(Heads up this is going to be yet another rant. There will be cursing and talk of depression.)

Why did everything have to go to shit? Ever since Covid-19 spread everything has turned into a shit show. 

Impossible amounts of lives lost to this virus. And people want to talk about Biden and Trump?! I don't care about that creep Biden or that dumbass Trump! I care about the innocent lives that were lost! And shouldn't we have the Census after the virus dies down?! 

Then again who am I to talk? All I do is waste away in my room playing games and watching TV like nothing's even happening. And I feel ashamed about it. I can't do anything because I'm just a kid.

I know nothing about the people who risk their lives for my country and the people who get by on nothing but scraps alone. I have the good life while people are dying left and right and I would have never even known.

I just feel so ashamed of myself and I hate myself but I know it would be selfish of myself to not even consider how anyone else feels and therefore I hate myself even more!

I just can't help but think I'm selfish even if I'm not... I care about everyone else, I really really do but it's so hard to do anything about it when you're constantly told you can't. 

Every single day I always feel like I'm being repressed, or selfish, or a bitch just because I can't do anything. I take out my anger on everyone else including my brother...

 I know he's trying his best and it's hard to have autism but he needs to keep his temper in check too. 

He curses at me and my parents when he gets mad, whenever anyone asks him to do some chores he flips out and never does them, he's always angery and I just don't want to be around him anymore! 

The dog whines? He yells. He makes a mistake? My dad reasonably corrects him. But then my brother'll flip out!

 I'm sick and tired of hearing that lame old excuse!

 "He's mentally slower than us so it takes time for him to understand his feelings. You just need to give it time and consider his mental state."

 That's bullshit! He's older than me and he should get his fucking act together! Has anyone even considered MY mental state? No!

 I'm depressed all the time and my parents don't even bat an eye at me but if my brother flips out they defend him! It's a shitty excuse and it won't work on me anymore!

I'm so sick of the world going to shit! I hate it all! I just want it to stop! The bullying, the snapping, the yelling, the abuse, everything!

Every. Single. Day.

I have to put on a face. A happy, kind face in hopes that people wouldn't have to see my angry, depressed, face that I hide.

I only show what I want people to see. I only tell people the things that they want to hear just so I can pretend that there's a hope to bring back peace.

But it's stressful not to shout and yell and bottle it all up.

A few days ago I lashed out at my brother because I was worried about the life of my cat.

My beautiful black cat, Belladonna. Or as I call her Bella or Baby Belle. She's a runt but she's MY runt and if anyone grazes a hair on her little head I would have them begging me for death in the blink of an eye.

But a few days ago when my brother went to check her food and water he noticed that the water was red. He yelled to my mom and I that the water was red and I dashed up the stairs. 

You see, Bella has a breathing problem and I thought she might have been coughing up blood or worse.

 We keep her water and food in a room inside the bathroom that was supposed to be a closet but we never used it. It made it convenient to clean up the food she spills. 

But as I asked what was wrong my brother shut the bathroom door to check and he yelled at me. 

I was so worried about my Baby Belle and he thought that he was more suited to check on her than I was. 

I was in total rage and I yelled "WELL FUCK YOU TOO!!!" And stormed off to my room and I cried so hard.

 I NEVER cursed at my brother and it took everybody at surprise. I was convinced that he had somehow hurt my Bella and I was just worried about her.

But I wasn't crying about what I called my brother. Oh no. That was the farthest thing from it. For all I cared he could rot in hell. 

I was crying because I thought my Baby Belle was dead somehow. And I thought my brother somehow killed her. I cried my eyes out. My eyes hurt so bad and my vision went blury for the longest time. My chest ached and I literally thought I would kill my brother. I was filled with pure rage and sorrow. 

Bella was the only one I felt like I could have trusted. I loved her more than my own brother. I would chose her over my brother. For all I knew, my brother was dead meat. He didn't matter to me anymore. He was dead to me. 

After a whole day and night of crying (seriously), I finally opened my door to find my beautiful Baby Belle standing there unharmed. 

 I held her in my arms and started crying again. I was so relieved that she was alright. She was happy to see me too and we cuddled and played untill I calmed down.

I finally went downstairs to get a real explanation. I confronted my mom and she said that she bought these wooden balls that Bella could play with and one got in her water dish and since it was dyed it turned the water red. 

My mom was also pissed with me about my cursing and I apologised. I was just so angry and all the anger over the years got to much to handle and so I lashed out on my brother. I honestly didn't regret it though.

He got what he deserved. He mistreated me for too long and I never did anything about it untill then. I really hated him. And to this day I still hate him. I'll never forgive him for slamming the door in my face and almost sending me tumbling down a flight of stairs.

Every time he goes to talk with me I shut him out and walk away. He's dead to me now. I don't care about him. And I hold grudges to the grave so I won't be forgiving that motherfucking bastard anytime soon.