I think I can easily say my frustration, sadness, pain and fear levels are rising exponentially. When you care for someone deeply, to the point you would literally sacrifice anything to make them happy, you invest a lot in them.

In my case, with one person, I try and try to get them to talk. To smile. To laugh. Anything, but think about how sad they are about their life. I try to get them to open up and let me help them but no matter what I do they underestimate me saying it would only break me.

Their darkness, would break me.

I will not succumb to another's darkness. Not now, not ever. It may be an all knew darkness, but when I first started helping people with depression I saw all kinds of terrifying things. But still I did not give up on them. It didn't hurt me, their darkness. What hurt me was the fact that they where hurting.

So when they tell me that after months of not wanting to cut that they wanted to again...well...I lost it. I broke a little inside. I'm supposed to make them happy, make them forget all this darkness surrounding them. Even if for a single minute. From experience I know a minute of happiness can feel like a million years.

After trying and trying they still...

Well I don't know anymore. I'm tired of being undermined, told I'll break. I decide what hurts me. I decide what burdens I shoulder. I decide what is best for me emotionally, because it is my emotions. I don't-- I am not weak for people I love.

I'll never be too weak to smile for someone, to be a source of happiness. I will be armor, a shield, a hug, a book, a song...anything for a friend. Even if I am depressed myself I will push it aside for them. I hate seeing those around me sad. It kills me. So I try my best to make people smile.