This is just something I wrote late one night and it was bugging me so I decided to post my thoughts now. I will come back to this later, polish it off, and put it into an actual book.

Have you ever just did something that you regret? You thought that everything was going fine until one thing led to another and you realize you don't recognize the person in the mirror.

The simple task of staring into the reflective surface becomes more taxing than ever.

And all you seem to notice is the eyes of a stranger looking back at you because that could not possibly be your eyes.

That was your life then.

It all came down to 'one thing led to another'.

You hear more and more about rape in today's world and you try to justify what had happened to you.

Was it consent when you were in an emotional state, head in an unseen conflict? Had I consented when I said no several times and tried to push away?

Or am I merely blaming another when I took the first step?

The first step of what? Kissing?

I was vulnerable.

Easy prey to take.

I was numb through it all. Laying in the bed as he did what he did.

Trying to feel and release the tears on the inside, only for the tears to get misinterpreted.

Is it my fault when this sort of thing happens more once? Happens more than twice? How about when it happened so many times that I have lost count?

Is this victim blaming or was this actual rape?

Does consenting to the same guy more than once before actually gives him a special right to take advantage? To do what he thinks is best?

Sometimes I love a good debate, but when I talk in a continuous circle with someone who just talks and talks, thinking that things will turn out when they won't, that's when I draw the line.

"You always pull away!"

What? I can't pull away when you constantly take advantage of me mentally, emotionally, and physically?

As if I'm the bad guy in the situation and he is "just trying to make this work."

News flash! It won't work when only one of us tries!

I pull away to get perspective and every time I let him talk, he talks me into staying.

Well, enough is enough.

I am done putting my time and energy into something that was doomed from the start.

It's over.

I am going silent. My presence will be minimal. I will be distant.

I need a change. Doing this over and over again is making me crazy; the definition of insanity.

Too bad no matter what I do, he will find a way to keep me by his side...underneath him.

I knew it was a bad idea, but I thought I would be fine...i was wrong.

He has a way of getting me to talk, I don't want to talk anymore.

I'm done.

I keep entertaining a simple thought. A thought that will change my life.

I contemplate whether to leave everything behind where he is present or not.

The sad part is that I can't publish this without him seeing.

He will take it the wrong way, keep trying to call me to "explain, " then the cycle goes all over again.

Maybe this is just me. Maybe I'm so screwed up that I don't know what is the reality.

Is this all in my head or not? Did that really happen or was I dreaming?

I remember drifting away from consciousness in someone's arms, then drifting in and out as someone kisses me in my sleep.

I didn't kiss back. I didn't want to. It felt forceful as if someone forced themselves on me.

Delusions.

What is even real anymore? I feel like I should be worse than what I am. I feel as if I should break my streak and started self-harming again. I feel as if I should be suicidal.

But in reality, I'm none of those things.

I had the thought of me having PTSD since I fit the symptoms. Something happened a long time ago that has been messing with my sense of time.

I dissociate constantly.

I forget moments of time, conversations, and a lot of memories that are tied with emotions.

My emotions seemed to have been disconnected from my memories, leaving me unfeeling and cold.

I'm floating, I'm functioning. Even though I don't want it to, my life moves forward.

I'm fine, I'm okay. I'm functioning better than most, so I must be fine and okay.

Still...there are these moments when I'm not too sure that I am fine, okay, or functioning at all...

11/20/18.