AVA

Do you know that feeling of anticipation when you sit around and wait for the bomb to explode, either it's a party popper, wine pops, the principal calling you to their office, or your parent finding out you're a fraud?

That feeling usually eats a person alive, it comes with apprehension, and when the exact popping moment clicks, it turns to nerve-racking.

My wine didn't pop. I waited the whole day and locked my door the entire night. Nothing actually happened.

The next morning, I crossed Lilith's door over ten times, waiting for her to call me out for throwing her into the wild, but it was like she was utterly oblivious of my existence even through the repeated eye contact. She just smiled small and closed her door.

The torture was devouring me inside like a wildfire throughout the week. I couldn't pay attention to Leigh trying to impress me or mom trying to make up for everything that's happened between us.

It was on a Friday afternoon after mom and Leigh had left to support Christian for his rematch game at TPC, for he had forfeited Tuesday's game and the other that happened on Wednesday. Now he was leaping from the top position of the table to the fourth. Marina opened the door to the devil.

I was just coming from the backyard in my bikini when our eyes met, and I instantly froze.

All I could feel was his strength restraining me, the sense of the booze smell he had all over him when he cornered me, and his chuckles in my ear that raised all the hair on my body.

"Honey, are you okay? Your skin is so pale." Marina waves her fingers in my face.

That was able to cut through my torment. She had a worried look over her face, I shook my head to dissolve it, but when I glanced over to Clarke, he smirked and ascended my staircase as though he lived here.

That was enough to dig up my anger and remind me what Lilith was capable of.

No, she deserved everything that was happening to her and everything that was coming.

She is irrational no matter what; she will never change. She will never for once let rules be applied to her. She is always above everything. And no amount of wrecked cars and paperwork for the police department was going to faze her.

She's just an absolute slag.

Instead, to follow the stairs where my room is and get a dress for my half-naked body, I hid in the living room and wrapped a blanket, for now, waiting for the time the footsteps would descend and the front door with open and close.

I had my Kindle, so the wait wasn't excruciating. I got lost in fantasy the moment I snuggled on the couch until there it comes-only this time it comes, trouble.

"Don't ever fucking show your face here."

It was a bellow coming from the staircase direction.

Marina was already by the archway, holding a pan and a flustered expression. I pity the woman; she had to be traumatised daily by her none children.

"You are a psycho, Lilith if that's the case." I heard Clarke says to her.

"Get out of my house before I call the cops." Her voice was edgy and throaty. It was like she was about to cry.

"Don't sweat it. I already don't want anything to do with a bitch." He yells. And when the door opened, after Marina kept pleading with him to leave, he added. "And so you know, I lied. Nothing was sweet about you. You are nothing but a child."

A good sister will be there to kick him. A good sister would be there to say sorry. A good sister would have tens of instincts, but I only had one, that is to cower on the couch and eavesdrop on every terror that my stepsister was living.

Before we used to help each other, I wondered what had changed.

After the door closed, Marina asked Lilith if she was okay, but no response came.

***

On Saturday, Christian took me along with him and Leigh to a gym equipment store where we made orders for more machines for the home gym and had lunch at Partage, a top-rated restaurant in Vegas.

That happened after I had referred a poor location of some New York pizzeria that we came out running from upon taking a step in. In my defence, I was amused by the name of the diner, so I pushed behind the creepy scanty car park, not knowing it could get any worst.

After lots of laughter, Christian stopped by the top-rated restaurant and reminded us why it is always suitable to take the expensive option.

The place wasn't packed, but it was busy enough. We all agreed on the chef specials and some cocktails for Leigh and me and a cup of wine for Christain. We had chocolate mousse pear cake for dessert and waited for Christian to return from the toilet after Leigh paid the cheque.

Leigh had leaned in then and peeped around the surroundings to make sure dad wasn't coming, and no one was watching. He kissed the side of my mouth and asked if he had done something wrong.

All I know is he had been nothing but sweet to me. I felt every guilt pouring like rain over me; I pulled his neck and wrapped my lip over his for a deep.

We pulled away after the cool music changed; he was smiling genuinely, not the kind he had been wearing the whole day around his father.

"You worry me some time." He had said when he kissed my knuckled and stared at it.

I brought my fingers to his sharp jaw and mentally thought he deserved better. I wanted to give him better.

I wanted this holiday to be memorable, but nothing was going the way I wanted.

"I am sorry," I whispered; I doubt he heard, and when my eyes met Christian coming from the corner, I quickly pulled away my hand from his and grabbed my phone from the table and asked Leigh to snap me a picture before we left.

That day when we arrived home, Christian dropped us off and took off to see mom at the hospital. She had been on a ten-hour surgery and needed him to grab her some things from the house.

Before Christian could leave, Leigh took off with mom's car since she had been driving Christian's convertible. And that was the last time I set my eyes on him today.

Well, the day hasn't ended so, he probably would return home for dinner and a roof over his head.

After I was alone again, well, not entirely alone, since Marina was doing laundry and Lilith was in her bedroom listening to music on loud volume, blasting through the walls, that made it hard for me to focus on my summer reading.

I threw the books and blew out an exasperated breath that swept off the hair falling over my face.

Lilith didn't say anything to me since Tuesday morning when her dad and my mom brought her home; it had left me amid deep thoughts.

Did she know I was behind what had happened? Was she not talking? Or is she not talking to me at all?

Last night I wondered what happened between her and Clarke, and today it was even surprising that she was almost going a whole week without violating her grounded rules. She didn't have friends over or sneak boys through the windows. She didn't come down for a family meal, she didn't watch tv, and she didn't have any internet since Christian had seized her mobile phone and laptop.

Knowing Lilith and her obsession with socialising, this phase must be hell for her.

When the stinging guilt reached my head, it felt like I was going to combust, and that is when I had enough. I swallowed my fear and opened the door next to mine.

She was lying on her bed, with her head upside down at the edge of the bed and her hair sweeping the carpet.

"Oi!" I waved to the girl I ruined, and she took off the AirPods from her ears when she noticed me.

I wonder why she needed them, though. There was loud music playing through the speakers.

After some seconds, when she sat up, the music died.

She watched me without blinking from across the room while I was blinking rapidly.

Goodness, this is nerve-wracking.

"Are you okay?" My voice was hoarse. I had to clear my throat.

"Are you? You seem like you're going to puke."

Her face is twisted. It gave me the confidence to go and ask.

"What happened between you and Clarke?"

"It's nothing." Her face dropped, and she looked away. "He was just being a dick."

"He is a wanker."

"He is not my type, though." She curled her lip and looked up at me from where I was standing.

"I doubt that. You seem too invested."

She scoffs at my comeback and thoughtfully hesitates to say anything for a sliver of time.
"Ava, I am gay. I can never get invested in him."

"I doubt that, again." I retorted accusatively.

"Look, just because I am not hitting on you anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't live my life. You are not interested, and I understand completely."

"We are family." I remind her with an arched brow and knowing eyes.

She nodded to herself quietly,
"I understand that. So why are you interested in who I hang with?" She demanded.

"Gay's doesn't like men."

"I don't like men."

"Quincy and Clarke make that a hell lot confusing."

"Uhm..." She breathed a tender smile. "Don't worry; they wouldn't be happening anymore."

"Can I come in?" I finally ask since I've been standing by the door, and she doesn't seem the polite kind of human that offers her guests comfort.

"If you don't feel like I am a bad influence." Her legs were folded on the bed. She pushed back her hair behind her back.

"I think if your impact was going to affect me, then it might as well have been active because it's been two years of living with you."

When I took caution steps over to her bed, I sat down by the edge and began gathering my thoughts on how to start.

I wanted to get this over with. I wanted to tell her why she deserved to remain in soaking pain, locked up in her room for the rest of her life. I wanted to tell her how evil she was, but she beat me up to it and said, "Clarke almost forced himself on me."

"What?" I gasped.

She flicked her eyes towards me and back to the wall behind me.

"I know what you will say; I know I caused it, I just-"

Before she finished, I cut her off,
"That's not what I am going to say." But I am sorry I don't know what is true and what is not.

"I should have known boundaries are essential. Anyway, I know you think I deserve it." She quietly said. "You know I had always hated men because a lot of them doesn't know when to stop just as they don't know what no exactly mean. The funny thing is, the asshole drugged the girls and me. He must have something to do with my car. He always has something to do with it." She said and laughed at the last sentence.

Yes, right, he had always been obsessed with her car, only she had no idea it wasn't him behind the vandalism.

"Are you sure?" I mumbled and looked down at my fingers, afraid if I looked her in the eyes, she would be able to see every lie I had buried.

"I still remember, he and his cousin offered us some drugs, and we turned it down. They must have found a way to slip it in our drinks or something. Because I can only remember the first hour and everything later was blank. I don't even remember the firework display, but no one will believe me even if I say it. I've been too friendly with Clarke that it is a shame to say he is a dick." She calculatedly admitted, and my heart sank into my chest.

Shit!

There is no way she is right, huh?

It has to be one of her games. She must want to play with my head and make me believe she had no idea of what she had done to me that evening.

I know I should be worried about many things she had said, but I can't help thinking for my own good alone.

"Do not play that game with me." I shook my head at her, and she looked perplexed at my distant gaze. "Just don't play the I am not guilt card."

Well, she planted this whole idea when she showed me the side of her I didn't know she was capable of.

See, I was hyper-aware of Lilith's hatred, but never, in my opinion, did I see her trying to hurt me really bad that it was getting dangerous.

At first, her friends and her had this plan of throwing me somewhere only God knows, and then she slapped me in the face practically but not only with her hands but with dark fear I shouldn't have to go through.

She was supposed to be my sister, but I wasn't feeling safe anymore around her.

And now, her mind games had driven me into something foggy. I fear I am lost.

"Ava, I know I did wrong things, but I swear I didn't take any drug willingly. I will never do that." She obliviously swore. She had that desperate look in her eyes. Like she wanted me to believe her, and somehow, a massive part of me is melting.

"So you are saying that you don't remember anything from that night? Even the part where you had them cornered me and humiliated me? You don't remember." I was panicking. The question came out through stutters.

Her expression thawed, and her eyes glowed with hope.
"You were at the fireworks?" She gaped.

I swear she was drugged!

Oh lord!

At that moment, everything sounded like an echo in my head. I needed to leave.
"I will go," I announced and hurried for the exit, but she raced after me and grabbed my elbow.

"Ava, what did I do?" Her eyes were pleading when they bore into mine.

She was desperate for the memory-anything to remember. And I was desperate to erase mine, for it was one I will never forget.

"It is not important." I shake my head, trying to suppress the pain grating into my soul. But it was hell. It was speaking in my ears, too loud I could barely see.

"It is important. Please, what did I do?" She croaked, and I let it go. "What do you mean cornered and humiliated?"

I just started crying.

I was taught never to act instantly. I was taught to either let it go or take revenge accordingly to how I was hurt. I was taught never to judge without proof.

I did all that, and now I am confused.

She might have crossed the line, she might have almost got me hurt, but it wasn't her behind it. It was Clarke.

"No!" She backed away from me when my body began to shake from the sobs. "The cops must have been right. I-I vandalize my car, and I can't remember."

I've never felt like a monster.

I tried to speak, but my teeth were only digging into my lip.

I was a coward, so I ran when she began apologising to me. I wish she had just stopped. I wish she stops following me too. I wish a lot of things but wish is just a bloody word.

Her footsteps were behind me while I descended the stairs, and by the last step, I bumped into a solace. I succumbed and just held him.

It doesn't matter Lilith was there. Nothing matters. I was so mad at myself that worrying about my little secret was a mild problem right now.

After learning the truth about myself, it is hard to believe I've been trying to change for good. This is the moment I found out I've been nothing but a fraud. I felt like a snake. There was no lie; I had become the word I used to despise.

"Hey? Are you okay?" Leigh said above me, and his hands brought out my face from his chest.

Until then, I realised, I couldn't feel the air in my lungs. There was this knot in my chest that kept tightening every attempt of breathing I made.
"I can't breath."

He has tapped my cheeks and wiped my tears. He urged me to calm down and count his fingers, but my sight was fading. Everything was just vanishing.

"Ava? Hey."

"I can't breath," I repeated. Fear was overwhelming; it came with a voice that said, this was it.

Is guilt supposed to be so brutal?

"She is passing out. Do something." It was Lilith voice right before I felt my legs leaving the floor and the door opening and closing.

That's the last thing I heard before complete blankness invaded me.