Man.

This update's drastically different than the one I just posted.

But, I have to do it.

You know when someone comments something and it literally makes your chest feel heavier, you stop breathing for a second because it shoots you right in the heart because it hurts?

But you can say anything because they don't know your life story on why? They don't know that those few words could literally destroy my mood?

Me right now.

I won't say their username, that'd be a total dick move. It's not their fault anyways. I still love y'all, I just wanted to reply to someone who deserves an answer, it'd be selfish of me to be sad about IRG & not explain why those simple words could totally shoot me down.

I just want to explain. You've only read some of my rants, but you haven't been me.

There's a lot of shit in my life I haven't posted about.

When I transferred sophomore year to a different school, I WASN'T ALLOWED on varsity. It was the transfer rules. I would've been on varsity cross country, I would've ran at Stanford, I would've ran at all those invitational meets.

But I couldn't. It fucking HURT LIKE HELL.

I wasn't even allowed to go to Stanford.

Then, basketball season came. The coach LOVED my performance in tryouts. I was going to be a varsity player my sophomore year.

But I couldn't. It really tore me down.

She literally told me I would've been a fucking STARTER.

I cried so much, and nobody freaking knew because I had NO FRIENDS. Sophomore year I didn't have friends.

I only had my family.

So my parents decided to do something about it that would LET me be eligible.

Athletes do this all the time when they transfer, but I really don't feel like explaining it because it'd be complicated.

After a few weeks, I was finally eligible for varsity.

I was SO EXCITED.

My coaches found out, and I couldn't be happier...

Until I got fucking shot down.

I was told to "Put in my time in the basketball program."

I was told "You're new, and I can't really just put you on varsity after I've already put players in spots."

I was told "You have to work your way up."

I was told "If I had known this earlier, this wouldn't have been this difficult."

I was told "You'll stay on JV, and we'll see what happens."

I was being gossiped about by most of the teammates I STILL have to play with today. I can't even call them teammates because they're so fucking fake.

I was BROKEN.

I didn't have a place to let out my true feelings, I didn't want my parents or brothers to worry, so I just kept it inside.

My dad got into an ARGUMENT with the main coach because he was standing up for me, and I was being treated so unfairly to everyone else.

All those varsity girls looked me off. They gave me dirty looks, as if they were better.

They're not, but the only thing that mattered was being better in the coaches eyes.

Nobody knew what I was going through. Everyone thought I was an innocent, silent, quiet and shy girl.

During sophomore year, I went through a depressed state. A bunch of other things were happening with my other family too, my grades started to slip because of how sad I was, everything was just WRONG for five months.

I decided the only thing I could do was be who I was on the court. That was where I could let my emotions out through my actions.

I kicked ASS.

Every Jv game that was at home, more and more sophomores started to show up because of how good of a scorer and shooter I was. That was the o my thing I looked forward to.

Except the many times people were bold enough to come ask "Why aren't you a starter on varsity?! We don't have anyone that can score like you!"

I didn't know how to answer. I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know." Even when I knew exactly why.

One game, during winter break almost two years ago, a bunch of sophomore guys came to watch my game. There were five seconds on the block before half, a girl on the other team throws up a brick. I rebound it, take off the other way, release the ball from the corner of the right side exactly on half court just a second before the buzzer.

It's dead silent until the ball goes in the hoop.

That was the best moment I've ever had at that school.

Everyone started screaming, the guys were all like "OHHHH!!" And some pretend to faint and shit like that.

I showed how much of a varsity player I was. I didn't know how to do it with words, so I did it with my actions.

Guess it didn't mean anything.

All that I trained for was for nothing.

Junior year comes. Cross country season is shit. Y'all know that.

Go into basketball tryouts.

Got put on fucking Jv.

Apparently my chem grade was "too low." To be on varsity.

Lame excuse for a coach. All the guys on the football team at my school have the WORST GRADES, but THEY don't get punished by being fucked and put on Jv.

I said "I put in my time. What do I have to do?"

I was told "Well Chloe, it's just that, well, I don't want a grade to be something to worry about, and maybe you still need to work up."

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I only "swung up." For a few games.

I've written about this in my rant book before, if you guys remember.

Guess I finally paid off my debt that nobody else had.

So to the person who commented, I'm not mad at you at all. I just wanted you to understand. I didn't really put this into full details, just gave the general idea. I just felt really hurt, but it's not your fault because you didn't know.

It's because I've been treated unfairly in sports my whole life, ever since I started playing. Every single coach said the same thing except my c-team coach I played for freshman year.

I don't know what the Hell's wrong with me. I've proven that I can average 20 points a season, why won't a coach like me?

I'm THE MOST BIG TEAM PLAYER.

I'm not selfish in games.

Everyone else says I'm a naturally high-skilled ball player...except the coaches.

I'm glad you've been on varsity longer than me, something I've never been able to accomplish. I'm a little envious.

No, A LOT. I wish I had a coach who recognizes talent, not just people they like. Like damn. The feels right now. I'm glad that not al coaches are like that, because at this point I believed they were from experience.

Writing this chapter literally made me cry.

Like, I shouldn't be crying because it's in the past, but you know you cry about things that've happened because it hurts so much when you think about it?

Most of y'all didn't need to read this depressing update.

I'll go back to thinking about shipping Mallow and Kiawe because they're adorbs.

I think I'm going to write a one shot for them. They're too cute. I love how Kiawe has somewhat of a personality like Paul, but he has a genuine side too. I'm not saying he's an asshole, but he shows his dominance.

Plus he's darker skin-toned. Yuuusss. He's beautiful. Gorgeous. Oo-la-LA 👌

I say we should put more colored people in Pokémon. I mean, they obviously DID, but they should add any kind that exists in the universe.

This rant just transitioned so fast. Omg 😂

Today the only thing I've eaten is leftover pizza.

I'm really dehydrated.

What a coincidence. I'm too lazy to get out of my bed.

My parents haven't made dinner, so I bet it's fend-for-yourself night.

Damn, more pizza.

Okay I'm actually going to get water cause I'm dying. Lol.

Tell me who y'all ship in Pokémon sun and moon. I'd love to know 🙌