How am I so perfect?

Easy: I have to be. Being perfect—is what I'm good at.

   "Yeonjun Hyung, do you want to order sea food?"

    I peel my eyes off of my reflection staring back at me in the fish tank barrier, separating the restaurant in two. An orange and blue fish swims by. Why can't I go through a simple life pretty like you? I hide that my eyes were examining myself by letting them follow the fish out of view before turning towards my members.

   I lick my lips, making sure even that inch of me is perfect and shining.

   "Yeah, sure Gyu. You guys—order whatever you want." Their played up reactions and cheers don't even pull the strings to form a smile on my face but I force gravity to let me smile. I force myself to smile. I pull my own puppet strings. Act perfect.

   Their voices overlap each other. Well, all of their voices except Soobin's. He sits there silently, like always. He smiles and laughs, melting and falling behind HueningKai who sits beside him on the booth. Soobin and I sit on the side of the booth with the aquarium, letting me see him face to face. I can see his side profile in the watery reflection. Something about the glint in his eyes changes in it. Something about it screams. It says, "I'm drowning."

   His eyes turn to mine, holding mine captive. His eyes crinkle as he smiles, teeth shining. He looks like the pinnacle of happiness, a ball of sunshine. There is no remnant of the drowning boy in the reflection.

   "Hey." Soobin's smile softness. His eyes come closer. Warmth. He reaches across the table, taking my hand in his. Lightly. So, so lightly, he rubs circles on my hand. It's so warm on my cold skin. I'm always so cold recently. "Thanks Hyung, for-for coming to eat with us." My gears shift, halting for a split second, but I don't think that shows on my visage: I'm too well trained, too well practiced, too perfect.

   "Yeah, Yeah. Of course I would." I return his soft smile but I have to work to focus on my words: his heat distracts me too much. I have to squeeze his hand tightly for a second to ground myself.

   "Umm, it's just—" His eyes drift downwards, away from my gaze and to our intertwined hands. A deep and gentle hum sounding like rich honey drips from his mouth. He licks his lips, small pink tongue delicately curving around his plump lips. Focus. Yeonjun, focus. I have to remind myself. "—you've lost a lot of weight in a year. You should eat comfortably now Hyung." My expression cracks, eyebrows pulling together as I forget about his lips and stare into his eyes. Immediately, I move to open my mouth, ready to try and defend myself. "And-and—" Soobin gives me a warning look, quickly trying to finish speaking before I can interject. "—you never want to come out with us. W-we always invite you b-but...but you always say you don't w-wan-t to come. I don't know.." He stutters over his own tongue, voice getting smaller as each word spills out. I don't even realize I am harshly biting my lip until I move to speak again. My teeth scrap against my bottom lip as I let it out from my harsh grip.

   Our hand movements have stopped.

We hold each other's hands in a chokehold, waiting for the other to drop.

   "Yeah, well you know how tired I've been. I'd rather sleep than eat hah..." I almost have to clear my throat, almost trip over my words, but I'm too perfect for that so I take a second to collect my thoughts. "I'm working out more so I've been eating before workouts at like five in the morning and once I get back. Sorry I can't eat with you guys more."

    Except that meal I have in the morning is a gross green drink. And I don't eat again once I get back. But flavor doesn't matter. Fitting into my stage outfit, that matters.

    "Nae, I know Hyung. You're eating very healthy nowadays. I just miss hanging out like-like this—" Soobin looks at our surroundings gently, at all of our members' happy faces.

    I force a smile on my face.

    "Aww binie, you miss hyungie? Aww kuiyeopda!" Soobin's breathtaking smile takes over his face. His nose scrunches up, innocent sparkles popping up in his iris. It is like the whole world is sitting there. What is it like to hold something precious like innocence in your eyes? If I held him, could I almost feel it? If I had him in the palm of my hand, could I crush it? It is like the world is sitting there as the whole galaxy implodes.

    He pulls his hand off mine, replacing it over his smile. The short time it takes until his warmth is back on me is too much. The soft crown of curls on his head dances as he gently shakes.

   "No, no. Hah agioo, you are too much Hyung." I play up the act, adding aegyo and blowing kisses.

    That's working. He's dropping it. My brain is trying not to scatter, my nerves running to dead ends as I try to come up with excuses. But why do I need excuses? My eating is fine. I'm eating fine right now. I ordered a normal meal. Honestly, I ordered the most food out of the members: cheat day. I'm just trying to be healthy most days.

     My brain coaches me through the situation: reassure him, one last comment, solidify it. I don't enjoy people prying or questioning me.

"Hyung will try to eat with you more. Yesterday, I had chicken!" I put an overexcited facial expression on and pretend to rub my belly, earning cute little giggles to spill out between Soobin's hand covering his mouth. I'm not lying, not exactly. I did eat chicken. I ate it five days ago. I let myself indulge. I'm just trying to be healthy. "How about this." I give him a quizzing look, now earning his complete attention. "We go eat, just the two of us, on Monday. Okay? We only have three schedules that day."

   His whole face lights up. I'd be lying if I said that didn't ease me.

    "Nae! Nae. That sounds g-good. Sounds perfect." Our hand movements resume. As I grasp onto his warmth, he draws on my cold skin. I'm too focused on his eyes, on his smile, on that cute puffiness under his eyes that makes him look younger. I'm too focused on his lips, on his teeth, on the way the corners of his mouth turn up. I'm too focused on him that I can't register the shapes he's drawing on my hand, the loops pricking at my memory. He is not drawing; he is writing. I can't decipher the words, there is too much brightness in his eyes.

    "Yah, stop flirting: foods here. You can plan your date later." Taehyun pokes his needle in our bubble, forcing our moment to quickly die, like an audience member just clicking the movie off.

    Embarrassed, a blush creeps up my cheeks. I yank my hand away, scratching the back of my neck. Soobin seems unfazed though, completely unbothered. He just pouts at Taehyun and whines for them to pass the food. Kai wraps his arm around Soobin's astonishingly small waist, frown tugging at Huening's blank face.

"Food! Food! Food!" Beomgyu hits his chapsticks on the table, cutely copying every cliché movie scene.

    What was I thinking? I'm just Choi Yeonjun. Why would perfect Choi Soobin need a moment to recover after staring into my eyes? Why would Choi Soobin ever want to linger there longer?

   I'm not good enough.

   Not yet.

   I ate all of my dinner that night.

   I felt sick.

Author's note:
Compared to my other story, this one will develop fast.

Get ready for drama right from the get go.
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I hope this chapter was okay. I hope I'm not being to forward or spilling stuff too soon. But trust me, there is a LOT more coming...
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Question: so far, what, if any, possible disorders and for who, have you noticed?
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    I'm sorry this chapter was awkward and poorly written. It's like every time I write nowadays I hate the chapter more. Like, I didn't think it was possible to write worse than the last chapter but now I'm like "bam!" You did it. Sorry.

I love you.

How was your day? I hope you are feeling well.

If you ever need to talk, I'm always here.