Healing Through Anger?

If not spoken to you directly, you've likely already heard these words spoken to someone: "If he wanted to, he would." You may have even spoken them yourself.

      It's a frequent piece of advice; words that are meant to be reassuring when someone is experiencing heartbreak or confusion in a connection. It could be your best friend trying to help you rediscover your worth; pushing you to move on and find someone better.

      "He hasn't answered my message."

      "He isn't committing to the relationship the way I want."

     "He doesn't come over anymore; always waiting for me to take the initiative." 

      "He hasn't apologized for what he's done."

      So, they tell you: "If he wanted to, he would."

      "You deserve someone better."

     "You deserve someone who makes you feel wanted."

     "You deserve better than someone whose actions don't match their words."

       They speak the words that they think will most help you move on.

      They're not wrong.

      If someone's playing games and leaving you guessing, the saying is a good way to remember your worth. But the way we speak a lot of these sentences are aimed to induce anger or dismissal.

      What better way to heal from your heartbreak than to delve into anger rather than despair? It's usually easier to get over something or someone when we find a way to blame them solely. When you transform every confusion emotion in your chest into fury.

      It might work for a bit. Your tears are indeed likely to dry, but you leave yourself with resentment. Perhaps you think that's better. I used to too.

My Take?

I don't entirely disagree with the saying, because for the most part, yes, when we truly want something we do something about it. In most cases, when you love something or someone with the entirety of your being, you would go above and beyond to ensure you keep it. You would go to great lengths to make it happen or get it back.

      So, yes I suppose, if he wanted to, he probably would...

      There's the missing word: probably. Because not everyone is the same. There are many times that I have wanted to do or say something and didn't.

      She wanted to, but she didn't. And no matter how much she might regret it, as time went by it became even more difficult to do as she wanted. She felt that it was too late. She felt that she would be greeted with resentment, and maybe rightfully so.

      So, consider the idea that he might be scared to. Gender regardless. If he, she or they wanted to... There are a hundred reasons that we may hesitate to do as we desire.

      You can turn towards anger if you feel it's what's going to work for you.

     But you can also forgive someone for their actions or lacking actions, and still know your self-worth.

       Forgiving someone doesn't have to mean that you want them back.

       It doesn't mean accepting disrespectful behaviour.

      It doesn't mean making excuses.

      It means understanding that we are all human and that human makes mistake. Yes, some mistakes are unforgivable, but many are forgiveable.

      It's in my experience that forgiveness is much more healing than resentment. There's a lot of power in being the bigger person; in regaining control of your emotions.

      Resentment is a stronger emotion and it is much more difficult to ignore. You might find yourself holding on to the grudge forever. You might find yourself thinking about this person all the time.

      When you learn to forgive and accept that they might have healing to do on their own, you are very likely to find peace. You accept that their actions have nothing to do with you, and carry forward with your life.

       There is great peace to be found in forgiveness.