The next week was painful. The funeral arrangements needed to be done and Chris came up with his little family to help us. I don't even think he realized I was in Arizona or any of what happened. He was confused when things would be brought up and Lindsey offered to explain later.

"So you fell off the deep end again, sis?" He asks, sitting at the table with us while mom was upstairs.

"I don't really want to talk about it, Chris. At least not right now."

"I will discuss it with you later, once again." Lindsey says, trying to stop his questioning but as always, it never does.

"Coke or pills?" He asks

"Neither, Chris. Please, our father has died and I'd prefer not to..."

"So what was it then?"

"Chris..." Lindsey warns and it gets heated fast.

"Step off, man. I'm trying to talk to my sister"

"Well, you're upsetting her. I'm her husband and it's my job to take care of her"

"You did a fan-fuckin-tastic job of it, Lindsey, considering she needed treatment again"

"I didn't go to rehab. I dealt with it on my own, with the help of doctors and counselors at the house. You're right down the road and you never once came by"

"Don't you blame me for your old habits creeping back up! You have kids now, Stevie!"

"I know!"

"That's pretty selfish, I'd say"

"No one asked you" Lindsey tells him.

"Fuck you. Stevie needs to get her shit together and stop acting like a kid, going and doing whatever she wants all the time. I heard her little Two Voices thing was trash. Washed up fucking whore prancing around on stage...give it up already."

"Shut up, Chris. Seriously" Lindsey warns again and Chris takes that as a challenge.

"It's over, Stevie. You're not some hot rock chick anymore. You're old, you're done. You're lucky to have had Aria but Willow...your eggs are probably fucking dust by now. And you don't need anymore kids...."

"That's it" Lindsey says and picks Chris up from the chair.

"Where is this coming from?" I ask, tears falling down my face.

"I'm just tired of the Stevie and Lindsey show. Our dad dies and you're top priority still"

"I'm in recovery. I'm sorry if people are concerned"

"Why are you always doing this to her, Chris? You're always fighting with her and she forgives you time and time again. I'm starting to think you don't deserve it"

"She forgave you, didn't she? Fucking some chick in LA while she's pregnant with your kid. That's pretty low"

"Stop, please" I beg but it continues.

"And for your information, Chris, Stevie is an amazing mother. You know that so I don't know why you act like she isn't. You can see for yourself."

"Well she's been pretty weird since like 2002 so...what am I supposed to think about that?"

"Weird, what are you taking about?"

"Moping, crying all the time...She's a train wreck and I guess her little train came right off the rails this time"

"You know nothing of what you speak, sit down" I tell him but he doesn't.

"Then fill me in, educate me" he says and his tone is vile.

"Fine. I was moping and crying all the time, as you put it, because we had a miscarriage. It was a dangerous, very high risk pregnancy and we lost the baby. Are you happy now? I'm allowed to be sad"

"Shit..." he says, falling into the chair.

"But I mean, I should have expected that since I'm so incredibly old and decrepit and my eggs are dust right? God, you're such an asshole, Christopher"

"I'm sorry..."

"No, you aren't."

"How far along were you?"

"Do you really care?" He nods. "12 weeks. I thought we were safe but we obviously weren't."

"I'm sorry, Stevie" he says and I say nothing.

"Maybe we should take a break" Lindsey says, trying to break the tension and we all disburse. "Steph, do you want to go back to your house? The girls would probably like to play with you."

"I need a minute, baby"

"Can I hold you?"

"Please" I say and he motions for me to walk into his waiting arms. "I love you"

"I love you too"

"I wish he wouldn't have brought up the baby again. I want to deal with one thing at a time. God, I want a drink."

"No, no you don't. You don't want it and you don't need it." He says, pulling apart to look into my eyes. "You are sad, very sad. So am I but we have to feel, Steph. We can't run away because it hurts. Hold my hand and we can make it through anything"

"I want to believe you"

"One day at a time, Steph. Lean on me a little, let me help." I nod, knowing I can trust him with anything. My safe place, my rock. He's always been that for me. He makes me a sandwich and sits at the counter with me. "If you need me, I'm here. I know it didn't feel like you could come to me but you can."

"Thank you, Lindsey" I tell him and lean in for a kiss. He leans in to meet me half way and it sparks a fire as our lips touch. "Will you..." I begin.

"Will I...?"

"I know we haven't...been together in weeks because we were supposed to be healing our relationship and that night you came over after our talk and dinner with the girls...that wasn't supposed to happen, and it didn't really I guess but..."

"You're rambling"

"Sorry, um...would you like to go upstairs and--"

"Yes" he says, cutting me off and I have to giggle at his enthusiasm. "But are you sure? You were just so sad and crying and with everything happening, I don't want you to make a decision without thinking it through"

"Believe me. I've thought it through every night. In my bath with candles all around, in the shower..."

"You really...?" He asks with a gulp and beads of sweat spring to his brow.

"Yes" I tell him, biting my lip. "I'm begging for your touch, Lindsey"

"You don't have to beg"

"Take me to bed then" I say and he scoops me up, practically jogging up the stairs with me in his arms.

"We have to be quiet."

"Oh I feel so bad for doing this." I say.

"Have you changed your mind?"

"No, I just...I kind of want to go back to my house. Not where my mother can hear us."

"We have kids at home, though"

"Karen is taking them out today" I say, remembering what she told me last night.

"You're a genius" he says, kissing me. "I'm going to tell Barb we will be right back, we just have an errand to run."

"Oh I feel horrible"

"Don't, Chris is here to keep her company and we will be right back."

"Okay, but hurry. I've been such a bad girl"

"I will. And when I get you home, you will be in big trouble" he kisses me again and leaves the room. This has to be one of the best bad ideas I've ever had.