My Voice
Some of you might have seen this posted on my message board, but this is a longer, more detailed version of that. I'm not looking for pity or trying to get my dad arrested, but I am trying to make sure that the beautiful people reading this never feel alone, because you aren't and you never will be. I will try to make this at least slightly comedic.
You guys have always seen me as a supportive, happy, easily excited, care free, fearless, upbeat person, but there's way more to me than that. There's more to my story, so, just, please. Listen to a voice in the crowd. A voice with... a lot to tell. It started when I was four. I was... sort of a goth girl. I hung my head low, threw up my hood, and avoided all eye contact. I hated the way I looked, my scarred up skin, ugly hair, and clumsy hands, and my parents always corrected my everything so I thought that I was always wrong. I got bullied a little my some cocky kids who got away with everything, but I ignored those people most of the time. You should give me credit for that cause I went to a public school at the time. If you don't know what a public school is, it's a school that is funded by the government so that homeless kids can go to school for free. Yeah my parents were cheap. I liked to wear dark colors and I normally didn't know the names of many people in my class, however, I could never stop listening to music or getting good grades. This is also the school where I started to find out that I had a quite surprising and spontaneous talent for writing, even though, at the time but not anymore, I hated both reading and writing.
In second grade, it was always "Minecraft this!" and "Minecraft that!" and so I decided to look it up for myself. I had seen my mom look up many different things on YouTube, so I did the same since I was sure that if this mysterious called block game was so. Looking up "Minecraft music", I found Lachlan. Lachlan introduced me to the other YouTubers, and they helped me discover a little something called confidence. I learned to love myself and not to be afraid of other people. I met people who have become lifelong friends, but then I turned 7. My dad started making me play soccer, because he was a professional player when he was younger. My dad, he has issues. He spent most of his life away from his parents. Every time I made a mistake during practice, if it was having too much fun, or not being the best on the field, or my positioning was a little off, or anything, he would fight me about it. Now, my parents are both incredibly headstrong, so, naturally, so am I. He would call pathetic, spoiled, pitied by my friends, a brat, idiotic, unloved, a disgrace, a disappointment, a demon, a monster, disrespectful, broken, shattered, weak, disgusting, an embarrassment, a disaster, a mistake, and a lot more... horrible things. Being a very soft person, I took it to heart. I stopped listening to the outside world and only payed attention to his words.
My mom? She tried to fix what was once whole, but she did it in the worst way a person could of tried. She fought him, almost died a few times doing so because he would throw sharp things at her, she complained about him to me, and she would take me away from him. She also almost divorced him quite a few times, but it only made things worse. She tried to help us, and that's why I love her, but I wish that things had been a lot different.
I closed myself off and put on the mask of the fake smile, laugh, and happy expressions. I joked and laughed and hugged others and smiled. No one saw through it. You could say I lied to everyone I knew, friend, family, or classmate. The people who thought that they knew me were oh so wrong and each and every one of them ignored any sign of depression that I had accidentally given up, and they couldn't have made my condition any worse than they did. The reason I didn't tell them is because my friends are not understanding at all. They would have thought that I was just kidding and laughed at me. I'm telling all of you, because I know that you understand.
On the first Thursday of October, my dad and I got into such a bad argument, that he gripped my chin so hard that I thought that he had broken it while he yelled at me. That was when I developed a fear of my now abusive father. My depression got to the point as where I would try to kill myself everyday, but I couldn't do it with a blade. I was too weak to handle the pain. I didn't have any pills or ropes, so those weren't options. However, I do live close to a river where people have died by mistake, so I would walk to that edge everyday, but, for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Something was always holding me back, and I see know, that it was YouTube. If it weren't for the YouTubers I know and love, I never would have imagined having real happiness in my life. I held on for a while, and, eventually, my mom did something right. She sent my dad to get therapy. It helped a little. He stopped abusing me, and I feel a little more comfortable around him, but I still fear him and he still corrects me with every little thing that I do. We still argue, and he still calls me different negative things. I still have breakdowns and suicidal thoughts, but ever since I found you guys, I've been just that much happier. I feel like I'm not alone anymore, and I have people who will shelter me through my hard times. I don't wear the mask much any more, so, thank you. Thank you so so much. Everyone.
This post is as long at most of my book's chapters. That's kind of messed up. Can we start a new tag? Can it be #NotAlone? I want this every where. I want to make a difference.
Argus421 Even though you probably won't do it sucker >:( XD
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##a_allowed href="https://aztruyen.top/tac-gia/Entity303_Love" ## ##a_allowed
I would like everyone to write a sincere sad story and then tag it with #NotAlone. Thank you.
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