I step up to the door and hesitate. I turn back to look at Karen and she motions for me to go on. I knock softly and wait. My mother opens the door and she pulls me into a hug right away. Karen drives off, seeing I'm in good hands and I'm brought inside.

"TeeDee's home!" She says excitedly, leading me into the living room. My father is sitting in his chair like a regal king and I rush to hug him.

"I've missed you!" I tell him and he puts his arms around me.

"I missed you too, lily. Are you still writing?"

"Yes all the time!"

"Good. Never lose that. It's such a gift"

"Thank you daddy"

"You look so good!" My mother says.

"Thank you"

"I'm so proud of you! I heard such awful things and I'm so happy to see you're getting better"

"Thank you. I'm sorry so scaring everyone"

"It's okay honey. I'm just so happy you're here! Have you had dinner? I could warm you up something?"

"I'm fine. Can we just sit and talk for a while?"

"Sure, of course. Cup of tea?"

"That would be great"

My mother leaves to make the tea and my father and I talk for a little bit, just catching up. He prefers not to talk about the problems I've been having lately and I'm grateful. I'm dying to feel normal again and my conversation with him has helped so much. My mother returns and places the cup and saucer in front of me on the coffee table and I smile my gratitude.

I hear the front door open and shut, the jingling of keys and footsteps. My mother looks up and a strange expression appears on her face as she waits. A figure walks through the dark hallway and I start to cry as the figure becomes more clear.

"Lindsey..." I say, getting up from the couch.

"Stevie..." he says, looking startled then turns around to leave.

"Please don't go!" I beg, following him down the hallway.

"I thought you were in California." He says.

"I was"

"Then why are you here?" There is a cutting harshness to his speech.

"I thought I heard Willow when I called here last week. You didn't return my calls...what was I supposed to do?"

"Stop crying, Stevie" he says after a couple of silent minutes. "I can't look at you when you do that" I try to obey but I can't. "Do you want to talk?" I nod.

"Fine. Are you staying here or at the house?"

"My house" I answer, feeling hopeful.

"Okay, how about I come over around 1? I know you like to sleep late"

"Okay. Thank you, Lindsey"

"You're welcome." He says and he kind of shuffles his feet a little, not really sure where to go from here. "You look good. Really beautiful"

"Thank you. I wanted to show you my progress. I haven't had a single drop in 4 whole weeks"

"You're doing really good" he says but there is no pride in his words.

"Are Aria and Willow here too?" I ask cautiously and he nods.

"But they're asleep"

"Oh" I'm disappointed and he senses that.

"Would you like to take a little peek before you go?" He asks and I nod.

"If that's okay"

"Of course. You're their mother. They miss you" he says, as we walk upstairs to the room our girls share here.

"Oh my gosh!" I whisper, seeing their little curly heads poking out from under their covers. I feel tears falling down my face again and I bolt.

"Stevie" he whispers fiercely in the dark but I keep walking. "Stevie" he says a little louder. I run down the stairs and I know he's behind me. He reaches out and touches my shoulder, pulling it away quickly when I turn to face him. "What the hell happened up there?"

"I hate myself, Lindsey! I missed so much. You took my babies from me because you couldn't trust me with them!"

"That's not true." He says. "I trust you with them. You're a great mom."

"Then why?"

"Stevie, let's not do this now. We're all tired and I just feel like this screams trouble" I nod, knowing he is trying to spare my already shattered feelings. "We can talk tomorrow"

"Can I give you something?" I go grab my purse and pull out my journal.

"Yeah, uh, sure. What is it?" He asks as I hand it to him.

"Just read it. I want you to have it" He opens the front cover, studying it and I can't bear to watch further. I let my parents know I'm leaving and use their phone to call Karen. I wait in the living room, not speaking, just staring into space and I am shaken out of my thoughts by Lindsey.

"Stevie!" He says, seeing my car pull up.

"Yeah?" I look at him expectantly and I can see he wanted to say something then changed his mind.

"Uh...see you tomorrow." He offers me an awkward smile and I nod, feeling a little better.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow" He opens the door for me and I leave. I see him standing in the doorway but I can't bear to look at him.

"So he was here! How did it go?" Karen asks in the car.

"I'm not really sure" I tell her and she leaves it alone.

We drive back to my house and I go straight to my room. I take off my make up, change my clothes and get into my bed. I hold the pillows close to me, clutching another to my chest and let myself cry. These last weeks have been hell. I saw my daughters today for the first time and they didn't even know I was there. I wanted to badly to hold them and kiss them and apologize to them but I couldn't do anything. I ran. I don't deserve them, I don't deserve Lindsey but I want them all so badly. I look back and I can't believe how different life is. I think back to the beginning of the year and we were the perfect family and now we are broken apart. I broke my marriage vows, I betrayed his trust, I lied to him and cheated on him when he was all I ever wanted. I was just scared he didn't want me.

A/N- I will be posting at least one more update today.