Dear Mom,

I don't think you know this, but I cry at night as you sleep. I frown as you get hurt and when you get done. I smile as you laugh.

I even laugh as you laugh uncontrollably.

I sat by you in your worst and been with you for your best. I have seen you make the hard decision and your still ready for another round.

I've seen you happy and excited, that's when I cried the most.

As I stressed for days about a college test, you stressed about surgery. Once the time came, I cried for days thinking about the negative thoughts of 'what if.'

I couldn't sleep at night in fear that it would be our last night together. I stayed awake at night listening to you breath.

I waited anxiously for the text message updates from Dad, praying that he wouldn't send one announcing your time of death.

My nerves jumped and my heart stopped at times.

As I pulled up to the hospital today, my thoughts were of 'she's okay, she's okay.'

I repeated that over and over again hoping beyond belief that what I was saying were true.

When the time came where I went up the elevator with Dad to your floor, to your room, then ultimately to your bedside.

I was not prepared for you to happy and healthy. I wasn't prepared for the positive energy around you. Yes, you were a little tired and confused, but you were smiling happily.

You wanted this knee surgery, you wanted this new artificial knee. I didn't want you to take any chance of dying as any surgery is risky.

If I told you that, you would have thought about backing down. I'm glad I didn't, you needed the pain to go away.

I'm happy that I didn't take away that happiness of no pain.

I wish that I could spend every second with you, only that's not how life is working out.

I'm busy with my adult life and can only see you for a few hours until you get back home.

Please come back soon.

I told you the house would spiral into chaos without you here.

6/12/18 - The day of surgery.