hey.

so uh...

Sorry for not being as active as I should've been, I haven't been feeling as ok as I used to. And I'm sorry about not writing anything for Christmas, I just...I didn't have any motivation or inspiration to write since Christmas and I know I should have because it was supposed to be a Christmas gift to y'all and I DIDN'T EVEN WRITE A BILLDIP aGh I'm really sorry! I owe an apology to you guys and I know this isn't much of one and this isn't really an excuse for not being here. I've been horrible to you.

I haven't been ok. I should just say that. Like, from the start of 8th grade to December 13th, my mental state has slowly begun deteriorating and I'm wasn't as happy as I used to be. Then December 14th came. That's when everything all fell apart and split into pieces. I watched S8 of VLD and my mental state just *snapped* like when you break a graham cracker to make a s'more. It stayed intact, just cracked. And I know it sounds stupid, but the show means a lot to me and to see it get ruined kinda destroyed me. And it wasn't just that. I was really hoping for Klance to be canon and when I just saw it get dropkicked out the window by the crew, I kind of just realized that no matter how hard you hope for something...it probably isn't going to happen, which is basically my whole life explained in one phrase (I have bad luck) (that got really dark). I previously binge watched S3-S7 of VLD with my dad before the 14th and it was cool. But my mom told my dad about me watching S8 without him (because hype) and he got mad and just like...ignored my existence basically because he gets sensitive about these kinds of things. And...that was the thing that broke my mental stability. My emotional stability: thrown out the window. My mental state and stability: also gone and dropkicked. I broke down. I became a shell of myself until my dad and I made up a few days later. I felt a little bit ok after that. It was kind of like a weak glue on the shards of my mind.

Even before the 14th too, my mental state like...momentarily shattered and I actually, for a second there...God I don't even know if I want to say this...

I wanted to kill myself for a minute there.
I wrote it down in my journal and everything, reading that entry made me tear up just now. The exact words I wrote about it were: "Do people honestly need or want me around? Honestly, sometimes I feel like I should just commit...suicide. I'd be out of everyone's way and I wouldn't be a burden anymore. My will to live has been almost non-existent lately." Really, for that one moment in my life, I seriously considered it.

I'm fine now, honestly. Don't worry (or tell the counselors). I'm not going to kill myself. I promise you guys that. I fixed it that night, December 12, 2018. I helped myself realize that I had more than enough reasons to live so...I'm ok, well, better now.

So...that's how I've been feeling lately. Feeling depressed, sometimes hopeless, having weird bursts of energy and happiness, only for those bursts to be swallowed up by my sadness again and again. But despite all that, I really have to say, truthfully, you guys have been one of my main reasons to live. I know I say "You guys make me happy," a lot, but I really do mean it. If it wasn't for you, I...I really truly do not know where I'd be right now. Maybe crying my eyes out on the floor in my room, maybe unconsious on the floor, maybe bleeding from my arm with a pair of scissors next to me. 7th grade was just the beginning of my spiral into a depression, which was put on pause after I joined Wattpad in the summer of 2018. You all have been so nice, and wonderful and great and I'm really thankful for you guys. I'm so glad to be a part of this amazing community where everyone is so accepting and beautiful on the inside and outside. I mean it. If I ever leave, which I will not even THINK of, I will always love and remember you. (AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUU) (Just to break up the darkness a lil' bit.)

So thank you. No matter what, you will be my reason to live.

- Love, Anais. (If I ever disappear for a few days or I stop writing for a while, now you know why.) (Because I lost my motivation/inspiration, or my mental state isn't doing so great.) (Yes I know I should be more open, I'll try harder to not bottle things up so much.)