fall to the floor and leaving him in just his red boxers. "Spidey said no cocaine, this isn't cocaine."

Minho snorted out a laugh. "You're actually insane. You can't even get high off this stuff."

"I know." Newt grinned as he pulled out his katana. "You can though, want some?"

Minho shook his head. "Stupid question, of course I want some...but this doesn't get you out of paying your share of the rent."

Newt rolled his eyes. "You bring them 10k worth of drugs and they still demand more from you."

"This is just a way to piss off your boy toy and you know it."

That made Newt smile. "You know me so well. Hopefully he'll be back around soon. I miss that sweet spandex covered ass."

Minho rolled his eyes as he got up from the couch and stretched. "I almost feel bad for this Spiderman guy."

"And why is that?" Newt asked as he pulled the rolling paper out from under their vase.

"Because he has your crazy ass lusting over him."

"He should be thankful for that."

"And why is that?"

Newt grinned as he flipped his knife and let it land in the coffee table. "Because he's under my care."

"You are actually the most confusing human being I've ever met."

"I don't really think it's fair to call me a human."

Minho shook his head and tossed Newt a hoodie that was lying on the chair. "Put some clothes on you british porn star."

Newt clasped his hand over his heart. "Min, I didn't know you thought so highly of me."

"You could make a killing with those scars I'm telling you."

Newt scowled at him as he tugged the hoodie over his head. He hated talking about his scars, hell he hated thinking about them. His torso was covered in them, they wrapped around him like permanent slashes reminding him of the absolute utter shit he'd been through. He had a long scar across his cheek and one that almost went through his eye. His legs were worse, the ugly faded red gashes trailing in every which direction. If he kept his hair long it covered the ones on the back of his neck. They were ugly and dark and noticeable and pretty much the main reason why Newt fucks with the lights off, well when he did fuck. It's hard to get laid while looking like a slashed up squash. He'd met some weird girls that were into the scars, but Newt was in fact just not into girls.

"Don't be like that baby." Minho pouted as he tried to wrap Newt in a hug. "You know I think you're sexy."

"Shut up and smoke your free weed." Newt grumbled as he shoved the Korean boy off him.

"Your wish is my command." Minho grinned as he got to work on rolling.

"I'll be back," Newt said as he pulled his mask back over his face and lifted the uncut bag onto his shoulder.

"You have ever so weird courting techniques."

"Thank you." And with that Newt was out the door.

____

"A-are you only wearing boxers?"

Deadpool looked down at himself, snorting out a laugh as he did. He pushed down his bubble of insecurity of the scars on his legs, but he was behind the folding table so he hoped that Spidey didn't have a crystal clear view. "I forgot pants."

"How do you just casually forget pants?" Thomas asked as he resisted the urge to facepalm. He was standing behind some sort of pop up table with a shitty sign pasted to it, the words "leaves for sale" scribbled across it in pink marker. On the table there was a huge bag of what Thomas assumed was the weed. It wasn't even opened, but there was a giant smiley face with a blunt hanging from its lips written on it in which seemed like black marker. Yup, fucked up sense of humor confirmed.

Pool shrugged as he pointed at a person walking down the sidewalk. "You look like you want some weed, huh? No? Okay buzzkill."

Thomas crossed his arms. "I thought you killed for money?"

"It's called a hustle baby, side jobs keep me from getting bored. I don't have webs and a tight ass to swing around the city with."

"You said you'd stop with the drugs."

"I said I'd stop with the cocaine, this is not cocaine."

"You're utterly infuriating," Thomas said as he clenched his fists by his side.

Deadpool put his fist over his heart. "You flatter me ever so baby boy."

Thomas felt himself frowning under his mask. "Please stop."

"You ask so nicely, maybe if you turn around and let me see that a- did you just web me?"

Thomas felt his face flush under his mask as he looked at the webs wrapped around the other boy's sweatshirt, pinning his arms down to his sides.

"Yes?" Thomas hated that it came out as more of a question.

"Well I can't decide if I'm shocked or just turned on."

"I'm-I'm taking this," Thomas said as he grabbed the bag of weed from the table top.

"You gonna smoke it?" Deadpool asked, a hint of a smirk on his voice.

"No!" Thomas snapped. "I'm getting rid of it! And you have to stop!"

"Or what? You'll web me again because I can think of some more fun ways you can shoot your webs at me if you know what I'm-"

Thomas felt himself flushing again as he looked at the small clump of web strung over the mouth part of Deadpool's mask. He desperately wanted him to stop talking and at the time that seemed like the best solution.
Deadpool's body was shaking and Thomas could tell he was laughing.

"I mean it," Thomas said, trying to make his voice sound deep. "Stop selling drugs in my neighbourhood!"

Cursing himself for sounding so stupid, he rasied hisis hand up, shooting his web and swinging far away from Deadpool.

Okay, maybe this was going to be harder than he thought.

____

"That got you hard?"

"It's the ass Minho, I'm telling you," Newt said as he picked remnants of webbing off his hoodie. "Watching him swing away was like watching god's gift fly though the air."

Minho rolled his eyes. "It seems like a lot of trouble to go through just for an ass."

"Not just any ass though, thee ass."

"It's not better than Captain America's."

Newt scoffed at that. "All because you want to fuck America, doesn't mean that everyone else does."

"All because you want to rob a cradle, doesn't mean that everyone else does," Minho mocked as Newt threw a shoe at him.

"Fuck off, Spidey can't be that much younger than me, I'm only twenty one."

"What if he's twelve?"

"He's not twelve!" Newt snapped.

Minho shook his head. "So what's your next big plan, the weed clearly didn't work as well as you hoped."

"How do you know it didn't work?" Newt asked as he tugged off his hoodie and picked up a shirt from the floor, tugging that over his head instead.

"Because there isn't a spider boy in your bed."

"Taking it slow, it's all about the chase you fuckin amature."

"You're actually insane." Minho laughed as he kicked out his leg into Newt's thigh.

Newt raised his eyebrow at him. "Remember that I can't die."

"Is that a threat?" Minho smirked as he slowly rose to his feet.

"Don't start something you'll die before you finish." Newt was grinning as Minho dive tackled him. Of course it backfired and they went straight through the coffee table, cracking the cheap wood in half.

Newt groaned as he felt wood stabbing into his back. "You're such an ass Minho."

"Fuck Eran's gonna kill us!" Minho exclaimed as he slowly stood up and looked at the splintered coffee table. Eran was their landlord, she was tall and thin but absolutely terrifying when she was angry. She had a very dramatic love hate relationship with Newt and Minho. On one hand, she was definitely sweet on Minho and vise versa but she has her hands overflowing with the amount of shit Newt put her through, almost to the point where Newt kinda felt bad. Almost.

"Yeah you dickwad!" Newt snapped. "It's your fault for always picking fights with me!"

"It's your fault for having such a punchable face!"

"She's still mad at me from last time!" Newt exclaimed loudly. By "last time" he meant the time he put three bullet holes in the wall trying to fend off a villain that turned out to just be a raccoon. Or maybe it was when the bag of cocaine exploded in his hands, leaving white powder coating the living room. Or the time when he'd accidentally left a dead body on the pathetic excuse for a front lawn. Newt cringed. Yeah, they were dead.

"You're telling her," Newt said flat out as he tossed Minho the phone.

"Why do I have to?!"

"Because I think she thinks you're hot and I'm gay."

"She might think you're hot too if you ever showed her your face."

"Fuck off and call her!"

Minho scowled at him before slowly dialing her number on the keypad and holding the phone to his ear.

"Hey Eran..." Minho trailed off as he cringed. "How'd you know...it wasn't my fault! I mean maybe it was but Newt isn't innocent in this!"

Newt laughed loudly as he disappeared back into his bedroom. He flopped onto the bed and tore his mask from his face. He slipped his computer out from under his pillow and placed it on his lap, opening it up. His plan today hadn't worked, but it didn't mean he was giving up.

He just had to go bigger.