She remembers back when she first started losing weight. How everyone congratulated her for it. She remembers her mom's "finally decided to lose some weight, huh?" and her friend's "wow you've lost a lot of weight!"

She remembers how it fueled her on, how it motivated her be more. How can something be bad if it's so good for her? How could it ever kill her if it made her feel more alive?

She remembers the first few days, how she found the right position to push her finger down her throat. She remembers how sitting on the floor next to the toilet was better than standing up. She remembers feeling so accomplished for knowing this.

She remembers dreaming about getting all she ever wanted (what did she even want? what the fuck was it she actually wanted?) and remembered feeling so much closer to it each time she emptied herself into the bowl. She remembered imagining how the bowl was taking away everything that was wrong with her.

She remembers thinking about it so flippantly, ignoring how harmful it is and just thinking of it as a necessary step. Just one step to reach her goal.

Just one step. One.
One fucking step

(it's never just one. never. never listen to the voice that says "just one" and kill it. kill that fucking voice)

She remembers ignoring her beating heart and her aching conscience. She remembers ignoring the constant thoughts of her parents and friends finding out. Their disgust, her shame. She remembers ignoring everything that was hurting within her and focusing (always focusing on the wrong things. always always always fucking always) on everything she knew she'll never gain (in her heart she always knew. she knew she knew but she ignored it. of course she did).

She remembers being so tired of everything. She remembers feeling so hopeless, looking around for someone to notice her, someone to see everything she was hiding and just... help her get it all out. She remembers feeling so incredibly lonely even though she did it to herself (it was always her fault in the end).

She remembers everything she wishes she could erase and she tried to forget it. But she can't forget, can she? She can't be so sweet to herself. So she just keeps remembering. It's her fault, anyway. (when has it ever been anyone else's?)

kill me
please
this isn't who i want to be
let me become someone else
please please kill me
i don't want to be here