my eyes couldn't close, each time seeing a worse image. i didn't care to know what would be at the end of this hell as i laid awake - wide awake - listening to the rhythmic pattern of the wind brushing against the window. jiraiya was dead; i didn't need proof to know by now. it was a simple feeling that started in my gut, quickly swelling ever since i left him in the village hidden in the rain. when i left konoha and he had yet to return, i tried not to breakdown in front of kakashi, allowing him and everyone else to hold onto hope a little longer than i had.

my stomach tied into knots, rethinking what kakashi was saying before i left again. i had promised something i was beginning to believe i couldn't possibly deliver. i wanted kakashi, too, but pain was quickly becoming one of my worst nightmares. pain had assured he would personally take the nine-tails, and i would be stupid to think he wasn't going to take action sooner than later, especially after my betrayal towards him for jiraiya's sake. i attempted to rack my brain around how little time i would have left before i would be forced to return home again, and once more face the rinnegan. pain knew my name, though i wasn't sure how much else he knew about me; what i was capable of. anyone strong enough to kill jiraiya would certainly be konoha's maker; i feared that in order to beat him, the price to pay from it may not amount to the damage he can cause. without naruto, i was nothing. without kakashi, i was nothing. without jiraiya, i am nothing, and without itachi, too. i had spent my life attempting to surpass minato, but i always knew it was a far reach; in this situation, minato would know exactly what to do. he would know how to protect kakashi, naruto, konoha and me all while dealing with pain. me - i couldn't even begin to devise a plan.

i couldn't sleep at all, and if pain was so powerful, i was certain he would wait until morning to attack, likely to test his abilities on the fact that almost every ninja would be trying to take him on at once. the sand village was too far away; getting there would take days, if not weeks for civilians. my stomach turned and my teeth chattered, wondering what would happen to the innocent lives destined to be ruined and taken by someone like pain. was I destined the same? would kakashi survive? i couldn't help but wonder where naruto could be now - i hated to think that he already found out about jiraiya. what if i was wrong?

"do you blame yourself?" itachi's voice was eerily close, though i knew better than to panic this time. i exhaled, practically feeling the red-eyed shinobi staring at how pathetic i looked right now. the room was dark, too dark to see a thing around me. still, the feeling of his presence felt like a weight on my chest, forcing me to take deep breaths. my silence was enough of an answer for him, and i didn't think i could have this conversation with anybody living, i hardly wanted itachi here. a part of me wanted to despise itachi for dragging me deeper into this mess, but it was hard to stay angry with the dead. "how many is it, now?"

"sixteen."

before i could even question how swiftly the number came to mind after such a seemingly simple question, i felt as though itachi knew my every thought by now, as the ghost of him had little issue stalking my life. there was fourteen, until itachi passed. he was fifteen - even if i had no direct involvement with his death, jiraiya was certainly my own selfishness; wanting nothing more than the old man to forgive me, i left him alone with pain.

"pain will be coming to konoha," he reminded, forcing my eyes to squeeze shut in a wince. even as a ghost, his voice sounded hopeful, as if he was begging me to return home; i had planned on doing so. "you know what he wants, right?"

"yeah," i breathed, images of naruto over the years flashing through my mind in an instant. it wasn't sorrow that i felt, more like a longing feeling; i just wanted him to know me - the real me - not as the rogue older sister.

sitting up in complete darkness, my exhausted limbs moved my body against my own will. even as i moved through the dark room, i continued to feel itachi's presence nearly hover over me, stopping just as i did before kneeling down, ripping at the soft carpet as the only light being provided was that from the moon, itself. pulling at the wood beneath the carpet, i felt itachi follow me below the floorboards, reaching upwards for the lightbulb above me. gently twisting, the room illuminated entirely. no sign of itachi was near, but i still felt him, and the black duffle bag i had packed years ago sat in a pile of dust. eagerly unzipping the lone bag in the extremely tiny crawl space, i quickly retrieved what i needed; more kunai straight from minato, himself; a kitana that stretched the length of my arm and it's holster; paper bombs hidden in the pockets, as i was a paranoid teenager, living on my own for the first time. they were weapons - more like remnants from my past - i hadn't touched them in years. i wasn't going to die, or worse, let naruto or kakashi die, without depleting all of my resources. any weapon i used to have a gift with in my training years was coming with me, strapped to my back and sides.

"you'll be killed or captured," itachi warned just as i hoisted myself back into the main room, bringing my feet up with me to stand straight. i still couldn't see him, so it was easy to pretend he wasn't there; that it was all in my head.

kicking the floorboard back into place with a single foot, the noise was certain to wake any neighbors. i eyed the spot i suspected itachi would be standing in, looking away quickly as i grabbed onto the boots i had lazily kicked from my feet immediately after laying down. i hadn't slept in at least two days - i couldn't. my mind was constantly flooding with konoha, naruto, kakashi, and now, jiraiya. somehow, itachi has made his way into my thoughts; i was uncertain if it was from the guilt and my mind playing tricks on me, or if he was really there. my silence was a clear sign that i no longer cared for his warnings; i wasn't listening to another word. i was a three hour journey from konoha, uncertain when - or if - pain would arrive looking for naruto.

as much as i would have enjoyed the company, i left without giving itachi - or his voice - a second thought. i didn't need to be slowed down by anybody. for all i knew, pain was already there. for all i knew, everyone i loved was already dead. these torturing thoughts pushed my exhausted body to keep running. halfway through the journey, the sun began to rise over the horizon. the normally relaxing scent of the crisp morning breeze nearly made me gag as my anxiety grew heavy. i didn't stop for a moment, afraid that if i did, my body would finally give in beneath my feet out of exhaustion. i knew better than to fight in these conditions, at least normally. still, i remembered the seemingly blur of a moment when i watched naruto get even slightly wounded for my sake. i hoped and prayed to every god i could think of that i would be granted that same energy, that same rage. i had a feeling that pain wasn't going to die without it; i needed to be angry right now. i tried picturing jiraiya in order to feed into said rage, nearly running into trees several times as i would constantly squeeze my eyes shut and shake the haunting image from my mind.

so stupid.

i hated myself for telling kakashi that i loved him, and everything else that came from my mouth the day prior. if i loved anyone in this world it was him, however, there was no guilt more hard to swallow than nearly assuming i wouldn't make it out of konoha alive this time. konoha. it was hard to not picture the day kakashi attempted to teach me chidori. it was like hitting a brick wall, knowing mom and dad weren't waiting there for me. a brother that loathed the sight of me; i had nothing but memories. i was a mere shell of a human, feeling nothing but pain or guilt. guilt for kakashi, naruto, jiraiya, itachi - just to name a few. pain that it wasn't home i was returning to. i was going to the place where nobody tolerates or accepts me, or anyone like me.

the scent of cooked pastries of nearby homes quickly faded as i passed through another small town. fire filled my nose, much like the disgusting stench of a cigarette that i couldn't stand as a kid. it was more than a simple fire, withering away in the morning light. i smelled burning wood, plastic, and - flesh? particles of dust entered my airway in a rapid rate, getting closer and closer to konoha only to stand before a destroyed hidden village; buildings were collapsing, summoned creatures wandered the streets of the village i loved. i felt frozen in time, watching the world burn down before me as i stood near the tree line. smoke erupted from numerous buildings, people were screaming and yelling. the metallic scent of blood replaced the sweet scent of opening restaurants. nothing had caused this much chaos since the nine-tails attack, nearing sixteen years ago.

"rei namikaze?" a tiny voice calling from my left forced me from my horrific trance, quickly looking over to see a slug - likely tsunade's summon - slithering towards me, breathing heavily. the insect moved quickly, directly into the palm of my hand as i kneeled down to pick her up from the ground.

"what happened?" i asked, already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it for myself as my jaw trembled.

"pain. he's come looking for naruto," she softly spoke, making my uneven breath hitch. the slug slowly moved up my arm, likely sensing my shock even after expecting this for hours beforehand.

"where is naruto?" i asked, once more fearing the answer. if he wasn't fighting and making a scene, i expected the worst. the slug perched on my shoulder, slightly hiding behind my neck. her hesitancy shook me to my core; pain is already in possession of him, destroying konoha for the fun of it.

"lady tsunade doesn't think it's wise for a lot of people to know -"

"please," i cut her off, glaring at the ninja lying lifeless about fifty meters from our spot. the slug seemed hesitant still, but sighed. as much as i feared my thoughts were true, i needed to confirm it before i went in. if naruto was already taken, i would have nothing to lose but my own life.

"he is out of konoha, training with the toads like jiraiya did," she softly spoke, as if someone near would eavesdrop in on our conversation.