Plan
I lingered on my front porch willing my hand to turn the knob on the front door but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to face Momma. I didn't want to be at this house. Wallowing about a man...again.
The rain stopped teasing and started to pour. I looked down my driveway and a part of me wanted to run to Gus's house. I think of Annabeth and realize I probably shouldn't meddle. I should probably mind my own sordid business for the time being.
I finally give myself the courage to push the door open after I start shivering and I am relieved to hear the house is quiet. I don't dare go to the back of the house in case I run into her, so I just dart straight up the stairs. I am just about to push my bedroom door open when I hear her bedroom door open down the hall.
She spots me on the other end of the hall and says, "So you're back here huh?"
I glare at her and snap, "Happy?"
She shakes her head and says, "Can't say happy. Maybe a bit relieved." I don't say anything else as I push my door open and I stand against it after I close it. I look around my room and it's only changed once since I first left it in high school and that was when I came back from the Hemming's. I can't believe how many times I have had to seek solace here. I glance to my window but the rain prevents me from going on the roof. I look around the space and something won't connect me to it.
I was supposed to have a house. With two rooms, a living room, two bathrooms, a large kitchen and a backyard. I was supposed to have someone to share my bed with, someone to hang on the porch swing with, someone to share a glass of wine with, someone to share a life with.
All of that is gone now. I not only have to say goodbye to the man I love but the house I was supposed to share with him.
I'm back in a room decorated by my mother, cleaned by Celia, and owned by my father. I can't stand not having a single thing of my own. I don't have a car to escape with and I don't have a place I can escape to. Ryan once joked about how coddled and sheltered I was and I remember I swatted a playful hand at him, laughing off his silliness. But standing here now, I realize how true that is. The winery used to be my form of escape but now not even that will be mine. I hate that Momma is going to bring someone in to babysit me at the one place I enjoyed going to every day. I no longer have Ryan's house as a sanctuary and I no longer have the winery as one either.
The thought of Ryan's house reminds me that I was going to use the big check Tilly gave me towards redoing it. Now that I no longer have a fixer-upper to deal with, I can use the money to get something of my own. I am also making money now so I could afford rent.
I suddenly can't stay in this room any longer as it just suffocates me with memories of Ryan, Jackson, Gus, Annabeth, Momma, Austin, Whitney, and the list just goes on. Too much has happened in this room that I can't deal with my feelings for Ryan in it.
I glance at my watch and see it's too late to call rental properties but decide to get up first thing tomorrow morning and go apartment hunting. I bundle up my comforter into my arms before yanking my door open again. I dart past the guest room since I also have too many Ryan memories lingering in that room and head straight to Austin's.
It's weird to push the door open and stroll inside as I have never stayed in his room before. He took his personal items when he moved in with Ryan but his bed, nightstand, and dresser still remain. I wrap my comforter around myself, crack the window open and plop onto his full-size bed. I bury my face into the fluffy duvet and wait for the tears to come. I know I need to cry it all out tonight in order to force myself to have the strength to get out of bed tomorrow.
With Jackson, I cried for months while drinking myself into oblivion and hiding away from all of society to deal with my feelings. I know I can't do that again. I can't waste days on the roof or in the library, thinking about all I lost when I have a business to run. I have two friends that are going to need a shoulder and a town that's going to want to poke about in the New Years' business. I am going to have to stay strong. I cannot let myself succumb to this painful sorrow. My heart aches and my brain refuses to fully comprehend what just happened. I can't face reality yet.
As the covers become wet from my tears, I force myself to make a plan. One I can start on immediately.
First, I will find an apartment somewhere in town that I can afford without my mother's help. Then I will see how much I can buy a cheap car for so I no longer have to rely on everyone else for rides. After that, I will keep focusing on the winery and making it successful. I will then start saving to take a vacation somewhere. Anywhere that is not in Mississippi. I will help with Annabeth's baby shower and if I'm needed as a bridesmaid somewhere along the way, I will be there for her and Gus. I will also be there as a bridesmaid for Margot when it comes time for Paris because it seems, that's all I'll ever be at a wedding.
As I start forcing myself to focus on anything other than Ryan, I realize I will be able to distract myself from the pain as long as I am busy. That is how I will deal with my broken heart this time. I have no hatred for Ryan and I really do wish him all the happiness in the world. But at the thought of Ryan being happy without me comes the tidal wave of tears. I push my face back into my pillow and allow myself to hurt just for tonight.
I know he's out there tonight, hurting just as much as I am but I also know that come tomorrow, he'll throw himself back into his work. He'll push me from his mind and focus on getting his job back in order. He knows he lost me to his job so he'll make sure the choice was worth it. He'll move up the ranks and probably be pulled into the C.I.A like he wanted to do before he met me.
We'll both stay busy until the pain subsides and then we'll become fond memories.
We'll both have loved and lost. But in time, we'll both move on. It's all we can do.
**Thank you so much, readers!! That is the end of Book 4! But fear not! This is a two-part story and book 5 is already OUT!!! Check my profile to find My Spy 5: A Southern Girl in Paris
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