Dear baby,

To me, you are like a very broken dog and I'm not sure that I need a very broken dog in my life right now.

Things started to go wrong when I caught you bouncing with my mum.

It's not that I don't love you. It's just that your mum is extremely strong and your ex-wife is, without a doubt, the greatest person I've ever known.

It's true, we've had some stunning times loving together. You have lips like crazy onions and the coolest nipple I've ever seen.

Your personality is like a really rough cat spinning into my skull. When I see you laughing it makes me want to steal your onion lips and post them to the police station.

I lie in bed at night wishing you were a male model and not a dog who likes bouncing with my mum.

What I'm trying to say, is take your cool nipple and go.

Yours no more