TW/ drug use and suicide

This is the only place I can really get things off my chest since I don't have friends, so I apologize in advance if somehow someone is still reading this.

It's been a little over 7 months. What I did a little over 7 months ago was post some chapters on this story. The reason I did that is because a little over seven months ago I left the person I was in love with. It was very hard, and I was very depressed about it. I didn't know how to process it. I'd done heroin for a couple of months up to that point because of my friends at the time, but going through that was just too much. I overdosed. June 10th, sometime around 10:30pm. My friends had narcan, it's a nasal spray that reverses opioid overdoses, it took two doses to bring me back. I didn't go to the hospital that night because I didn't have insurance. I stayed up all night drinking coffee because I was scared to fall asleep. I'm alive. I haven't done heroin since then, clean for 7 months.

That person that I left...they chased me. I left and things didn't end on good terms they really didn't. They wanted me back, they promised to be different, they said that they wouldn't leave. I guess none of that was true. Because yesterday, they did. It was all too easy. To just walk away.

The difference is this time I'm not friends with those people anymore, I certainly won't be trying to take my life. Addicts they might've been, but they were at my house on the night of June 10th trying to cheer me up because I was so depressed. I called crying and they rushed over. I don't have friends this time. And I don't have her. I'm just alone. Completely, totally alone. And I hate it, it's tearing me up from the inside out. I want to scream, and cry, but I'm so numb all I can do is sit here and try and channel my emotions somehow.

My grandmother also died Wednesday morning because of Covid. No part of me has even made peace with that yet. My whole childhood she was invincible, now I'm not sure what to think. I'm just dealing with grief in the middle of more grief. My friends, this is truly the most bleak period of my life. It's white and meaningless, and silent, and cruel. A beach where the skies are always gray and the water
Is always freezing.

And strangely, I have hope.

- K