Normally I would put this in my conspiracy book, but people are right I really should just put conspiracies in there, and plus I feel more comfortable because literally no one reads this book.

I'm in a weird place right now...yeah, emotionally, mentally, it's just....weird, yknow? 

I recently found out that I wouldn't be able to attend college for financial reasons, and part of me is really sad about that because I've been dreaming of school for years, but then part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In my family it seemed like the responsibility always came down on me....I had to be the successful one, and I guess part of me is happy that  that weight is gone now. Part of me feels like I'm letting people down. 

And I'm just, having a really hard time trusting....my parents, other people, I just feel kind of like I always get let down. And I know I'm part of that problem, like I always put these expectations on people and they don't meet them and I get let down, but really its kind of my fault. That's kind of  why I'm turning to this book, you can't give a book expectations, I think that's why I started writing in the first place. 

I didn't really have anyone to turn to, no one knew Paramore. Then I found the online community, Buzznet, Tumblr, and Wattpad. I found all these people just like me, and they were so awesome, and I remember the first time Mia commented on one of my stories I freaked out because I thought she was so cool and I looked up to her so much, I still do honestly she's great. Before I had any devices of my own to use I would literally wake up at 5am before school to read Paramore fanfiction on my mom's kindle, and I'd have it all day after school and she would get so mad. Then I started writing my own stories, which were horrendus, in notebooks at school instead of listening in class. Then I got a 4g iPod and filled up my notes with hundreds of awful stories, then I eventually got confident enough to post some of them, and was pretty shocked when people read them. I thought Paramore conspiracies was the dumbest idea ever and no one would take it seriously, but a lot of people liked it, and like conspiring, and making up their own theories and I was so flattered and so surprised. I still am every time I get a nice comment. 

Honestly I fucking hate that story, it's literally lost me friends and made me question whether or not I wanna be on wattpad anymore. But I like thinking, and analyzing and looking at all the possibilities, and I know some people do like that story. Pretty much every comment is negative on that story, like no one who likes it a lot really comments it's usually the people that hate it. I can't not say what I'm thinking, and I can't just bury how I really feel inside and smile, and I like that about myself, I can't fake it, and I like that. I don't like After Laughter, I don't like this Era of Paramore, and I think it sounds and seems somewhat derivative and disingenuous. And saying that feels so freeing becuase I know no one will read this and hate me for it. I still love Paramore, their music means so much to me, and I don't care if I don't like one album I'm not abandoning them, and my blog, and everything that's been my life for three years. If anyone tells you not liking something your hero does makes you fake, you are not fake you're a person, and people disagree. What is the thing those people want? To feel superior? Why? Why do they need superiority? Don't let them have it, don't give in to them, keep saying what you feel and doing what feels right because no one is better than anyone, especially not over a band of all things. We're all born, and we live, and we die, we're all the same and we're equal. God, the amount of times I've let some of those comments get in my head and make me question who I was and if I was worthy to share my opinion, and made me feel unwanted and ashamed for disliking a song or an album. I don't belong here because I don't like After Laughter? Screw that. People turned on Fall Out Boy and they're not getting told to leave the community. 

God, if I had a fucking nickel for everyone who said I just wanted sympathy, maybe I just wanted to share? This blog, is my diary and a reflection of my life, and really all that I have. If I had someone to go and spew all this to I would, but I'm here, talking to a book. The only friends I have are people who I've met here, and it sucks when all your friends really like something and you don't, because then a lot of the time those people don't want to be your friends anymore. And so many people think I hate Paramore, because I don't like their album? Or some of the things they do? I've never wished bad on them, I always make it clear that as people I care for them and want them to be happy, and I'm that way with even people I do dislike because I don't think there's one person in this world who doesn't deserve some level of happiness. 

Almost 1am, and I'm talking to a book...