Okay guys, I've been thinking [which is always a bad thing] and I've noticed, I've tried helping everyone but myself, I've been trying to help my closest friends.

I just can't, I help and some turn their back on me, I stayed up all night last night because I was talking to a 'friend' and in the end she told me to leave her alone that I never cared, and blocked me.

I stayed up, thinking to myself what the hell I did, and I came up. I care too much. I'm fucking throwing myself deeper into depression with helping my friends. YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT IS?!

I feel so sick to my damn stomach I can't even eat! I threw my blades away so I can't harm myself, and my dads house is so damn child proof I couldn't hurt myself.

What I'm saying is I can't keep going, all my friends out there who are depressed, I know what the hell you're feeling, I know how you feel when everyone says its going yo be all right. They're fucking liars.

When does life ever get better? When we die? Well I want to test that damn theory out. Maybe some people was just be so damn happy.
Depression is a fucking ass and sometimes you need that person to give you a damn hug. You call me stupid?! I fake a damn smile every damn day and you FUCKING BELIEVE!!! Smiling may make others happy but it makes me die even more inside.

I'm tired of people saying 'oh god will be there, he is watching you. It's only a test to see how strong you are. God doesn't put you through stuff he knows you can't handle." Okay, where is God? Where is he? Where the hell is he when shit goes down?!

Where is your God now? I used to be christian! Hell yeah, and a proud one. I would go around and tell everybody how good he was and that he was always watching. IT'S ALL A DAMN LIE!!!

I'm tire of life, I am ready for it to end. But I'm not going to take my life because that would be too easy. I've turned into a damn coward. I listen to music, its my only damn escape.

So many people try and act like everything will be okay, it won't. It just won't be okay. It never has and it never will.

You wanted to know what was god dmanit wrong with me, you got it.
People say I've gone through hardly shit. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I'VE BEEN THOROUGH.

Goodbye.