"Anyone who reads the Qur'an is likely to be struck by the unique nature of its construction, its unusual and constantly shifting rhythms and the sudden transmutations and displacements in its subject matter. At first this ever changing literary terrain seems an obstacle to understanding, but the more time one spends with this book, the more natural the flow of its words feel. It is almost like flying over an ever-changing landscape - rolling valleys punctuated by jagged rocks, forests and plains giving way to mountains, high plateaus broken by deep lakes, deserts sprinkled with oasis' and cleft by canyons. Despite the variety of the forms, despite the startling contrast of adjacent features, a complex beauty underlies and unites all the various elements.

Abdul Rehman went straight to the mosque in the building, just a small room on the second floor where everyone came to pray. There was no one inside. A small shelf held a couple of books and Quran, in the corner of the room. He went straight to the shelf, and went through the books. There was a book named "nafs." He sat down with it. It was a really small book. He took out a random page and began reading. The heading of the page read, "Types of Nafs."

"There are three types of Nafs.

1.       This is the commanding soul - but it is not one which commands but rather it is a self which is commanded by it's host of impulses and desires. It wanders distracted or seeks out satisfaction of its wants and justifies its behavior to itself so that it can continue doing what it does, it tends to trap itself in a habitual, or addictive state. At this stage the person is like a kingdom in chaos, where the citizens are desires, lust, moods, impulses, and egoism and the self is a slave to them being pulled this way and that way in response to their demands. This type of nafs is explained in Surah Yusuf, 

 "And I do not hold my soul free from sin. Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."

2.       Next is the blaming soul. This is the nafs that is in constant Jihad with itself. It does not rest in peace. The person has become aware of a higher, deeper reality and struggles to center his consciousness towards a bigger cause that is even more important than his own desires and lusts. He is pulled into different directions by his desires and his true goal in life, to please his Lord. He blames himself when he sins and feels guilty. He then tries to make amends, asks for forgiveness from Allah to gain the sense of peace that is achieved only when he knows that Allah has forgiven him and is happy with him. The Quran explains this kind of nafs in Surah Qiyamah, "And by oath of the soul that accuses itself.

3.       Finally, the Quran talks about the third type of nafs which is the soul at peace, or nafs mutma'inna. In surah Fajr,

"O you peaceful soul. Return to your Lord in a way that you satisfied with Him and He pleased with you. So, enter you, among My chosen men. And come to My Garden."

This is the soul that gives itself to Allah's orders and does everything for His pleasure. At this stage, he sacrifices every desire that takes him away from his Lord. Even though he gives up all his wishes, his heart is still happy and at peace because it beats only in the love of Allah.

The person witnesses Allah's signs on the horizons and within their own nafs. Their own self (nafs) becomes a place where His signs are disclosed and manifest themselves.

"Soon will We show them our Signs on the horizons, and within their own nafs, until it becomes manifest to them that this is the Truth." (41:53)

When the self is an abode of peace then in the quiet of this abode it becomes possible to witness this manifestation. It is said that God manifests himself in the silences of the soul - so one who is always distracted and busy with the internal noise of desires, passions, distractions, egoism etc. will never be truly conscious of his Lord. Just as the depths of a pond become invisible when the surface water is in constant rough motion, our own depths become invisible when we are in constant agitation and movement.

Allah says in the Quran, "Have you seen the one who makes his own desire his God" (25:43)

And "He followed his own desire. So his example is like that of a dog: if you chase him he pants, or if you leave him, he [still] pants." (7:176)

Everyone has a different relationship with his nafs, some are at peace with it and some in battle and some are enslaved by the hunger it creates within a man for the worldly desires.

Al Hasan Al Basri said that two thoughts roamed over the soul, one from Allah and the other from Shaytaan. There is mutual attraction for both in a person's heart. If a person gives in to his desires, becomes a slave of all the needs of the material world, or the wants of the needy soul within him, he is letting his heart be won over by shaytaan. But, if his nafs is engaged in a battle with all the wrong in his heart, and tries to win it in every possible way, than this is the heart that beats only for the love of Allah. He tries to please Allah in everything he does, and his heart finds solace in only one deed, that is in prostration to Allah. His heart is enlightened and at peace.

Abdul Rehman reflected on what he read. He wanted to look into his heart. He wanted to look at his soul. He wanted to know what lied within him. He knew if his soul was presented before his eyes at that moment, it would be black in colour. He imagined it filled with shame and guilt with its head lowered, its shoulders stooped. That was what he felt right now. He turned another page of the book. There were a couple of Ayah written.

"And be ye not like those who forgot Allah, and He made them forget their own souls! Such are the rebellious transgressors!" (Surah Al-Hashr, 19)

"When angels take the souls of those who die in sin against their souls, they say: "In what (plight) were ye?" They reply: "Weak and oppressed were we in the earth." They say: "Was not the earth of Allah spacious enough for you to move yourselves away (From evil)?" Such men will find their abode in Hell,- What an evil refuge!"(Surah An-Nisa, 97)

"Is he, then, to whom the evil of his conduct is made alluring, so that he looks upon it as good, (equal to one who is rightly guided)? For Allah leaves to stray whom He wills, and guides whom He wills. So let not thy soul go out in (vainly) sighing after them: for Allah knows well all that they do!" (Surah Fatir, 8)

A shiver passed through his body. Allah makes the evil seem as good to those He wants to lead astray. Was he one of those people? He didn't consider his sin as a sin just to give himself the satisfaction that he was not wrong. How could he do that to himself? He had wronged his own self. He had caused harm to his own soul and heart. Can a human being be more dangerous to his own self, except when he is in sin?

"Verily Allah will not deal unjustly with man in aught: It is man that wrongs his own soul." (Surah Yunus, 44)

Justice? He didn't want justice. He wanted a second chance. Justice couldn't prevent him from going to hell, mercy would.

"Every soul that hath sinned, if it possessed all that is on earth, would give it in ransom: They would declare (their) repentance when they see the penalty: but the judgment between them will be with justice, and no wrong will be done unto them."(Surah Yunus, 54)

He looked around him. He looked at all that belonged to him. All that Allah had given him, and in return he had sinned repeatedly. He had never thanked Him for all that he had been given. He kept going against Him and He kept providing for him and his family way more than they needed. He thought about what Ma'az had said to him, about mercy and forgiveness. It is not Allah that distances Himself from us, it is indeed us. Instead of going towards Him, we go in the opposite direction. And He, what does He do? He waits. He waits for us to come back to Him. He keeps providing for us, and stays where He is. He doesn't look away or leave us alone for sinning. He is there with us through the sin, through the good. The moment we realize our mistake and feel guilty and ashamed, He is there all ready to forgive and welcome us back to Him. We go walking towards Him, He comes running. He has his arms wide open for us. He remembered an ayah he had read long ago. "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."

Even to me? Will He respond even to me? He could feel the distance that he had put between Allah and his own self. He felt like he wouldn't be able to connect now, like there was a network error, and his voice wouldn't reach no matter how much he tried. You see, it is easier for a person who didn't get a chance to understand Allah or a kafir to turn to Allah, because they haven't experienced the closeness with their Lord before, but Abdul Rehman was once a spiritual man. He used to pray and he used to talk to Allah. The connection was fine then. But the shame of turning away from Allah was eating him right now. He had turned away. He had started skipping prayers as he got busier in life and slowly the connection was lost. He wanted to hide his face away in shame, somewhere Allah couldn't see him, but there was no such place. After almost two years, he had suddenly realized that Allah was watching him. He looked up. The roof the small room had this ayah written on it.

"Whatever you may be doing, and whatever portion you may be reciting from the Quran, and whatever deed you may be doing, We are Witness thereof, when you are doing it. And nothing is hidden from your Lord (so much as) the weight of an atom on the earth or in the heaven. Not what is less than that or what is greater than that but is in a Clear Record" (10:61).

His throat tightened, and he took a deep sigh. He began nodding to himself, "yes, You are indeed watching," he said in a low voice. 

He looked up again. "Ya Allah?" he called slowly. He waited a while before calling again, louder this time, "Ya Allah?"

"Ya Allah, I know you are angry with me, but I also know that you are looking at me right now and also listening to me. We stop talking to the person we are angry at. We start ignoring them, stop listening to them, but Ya Allah you always listen to us. However angry you are at us, You listen when we call upon You. When we say, "Ya Allah," you look down at us and listen to our excuses, most of which we make up to make our own selves feel better. I remember the story about a man who was drunk and had a bottle of alcohol with him while walking down the road. When he saw hazrat Umar R.A coming towards him, he prayed to you, called upon you to help him. He asked you to protect him from Umar, and he will stop drinking after that. When Hazrat Umar R.A asked him, what was he hiding behind him, he answered that it was a bottle of milk. When Hazrat Umar R.A looked at it, it was indeed a bottle of milk. Ya Allah, you probably saw a sincerity in that drunk man's heart that no one will ever understand, and you helped him and forgave him. Ya Allah, such is your love for the sinners. You may never find that level of Tawakkal in my heart ever, as I am a very sinful person Ya Allah, but I won't even ask you to look in my heart and see the shame and guilt that is eating me from inside, because even that might be less for the mountain of sins I have brought to you today. Instead, I will ask you to look at your mercy. Ya arhamar Rahimeen, I plead you to look at your Rehmat, which you have promised us in the Quran. When you remind us of sins, you also remind us of Your Rehmat. Ya Rehman, Ya Raheem, please forgive my sins. I have wronged my own soul. I turned against your will, and found nothing but loss at every step. I lost the peace that was once in my heart due to Your remembrance. When I forgot about You, I forgot my own self. I have every material thing in the world, but no happiness. Ya Allah please forgive me, and make me come back to You. Make it easier Ya Allah, the journey towards You. There is nothing I want more than You looking down at me happily, and not with anger. Take everything from me Ya Rabb, but grant me the satisfaction of being completely Yours. My heart belongs to You Ya Allah, take away the love of Duniya from it. It is dark and it is dirty with all the lusts and desires, Ya Rabb, so enlighten it with your Noor."

He had gone into Sajdah, and was crying hysterically. He kept repeating all the Du'as that he remembered. He felt a sense of peace after a while. His eyes were red and puffy, and he got up to pray Maghrib. He kept sitting in the mosque after praying when Ma'az entered. He had probably come to pray. "Ma'az, how do you know if Allah has forgiven you?" He asked him.

"When you win over your nafs, and it becomes easier for you to leave the sin for which you asked forgiveness, then you know." Abdul Rehman smiled at him, and patted him on the back, "Thank you Ma'az."

As Abdul Rehman left the mosque, his phone began ringing. It was Aaliya. He smiled. He knew what to do. He picked up the call, "We need to talk Aaliya."