Song: Burned Out by Dodie

Yeah, I'm bringing some more angst. Last jukebox we had a Grian who's fully recovered, so consider this an alternate reality.

Trigger Warnings: Implied self harm, panic attack, dark thoughts, the whole shebang

This is really sad. I warned you. I did project a little when writing the panic attack, so it's a teensy bit based off of a past experience. (The panic attack part. Nothing else, I assure you)

____________________

He was certain
So was I
There was comfort in her sighs,
Dreams and ideas should not be the same thing
You waited smiling for this

Grian had always seemed okay. Despite his past, he always acted like it all was fine.

So no one questioned it. It had been a few years, perhaps he had really moved on.

He was always smiling, pursuing his dreams. No one had suspected it, he'd hid it well.

Oh, she'd want it
If she knew
She could take it, I thought too
Be careful be cautious, but you just wished harder
You waited smiling for this

Grian let out a long sigh as he entered his base after a long day. He dropped the smile, lying on his bed with a blank expression.

Nothing mattered. This life was only temporary, wasn't it? His past was bound to catch up with him. Perhaps if he ran away he could escape it, he could feel his ghosts drawing nearer.

Run away, hide in a new server. He'd been here too long.

But they love you, over and over
They love you
Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine
Aching to find who they are

The hermits would miss him, right? A lot of them were hiding here like him, this place being the only home they had.

But... would they really miss him?

Oh they love you
Oh you can feel how they love you
Coated and warm, but that's all they can do
Words only get through if they're sharp

He was annoying. Breaking redstone that took hours to build, pranking them non-stop, he was just a nuisance.

A little voice in the back of his head was saying that those thoughts weren't true, but he ignored it.

Oh how fitting for one so fake
Make me a fairy whatever it takes
And just like her tale my dream was a scam
You waited smiling for this

Grian bit back tears as he set the blade down. He wrapped clean bandages around his arm and slipped his sweater on, sitting down on the bathroom floor and burying his head in his knees.

They wouldn't care. No one had even hesitated when he'd asked them to kill him for heads. They'd joked that it had "made them feel better" but now Grian was starting to doubt it even was a joke.

I'm burnt out, I smell of smoke, it seeps through her cracks and so I start to choke
Sentences sit in her mouth that are templated
You waited smiling for this

Sobs racked him, thoughts swirling in his head in a grey mess.

A single thought cut through the fog, invading his mind.

What if he left for good? Not just leave the server. Just leave everything. Dissapear.

No one would notice, right?

But they love you, over and over
They love you
Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine
Aching to find who they are

No, the hermits would, right?

The loved him, right?

But when was the last time he collabed with someone?

He always initiated a collab, didn't he? No one ever asked to him to collab.

Oh they love you
Oh you can feel how they love you
Coated and warm, but that's all they can do
Words only get through if they're sharp

Maybe they didn't show affection because they didn't know he needed it.

No, friends always were friendly and stuff. They just didn't want to be around him.

They didn't want to be around him and his disturbing skins and games. He couldn't blame them.

Maybe I'll talk about it

Grian took a shaky breath as he walked around the shopping district. He should just find someone and tell them. They'd understand, right?

Or would they laugh and just tell him to let it go?

I can just talk about it

No, he just needed to get it out of his system. They already knew his past, it wouldn't be hard to say he wasn't recovering.

I'll never talk about it

No he can't. He can't he can't he can't he can't-

No, I cannot talk about it

It's too loud. Too bright, too many colors, too many people-

Since when were there people? There's people here, watching him, staring. Watching him break and shatter, he's just in pieces, they see him as a crybaby, they're staring.

Voiced, voices he can't recognize or make out, muffled whispers. They're talking about him aren't they, they're whispering about the crybaby who broke down over a stupid thing.

Stupid stupid stupid, why couldn't he just let his past go, why was he scared, why was he crying, why was he even FEELING!?!?

Don't build hope on something broken
I am not cartoon
Cry for help, I am not joking

I might just leave soon

There was a hand rubbing comforting circles on his back. Someone was shushing him gently, wiping away his tears.

They were mumbling things, stuff Grian didn't register. Grian opened his eyes a little.

Green armour. Grey helmet. It was Xisuma, XIsuma was safe, Xisuma was okay, Xisuma was the one who'd taken him in at the start.

Don't build hope on something broken
I am not cartoon
Cry for help, I am not joking

I might just leave soon

Strong arms picked him up, holding him securely against a chest. "I'm taking you back to my base, okay? You're gonna be fine, just focus on breathing, can you do that?"

Grian was numb. He was limp, eyes open and glazed over, face wet with tears. He was silent, the breakdown having drained him of his emotions. So he did as he was told and focused on his breathing.

He couldn't leave, not yet.