This party certainly is much bigger than the get together I held at my house last night. It seems like the entire senior class is here, and as I try to squeeze my way through heaps of random people I feel like I'm packed in a can of sardines.

I'm already sweating underneath this white t-shirt that I'm wearing, strands of blonde shaggy hair sticking to the back of my neck. Pulling out the blunt from the pocket of my jeans, I spark it up since everyone else seems to be smoking in here before I take a long drag.

Weed is the only thing that keeps these fucking panic attacks at bay. It makes it bearable for me. If I don't smoke weed, especially in a place like this then I'll have an episode for sure. I don't like crowded places.

"Beer pong!" Ryder, another member of our football team shouts towards us when he sees Cameron and I enter into the living room. Taking another drag of the blunt, I shrug and follow Cameron to the table.

Ryder is playing with this girl that is barely wearing any clothing at all. She has her head on his shoulder as he takes the first shot, missing by at least five inches. He must already be drunk.

Cameron and I are superior at this game. We've been reining champs for at least a year now, and that's exactly why Ryder challenged us.

After going back and forth for five minutes, I sink the ball yet again, causing Ryder to let out a groan. He throws another shot back, shaking his head from the rush.

"Oh shit. Here." I suddenly realize I've been holding the blunt the whole time without offering any to Cameron. "Sorry. I'm so high I didn't even realize I was holding it."

He takes it from me and shrugs, his eyes gleaming with humor before he says, "I'm so high I didn't even realize you had it."

It seems like someone turned the music up, because in seconds it's like I can't hear anything anyone is saying. There's a rap song blasting as Kelsey comes up, two tiny glasses in her hands. "Shots for you both." She smirks, but she doesn't acknowledge me. She's too busy keeping her eyes on Cameron as she passes me the shot, taking his arm with hers once her hand is free.

Being second place to Cameron is a normal thing for me now. It used to bother me, but I think it takes a lot of pressure off of me now not to be the best at everything. I'd rather let him have that fall onto his shoulders.

A lot of people strive to be the best, but I've never been that way. I've always been okay with being under the radar and keeping to myself. I don't like a lot of attention, and I've grown accustomed to being Cameron Holden's best friend. This is nothing new.

So I just go back to paying attention to the beer pong game as he flirts with Kelsey, apparently his new girl of the week. I thought he was hooking up with Sadie, but I guess not? I can't keep track anymore.

It's not until I go to make another shot that I see a familiar face. It's my sister, and for a second I think the weed got laced with something and I'm hallucinating because there's no way in hell Maddie would be caught dead at a place like this.

"What the fuck?" I splutter in anger when I see way too much of her skin. She looks just like all of the other girls here, and I find myself becoming pissed.

This isn't who Maddie is. I know I made fun of her last night, but I didn't mean for her to dress like that and come to a fucking party. I just wanted her to have a beer and relax, but she's downing a shot like it's nothing, and Maya is... oh hell.

Maya is in an extremely short pair of short shorts, the bottom of her ass cheeks slightly showing. It takes everything I have to look away, but I can't. I've tried for so long to be respectful, but my god.

I drag my eyes up her perfectly tan skin, seeing her belly button ring shining back at me. I didn't know she had it pierced. It must be new.

She's got a tube top on, a pair of big gold hoops in her ears, and her hair is French braided, the two twisted ends traveling all the way to the middle of her stomach.

I'm even angrier now though because they shouldn't be here. I can already see the group of guys they're taking a shot with check them out in all the wrong ways. They don't want a relationship with them. They're exactly like Cameron, and the thought terrifies me. They're too fucking good for a party like this. To be dressed like that.

"I'm going to fucking kill her." I hiss, slamming my beer can down onto the table to head over to them, grabbing onto Maddie's wrist to spin her to face me. "What are you wearing? What the hell are you even doing here?" I ask in disbelief.

"I'm.... Drinking!" She screams excitedly.

Oh god. How long has she been here for? She's fucking wasted.

"Since when do you party? You're not staying here. Especially dressed like that. I'm taking you the hell home."

And then I feel the touch of Maya's hand on my arm, and the contact is like pure fire to my skin. I glance down at her hand, that fucking hint of daises flooding into my nose at once. "Oh, come on, Ethan." She blinks innocently up at me, almost like she knows that I want to tackle her right here and now. "Just let her have some fun, okay? Just this once."

Was this Maya's idea to bring her here? From the looks of it Maddie is having a blast, and I was the one in the first place that told her to have a drink with us last night. This whole situation is partly my fault, so I let out an irritated sigh, Maya's belly ring completely distracting me.

It's almost like a reflex when my hand goes onto her hip. My thumb is right below that belly button ring, and when I see her bite down onto her lip from the contact, I suddenly, for the first time realize this might not be a one sided attraction. She might want me too.

And that's the last piece of information I needed, because now I'm finding it impossible not to make a move on her. It's taking every last bit of self control.

"Fine." I smile and give her a smoldering stare, those brown eyes of hers locking directly on mine. "Just watch her, okay?"

"Where else would I be?" She challenges, that same feisty and witty responded girl that I've been in love with for years coming out full force.

Fuck. I want to kiss her. Right now. It's not until she bites on her lip again that i realize I've been brushing the skin of her lower stomach with my thumb. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I tease, flirting for the very first time with her.

She visibly gulps before she takes a step back and glances at Maddie, who is currently downing another shot, completely unaware of the moment we just shared.

But this is what I feared would happen. Maya and I care so much about Maddie that we would never actually make a legitimate move on each other. The thought kills me. Especially when I'm sweating so badly through this t-shirt, my body literally craving Maya's in this exact moment. I'm starting to get hard, and like the heavens are sending me a sign, I catch Jennifer wave her hand by the staircase.

If I stay here then I know I'm going to kiss Maya. I'll do it. Maddie is drunk out of her mind, so she won't realize that anything is even happening. I need to go and do what I originally came here for.

So I lean over to Cameron and mutter, "I'll be right back." And then he sees Jennifer, his typical, playboy grin falling onto his face. "Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid, okay? Give me like ten minutes. I'll make it quick."

If it's anything like last time then I know it will be. I'm telling the truth. I don't know if me doing this will hurt Maya's feelings, but kissing her will only hurt her more.

"Will do." Cameron nods and focuses on Maddie, and as I follow Jennifer up the stairs I can practically feel Maya's gaze burn into my back.

Jennifer looks really pretty, she always does, but again, I can't shake the feeling that it's not the same as it is with Maya. As I follow her up the stairs I see her dress reveal hints of neon pink panties, and she quickly finds a random room upstairs, pulling me in to lock the door behind her.

It's quieter up here, just the bass being heard thumping gently against the walls. This looks like a guest room, just a single queen sized bed against the wall. Jennifer is looking intently at me, waiting for me to make a move. My heart is pounding against my chest, the feeling of constriction becoming all too familiar.

I'm not going to let myself get in my head about this though. Losing my virginity in a guest room is fine. This is fine.

Taking two big steps to close the gap between us, I tug her against my chest and press my lips to hers. My body feels like it's on edge, like I'm about to go on stage in front of a thousand people as we fall back onto the bed together. Her lips find my neck, licking and sucking and teasing me.

"I want you to fuck me." She giggles. "So hard. I've been thinking about this non-stop since last night."

I'm hardly able to get another word out because she straddles me and strips herself of the dress, a matching neon pink set beneath it. I let my eyes run over her bra, then down her stomach, then down to her panties, and I begin to freak out when she grabs my hand to cup her breast over the bra, her hands quickly fumbling with my belt buckle.

This is moving too quickly, and I know she thinks it's just because we're having a quickie, but still. I'm a virgin, and she doesn't know it. I don't trust her enough to tell her, because being the type of girl Jennifer is she's going to tell the entire class. I know she will.

Then Cameron will find out I lied, and then I'll be the laughing stock of the entire school.

That familiar feeling of panic etches into my brain, only this time I can't seem to shut it out. In seconds my ears are ringing, my mouth goes dry, and my stomach is completely in knots.

"I-I can't do this." I choke out, but I'm hardly able to say anything. My body is already involuntarily starting to shake, and I don't want Jennifer to piece this together.

"What?" She asks, glancing down at herself. There's nothing wrong with her. It's all me. "Are you being serious? Is this about that girl downstairs?"

Gently pushing her off of me, I blink away tears and make sure my back is facing her as I head for the door. I need to get the hell out of here. And fast.

Normally I'd just wait it out until the attack passes. I don't have medicine or anything like that even though I probably should, but I can't seem to get the courage up to tell my parents, or Cameron, or my sister. I'm supposed to be a man. I'm supposed to be able to handle shit like this.

Slipping into the bathroom, I grip onto the sides of the sink and try to inhale deeply, holding it for a few seconds before I exhale. That's what Google seemed to recommend when I researched it before, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm shaking from head to toe, trying to ignore the last two minutes when everything went to shit.

Two minutes was all it took for me to have a panic attack, and for what? I had a beautiful girl on top of me wanting to have sex. I could have just lost my virginity, and yet my body seemed to fight it.

Crying sometimes happens during the attacks too, and since I'm depressed as fuck I can't seem to stop myself. I grip harder onto the sides of the sink as the tears fall, but that only seems to get me more worked up. I'm having trouble breathing now, trying to remember how to even take accurate breaths.

Am I dying?

Did I forget how to breathe?

Pacing back and forth against the tiles of the floor, the door suddenly flies open, and Maya is on the other side. I don't know how I forgot to lock it. I'm a fucking idiot.

"I- sorry." And then her eyes widen. "Ethan, are you okay?"

She steps inside and closes the door with her back, and thankfully she remembers to lock it. I'm shaking like a leaf, my hands trembling as I try to find something to say to her, but I cant. I'm in a full blown panic attack embarrassing myself in front of the girl that I've been infatuated with since I can remember.

Can this night get any worse?

"You're having a panic attack." Maya says, and I don't know how the hell she knows that, but she takes a step closer, tentatively grabbing onto my arm. "Can I?" She asks.

I don't know what she means, but all I'm able to do is nod my head, and in seconds she wraps her arms around me and squeezes tightly. She holds me against her, her head resting against the middle of my chest, and immediately my arms come around her to bring her closer.

"You're okay." She says reassuringly. "Just breathe, Ethan."

I nuzzle my nose into her hair, and the scent of daisies clouds my senses for the second time tonight. I'm breathing heavily, but the tightness of the embrace feels good. In less than a minute I feel my heart rate start to deescalate, my breathing seeming to almost return to normal.

"How did you-"

"My cousin gets them sometimes." She admits. "I've had to do this once or twice before. Do you feel better? Can I let go?"

I don't want her to ever let go of me. My body is relaxed for the first time in... years. I'm not worrying about anything else but the feeling of her fingertips running up and down my back.

"A little bit longer." I find myself saying, because I don't think I'll ever get this feeling back again.

She nods and lets out a tiny sigh, her nose pressed against my t-shirt. I don't know if she feels the same way, but I hope she does. I hope this hug is meaning just as much to her as it is to me.

"I should probably go back out with Maddie." She says. "But I had to pee, and..."

"And I was having a panic attack in the bathroom like a psycho." I laugh. "Sorry. At least Maddie is with Cameron though."

"You trust Cameron?" She snorts, and I look at her questionably.

"With my sister? I trust him with my life."

Finally, she releases me from the hug and takes a step back from me, and I already miss the way it felt to hold her in my arms.

She turns for the door, but pauses before she says, "Do you want to talk about what happened, or... just pretend like the last five minutes never existed?"

And tell her that I've been in love with her for years? Tell her that I couldn't follow through with having sex for the first time because the connection between Jennifer and I wasn't what I'm feeling right now? Yeah, I'll pass.

"If we can just... keep this between us." I clear my throat and scratch the back of my head. "Nobody knows, and I don't want to make it a thing, okay? I'm fine. It doesn't happen that often."

"You don't have to explain because It's not my business to know," She reassures. "And as far as telling people,  don't worry about it. I'm pretty good at keeping secrets."

I nod and take a step closer, gently taking her hand off the handle to replace it with my own. I'm staring down at her with the most serious expression I've probably ever had. What secret is she willing to keep? Could she keep us a secret if I made a move?

"I'll leave first." I smile when I see her stare longer than she should on my lips."After all, didn't you have to use the bathroom to begin with?"

"Oh, yeah." She clears her throat, but then she points at my neck and takes another step away from me. Her demeanor has shifted now, and I notice that she's crossed her arms over her chest. "You might want to..." and then she points to a spot on her neck, then to the mirror.

I tilt my head to the side and stare at my reflection, bright red lipstick marks all down the side of my face.

Oh, fuck.

Muttering a couple cuss words, I wet a piece of toilet paper and scrub aggressively to try and get it to come off, but all that does is make it look like I had an allergic reaction or something, the red smeared all over the place.

I should give her the real story, but again, what would the point be? And besides, I don't have to explain myself. We aren't dating, no matter how much I may want us to be.

"Sorry." Is all I can bring myself to say, and then I leave her alone in the bathroom to head back out to the party.

A/N:

Surprise update!!!!!

I was bored and felt like it! No other excuse lol.

I LOVE Ethan so much in this story. You have noooo idea!!!

What do you guys think of him?

What did you think of the chapter?

Yes, there will still be an update on Monday. See you then!

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