Maybe it was late at night or early in the morning. It was raining hard, the thunder would shake the house and the lightening would illuminate my bedroom like the sun, even with all the lights off in the house. I put on one of my Joni's and start shuffling things around in my room. I push all the unnecessary items into the nursery and stare at it's barely begun progress. Frozen in time.

"Take it easy, Steph. In a couple of weeks we can start making this home for B3."

"A couple of weeks?"

"Yeah... too soon?"

"No, um...but I already bought a couple things"

He chuckles "I'm excited too" he tells me, wrapping his arms around me. "What did you buy?"

"Nothing really, just a couple outfits and blankets....a rocking chair, a crib...."

"That's not a lot at all!" He says, teasing me.

"I'm just so happy. I couldn't help myself. We haven't told anyone and it doesn't feel real. This made me so happy"

"Well alright but since you apparently went shopping when I was away, you definitely need to rest. I want a healthy wife and a healthy baby"

"I can do that" I say, complying to his wishes and he kisses me gently, a hand coming to rest on my belly.

"I can't wait to meet you" he says, pulling away to speak to the baby. "Help mama rest, okay buddy?"

"What are you doing, you crazy man?" He had been down there conferring with my navel for a few minutes now and only part of it was audible.

"Excuse me, lady, but I'm speaking to my son." He says playfully. "You said you think it's a boy, right?" I nod and he smiles. "I think so too. And what a special boy he will be." After one final kiss, I go to our room, falling asleep easily knowing this baby was so very loved by everyone who knew of him and that one day I would show him his beautiful room that mama had much too eagerly prepared.

Tears are falling down my face. Wine cannot drown out the emptiness I feel within me as I lay on my newly created gypsy refuge. My hands find my belly and I sob. I can almost slip back into the memories, feeling the tiny bump that had formed almost overnight. I can almost hear the excitement in Lindsey's voice when I told him of my feelings. My son, our son. Aria and Willow's baby brother. A carefully chosen name. A tiny, handsome, precious carbon copy of Lindsey, given to us by his grandfathers in a celestial place. I suppose that is the only comfort I can find in this. My little boy has the very best influences in the world. Lindsey's father Morris, unyielding when an obstacle arose, propelled forward by strength and determination, my grandfather AJ, warm and kind, full of songs and stories. Our little boy was now one of those great angels watching over all of us, keeping us all safe.

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I felt Lindsey standing over me. He crouched down, took my wine glass and scooped me up into his arms.

"Oh, Stephanie..." he says, shaking his head. "I wish I could take away your pain. I would give anything to give you another baby, or take you back in time and get back what was taken from us so harshly. I wish I could tell you everything you want to know, give you the answers you deserve..." he stops and I feel a tear fall upon my face from above. "You don't know how terribly torn apart I am. I would do anything, absolutely anything, Stevie. I would give my own life to make you happy." He lifts my body up to his face and nuzzles my cheek with his nose, kissing me. "I'm so sorry...I'm so very sorry. I can't lose you too. My heart lays broken in my chest as it is"

He confesses so many secrets of his soul to me, not knowing I'm awake behind my closed eyes. He finally lays me back down and covers me up, pats my hair and leaves the room. I drift back off, haunted by memories both real and fabricated.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good" I say, waking up, holding me in his arms. I always feel so safe there.

"Are you hungry?"

"Starving"

"Then we ought to feed the little demon, shouldn't we?" I nod, giggling as he kisses my belly repeatedly, tickling the soft skin there.

~

"Are you happy?" I ask in the car on the way home from the doctor's office.

"Thrilled! Another beautiful baby. I love you so much."

"I love you too. You've given me the most amazing gift, Lindsey. I can't believe we get this chance again" He kisses my hand and continues driving.

~

Images of my husband and I crying and the torturous wails of grief fill my senses.

"You did it" he screams "this is all your fault"

"No, I tried...I tried my best"

"Your best isn't good enough"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I cry. Lindsey leaves the room.

The scene playing out before me breaks my heart even further. Is that how he really feels? He's never voiced this to me.

~

"There's blood, so much blood!" I cry. The stairs are dripping with it and my long white dress is tattered and soaked in my own blood. I carry a small glass figure of a child in my arms. The baby falls from my arms and smashes to bits. I'm sobbing, my tears mixing with the red stains on my cheeks and chest. "Lindsey!" I scream. "Save us!" I rush up the stairs and I touch his shoulder. "Lindsey" I breathe and he turns around but it isn't my husband that faces me.

"Give it up!" The man screams in my face. "Take it away! There is no time for babies." I cling to him, praying to be rescued and I look up into his face.

"Don..." I back away from him and he steps toward me, going out to a large stone balcony. "Wh-what are you doing?" I ask, tears streaming down my face. My back hits the stone column and he picks me up by the throat over the railing.

"Give it up, give it up" he chants and I struggle in his grasp. "Give it up" His voice booms and the ground shakes as if there is an earthquake. Suddenly I am midair. Falling, I'm falling. I feel the impact of  the ground on my body and it's crushing pressure.

I am jolted awake up, sweating. I sit up abruptly and look around my room. As if by some miracle, Lindsey comes back in and instinctively wraps his arms around me.

"Lindsey...is it you? Let me see you" I whisper, breathless. I touch his face, placing both my hands on his cheeks. I look deeply into his eyes and see it's really him. I hold onto him and he lets me cry. "Don't leave me" I beg, "Never leave me."

"I won't, Steph." He says pulling back. There is so much pain in his beautiful eyes and they're so grey.

"I'm sorry, I should have done better" I tell him.

I can see he doesn't know what I'm talking about but it hurts too much to explain further. "I love you" he tells me and I know it's true. I can feel it's true.

"I love you too, I love you so much, Lindsey. Promise to love me forever"

"I promise. You and only you forever and ever" I look into his eyes again and he manages a small smile, even if only for my benefit. "Do you believe me?" He asks and I nod. He wipes my tears with his thumbs and kisses me. "I would give my life for you. We have to get you better and I will be here every step of the way. You will never be alone"

His words comfort me immensely and eventually my breathing returns to a normal relaxed pace. He sits with me for a while until the girls get up and he shuts the door to give me space. I get up and look at myself in the mirror, shocked at my appearance. Will I ever be the girl I once was? The girl Lindsey fell in love with? I shake my head and slip back into my bed, pulling the covers high over my head. Not even sleep gives me relief but at least I can pretend to disappear for a while.

You called me beautiful
You called your mother-she was very tanned
So you packed your tent and you went
To live out in the Arizona sand
You are a refugee
From a wealthy family
You gave up all the golden factories
To see, who in the world you might be....