I clean myself up in the bathroom and I notice Lindsey is gone. I check everywhere and his car isn't in the driveway. Karen is upstairs and my daughters are asleep. I sigh heavily, pouring myself glass after glass of wine. There is a soft knock on the door and I go to answer it.

"It's late. I thought your girls might be in bed" The explanation isn't necessary, I understand.

"They are, thank you for not ringing the bell"

"Are you okay? You sounded really bad on the phone"

"I'm getting better" I say, raising my wine glass, tossing it back.

"Whoa there!" He says, grabbing the glass from my hand and placing it down on the nearest surface.

I back up and allow him access, and he shuts the door. I stumble and he catches me and I'm staring deep into his eyes.

"How much have you had?" He asks me.

"Not enough" I say with a smirk, echoing what he had told me once.

"Stevie...what's going on?"

"I don't know if you really want to talk about this with me, Don" I say, sitting down on the couch. He sits with me, an arm around my shoulders. I relax into him and put my head on his shoulder.

"Tell me as much as you are able to. I'll listen. You said you needed me and I want to be your friend, at the very least"

I sigh. "Two and a half or three years ago, Lindsey and I renewed our vows. Shortly afterward we were surprised with a pregnancy. We were so excited but also very nervous. We were warned that it could be a difficult pregnancy and I was told to be very careful." Don takes my hand in his and squeezes it comfortingly. "As I'm sure you can figure out, I ended up having a miscarriage and it devastated me. I was in such a bad place, it was worse than Sara"

"Oh, Stevie..."

"Lindsey shut it out. He won't talk about it to this day and I feel like I haven't healed. We threw ourselves into work and avoided these sad feelings. I'm so busy this year and I've been missing a lot of precious time with my family. It was never my intention but it's so hard to stay here and go through life when I'm still thinking about the baby we lost. I imagine how they would look, calculate how old they would be when a special occasion arises..."

"That's no way to live, honey"

"I know. I'm so heartbroken, Don" I weep and he holds me tight.

"Shhh, baby" he soothes, running his hand over my hair and pressing a feather light kiss to my forehead.

"I wanted that baby so badly. I know I was too old, I know it was the wrong time, I know Willow was too little but I was so happy to be pregnant"

"I've watched a couple of your interviews you did while pregnant with your girls. You were so radiant and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have no doubt that you looked just as incredible with your third little one. Your happiness shined right through."

"Thank you" I whisper. "I lost them at 12 weeks. I thought for sure we were safe. I was right at the end of my first trimester and I was feeling really good. I was just starting to show."

"I love that stage." He tells me. "Where it's still a quiet, intimate secret"

"Me too. And I love being pregnant, I love being a mother. It was my very last chance. I keep wondering what I did wrong. I go over what happened that day over and over and the symptoms I was having only lasted an hour before I was taken to the hospital. I had one little cramp to start when I was putting my children to bed, then the bleeding started right away...I'm sorry if this is too much information for you. I can stop"

"No, you need to talk" he sniffs and I see a tear escaping his eye. I've never ever seen him cry before. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're a great mom, Stevie. I always knew you would be and I was so stupid back then. We could have had that baby and I guess it's all finally catching up to me how evil of a person I was...am"

"We were young and stupid" I tell him, if only for his comfort.

"Don't dismiss this. What if I caused this? What if when I made you have that abortion, it caused problems for you later on? What if your pain is all my fault?"

"I can't do this. I can't go back" I say, getting off the couch and pouring myself another glass of wine in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, Stevie..." he says, touching my shoulder. I turn around and his eyes are so genuine and full of pain. I don't know what comes over me but I kiss him. I pull apart after a moment of lingering on his lips and he stares at me. "Wow..."

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"Don't be" he tells me. We stand there looking into each other's eyes and it happens again. Who started it, I don't know. We begin making out hot and heavy and he lifts me onto the island, the wine glass sliding off and onto the tile floor, smashing into a million pieces but we don't notice. I unbutton his shirt quickly, my hands trembling with anticipation, nerves and excitement. I haven't seen his body in so long. Yes, it has changed but it doesn't bother me either. He pulls my top over my head and unclasps my bra, cupping my bare breasts. "So sexy" he says, as he stands between my thighs. "I love you. I know I haven't said it in a while, but I think I still love you, Stevie"

"Shh!" I say, going back to attacking his mouth with my tongue. I can tell he wants more as his thumbs hook into the waist band of my leggings. I open my eyes as I hear a car pull into my drive and I'm suddenly very sober. "Oh my god, you have to go" He simply nods and buttons his shirt back up. "Did you park out front?" He nods again. "Shit! Be casual, okay?" I kiss him one last time and I hurriedly put my clothes back on and run upstairs to shower. After some time, I hear footsteps in my bedroom as I exit the shower when I'm drying off and I freeze.

"I'm sorry" Lindsey says, wrapping his arms around me, and I relax instantly, releasing a breath I didn't know I was holding in. "I shouldn't have said those terrible things to you. I shouldn't have left you like that. Can you ever forgive me?"

"I've already forgotten" I tell him. He kisses my neck, nuzzling it with his nose.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, Linds"

"I know we have our issues but if you'll still have me, I want to work on it with you. I can't lose you" I look up at he and I in the mirror briefly but I have to look away. I've betrayed his trust and broken our marriage vows. I nod, not knowing what else to do, and he leaves me to finish getting dressed for bed. When I know he is out of earshot, I break down.

Of course I can forgive him, but how is he ever going to forgive me? Especially when I don't think I want to stop....