I thought I was done with my old habits of self-hatred. I thought after all my journalling, meditation and self-reflection, that I was cured. I put the work in, and those dark thoughts would forever disappear...

Today, all those painful emotions come swirling back in my chest. And somehow it hurts even more, because with it comes disappointment and shock.

Just one day. One day that I feel off. One day that cramps make me even quieter. One day that makes feel like I'm a failure at socialization.

One day that makes me feel like I've been pretending to love myself this whole time.

Has it all been an act? Have I still been in denial? Have I still been refusing to acknowledge my true feelings?

As if the reminder of one insecurity was a log keeping the dam controlled, everything comes pouring in.

I try to figure out why my new friends want to spend time with me. What do they see in me? I barely spoke that last time. I can't even keep a conversation going. How do you enjoy the company of a person that is physically present but not present in every other way?

On top of insecurity comes mistrust. Are they only being nice to get something from me? Do they feel bad for me? Is spending time with me becoming a burden? Am I once again, the stray puppy they feel too bad getting rid of?

Empathy is own of my favourite qualities, but it is also one of my biggest weaknesses. There's such a thing as too much empathy, and it seems I've tossed that container lid away many years ago.

On top of insecurity comes feelings of guilt. Guilt of being a burden. Guilt that I cannot fix the problems faced by my friends and families. Guilt that I am failing to meet expectations that aren't even my own.

Guilt that my parents and friends are unhappy. As if it is a direct correlation to me.

Guilt that the new employee is overwhelmed because I didn't have time to help. So, I burn myself out even more, working in double to make their job easier...But I forget about the overwhelming feelings that already come with my workload.

Every burst of anger. Every tear of sadness. Every crinkle of fear evoked by the people around me, I feel too. And for reasons that I still don't understand, my mind likes to assume that these feelings are my fault.

Why do I care so much about others, when I care so little about myself?

Why does my mind spend hours contemplating other people's emotions, but goes numb in the face of my own?

Why do I still feel this way, even though I know it is irrational?

I wrote this during a bad day, amongst my many good ones. Although the ratio could be 1:100, that one bad day always seems to resignate the most. Almost as if I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself feel those emotions. Almost as if I view that day as a day that was wasted.

Despite all the journalling I've done, all the articles I've written on letting myself acknowledge my feelings, hearing my insecurities and accepting the fact that it's okay to not be at my best everyday, I still berate myself for feeling anything but grateful or happy.

At the time I wrote this, I felt like I was back to square one. But I am allowed to have bad days. This is not like the past, because I've learned to feel these emotions, and work on reversing them the day after.

Though that little insecure voice in my head still expresses itself, along with it comes the echo of the voice of reason I've so hard work to bring to life.

With the shame of feeling sad or numb for unknown reasons, comes a little echo. An echo that reminds me that these are natural human emotion.

With the assumption that I am a burden, the reason for someone's anger or sadness, comes the echo of reason that reminds me that I have done nothing to warrant those feelings.

That echo wasn't always there. And as time progresses I know it will continue to grow louder. I keep reminding myself that self-love is a journey. An up and down rollercoaster. There's no perfect pathway to achieving it, and everyone's journey will look different.

A brief pause or step back in my journey, does not mean self-love becomes self-hatred. It doesn't mean all those steps I've taken were wasted. Because even after one step backwards, I'm ahead from where I used to be. And even if I weren't. Even if I swivelled right back to the start line, I know that I have the strenght to walk that path. I've done it before.

Be forgiving of yourself. Being human comes with a lot of emotions. Even the unpleasant emotions must be felt sometimes.

Love, of anything or anyone, is a work-in-progress.