Why is it so hard?

After a long day of governing my desolation, why am I unable to cry?

I wait all day.

I wait until I am hidden in the darkness of my room.

But suddenly I feel nothing.

I cannot cry.

I try to force it,

Knowing that I am in need of the release.

But much too often I am unsuccessful,

And I am left feeling hallow.

On the nights that tears do manage to flow free,

They come to an abrupt stop.

Reminded of my peers' misery,

Reminded of my privileges,

I find myself unworthy of tears.

What good reason do I have to feel this way?

I have a home.

I have a healthy, loving family.

I have everything society claim me to need.

Why should I be sad?

Is it selfish to cry now,

When many have it so much worse?

I tell myself I have no valid reason to feel such a way,

Nevertheless, the ache remains.

It is only now,

After so many nights of trying,

Or successfully crying myself to sleep,

That I realise,

You do not need a reason to cry.

You do not need to validate your feelings.

Do not ignore your feelings because you think they are irrelevant.

How am I to ever rid myself of this sadness,

If I cannot even admit to its validity?

Perhaps unknown,

But there is a reason.

And no matter what the reason,

No one,

Not even myself,

Can tell me that it is unreasonable to feel as I do.

I can be sad,

Even if one would consider my life perfect.

Sometimes sadness runs deep.

There is not always a superficial reason for it.

If I come to struggle with myself,

If I am the one to burden myself with sadness,

I am still allowed to cry.

Tears do not make me weak.

They are not selfish or irrational.

Tears are freeing,

If I continue to prevent their release,

Then I will never be rid of this nothingness.

I know now that I would rather be sad,

Than to feel nothing.

Because sadness can be opposed by happiness,

But nothingness is cold.

It is dark and shallow.

Nothing is numbing.

And I cannot continue to feel this way,

Just because I am afraid to feel something,

To feel something that I am told I have no reason to feel.

I don't consider myself a poet. I tend to prefer to write fiction. But I used journaling as a healing mechanism, and if there's any chance someone can relate to my words, I thought it was worth a share.

I am seeker of happiness, even in the smallest of things. I consider myself an optimist and am known to look on the bright side. But sadness is a natural human emotion.

Don't beat yourself down for needing to cry once in a while.