Hey guys

I just wanted to update my story, and talk about some things. And I know you guys miss conspiracies, and I promise that there are more coming soon.

I wanna start this off by saying I, myself, don't have anxiety. I have never suffered from anxiety, but I am very close with some people who do, so I've seen the struggle first hand. I haven't gone through it myself, but I've seen what it can do to people.

I have, however, gone through episodes of depression. And it has been a few years now that I've, I guess, had depression. I generally don't like to say I have anything, I've never been formally diagnosed. But, I am a psychology student, and I have done extensive research on depression, and I'd be completely lying if I said I wasn't concerned about my behaviors, which for the most part match with symptoms of depression. Personally, I'll have to wait until I'm 18 and out of my parents house to get checked for depression, because my parents think all mental illness is fake.

Side note: to anyone who has ever disregarded mental illness, or told people who were depressed, or anxious, or suicidal to "just be happy", let me tell you that if I could just "be happy", if I could never worry about how I look or what's gonna happen to me at school, I would. If I could just stop feeling this way and be happy I would in a heartbeat, but it's not that fucking easy. Mental illness, no matter what it is, is a constant struggle, and constant fight to not let it consume your life. And I encourage you, if you know someone who has a mental illness, please don't tell them they're being delusional, or to just wake up and be happy, just accept them for who they are and try to help them as much as you can.

Once again, I am not claiming to have severe mental illness, and I'm not making myself a martyr, but I still want to talk about it.

I think that maybe if I talk about the things that make me depressed, or just why I think I'm depressed, maybe I'll help even one person, and maybe I'll even feel better too.

I go through emotional breakdowns, not very often lately, but when I am under a lot of stress or pressure, I tend to breakdown more often.

I am a very sensitive person to criticism, and rejection, and even when people get frustrated with me and yell at me I just burst into tears. I just can't handle it.

If I am sad about one thing, automatically my brain will just bring up a slideshow of everything that I have felt hurt by, and I I'll just be able to think myself into tears. And I do it, a lot.

Things I've felt depressed about would have to include my physical appearance, which I know seems shallow but it's true, and I have a perpetual fear that no one will ever love me and I'll die alone.

I have had problems with the way I look since middle school, 5th grade to be exact, because that's when it starts to matter. Now people only want to talk to people they think are cool, and boys only want to date girls who are beautiful. And I actually got bullied quite a lot for the way I looked. People just avoided me like the fucking  Black Plague, and that included boys, and that was the time that I was actually starting to be interested in romantic relationships. And people spread rumors about me, and every time there was a new kid they told that kid to avoid me, so you can only imagine what happened when those people found out I had a crush on someone. Yup, they convinced that person to ignore me, they even convinced my friends to turn on me. Seriously, how did these people have so much power? Mind control? So after constantly being bullied and rejected for the way I look, it made me even hate the way I look. I hated the way I looked, and my weight, and I just had so much hurt in my heart. And today, in 2016, I am proud to say that I have overcome my issues with my weight, it's no longer something I dislike about myself. I still don't necessarily like how I look, but I'm trying to over come that as well. I think never being in a relationship with anybody, where I have someone tell me they think I'm beautiful, was a big part of the reason I struggled with my physical appearance. But, I'm on track, I love who I am, and it's hard some days, but I will get through it.

Now onto me dying alone. I know that seems really dramatic. I am almost 17 years old, I've only ever been in one relationship, and that only lasted about three months. Yes, it was the guy who cheated on me towards the end. So I guess I'll just tell that story now. I had spent every valentines day alone for 14 years of my life, until I met this guy, who was actually trying to help me get better from being rejected by a different guy a couple months before that (not the healthiest way to start a relationship, I know). So we officially became a couple on January 30th, and two weeks later we went out for valentines day, I was so excited because I had never had anybody actually want to be with me before, let alone take me out for valentines day. But after a few weeks of being together, he became very distant, almost like he stopped trying. And I didn't know why exactly, I knew he was having a hard time in his home life so I thought that if I just support him through all of this I can help him get better, and we can back on track. Unfortunately that was not the case. I didn't know that he had a friend, who was a girl, who had been telling him that I wasn't good for him, that there's no reason to be with me, that no one in his close circle of friends likes me anyways. By the way I had only met 3 of his close friends, and she wasn't one of them. He brought these issuers to me and we had a long talk about it, and I begged him not leave me. I hadn't done anything wrong, but I begged him not to leave me, because I didn't want to go back to being alone, and because well frankly I was starting to fall in love with him. Eventually we did break up and I found out he was cheating on me, with that friend who was a girl who tried to break us up the first time. And he did break up with me, by telling me that he will never be able to love me. So, yeah, that became a big part of the problem. And now I just sit and think about what's wrong with me, if someone can't love me there must be something wrong with me, right? Wrong. There was nothing wrong with me, the fact that he couldn't love me was not my fault, and I know that now. But I used to sit around and just ask myself what's wrong with me? Or why don't I deserve to be in love? Am I really such a bad person that I don't deserve love? And sometimes I do slip back into that dark place, but I do eventually manage to find my way back.

So yeah, those are the things that make me feel depressed. And yes I do fight those negative thoughts everyday, and yes I do lose the battle sometimes. But I want anyone who reads this who has any kind of mental illness, or even just dark thoughts, to know that it can get better. You are not broken, you are not hopeless, and you can feel true genuine happiness. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. And if you know someone who is struggling, for god's sake, please don't just sweep them and their emotions under the rug. Help them. Whether that's talking to them, or helping them get professional treatment, just don't ignore them. I can tell you that being trapped in your head with all of those bad thoughts is pure torture. Pure, seemingly inescapable, torture.

And some people might look at this and say "well those reasons are superficial and you're not really depressed and you have no idea what you're talking about." And you know what, that's your opinion, and I respect it 100%. You don't have to like me or my reasons, because even though this seemed like it was all about me, I just wanted to be an example, and I want those out there who are struggling more than I am to get the help that they need. 

I think I'm gonna end this post here, I just have felt really off for a couple days and I wanted to talk about it with someone, so why not you guys? And I want people to realize mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, it's real, and should be treated with dignity and respect. I love all you guys so much, thanks for reading - H